Mother’s Day for the Grieving
I recently came across a friend requesting prayers for a family in her community. When asked about what happened she shared the news that the family’s oldest child, a 5 year old boy, had died the day before.
As I read through the shock wave of reactions and felt my own sorrow and nausea overwhelm me, and then I realized that Mother’s Day was just 8 days away for this poor mother. While she has 2 other children who will wish her a “Happy Mother’s Day” there will be a horrible emptiness where that other sweet little voice should be.
I’ve heard from many moms sharing in support group settings (if they lost their only child) how they still feel like a mom – that’s because they still are a mom. The absence of the child doesn’t change the identity of the parent – once a mom, always a mom. It’s the same when a parent dies, we don’t cease being sons or daughters, the connection doesn’t disappear even though it can feel like it does.
I feel that this blog has a responsibility to hear the voices of those who find Mother’s Day painful. This blog is dedicated to those who have lost a mother or a child, to those who have suffered through years of infertility and to those who’s mother-child relationships are strained and painful.
Mother’s Day isn’t always easy to celebrate, but it is good. It’s good to remember, to revisit times of hope, of freedom from worry, perhaps the days of our youths when “Mom” was a heavenly word that promised a bandaid for that cut knee or a hug after a hard day.
I am reminded of a story I heard recently from Doug Manning, a new friend of mine. He writes about woman in his congregation who’s 18 month old child died unexpectedly of what seemed like a normal case of the croup. Doug writes,
“I have always thought she was brilliance under pressure. Her statement was a flash of insight in a time of darkness – a flash of insight which ultimately changed my career and my life . . .
The young mother was crying hysterically. It is strange that we cannot allow tears. Nothing is more natural than to cry. Nothing gets as quick a reaction from us as someone crying out of control Everyone there that night began to react:
“There, there – now get a hold of yourself.”
“You can’t carry on like this.”
“Come on now – stop crying.”
Suddenly she stopped, stepped back, looked at them and said,
“Don’t take my grief from me. I deserve it. I am going to have it.”
I hope this philosophy can be a part, as you need it to be, of your Mother’s Day and a part of your life. If you need the day, a few hours, 10 minutes to have your grief, have it. Take it, you deserve it.
I also want to encourage you to tell stories, relive happier times, and find pieces of happiness to hold on to. Maybe even make time to honor those you are missing with some practices you can share with others.
As you are gathered together with your family, propose a toast to your loved one, share a memory you treasure about them and invite others to share their memories as well. The conversation may eventually move off topic, but stories will be shared, the name of your loved one will be heard, and you will be reminded of the precious fact that they haven’t been forgotten. They existed.
Wishing all of you, a meaningful Mother’s Day.
*to learn more about Doug’s story, read his book Don’t Take My Grief Away From Me
|| what do you think?
– Have you ever had a Mother’s Day that was unlike any other? Changed by a loss or broken relationship?
– What ways have you remembered those people that are missing from your family gathering?
– What do you think about Doug’s story? Have you ever felt like that poor mother?
42 Comments
Hi Molly…..Thanks for your words about Mother’s Day…..this will be my first Mother’s Day in 57 years without my Mom…..I will take your advice though and while our family will be together celebrating my nephew’s wedding…perhaps we can take a few minutes to reflect on Jean Adams…..thanks, Mark
Oh Mark,
How lovely that you will already be gathering with friends & family on that special day. I hope that you do find time to remember with your brother and others the wonderful woman that was your mother. I’m sure you will all wish she was there with you to see her grandson be married and I hope you are able to feel like she’s there as you remember her.
Molly
Great blog Molly! I just wanted to share this poem with anyone who has lost a Mother…
A Mother’s Crown
Heaven lit up with a mighty presence, as
the Angels all looked down. Today the Lord was placing the jewels Into my
mother’s crown.
He held up a golden crown, as my
darling mother looked on. He said in His gentle voice, ‘I will now explain each
one.’
‘The first gem,’ He said, ‘is a Ruby, and
it’s for endurance alone, for all the nights you waited up for your children to
come home.’
