Mother’s Day for the Grieving
I recently came across a friend requesting prayers for a family in her community. When asked about what happened she shared the news that the family’s oldest child, a 5 year old boy, had died the day before.
As I read through the shock wave of reactions and felt my own sorrow and nausea overwhelm me, and then I realized that Mother’s Day was just 8 days away for this poor mother. While she has 2 other children who will wish her a “Happy Mother’s Day” there will be a horrible emptiness where that other sweet little voice should be.
I’ve heard from many moms sharing in support group settings (if they lost their only child) how they still feel like a mom – that’s because they still are a mom. The absence of the child doesn’t change the identity of the parent – once a mom, always a mom. It’s the same when a parent dies, we don’t cease being sons or daughters, the connection doesn’t disappear even though it can feel like it does.
I feel that this blog has a responsibility to hear the voices of those who find Mother’s Day painful. This blog is dedicated to those who have lost a mother or a child, to those who have suffered through years of infertility and to those who’s mother-child relationships are strained and painful.
Mother’s Day isn’t always easy to celebrate, but it is good. It’s good to remember, to revisit times of hope, of freedom from worry, perhaps the days of our youths when “Mom” was a heavenly word that promised a bandaid for that cut knee or a hug after a hard day.
I am reminded of a story I heard recently from Doug Manning, a new friend of mine. He writes about woman in his congregation who’s 18 month old child died unexpectedly of what seemed like a normal case of the croup. Doug writes,
“I have always thought she was brilliance under pressure. Her statement was a flash of insight in a time of darkness – a flash of insight which ultimately changed my career and my life . . .
The young mother was crying hysterically. It is strange that we cannot allow tears. Nothing is more natural than to cry. Nothing gets as quick a reaction from us as someone crying out of control Everyone there that night began to react:
“There, there – now get a hold of yourself.”
“You can’t carry on like this.”
“Come on now – stop crying.”
Suddenly she stopped, stepped back, looked at them and said,
“Don’t take my grief from me. I deserve it. I am going to have it.”
I hope this philosophy can be a part, as you need it to be, of your Mother’s Day and a part of your life. If you need the day, a few hours, 10 minutes to have your grief, have it. Take it, you deserve it.
I also want to encourage you to tell stories, relive happier times, and find pieces of happiness to hold on to. Maybe even make time to honor those you are missing with some practices you can share with others.
As you are gathered together with your family, propose a toast to your loved one, share a memory you treasure about them and invite others to share their memories as well. The conversation may eventually move off topic, but stories will be shared, the name of your loved one will be heard, and you will be reminded of the precious fact that they haven’t been forgotten. They existed.
Wishing all of you, a meaningful Mother’s Day.
*to learn more about Doug’s story, read his book Don’t Take My Grief Away From Me
|| what do you think?
– Have you ever had a Mother’s Day that was unlike any other? Changed by a loss or broken relationship?
– What ways have you remembered those people that are missing from your family gathering?
– What do you think about Doug’s story? Have you ever felt like that poor mother?
42 Comments
Molly –
Thank you for this timely blog! I have seen to many mothers experience the death of their child of all ages. It pains me to see their suffering. I will forever be marked by the death of my nephew Matthew. The pain I saw my sister Loretta & Chuck go through was horrible. I have not a clue how they have managed to continue to live through such a tragic death. Matthew’s death has had a significant impact on my life to this day. I am somewhere between joyful and paranoid with fear being a parent to Jesse.
I agree with Doug Manning we should not judge of try and control someones grief. As you know we all grieve differently, so what ever plays out we need to respect and honor.
Thank you again for sharing your deep insights to our families and community.
Neil,
Deaths stay with us and mold how we move through life and how we treat others. It’s not surprising that you have your fears with Jesse, I think many parents do, but when you combine your experience of losing Matthew and what you do for a living where you see death daily, you live in a reality that you know death can touch at any time.
I’m glad this blog was well received by you, thank you for reading & sharing your own experience.
Molly
Great blog, Molly
The word “connect” resonated with me, because of our need to tell stories in way we will remember the lives we have shared with family and friends. And, our need to grieve is important to help us heal through the stories we tell each other.
Tom,
That is such a powerful word and a very important one when it comes to grief. If we don’t make effort to connect with others over our common loss our experience can be so much more painful than if we share the grief we are entitled to. Thank you for reading & sharing your insight.
