When There May Not be Tomorrow: 3 Reasons to Ask the Tough Questions
When There May Not be Tomorrow: 3 Reasons to Ask the Tough Questions
At the age of forty-four, I am in the unique position of still having a living grandparent. My father’s mother is nearly ninety-eight years old and aside from the expected decline of her memory, she is healthy for her age.
She does suffer from progressive dementia which prevents her from remembering what I told her five minutes before, but fortunately has not touched her memory of the past. This is the most precious gift that until very recently I have left unopened as she is a very private woman and I have not wanted to offend or upset her.
I am responsible for all decisions pertaining to her health and wellness. My father was her only child and he unfortunately died many years ago. I am his only child and therefore the beneficiary of all that is “Granny”.
Granny is not the type of lady who likes to have heart to heart conversations, at least not with me. Our travel talk usually consists of her asking me where I am taking her or pointing out the weird designs nowadays of headlights on cars. This is not due to her progressing dementia. She has never liked to talk about anything that might evoke emotion. She houses one of the strongest wills I have seen in one of the smallest of frames. She is less than five feet tall and the scale does not even reach one hundred when she steps upon it.
A few weeks ago I was visiting and she was feeling down. She said she does not know why she is still here and that she just wishes she would die. Of course those sentiments made me sad, but with her awareness of how her mind is deteriorating along with the fact most of her relatives and friends are gone, I understand why she would have such thoughts.
I thought this to be the perfect time to review her salvation. I asked her if she knew where she is going when she dies. I was thrown off guard by her reply. She stated, “Yes, I want to be cremated.” I of course posed the question with the intent of her assuring me she knew she was going to heaven. She threw me a curve-ball I never expected. I always assumed she was being buried with my grandfather.
This past week I brought up the topic again. She told me she guessed she should be buried with my grandfather since she spent most of her adult life with him. We discussed it further and I gave her other options. I assured her I would support whatever she chooses. She has chosen burial with my grandfather.
Is this an easy conversation to have with an almost ninety-eight year old woman, or anyone for that matter? Of course not! But what are the benefits of having this conversation?
- Empowerment – Granny has most certainly felt invisible for the last twenty years. I am the one who drives her to her destinations. I am the person the doctors talk to instead of her. I am sure such a strong-minded woman has felt she has been left without a voice. I listened to her thoughts about why she wanted to be cremated, gave her options and helped her make this decision on her own.
- Access – This is a true example of “it is never too late”. There are many things I have wanted to discuss with my grandmother for years but her tough exterior has resulted in many an argument between us. As a result, I have tiptoed my way around discussion topics as a safety mechanism. Success with one difficult conversation has given me confidence to attempt others.
- No Last Minute Decisions – I would not want to be second guessing myself at the same time I am grieving over my grandmother’s death. Hearing her tell me what she wants relieves a lot of pressure from this sole decision maker. It has taken a weight off of my shoulders and given me peace of mind beyond belief.
It goes without saying that we all want the best for our families. What I did with Granny did not involve any heroic measures. All I did was explore a topic she was curious about. I was willing to “go there” and the payoff has been tremendous.
Who popped into your mind as you read this? I am certain many of you have avoided uncomfortable conversations for years. Believe me, I am all for remaining in my comfort zone. I have spent nearly forty years not rocking the boat. What I have discovered is she just wants to be heard.
Who have you been avoiding difficult conversations with?
Is there a time you seized the moment and felt a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction?
Lori
39 Comments
Lori, I love this! I know you have put your heart & soul into caring for Granny- not an easy task to do as I well know. I took care of my grandmother in her last years, too. I had a similar difficult conversation with my parents a few years back which resulted in them visiting a mortuary near their home to pre-plan their funerals. They also bought cemetery property! They we very hesitant at first but warmed up to doing so once they got used to the idea that their daughter was a mortician & could help them thru the process. Thank you so much for sharing your story of Granny & for being such a wonderful & loving granddaughter to her. I love you! Carrie
Thank you for enduring the ups and downs that come with caring for Granny! I have cried on your shoulder more than once when she has been difficult.
