A “Fishy” Funeral
My brother died.
It was about a week after we had returned home from my brother’s funeral in Michigan when my son, Sam, found his fish dead. Tears were streaking down his sweet face as he ran into our bedroom to tell me Sam Jr. was dead. After my husband and I and our older son each offered Sam our condolences, our family made the decision to have a funeral for Sam Jr. My son, with a look of determination, said “We will have the funeral tonight after dinner. I need to decide whether I want a burial at sea or a traditional burial. I’ll think about it while I am at school today.”
As dinner approached that evening, Sam decided that a “burial at sea” (flushing Sam Jr. down the toilet) was the most appropriate burial for his fish since he would be “returning to the place he was born.”
We lit candles, dimmed the bathroom lights and listened to Sam tearfully tell stories of how he loved his fish and how much he was going to miss him. Then Sam scooped him up, gently placed him in the commode, said a prayer and flushed. That was it -Sam Jr. was gone from our lives forever.
As I held my crying son in my arms, I felt my own tears; partly from the active grief I was experiencing from my brother’s too recent death and partly from seeing my son grieve. Then he began to share with me words that sounded eerily familiar:
“Mom, I’m just going to miss him so much.”
“Mom, we read a book today in class and there was a part about a dead fish. I started to cry but I pulled it together.”
“Mom, I thought about Sam Jr. at recess today.”
“Mom, it’s going to be a while before I can talk about him and not cry.”
The words of babes! My son was repeating everything he had heard and seen our family do as we mourned and buried my brother. He was present throughout – for the visitation at the funeral home, the family meeting with the pastor, the funeral, the graveside services, the luncheon reception – and he was taking it all in, silently observing how his family grieves, how his family values ceremony, how his family begins a journey of healing.
If you know of a child or family going through the loss of a parent or sibling, I invite you to look at the amazing children’s grief resources put out by Sesame Street by clicking here.
To request a Children’s Grief Resource Packet (specially compiled by our staff) please contact me by email at blomaka@oconnormortuary.com.
Did you ever have a service for a pet member of the family?
How have children in your life processed loss?
42 Comments
Becky,
We did the same thing for my daughter’s fish. How touching it is that they get the same feelings for their pet. I commend you for allowing your boys to be very involved and part of all the services for your brother. It allows them to go thru all the same process as you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Amy
Thank you, Amy. It was important to us to make sure the children were all a part of my brother’s funeral services. We want them to know they are part of the family – through good and bad times. It ha been a rough year for them to experience the death of a hockey friend, their uncle and a pet but I hope they have learned through all of this that it is ok to grieve, to ask questions, and to be sad.
Thank you Kari. It really was amazing to see how the grief experience affected Sam. You never know – he may end up in the profession just like your Michael! I am glad to be a part of this incredible team!! Thank you for making my job so great.
Thanks Michael,
Well, if you feel your capacity to love wasn’t that strong at a young age, I think you have made up for it tenfold! I see how comforting you are to the families we serve. Maybe Sam will train under you one day!
Thank you, Carrie. You know all too well about the terrible pain of the loss of a family member but you are so right – it is something we need to experience to eventually heal. I hope Sam and Ben have taken the first steps to learning this valuable life lesson.
Thanks Mitch! I saw a great quote yesterday, “The ordinary acts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest.” It reminded me of what you just said – kids are ALWAYS watching and listening.