A “Fishy” Funeral
My brother died.
It was about a week after we had returned home from my brother’s funeral in Michigan when my son, Sam, found his fish dead. Tears were streaking down his sweet face as he ran into our bedroom to tell me Sam Jr. was dead. After my husband and I and our older son each offered Sam our condolences, our family made the decision to have a funeral for Sam Jr. My son, with a look of determination, said “We will have the funeral tonight after dinner. I need to decide whether I want a burial at sea or a traditional burial. I’ll think about it while I am at school today.”
As dinner approached that evening, Sam decided that a “burial at sea” (flushing Sam Jr. down the toilet) was the most appropriate burial for his fish since he would be “returning to the place he was born.”
We lit candles, dimmed the bathroom lights and listened to Sam tearfully tell stories of how he loved his fish and how much he was going to miss him. Then Sam scooped him up, gently placed him in the commode, said a prayer and flushed. That was it -Sam Jr. was gone from our lives forever.
As I held my crying son in my arms, I felt my own tears; partly from the active grief I was experiencing from my brother’s too recent death and partly from seeing my son grieve. Then he began to share with me words that sounded eerily familiar:
“Mom, I’m just going to miss him so much.”
“Mom, we read a book today in class and there was a part about a dead fish. I started to cry but I pulled it together.”
“Mom, I thought about Sam Jr. at recess today.”
“Mom, it’s going to be a while before I can talk about him and not cry.”
The words of babes! My son was repeating everything he had heard and seen our family do as we mourned and buried my brother. He was present throughout – for the visitation at the funeral home, the family meeting with the pastor, the funeral, the graveside services, the luncheon reception – and he was taking it all in, silently observing how his family grieves, how his family values ceremony, how his family begins a journey of healing.
If you know of a child or family going through the loss of a parent or sibling, I invite you to look at the amazing children’s grief resources put out by Sesame Street by clicking here.
To request a Children’s Grief Resource Packet (specially compiled by our staff) please contact me by email at blomaka@oconnormortuary.com.
Did you ever have a service for a pet member of the family?
How have children in your life processed loss?
42 Comments
Thanks Chris – it is certainly an important lesson I have learned in the short time I have been here at O’Connor. As tough as it is to go through the grief, it is just that – going “through” it and coming out stronger on the other end.
Becky,
What a great story. I love that your son made the decision about the funeral for his dear pet. It is always amazing to hear the grief of a child. They are always so true to their feelings. It is so important for them to know that their feelings are real and ok to express. I am sure that because of you, your son has learned the proper steps in grieving his loving friend.
Thank You for Sharing.
Elsa
Thanks Elsa. Well, I can thank all of you for help in this department! I have learned so much from all of you in my short time I have been here at O’Connor.
You ate so right, children are so innocent and open with their grief, we can all learn from them,
Becky,
What a wonderful story of a family learning some of the harder parts of life and doing it together. As a parent, you remind us all of the fact that as adults, we remain teachers forever. There is no age limit to the life lessons, values and experiences that we can impart to our kids, their friends and others. We are role models in whatever we do, so we better be up to the task of providing our best.
As for ceremonies, in addition to a prayer or moment of silence, I found out 2 things in regards to small animal burials:
Holding the shovel or trowel and digging the hole myself was most meaningful.
“Gently used” check book boxes with the pets name written on top were a most appropriate and ecologically sensitive bio-degradable coffin (with a wrapped tissue serving as a “shroud”)
Placing a stone or marker on the spot so we didn’t inadvertently disinter “peaches” or whatever later on and get an unexpected surprise.
And yes, sometimes the toilet for me also served with ceremonial value (although a friend tried this once with a pigeon and, to our horror, it did not quite work).
Thank you for helping me to remember these meaningful, thoughtful times.
Greg
Thank you, Greg. Yes, I am learning quickly that my children are ALWAYS watching John and I. I like your idea of using the check boxes and letting the kids write the name of their beloved pet on the box. A pigeon in the commode!? Now that is one for the memory books!
Wow! What a sweet story. At that age, I would have never thought to do that for a pet. Unfortunately, it may have been your circumstances with your brother that made him think of having the funeral to the fishy. I remember my sister did the same for a cat they had and it is so sad to see. Such genuine vulnerabilty in their emotions. I love how you encouraged and supported his decision to honor his little friend as well. To be honest, I don’t think I would have prior to reading your tale. It seemed very necessary for him. Thank you very much for sharing!!
Thanks Joanna. I think you are right-the death of my brother helped him with the idea of the funeral for his little fish. Children are so vulnerable and sweet and they seem to be able to accept grief a lot easier than most adults can.
Thanks for sharing Becky!
It’s so important that kids are heard and are able to express their feelings. And how great it was for Sam to honor his fish that way with his family by his side.
Thank you, Lauren. It was our fist official pet funeral in our home. It was very sweet to listen to Sam eulogize his fish. A life lesson for me even more than for him.