25 Years of Parenting and All I Get is this Empty Room
25 Years of Parenting and All I Get is this Empty Room . . .
My youngest daughter just moved out of the house. Gone. Just like that. As her first year of college closed out this May, she decided to take up residency with her boyfriend. He’s a peaceful young man. I like him. So does my wife. More importantly, my daughter likes him more than I know.
Their “palace” is a bedroom and bath in a shared apartment in South San Clemente. It’s a short walk or bike ride to the beach, which is nice since they both love the ocean. The summer sunsets will be amazing. Hand-in-hand, they will walk bare-foot along the beach just like my wife and I have done for years.
As I helped them take out her dresser from the room (the final piece of furniture to leave our home) I noticed how empty this once busy and cluttered space had become. The closet that was once filled with her clothes, clothes that I laundered for 25 years, was now filled with my business suits, casual shirts and coats.
The walls that once were home to her funky artwork and posters and her cork board pinned with articles and photos and to-do lists are now bare…almost quiet.
I placed the guitars that I play daily in the room. The solitary chair I sit on seems so small and lonely in the place where her exotic Tiger-eye bamboo bunk bed once stood so tall.
You can actually see the floor now; and step wherever you like without dancing around the clothes and books and laptop and all the other things that most teenagers and young adults leave mindlessly out of place as they busy themselves in their lives.
Now, as I look into this room, which is no longer my daughter’s bedroom, I smile, knowing that this empty place is now my confirmation; I have succeeded as a father.
How did I succeed? Well, my definition of success might differ from other parent’s definitions. But this is why I feel I succeeded:
- Independence. My daughter has fully embraced her independence. She is secure in herself, knowing that this is the first part of her life’s journey now that she is gone from the house of her father.
- Confidence. She was crystal clear on with her decision to move out on her own with her boyfriend. She was bold and thoughtful as she explained to me why it was the right decision for her to make, even though I told her that I wasn’t in total agreement with her decision.
- Respect. My daughter greatly appreciated the fact that I respected her decision and her adulthood. It would have been easy for me to suffocate her with my opinions; burden her with a misplaced guilt; bribe her to stay home with promises of money and possessions or actually attempt to forbid her to move out.
- Love. There wasn’t any change in the love that we share. My daughter actually feels more secure in our love because it isn’t tied to any unwanted or unrealistic expectations that would minimize her journey’s growth.
I am happy that my daughter moved out. She knows I’ll always be there for her in times of crisis and need. She knows I’ll always be there to share ideas and talk about the future that stands before her. She knows that I’ll always be there to hold her hand and kiss her face when she needs her father’s love and support.
She knows that I’ll always be there…ALWAYS!
So . . .
Are you an “Empty Nester?”
How do/did you feel when your last child moved away from home?
How has your relationship with your child changed?
– Chris
31 Comments
Chris,
One chapter closes and another begins, great blog. Another bitter sweet moment in the life of a parent. Thanks for sharing your journey and some insight on the path that led to this empty room in your house. Being a father of three, two in high school and one in grade school I know how quickly the time goes and how before you know it they are spreading their wings. Great job Chris, I’m sure there are some parents of some 35 year old who lives at home that want your secret.
Chuck,
You’re time for Faith leaving home is coming sooner than you might want it to. You’ll use the lessons learned from her departure to soften the blow for Christian and Cameron. But trust me, when Cam goes off to college or some great surfing adventure, you’ll drink fully from the cup of parenting fulfilled. And you’ll love your children more deeply than you know right now. Peace Aways!
Loved this post! I’m 58, and still have one son at home – but my oldest moved out five years ago, maybe six! I remember how hard that day was. Granted, I was excited at getting his bedroom for my office space, but as I swept the floor, I cried, and cried, and cried. Such a bittersweet mixture of emotions. Pride, joy, love – deep, deep, love for this wonderful young man – all colored by the fear of loneliness.
But, guess what? There’s no loneliness. I talk to him frequently, and he is very much a part of my life. I’ve watched him grow into strong adulthood – and interestingly enough, my younger son has watched his brother too. And, savvy kid that he is, he realizes that – for now – he’s better off at home. Both young men are demonstrating themselves to be “smart cookies” in that they know what’s best for themselves. And that’s the crux of good parenting, I think, so I can pat myself on the back, and enjoy the quiet spaces in my life.
Thanks, Chris, for a thoughtful, well-written post. And, may I say, the title of your screenplay is thought-provoking! Wish I could get my hands on it, to enjoy another “good read”!
Kim,
Thank you for your kind words. You are so right regarding the absence of loneliness. My wife and I feel excitement and pride in the place of loneliness. We truly love hearing from Lauren that all is well. The conversations have evolved from a “question and answer” exercise to a true dialogue between parents and a young adult. I feel that we all appreciate each other more today than even six weeks ago. And we do like having the quiet space that Lauren left behind. Peace Always!
Chris,
What a poignant writing this is. I felt my own emotion rise up within me as my own memories of a room suddenly and irreversably changed echoed the haunting images that still echo of a little girl that changed in-perceptively each day and all at once. “The End”. We used to see it at the end of movies. But it is never so stark than when we father’s enter that room when the last sweet possession is gone. Where did the time go? How did we get here? I still mourn the end of my son’s and daughter’s childhood.
Fr. Richard Rohr once said “Freedom is the gift that LOVE gives.” He was speaking of the freedom God has given us to choose in life any path we desire. Without this freedom, the freedom to choose to love or not to, love itself would be meaningless and empty. It would be a command to obey and there would be no contrast to give it definition or context. It is freedom to fail or succeed. Your action is like that of God’s who loves us at all times because He can do nothing else. The Apostle John says “God is Love”. I hope that I too can be that kind of father to my children, now both adults, that can give them the freedom that love gives.
I love you brother!
Jeff
So true. Don’t you love seeing your love reflected in the character of your adult children. We see the obvious physical similarities, but also the confidence, boldness, humor, smiles, laugh etc. God calls us to love. By loving, we bring ourselves closer to God. By loving our children, we bring them closer to God. Peace Always!
Such an insightful and heartwarming blog! I think that any parent who experiences the “caboose” of the “children train” moving out and on with their life can relate. I know I can. It is a big adjustment for a Mother, but is was interesting to read about this time of life from a Father’s perspective. Once a Daddy’s Girl – always a Daddy’s Girl! She is a lucky girl to have a Father that raised her to be independent, confident, respectful and full of love. Good job Chris…
It’s funny that you use the “train” analogy. Liz and I were sharing our feelings and perspectives with some friends and my wife said about Lauren’s moving out: “This was a train running full steam ahead. Get out of the way or get run over by something that can’t be stopped.” I believe as parents we have to be keenly aware when “the train needs to leave the station.” My youngest isn’t only the train, she’s also the engineer, conductor and passenger. Peace Always!
Love you even more Chris..
Miss breakfast and many things with you… XOXOXO
…but not the children experience. You are awesome, missed and greatly loved. See you soon!! Peace Always!