Molly
Molly,
We always want to make it all better for our suffering family and friends. Sometimes I actually think I can help take the pain away from a grieving person with my words and or actions. All though the words and actions may be very much appreciated, nothing takes the pain away. The mother and child bond is one of the greatest in this world and you are right, being a mother never ends, even if our children are no longer here with us.
Watching my wonderful wife Loretta go through her first Mother’s day after our son Matthew died was a painful and brutal walk, to say the least. One gift to all those mothers that have lost a child would be to hear their childs’ name spoken aloud. That’s it, just a reminder that they are not forgotten. Mother’s remember every single day, not just on Mother’s day. Thanks Molly for sharing a wonderful thought for all those mothers that should be free to grieve and know their child is not forgotten. Happy Mother’s Day.
Love,
Chuck
Chuck,
Thank you for sharing. I hope you will find time together as a family, or perhaps just the two of you, to remember and love Matthew. I know that people are so often afraid of saying the person’s name, worried that it will upset their grieving friend – it is so the opposite. To not have them mentioned – especially on landmark days like Mother’s Day – is just to reenforce the horrible feeling and myth we sometimes begin to believe: that they never existed.
I so appreciate your thoughts as I know they come from true heartfelt pain and experience – yours is the life this was for & yours is the voice that also needs to be heard.
Thank you Chuck,
Molly
Molly
I will share how Wed, the 23rd went. It was Lou’s birthday, his first in heaven. All the family gathered at my house. Lou always wanted nothing more than his family together, pizza and either chocolate cake or later, carrot cake for his birthday. In the “old days”, I make a homemade salad dressing chocolate cake, which is the moistest cake on the planet and was his favorite.
As we were finishing our pizza and heading for the cake part, little 6 year old Elisabeth asked how many candles would we use? I said, I think we will put one since it is his first birthday in heaven. She said, after we sing Happy Birthday to him, I will blow it out for him. She said, and next year we will put two and the next year three…as she counted to 10.
I made the suggestion that while we had our cake it would be good if anyone wanted to share a fun or special memory they enjoyed about Lou. That was easy. There were so many. Soon we were laughing at his driving, sayings, cantankerous ways and it was wonderful. Then Jessica asked if I could get out some pictures of when he was younger so her boyfriend could see them.
We all retired to the living room and watched the musical video, “Remembering Lou” with special songs in the background, and pictures of his life, our life. Jessica paused it all throughout and we shared more stories. It ended with Annie’s Moon. So of course we told Brad how it came to be “my moon”. Brad, being the sweet, romantic young man that he is loved it all and now knows his sweetheart’s Papa Louie a bit better.
Suffering and loss that is shared, talked about and out in the open makes it easier for everyone. Our family did that on his birthday, his special day. Just because he is no longer physically present was no reason for us to ignore the day.
That was a large part of our healing.
Mothers need that, too.
Love
Anne
Beautiful Anne, your experience is the absolute essence of the power of memory – it is best when shared. Remembering on our own can sometimes be very painful, but remembering together in a group looking at photos, pausing to tell stories – that is just the best.
I’m so thrilled that you marked that landmark day with such beauty and meaning. It sounds like it was a wonderful event for your whole family.
Thank you for sharing,
Molly
Hi Molly,
Thank you for such a timely blog. A group of about 30 women here in Orange County gathered this past weekend for an annual “Their Mother’s Too” event. Sadly, to be a part of this group, means you have had a child die. At the gathering the message to the moms was “put self care first” which is so important in grief. Whether the therapeutic value of scented candles, massage, aromatherapy and personal training — or the outlet of creative expression and preservation of memories of those we have lost — the hope is that as they head into Mother’s Day weekend, these moms will feel the benefits of the time they spent together and the gifts they took with them.
This will be my Mom’s first Mother’s Day without my brother; I know she will shed tears and relive the aching pain of grief that only a mother can know. My hope is she can find some moments of joy too and remember that my brother lives on in her heart.
Becky
Becky,
How wonderful that this group of mother’s has a community that they can meet with – a community that understands some of their walk and that can join together in support, encouragement, and truth.
I will be thinking of your mom & the mixed and messy feelings that will accompany this first Mother’s Day without a precious son. I hope that she has many moments throughout the day where she can feel peace and a certainty of his presence.
Molly