25 Years of Parenting and All I Get is this Empty Room

25 Years of Parenting and All I Get is this Empty Room

25 Years of Parenting and All I Get is this Empty Room . . .

My youngest daughter just moved out of the house.  Gone.  Just like that.  As her first year of college closed out this May, she decided to take up residency with her boyfriend.  He’s a peaceful young man.  I like him.  So does my wife.  More importantly, my daughter likes him more than I know.

Their “palace” is a bedroom and bath in a shared apartment in South San Clemente.  It’s a short walk or bike ride to the beach, which is nice since they both love the ocean.  The summer sunsets will be amazing.  Hand-in-hand, they will walk bare-foot along the beach just like my wife and I have done for years.

As I helped them take out her dresser from the room (the final piece of furniture to leave our home) I noticed how empty this once busy and cluttered space had become.  The closet that was once filled with her clothes, clothes that I laundered for 25 years, was now filled with my business suits, casual shirts and coats.

The walls that once were home to her funky artwork and posters and her cork board pinned with articles and photos and to-do lists are now bare…almost quiet.

I placed the guitars that I play daily in the room.  The solitary chair I sit on seems so small and lonely in the place where her exotic Tiger-eye bamboo bunk bed once stood so tall.

You can actually see the floor now; and step wherever you like without dancing around the clothes and books and laptop and all the other things that most teenagers and young adults leave mindlessly out of place as they busy themselves in their lives.

Now, as I look into this room, which is no longer my daughter’s bedroom, I smile, knowing that this empty place is now my confirmation; I have succeeded as a father.

How did I succeed?  Well, my definition of success might differ from other parent’s definitions.  But this is why I feel I succeeded:

  • Independence.  My daughter has fully embraced her independence.  She is secure in herself, knowing that this is the first part of her life’s journey now that she is gone from the house of her father.
  • Confidence.  She was crystal clear on with her decision to move out on her own with her boyfriend.  She was bold and thoughtful as she explained to me why it was the right decision for her to make, even though I told her that I wasn’t in total agreement with her decision.
  • Respect.  My daughter greatly appreciated the fact that I respected her decision and her adulthood.  It would have been easy for me to suffocate her with my opinions; burden her with a misplaced guilt; bribe her to stay home with promises of money and possessions or actually attempt to forbid her to move out.
  • Love.  There wasn’t any change in the love that we share.  My daughter actually feels more secure in our love because it isn’t tied to any unwanted or unrealistic expectations that would minimize her journey’s growth.

I am happy that my daughter moved out.  She knows I’ll always be there for her in times of crisis and need.  She knows I’ll always be there to share ideas and talk about the future that stands before her.  She knows that I’ll always be there to hold her hand and kiss her face when she needs her father’s love and support.

She knows that I’ll always be there…ALWAYS!

So . . .

Are you an “Empty Nester?”

How do/did you feel when your last child moved away from home?

How has your relationship with your child changed?

– Chris

Molly Keating
Molly Keating
Hello! I'm Molly and I run & manage the Blog here at O'Connor. I grew up in a mortuary with a mortician for a father who's deep respect for the profession inspired me to give working at a mortuary a try. Work at O'Connor has brought together two of my deep passions, writing & grief awareness. In 2016 I earned Certification in the field of Thanatology, the study of Death, Dying and Bereavement. I am honored to be able to speak on these taboo topics with knowledge, compassion, and a unique perspective. I want to sincerely thank you for following & reading the blog, I hope that this is a healing place for you.

31 Comments

  1. Amy says:

    She turned out so well because of the amazing parent and role model you are Chris. I know I will be there someday hopefully not too soon but I can only hope that I have done as good of a job preparing my girls for their new journey. You are an inspiration!

  2. Diana Williams says:

    Great post Chris!!

  3. Patricia Kolstad says:

    Christopher . . . thank you, thank you!
    Your love and tenderness jumps from the page. I can see the room, and I can remember that feeling as if it was yesterday. I’ve watched 4 kids move out, struggle, and move back in. As a mom, I couldn’t help but want to support them. I honor your strength, your character, your love and your ability to have deep conversations about life and all that it hands us! You are a testament, Chris, to great parenting. I now cherish the memories and celebrate each of my children’s successes as they happen. 25 Years of Parenting . . . an you get joy of saying . . JOB WELL DONE! Thank you Chris!

  4. Maria Fernandez says:

    Chris,
    Such a beautiful Blog! I’m gonna be selfish in saying this but: I’m not looking forward to reaching that chapter in my life. I love that little girl who runs around my house, painting walls, making messes, making crazy noises and calling about for “mamma” I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Thank you for sharing your heart with the world. Be blessed for that my friend! anywaaaaaaaaaaaas!!!

    Maria

    • You are so right wanting to keep the little wonder of your life home forever. I will always say that I wish I could’ve frozen my daughters at 9 years old. It was the “perfect” age for me as a father. Selfish? Yes. But as the years came and went, my selfish love evolved into a selfless love. I knew that one day, by babies would be gone and I had to not only prepare them for the separation, but I had to prepare myself for the separation. Selfless love. That is what defines a strong, loving parent. But in the mean time, celebrate the business of your daughter’s young life. And when she puts her painted handprint on your most beautiful and favorite wall, cover your hand with paint and put your handprint right next to hers.

  5. Betty F says:

    Wow, I have experience all those feelings that everyone has expressed. With three children leaving the nest, all at yound ages, compare to today, when so many children live at home far longer than it used to be. Today I am somewhat feeling those emotions again but, only after four days of having my granddaughter with me as she recovers from major surgery. She says she is ready to go back to her apartment. I’m happy she is well enough to do that. She has had so many prayers lifted up for her. I put her in God’s hands and pray for her healing.

    • Betty, your journey with your granddaughter takes you to a deeper place where love not only lives, but participates in the healing process that is so needed. To experience the gift of caring for someone else in a time of need is a gift given out of love and trust and you received that wonderful gift. I pray that I am worthy of that special trust and when I am called to care for my grandchild, I hope that my heart is as big as yours. Peace Always!

    • Lori Bristol says:

      That’s because you are driving your granddaughter crazy Mama B!!!! Lol!!
      Love you!!!!

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