A “Fishy” Funeral
My brother died.
It was about a week after we had returned home from my brother’s funeral in Michigan when my son, Sam, found his fish dead. Tears were streaking down his sweet face as he ran into our bedroom to tell me Sam Jr. was dead. After my husband and I and our older son each offered Sam our condolences, our family made the decision to have a funeral for Sam Jr. My son, with a look of determination, said “We will have the funeral tonight after dinner. I need to decide whether I want a burial at sea or a traditional burial. I’ll think about it while I am at school today.”
As dinner approached that evening, Sam decided that a “burial at sea” (flushing Sam Jr. down the toilet) was the most appropriate burial for his fish since he would be “returning to the place he was born.”
We lit candles, dimmed the bathroom lights and listened to Sam tearfully tell stories of how he loved his fish and how much he was going to miss him. Then Sam scooped him up, gently placed him in the commode, said a prayer and flushed. That was it -Sam Jr. was gone from our lives forever.
As I held my crying son in my arms, I felt my own tears; partly from the active grief I was experiencing from my brother’s too recent death and partly from seeing my son grieve. Then he began to share with me words that sounded eerily familiar:
“Mom, I’m just going to miss him so much.”
“Mom, we read a book today in class and there was a part about a dead fish. I started to cry but I pulled it together.”
“Mom, I thought about Sam Jr. at recess today.”
“Mom, it’s going to be a while before I can talk about him and not cry.”
The words of babes! My son was repeating everything he had heard and seen our family do as we mourned and buried my brother. He was present throughout – for the visitation at the funeral home, the family meeting with the pastor, the funeral, the graveside services, the luncheon reception – and he was taking it all in, silently observing how his family grieves, how his family values ceremony, how his family begins a journey of healing.
If you know of a child or family going through the loss of a parent or sibling, I invite you to look at the amazing children’s grief resources put out by Sesame Street by clicking here.
To request a Children’s Grief Resource Packet (specially compiled by our staff) please contact me by email at blomaka@oconnormortuary.com.
Did you ever have a service for a pet member of the family?
How have children in your life processed loss?
42 Comments
Hi Becky
Welcome to the world of O’Connor Blogging! It brought back memories of dead hamsters, birds, fish, and other precious creatures to my daughter at a younger age. Also, the very recent loss of her dear cat to a coyote a couple weeks back. They had a funeral and a burial and a ceremony.
We do need ceremony and a place and way to remember. Whether it’s a ground burial or a flush back to the ocean, we have to show we honor and value the loss. What we do with our humans and what we do with our animals are often very similar.
I know the loss of your brother is still so fresh as is the loss of my dear Lou, but how we grieve does create a legacy for how our children and their children will handle things when they have to say goodbye to us.
Love
Anne
Anne, you are so right when you say we NEED ceremony and a place and a way to remember. As difficult as it was to bury my brother, I cannot even imagine the pain I would be feeling now if I had not gone through that experience and our family had chosen not to have any ceremony.
I do hope that we have helped to create a legacy for how our boys grieve. I love your words “value the loss” – it is the perfect phrase for why we do what we do – be it a brother, a husband, or a pet.
My heart still aches for you too as you grieve the loss of your beloved Lou. I am so grateful that you are in my life and I cherish our talks together.
Becky
Oh my goodness – this is such a touching story. My heart just ached for your sweet little boy! I’m sure the grief he felt is as real to him as any grief an adult feels after any loss. After all loss is loss and feelings of grief flood over us whether it is the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job or a goldfish!
You and your family were so kind and compassionate to acknowledge his grief and allow him to resolve that grief the way that was comforting to him. And I too believe that he learned so many life lessons of how to grieve from watching his family as you all so recently experienced the loss of your brother – someone that you love so much.
Thank you so much for sharing this sweet experience with us.
Luvs,
Sharon
Thank you, Sharon. It was very emotionally healing for me to put this experience in writing. You are right, Sam’s grief for the loss of his fish was just as real as it was for the loss of his uncle. You know that as a parent you try to do the “right” thing and in this case I think we did.
Becky,
What a great blog! Your son experienced grief when loosing his pet fish. I think it is great that you had a ceremony for Sam Jr. I think that will help your son tons. Some people think how can you grieve for an animal but we make connections even if it is with our pet fish. I commend you for having and letting your son show his emotions, and for your whole family to offer condolences and let him know you are all there for him. How cute a burial at sea! Welcome to blogging, I cant wait to read more of your amazing blogs!!!!!
<3 Shayna
Thanks Shayna. I agree with you – our pets (even fish) are a huge part of our family and we grieve for them just like we do for our human family members. The “burial at sea” was pretty cute when he said it!
Becky,
Ahhh, how sweet your Sam is! I love that he named his fish Sam Jr.
What an important post. I am so glad grief is discussed more openly today. When I lost my father, nobody talked about it. I missed out on grieving appropriately because people didn’t know how to talk about it back then.
I know your post will help parents of other children who have to experience the loss of a pet or a family member.
Thanks, Becky!
xoxo Lori
Thanks Lori! Yes, Sam has never been the most creative child when it comes to naming pets and stuffed animals. The fish – “Sam Jr.”, the Teddy Bear – “Teddy”; the stuffed dog – “Doggie”; you get the picture. But he is a very sweet little boy and I am glad her knows that it is ok to cry and grieve.
Great blog Becky, it is amazing how quickly children pick up on things, allowing them to experience loss is very important in my opinion. If they are put in the dark about what is going on and only see the change in their parents behaviors they may feel like its their fault or that it was something they did that is making the parents sad. Allowing them to participate is key to helping them in future events or even smaller life events that are emotional or even tragic. It gives them the skills to work through their pain and emulate the adults reactions around them.
Thanks Jenn. I agree with you. It is something that my parents modeled for me and I am glad that John and I can pass this valuable lesson in life on to my boys.