At the age of forty-four, I am in the unique position of still having a living grandparent. My father’s mother is nearly ninety-eight years old and aside from the expected decline of her memory, she is healthy for her age.
She does suffer from progressive dementia which prevents her from remembering what I told her five minutes before, but fortunately has not touched her memory of the past. This is the most precious gift that until very recently I have left unopened as she is a very private woman and I have not wanted to offend or upset her.
I am responsible for all decisions pertaining to her health and wellness. My father was her only child and he unfortunately died many years ago. I am his only child and therefore the beneficiary of all that is “Granny”.
Granny is not the type of lady who likes to have heart to heart conversations, at least not with me. Our travel talk usually consists of her asking me where I am taking her or pointing out the weird designs nowadays of headlights on cars. This is not due to her progressing dementia. She has never liked to talk about anything that might evoke emotion. She houses one of the strongest wills I have seen in one of the smallest of frames. She is less than five feet tall and the scale does not even reach one hundred when she steps upon it.
A few weeks ago I was visiting and she was feeling down. She said she does not know why she is still here and that she just wishes she would die. Of course those sentiments made me sad, but with her awareness of how her mind is deteriorating along with the fact most of her relatives and friends are gone, I understand why she would have such thoughts.
I thought this to be the perfect time to review her salvation. I asked her if she knew where she is going when she dies. I was thrown off guard by her reply. She stated, “Yes, I want to be cremated.” I of course posed the question with the intent of her assuring me she knew she was going to heaven. She threw me a curve-ball I never expected. I always assumed she was being buried with my grandfather.
This past week I brought up the topic again. She told me she guessed she should be buried with my grandfather since she spent most of her adult life with him. We discussed it further and I gave her other options. I assured her I would support whatever she chooses. She has chosen burial with my grandfather.
Is this an easy conversation to have with an almost ninety-eight year old woman, or anyone for that matter? Of course not! But what are the benefits of having this conversation?
It goes without saying that we all want the best for our families. What I did with Granny did not involve any heroic measures. All I did was explore a topic she was curious about. I was willing to “go there” and the payoff has been tremendous.
Who popped into your mind as you read this? I am certain many of you have avoided uncomfortable conversations for years. Believe me, I am all for remaining in my comfort zone. I have spent nearly forty years not rocking the boat. What I have discovered is she just wants to be heard.
Who have you been avoiding difficult conversations with?
Is there a time you seized the moment and felt a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction?
Lori
39 Comments
Lori Mae,
How I loved your post! She is blessed to have your love and companionship in her final days!
Maria
Awww My Mari…..
I miss you so my sweet friend.
I hope we get to reunite one day very soon!
Love you,
Lori
Lori,
Thanks for your open and honest blog about life, relations and hard conversations to have. We know this is a difficult subject to broach with family and friends, but to important not to. Doing what we do you would think that we have an easy task of it, but that is not the case, it is hard for us to. The difference is we see how important it is to have these talks with your family on a daily basis. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow, nobody, so lift the burden and be bold, talk about it. At a minimum at least you know you took that step and you do not have to second guess yourself when it is to late to change it. Great blog Lori, say hi to granny for me.
Thanks Chuck!
I saw your comment when I was with her today and told her you said, “Hi”.
Hi Lori!
I agree with Kari, your picture of Granny is precious. Thank you so much for a peek into your personal life with Granny and for the reminder to make preparations for those times we would much rather not speak about! My Mom has been in the mortuary business for years, yet speaking about death in very real (logistical) terms with my most cherished loved ones is a topic I am inclined to avoid. It is so difficult to imagine leaving this earth or watching others leave whom I love immensely, yet careful analysis tells me that it is unavoidable. Thanks for the reminder, friend. And God bless you for being a caregiver….you will be rewarded greatly! xo
Hi Kristen!
Thank you so much for your response!
It is not a conversation I planned to have. When I was in school they called it the “teachable moment”. You may be sidetracked, but it is well worth the trip. This was one of those moments.
God Bless YOU and your beautiful girls!!
I wish I got to see you as often as your Mom and Kari!! xoxo
Thank you so much Greg! Your words are very kind. There were no heroic measures involved, just willingness to lend an ear. We all should be willing to do that from time to timel
I appreciate your comments and doubt very much that you will be alone when you reach the ripe old age of 98!
Lori
Hi Lori,
Reading your blog reminds me that some conversations are like a ballet dance. They involve sensitivity, tremendous effort and energy expended to get every movement (or word spoken), a story, visualization, imagination…and more. It took you a lot of guts and caring to reach for the right moment, and the right first sentence that would be the best and most appropriate for your beloved granny to appreciate and be open to responding to. Not everyone will pursue this type of moment, not everyone wants to lay themselves open for a possible crushing defeat or scolding “back off” response. I salute you and I appreciate you for your support!
…and if I am alone when I turn 98 (physically…but never…ever mentally) “who ya gonna call? Lori!!
Best,
Greg