Mother’s Day for the Grieving
I recently came across a friend requesting prayers for a family in her community. When asked about what happened she shared the news that the family’s oldest child, a 5 year old boy, had died the day before.
As I read through the shock wave of reactions and felt my own sorrow and nausea overwhelm me, and then I realized that Mother’s Day was just 8 days away for this poor mother. While she has 2 other children who will wish her a “Happy Mother’s Day” there will be a horrible emptiness where that other sweet little voice should be.
I’ve heard from many moms sharing in support group settings (if they lost their only child) how they still feel like a mom – that’s because they still are a mom. The absence of the child doesn’t change the identity of the parent – once a mom, always a mom. It’s the same when a parent dies, we don’t cease being sons or daughters, the connection doesn’t disappear even though it can feel like it does.
I feel that this blog has a responsibility to hear the voices of those who find Mother’s Day painful. This blog is dedicated to those who have lost a mother or a child, to those who have suffered through years of infertility and to those who’s mother-child relationships are strained and painful.
Mother’s Day isn’t always easy to celebrate, but it is good. It’s good to remember, to revisit times of hope, of freedom from worry, perhaps the days of our youths when “Mom” was a heavenly word that promised a bandaid for that cut knee or a hug after a hard day.
I am reminded of a story I heard recently from Doug Manning, a new friend of mine. He writes about woman in his congregation who’s 18 month old child died unexpectedly of what seemed like a normal case of the croup. Doug writes,
“I have always thought she was brilliance under pressure. Her statement was a flash of insight in a time of darkness – a flash of insight which ultimately changed my career and my life . . .
The young mother was crying hysterically. It is strange that we cannot allow tears. Nothing is more natural than to cry. Nothing gets as quick a reaction from us as someone crying out of control Everyone there that night began to react:
“There, there – now get a hold of yourself.”
“You can’t carry on like this.”
“Come on now – stop crying.”
Suddenly she stopped, stepped back, looked at them and said,
“Don’t take my grief from me. I deserve it. I am going to have it.”
I hope this philosophy can be a part, as you need it to be, of your Mother’s Day and a part of your life. If you need the day, a few hours, 10 minutes to have your grief, have it. Take it, you deserve it.
I also want to encourage you to tell stories, relive happier times, and find pieces of happiness to hold on to. Maybe even make time to honor those you are missing with some practices you can share with others.
As you are gathered together with your family, propose a toast to your loved one, share a memory you treasure about them and invite others to share their memories as well. The conversation may eventually move off topic, but stories will be shared, the name of your loved one will be heard, and you will be reminded of the precious fact that they haven’t been forgotten. They existed.
Wishing all of you, a meaningful Mother’s Day.
*to learn more about Doug’s story, read his book Don’t Take My Grief Away From Me
|| what do you think?
– Have you ever had a Mother’s Day that was unlike any other? Changed by a loss or broken relationship?
– What ways have you remembered those people that are missing from your family gathering?
– What do you think about Doug’s story? Have you ever felt like that poor mother?
42 Comments
Mother’s day is meant to celebrate all mothers, and even those who are no longer with us on this earth. I hope this blog can help those who are in remembrance of their mothers celebrate theirs lives and think of memories that put smiles on their faces.
Yes, Jenn that was my hope as well. Thank you for echoing that sentiment & for being someone who values all people whether they are physically with us or not.
Molly
Molly, what a powerful blog. I’m in tears because it so perfectly expresses how I feel. Mother’s Day is tough for me because i’m so far away from my mother & because of my personal losses. There’s no “Almost A Mother Day” & no cards of such. I’m so grateful for Steve, today he brought me lunch at work & a bouquet of 6 long-stemmed red roses w/ 1 sunflower in the middle- a symbolic mother’s day gift for me. Thank you so much for this blog- it is truly amazing. XOXOX Carrie
Carrie,
How beautiful – those flowers were such a meaningful gift, well done Steve.
Your story is one of the ones I took into account as I put this blog together. The more I am exposed to the true stories and pain of others lives the more I realize what an insensitive world we live in. It’s not that I think it’s on purpose and obviously there’s nothing bad in celebrating these roles, but we should be mindful that there is pain for so many and make time in our celebrations to pause, remember, and make the holiday that much more meaningful.
I hope you felt celebrated by Steve as you should be – I hope you continue to have meaningful Mother’s Days and share your story to those who have hearts to hear of your lost loves.
Love you, thank you so very much for sharing,
Molly
Molly,
What a great blog for such a great holiday. Mother’s day is such a special time whether you are a mother or a child celebrating with a mother. Although we are thankful everyday for the special things a mother does, it still is very important to take the time on aEls day such as mother’s day to be especially thankful.
Thank You ,
Elsa
Thank you for reading Elsa, I hope it gave you some extra time to think about your mom and the blessing she has been to you. So glad you enjoyed the blog!
Molly
Molly,
Thank you for this reminder for those of us who struggle with certain holidays. We, as a culture, do not do grief well. We want to fix people. We want things to go back to “normal”. We don’t know what to say and get very uncomfortable. Rather than delve into the necessary uncomfortable, we try to put a Band-Aid on it and move on. As we have learned, it does the person who is grieving and those caring for them a much greater service to spend time remembering instead of trying to rush past the grief.
Love,
Lori
Yes, so well said Lori. “Remember, don’t rush” – could be our new mantra I think.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, it’s right on.
Molly
Molly . . thank you for digging deeper than most in honoring the grief of Mothers everywhere. I found this tribute on Dottie Urke’s FB page yesterday and felt it was appropriate to share here, hoping that other folks would take a moment to open their hearts to your blog. It’s from Amy Young’s blog of 2013. I’ve never read her blogs before, but found this to be most heartwarming.
To those who gave birth this year to their first child – we celebrate you. To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you. To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you. To those who experience loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away – we mourn with you. To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is. To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you. To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate you. To those who have disappointment, heartache, and distance with your children – we sit with you. To those who experience abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience. To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst. To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you. To those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising -we anticipate with you. This Mother’s Day and everyday thereafter, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you!
This is one that I added, Molly, because Kristen mentioned that there are Mom’s with special needs kids weren’t mentioned . . .
“And, to those Moms with kids that are “differently abled” – I extend more understanding, more patience, and more hope for the future.”
Thanks again for taking the time to acknowledge Mom’s!
Love . . AP
Just beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s so hard to capture the scope of motherhood in a post and to do justice to all the types of mothering that go on in this world. I even think of the mentors in my life that have at times guided me as mother’s do … you being one of them : ) … and I feel overwhelmed with joy and pain over the multitude of hearts swollen with the chaotic mass of feelings that mother’s day can summon.
This blog that you shared does a beautiful job, so wonderful to read. Thank you again for putting this up!
Molly