25 Years of Parenting and All I Get is this Empty Room
25 Years of Parenting and All I Get is this Empty Room . . .
My youngest daughter just moved out of the house. Gone. Just like that. As her first year of college closed out this May, she decided to take up residency with her boyfriend. He’s a peaceful young man. I like him. So does my wife. More importantly, my daughter likes him more than I know.
Their “palace” is a bedroom and bath in a shared apartment in South San Clemente. It’s a short walk or bike ride to the beach, which is nice since they both love the ocean. The summer sunsets will be amazing. Hand-in-hand, they will walk bare-foot along the beach just like my wife and I have done for years.
As I helped them take out her dresser from the room (the final piece of furniture to leave our home) I noticed how empty this once busy and cluttered space had become. The closet that was once filled with her clothes, clothes that I laundered for 25 years, was now filled with my business suits, casual shirts and coats.
The walls that once were home to her funky artwork and posters and her cork board pinned with articles and photos and to-do lists are now bare…almost quiet.
I placed the guitars that I play daily in the room. The solitary chair I sit on seems so small and lonely in the place where her exotic Tiger-eye bamboo bunk bed once stood so tall.
You can actually see the floor now; and step wherever you like without dancing around the clothes and books and laptop and all the other things that most teenagers and young adults leave mindlessly out of place as they busy themselves in their lives.
Now, as I look into this room, which is no longer my daughter’s bedroom, I smile, knowing that this empty place is now my confirmation; I have succeeded as a father.
How did I succeed? Well, my definition of success might differ from other parent’s definitions. But this is why I feel I succeeded:
- Independence. My daughter has fully embraced her independence. She is secure in herself, knowing that this is the first part of her life’s journey now that she is gone from the house of her father.
- Confidence. She was crystal clear on with her decision to move out on her own with her boyfriend. She was bold and thoughtful as she explained to me why it was the right decision for her to make, even though I told her that I wasn’t in total agreement with her decision.
- Respect. My daughter greatly appreciated the fact that I respected her decision and her adulthood. It would have been easy for me to suffocate her with my opinions; burden her with a misplaced guilt; bribe her to stay home with promises of money and possessions or actually attempt to forbid her to move out.
- Love. There wasn’t any change in the love that we share. My daughter actually feels more secure in our love because it isn’t tied to any unwanted or unrealistic expectations that would minimize her journey’s growth.
I am happy that my daughter moved out. She knows I’ll always be there for her in times of crisis and need. She knows I’ll always be there to share ideas and talk about the future that stands before her. She knows that I’ll always be there to hold her hand and kiss her face when she needs her father’s love and support.
She knows that I’ll always be there…ALWAYS!
So . . .
Are you an “Empty Nester?”
How do/did you feel when your last child moved away from home?
How has your relationship with your child changed?
– Chris
31 Comments
Chris –
This is great information for us new parents in the world. I can only imagine the emotions you are going through, happiness, heartache, & new freedoms. You have done a great job of raising your girls, this post shows your care & love for them. You get to start a new chapter in your life with Liz, so enjoy the new season and keep smiling. Hopefully they never move back!
Hopefully nothing! With my daughters, we gave them a “no return” policy to consider before they moved out on their own. It was scary for both Liz and I as parents and for Alexis and Lauren as the departing daughters. My thought is that empowerment trumps enabling; permanent movement forward trumps the “yo-yo” effect and confident support trumps misplaced doubt. But with that being said, cherish the moments when your son clings to you, not wanting to land in someone else’s arms. There will be a time in his future when he will long to cling to another. Always let his crying face see your magnificent smile because seeing your smile will teach him how to smile. And always love him. Always…because that’s what we as parents have chosen to do. Peace Always!
Very touching post, Chris. I can vouch for the fact that they may be out of the house, but we never quit being “Dad” or “Mom” and we never quite give up the license to worry, whether it is needed or not. It’s just part of growing up and growing out process. As Father’s Day approaches, it was wonderful to see fatherhood through your eyes.
Out of the house but never out of the heart. I worry for my daughter’s safety, but I worry in the quiet of my heart. I celebrate their successes in loud, bold songs of praise. I feed them today, but not every day. I offer advise, but it is given with a figurative “return to sender SASE.” We are always Moms and Dads. As parents, that’s our knowledge. That’s our joy! Peace Always!
Chris,
You are such a wonderful man and your girls are lucky to have you!
Losing my father so young I am left to wonder what this moment may have felt like for both of us.
I can only hope that he would have had your same sentimental and loving heart.
It is an honor to call you my friend.
Love you,
Lori
I can’t imagine my daughters losing me to death or distance. Before Alexis was born, I read somewhere that shared this: When a father/daughter relationship is healthy, it is the most magical relationship the world will ever know. Liz lost her father when she was thirteen years old. She misses the lost history of their unknown life’s experiences; but her father’s love for her was so deep and defining, that even after only thirteen years, that love shaped her life life more powerfully than she had ever expected. My mother lost her father tragically when she was seven. She too lived her life defined by the experience. Your loss was exactly that…a loss. But knowing you, beauty of the heart blossomed in your garden, even though your “gardener” left too soon. Peace Always!
Chris,
Wow what an amazing post! You are a great father and your daughter will succeed because she has you and your wife supporting her in her decisions.
Thank you for sharing the journey,
Shayna
Christopher,
Thank you for your wise words. It is so amazing for me to listen to you talk about your girls, and hear the love and peace you have in your voice. Tears fill my eyes as I read this and all the responses from your readers. My own father walked away from his children and 5 grandchildren over 15 years ago. I listen to your words and it causes such a deep pain in my chest. How could a father give that up? You are a man among men. I am so thankful for you, your experiences and your friendship. Peace to you my friend, and the joy of knowing you have made a mark not only on your daughters, but other “girls” in your life who are blessed to know you.
Karilyn