‘For all the nights by their bedside, you
stayed till the fever went down. For nursing every little wound, I add this
ruby to your crown.’
‘An emerald, I’ll place by the ruby, for
leading your child in the right way. For teaching them the lessons, That made
them who they are today.’
‘For always being right there, through
all life’s important events. I give you a sapphire stone, for the time and love
you spent.’
‘For untying the strings that held them, when they grew up and left home.
I give you this one for courage.’ Then
the Lord added a garnet stone.
‘I’ll place a stone of amethyst,’ He
said. ‘For all the times you spent on your knees, when you asked if I’d take
care of your children, and then for having faith in Me.’
‘I have a pearl for every little
sacrifice that you made without them knowing. For all the times you went
without, to keep them happy, healthy and growing.’
‘And last of all I have a diamond, the
greatest one of all, for sharing unconditional love whether they were big or
small.’
‘It was your love that helped them
grow feeling safe and happy and proud A love so strong and pure It could shift
the darkest cloud.’
After the Lord placed the last jewel in, He said, ‘Your
crown is now complete, you’ve earned your place in Heaven with your children at
your feet.’
Beautiful Diana! I’ve never read this before, it’s such a lovely and pure image of motherhood in it’s joys and pains. Thank you so much for sharing this with me : )
Molly
What a tough subject to write on. I seem to get a pain that grows in the pit of my stomach as Mothers day and Fathers day approach, for I know every call we get is going to have that extra dose of emptiness and pain to go along with it. I love that story from Don’t Take My Grief Away From Me. It always seems to hit home and point out the perfect solution to how to let people grieve.
Michael
Michael,
I know what you mean about the pain in your stomach – as I drove around yesterday all over southern california, I watched terrible drivers race around and cut others off thinking the whole time, “be careful, no one should die on mother’s day!” – I know that may sound rather paranoid but as a mortuary employee I think all of us have that awareness of the sudden unpredictability of death. We know that it doesn’t stop for holidays and that many have lost mothers and children on this significant day.
Thank you for reading & sharing how you feel about these holidays as they approach, I think it’s a level of awareness that is very important and compassionate.
Molly
What a nice blog, Molly. It’s important to acknowledge the Mothers who are going through grief during Mother’s Day. I know all holidays are pretty intensely painful for people who have lost someone important to them, but I can’t imagine Mother’s Day for a mom who lost a child. I know for my own mom, it doesn’t matter that there are 6 other living children, she misses my brother and that looks very painful. It saddens me to think of all the families I have met going through grief that will have to experience these days without their loved ones. I can only hope that we have some part in that healing and make it slightly a little bit easier for them.
Shasta,
You have such a unique vantage point on this important day. I’ve heard of people trying to console grieving mothers by pointing out that they have other children but as you mentioned, these other children do not somehow comprise and fill the gap of the child that is not there. Yes, these children are wonderful blessings and huge reasons to celebrate and be celebrated, but to think that that gap can be “plugged” by others is a horrible idea to impose on someone. I hope your mom always feels the freedom to grieve and remember on mother’s day her son who is not there.
Thank you again for sharing this Shasta, your perspective is powerful and your insight is wonderful,
Molly
Touching blog, Molly. Mother’s Day has been bitter sweet. My mother died when she was 51. Still hard to believe now that I have passed that age myself. I remember thinking at the time of her death that she had lived a full life at 51. Wow! Not even close. I’ll be blessed this mother’s day with spending it with my family at Jack’s graduation at NAU and celebrating a great family milestone. We will certainly toast my mom along with toasting my wife and my mother in law. Cheers and Blessing all around!
Thanks,
Fitz
Fitz,
I can’t imagine how Mother’s Day has changed for you & the mix of feelings that the day brings. It’s wonderful that you were able to be together for such a special event with Jack and also celebrate your wife & remember your own mom. I hope you were able to feel like you honored her in that day, I’m sure she would have loved to have been there.
Thank you so much for sharing your side of Mother’s Day,
Molly