When There May Not be Tomorrow: 3 Reasons to Ask the Tough Questions
When There May Not be Tomorrow: 3 Reasons to Ask the Tough Questions
At the age of forty-four, I am in the unique position of still having a living grandparent. My father’s mother is nearly ninety-eight years old and aside from the expected decline of her memory, she is healthy for her age.
She does suffer from progressive dementia which prevents her from remembering what I told her five minutes before, but fortunately has not touched her memory of the past. This is the most precious gift that until very recently I have left unopened as she is a very private woman and I have not wanted to offend or upset her.
I am responsible for all decisions pertaining to her health and wellness. My father was her only child and he unfortunately died many years ago. I am his only child and therefore the beneficiary of all that is “Granny”.
Granny is not the type of lady who likes to have heart to heart conversations, at least not with me. Our travel talk usually consists of her asking me where I am taking her or pointing out the weird designs nowadays of headlights on cars. This is not due to her progressing dementia. She has never liked to talk about anything that might evoke emotion. She houses one of the strongest wills I have seen in one of the smallest of frames. She is less than five feet tall and the scale does not even reach one hundred when she steps upon it.
A few weeks ago I was visiting and she was feeling down. She said she does not know why she is still here and that she just wishes she would die. Of course those sentiments made me sad, but with her awareness of how her mind is deteriorating along with the fact most of her relatives and friends are gone, I understand why she would have such thoughts.
I thought this to be the perfect time to review her salvation. I asked her if she knew where she is going when she dies. I was thrown off guard by her reply. She stated, “Yes, I want to be cremated.” I of course posed the question with the intent of her assuring me she knew she was going to heaven. She threw me a curve-ball I never expected. I always assumed she was being buried with my grandfather.
This past week I brought up the topic again. She told me she guessed she should be buried with my grandfather since she spent most of her adult life with him. We discussed it further and I gave her other options. I assured her I would support whatever she chooses. She has chosen burial with my grandfather.
Is this an easy conversation to have with an almost ninety-eight year old woman, or anyone for that matter? Of course not! But what are the benefits of having this conversation?
- Empowerment – Granny has most certainly felt invisible for the last twenty years. I am the one who drives her to her destinations. I am the person the doctors talk to instead of her. I am sure such a strong-minded woman has felt she has been left without a voice. I listened to her thoughts about why she wanted to be cremated, gave her options and helped her make this decision on her own.
- Access – This is a true example of “it is never too late”. There are many things I have wanted to discuss with my grandmother for years but her tough exterior has resulted in many an argument between us. As a result, I have tiptoed my way around discussion topics as a safety mechanism. Success with one difficult conversation has given me confidence to attempt others.
- No Last Minute Decisions – I would not want to be second guessing myself at the same time I am grieving over my grandmother’s death. Hearing her tell me what she wants relieves a lot of pressure from this sole decision maker. It has taken a weight off of my shoulders and given me peace of mind beyond belief.
It goes without saying that we all want the best for our families. What I did with Granny did not involve any heroic measures. All I did was explore a topic she was curious about. I was willing to “go there” and the payoff has been tremendous.
Who popped into your mind as you read this? I am certain many of you have avoided uncomfortable conversations for years. Believe me, I am all for remaining in my comfort zone. I have spent nearly forty years not rocking the boat. What I have discovered is she just wants to be heard.
Who have you been avoiding difficult conversations with?
Is there a time you seized the moment and felt a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction?
Lori
39 Comments
Good job, Lori. I know from the granny stories I have heard that she has a good advocate in you, no matter what the subject. Working here, we sure know how important it is to know what you plan to do and how you plan to do it. Saves pain, misery and yes, money, by planning (and funding) ahead. I know that part for sure since I do the accounting. I love working with you. You add such joy to our day!
Thank you so much Anne! I love working with you as well. Joy has not always come so easily to me.
I think it is the people who surround me each day along with God’s love in my heart that makes it radiate so easily now.
Love you!
Lori
Lori,
Wow what an amazing blog! Your courage to have that talk is inspiring. You have a special bond and relationship with your grandmother that you will carry forever. You and your grandma are lucky to have one another. You are an amazing, kind person, who puts her heart and soul into all that you do. Thank you for sharing your story and I know you have inspired everyone with this blog.
Love you!!!
Shayna Mallik (the baby)
Shayna,
Thank you so much for your very kind words! You have had to sit through a few Grandma stories yourself you poor thing.
I especially thank you for calling me kind when you see me during some of my most stressed out times, like Wednesday afternoons maybe? Lol!!
You are a real sweetheart and I appreciate your attitude. You are always willing to help no matter what the task may be. Keep that great attitude! It will get you far in life.
Love you!!
Lori
I am very proud of the” Little Girl” I raised to be a” Beautiful Lady” who really knows how to put words together so very beautiful. You did a very nice job to open up a lot of peoples eyes on what should be done far in advance . I have always been one , “Dont want to talk about that now” but it really is the very best thing to do for your loved ones. Love Mom
Thank you Mom! You should be proud of yourself for being a wonderful single parent for all of those years.
As you know, I love to write and I am so happy to have an outlet. As far as putting words together well, I get a LOT of help from Molly.
Even though I have a good idea of what you would like, we really do need to “go there” and get it all down on paper. I don’t even like to think about that though.
Love you!!!
Lori
Lori,
Very nicely written! Though my parents are traveling all over the world and in seemingly good health for their age, I guess this is a talk that I will need to have with them in the near future. I am one of the executors of their estate, and I have heard mention several times in peripheral conversations of what they would want. I do not know what if any definitive decision has been made by either. I am glad for you though, that you have at least addressed one of many important decisions that lie ahead.
I’m sure for you, looking back 20 some odd years ago, you can now see part of what Gods plan was for your life. Though not usually evident to us at the time of trial, GOD does have a “PURPOSE” for our lives. Your dealings with your father’s death, supporting your grandmother for so many years, and volunteering in Saddleback Churches Memorial Ministry all lead you to your current job, “Your Purpose”.
Very happy for you,
Derek
Derek,
Don’t forget another one of God’s plans, to reconnect you, me and Kristin through Saddleback Church!
I am so happy to be back in touch with both of you. Our face to face interaction needs some work, but we will make it happen very soon.
I remember very well us sitting at a table kicking around business ideas before O’Connor Mortuary became a full-time job for me.
Once you have that conversation, don’t forget to call us to set up that pre-need Mr. DPA. (my boss is reading this)
Thank you again for your kind words and tell Kristin I want to see you guys!!
Love,
Lori
What a great blog Lori! Thank you for letting us into your world with Grandma. . I have heard so many stories about her and think how amazing it must be to have lived her life. It makes me think of my own parents and how I will probably need to have that conversation with them someday soon so that I can have the same confidence about decisions made for them in the upcoming years. Thank you and I look forward to other blogs from you!
Judy,
You have been hearing Granny stories for longer than anyone except my mom and family!
You have been there since I was four years old. That’s a long time!!
I definitely encourage you and your sisters to have this conversation. I love all of you and when the time comes I would rather see you putting your plan into action instead of having to come up with one at the last minute.
Thank you for following the blog and I will make every effort to make sure my future blogs do not disappoint.
Love you!
Lori