Good for you for having the tough conversation with your parents. I am sure you and your family feel as relieved as I do.
Love you too!!! Lori
Lori….the first blog I have ever read….I am very impressed….I hope your words cause all of us to remind ourselves that the most important things in life are not things….its relationships….good job….Mark
Mark,
Perhaps you will find Carrie’s post on bullying helpful since I bullied you into reading this post.
On a serious note, relationships are what matter.! You are among those in my work family who remind me of this daily. I am blessed to work in your presence. I typed that without choking!!!
From Your Sister You Never Had…….and never wanted……. xoxo
Lori,
I love this story. This is one of the most difficult of conversations to have. It does cause me reflect on the attempts with my dad who just could not go there. My mom’s parents wanted me to help them plan ahead years ago. I avoided that conversation for awhile. When we finally did the planning I saw the reality of the burden that had been lifted from them and felt bad for not understanding their need to get this done. I should have been more sensitive to their need and done it sooner.
You heard things you didn’t expect and now know what you could have only guessed and might have guessed wrong. In many ways I had the same experience. Well done! You are a wonderful granddaughter. Granny is fortunate to have you.
I believe your father is very proud of you as well. You are doing what he would have done if we’re here. You are representing him and doing it well. I am very proud of you and priviledged to know you.
Your friend.
Jeff,
I am glad that my story has resonated with you and others.
It is so easy to avoid what we find uncomfortable. I hope others are encouraged to get their affairs in order.
Thank you for suggesting that my father would be proud. I have often wished he was here to tackle the difficult decisions. Your comment brings peace to my heart.
I too feel privileged to know you and am thankful for your friendship.
Lori
Lori,
Thanks so much for this open and honest post. It isn’t easy to admit that there are just some things we would rather avoid discussing with our loved ones. I feel fortunate that my parents had the forethought to create a living will & trust, but even though they gave me a copy years ago, I never opened the envelope. I don’t know what it includes and have been quite content not knowing. However, as dad approaches 80 and mom turns 70 this year I have to face the facts:
1. I am blessed to have had them for as long as I have already 2. We never know when our time will come and 3. Our time WILL come so stop turning a blind eye and act like your doing everyone a favor!
I hope my parents wishes are included in their living will, but after reading your blog I am going to make sure I find out so that I am not left wondering when the time comes.
Question….did you ever get back to asking your original question about “heaven” again or is that a discussion for another day?
Thanks Lori,
Kari
Kari,
Maybe you better be writing the next post! I agree with your points above. Each day we have with our friends and family is a blessing.
I am glad I have encouraged you to speak to your parents.
As far as your question, I do feel confident in knowing that Granny accepted Christ a few years ago at an Easter Service at Saddleback. I always tell my friend Betty that she is my witness that Granny checked off the box on the program and bowed her head for the prayer. The more I see her age before my eyes the more I feel compelled to review this with her just to have peace in my heart.
When’s lunch??
Love,
Lori
Lori, (aka Ethel)
I love this picture of Granny….
I hope that you cherish every day that you have left with this spirited sage woman!! I miss my Nana every day of my life, and seeing this photo just touches my heart! Thank you for your words of wisdom, and bless you for caring for your father’s precious mother.
Love you my friend!!
Kari (aka Lucy)
Kari (Lucy)
Clearly you just like seeing me cry! In the short time we have worked together you have already seen me through some frustrations with Granny. Relationships do not always come easily. Some are crucial to be worked on and time is of the essence! My relationship with my mom’s mom “Gramma” was more like yours with your Nana. My Gramma died in 1997 and I still think of her nearly every day and can tear up in an instant over a memory.
I knew you and I would be friends from the instant we met at your mom’s. Little did I know that the next year you would be in the same office and making me laugh each day. C-O-L-U-M-B-I-A!!
Love you!!
Lori (Ethel)
I got corrected by the Conster this morning. My Gramma died in 1987, not 1997…
Looks like my memory ain’t so hot either!