What Do You Do with “Different?”
Sometimes when I encounter someone who is so different from my world of normal, I wonder if I am handling it appropriately. What do you do when you run into “different’? How open are you? Do you ignore or dismiss those who are older, younger, poorer, less attractive, less intelligent, obese, or handicapped?
A Fleeting Moment …
We were waiting at a light on the way to Village Church this morning. Lutheran Church of the Cross is at that corner. A nicely dressed and coiffed lady of about 90 was in a wheel chair. She had just come out of church and was being walked home by a younger woman. As I lazily watched the elderly lady, I noticed she held a rose in full bloom. She raised it to her face and breathed in the fragrance several times. Then she closed her eyes and visibly lifted her face fully to the sun with a rapturous expression. My eyes filled-up as I contemplated: She is the same as I…though trapped, yes, by the frailties of her body. Yet inside she loves the smell of roses and the warm sun on her face and worshiping at her church.
A Half Hour Conversation …
A couple of weeks ago, I was checking shoppers out at an estate sale. A man next in line was trying to ask me for advice regarding some things he wanted to sell. His stutter was the worst I have ever encountered. A simple question was taking several minutes to complete. I nodded my understanding, glanced at the waiting line behind him and asked if he could wait. We then went out into the sunshine where I thought he might feel more comfortable. It took him a long time to get out everything he wanted to tell me. After, I gave him the information he needed. Then I said, “I am ok with your stuttering. I have a wonderful brother who stutters sometimes when he gets excited.” He visibly relaxed. He thanked me for not interrupting or finishing his sentences. That angers him when it happens, since he knows his own thoughts. Another does not. I learned a lot from him in the next several minutes.
A Sunday Afternoon …
Let me take you back 30 years. A shockingly ragged and smelly bum knocked on our door one Sunday afternoon. He asked for a glass of water and use of the facilities. I invited him in. I noticed his outer coat was horrible, stiff with grime, torn and did not fasten properly. I offered him an extra coat of my husband’s, but he declined. I then told him I could easily mend his coat in minutes, but he again refused. The water and facilities were all he required. After a long while, he came back into the room. He thanked us and handed my husband a small scrap of paper. It was a scripture reference written in dull pencil. He asked, since we were kind to him if he might say something he believed to be vital. We agreed. He told Lou that it was very important, that he, as my husband, pray for my protection and blessing every day before I left the house. Then he was gone! It was so strange!
The next morning, Lou decided, even though he had never prayed out loud in front of another person before that he would do so. The whole event was too weird not to be significant. Though we always looked for him in that small town, we never saw him again. That day and that bum, however, changed our lives. It is a practice we have continued, and is one of the most meaningful turns ever on the road of our life.
More examples come to mind, but the point is this: The 90 year old lady is different because of her age, but a few seconds revealed we feel the same about roses, worship, and sunshine. The stuttering man is different because of his speech, but a mere half hour revealed that we both want to be respected for our intelligence and to be allowed to have our own voice. I suppose I thought I was being very charitable when I allowed the bum into our home to partake of the bare necessities of the moment. In actuality, all he got was water. When we respected his words, we were the ones who received something that would prove to impact the rest of our lives.
I am continuously learning that when I am open to those who are so different from me and give them the respect due them, I am the one who gains from the encounter. Do I always do it? I am ashamed to say that I don’t. My encouragement to you is a reminder to me.
How do you handle “different’?
What lessons are you giving your children?
Can you recall instances where you benefited from time you gave to someone who would have been easier to ignore? Please share!
31 Comments
Anne,
The joy of life is that people are different, and they have the right to be respected and to enjoy life to the fullest whatever their condition, for we never know what an interaction or connection with them may bring to us. If we care about deepening ourselves as human beings, we have to be open and take on all comers…and put our focus in to looking for the “good” in them, and, if we are lucky, we will be made uncomfortable, which hopefully will lead to a change in us and what we think and then allow us to be better people. Everyone wins!
I have one sibling, a mentally retarded brother a couple of years younger than me. He only rarely utters a word and he is definitely “different”. I have learned to empathize with his condition as I grew up, and treat him as I would like to be treated if our situations were reversed. I have learned to be sensitive to his behaviors and his limitations. I have learned a lot from observing how others relate to him. I must say that it did and still does take strength on my part not to be overly sensitive to some of his behaviors when we are out in public as some can be quite attention getting to those who don’t understand. But he has taught me to be appreciative of the simple things…when I take him out on a Sunday, we many times can walk a mile on a jogging track together, not always an easy thing for him to do.
And what better thing to do than to enjoy ice cream on a picnic bench together on a lazy Sunday afternoon…something so simple and such an easy thing to do.
Both my boys have grown up knowing him and being aware of his “difference”. This in turn, allowed them to reach out to others, whether retarded or not, who are different or maybe just “new” to their school in a more relaxed and accepting way without the baggage of being concerned if this was an “uncool” thing to do.
So I am grateful for what my brother has taught my family about human life and its value.
“Viva la Difference”!
Greg
Greg
Wow, Greg. We both have (I had) a brother named Phil with special needs. I appreciated hearing about your brother Phil. My Phil did fine until he was almost 50 and went back and got his Master’s Degree. He graduated and was studying for his state boards in counseling and suddenly couldn’t remember anything that he should have known since high school. A series of strokes had destroyed important brain cells and empty places surfaced in his brain under testing. He eventually lost nearly all his memory and reasoning and the ability to care for himself. Fortunately, my sister in law is an RN and was able to give her life to care for his until he passed a few years ago. There is a case of falling in love, marrying, having kids and building a life with someone and then losing them years before they actually die because of brain changes. I have always greatly honored her in my heart for all she did for our brother after he became “different”.
Thank you for sharing.
Anne,
Thank you for the reminder to always have an open mind and an open heart. Often times we judge others before we have even spoken to them. Some of my greatest learning experiences have come from talking with “different” types of people. It has opened my mind and my heart to a whole new world of acceptance. I am no better then anyone else. They are no better then I. God created us all equally.
Thanks for sharing your personal journey and reminded me what is important.
Amy
Amy,
Thank you for your thoughts. You brought up one point that struck a new chord… What about the people that I tend to put on little pedestals because of this quality I admire, or that milestone they have reached that I haven’t? We are all created equally. Yes, we strive for excellence personally, but those pedestals have to go, too. Appreciate you.
Anne,
This topic hits so close to home. You’ve written just beautifully about such a deep & tender problem. I can certainly look back on failures where I didn’t treat people with respect or give them the basic kindness they deserved from me. I’ve failed many times personally and in my customer service experience. I remember an instance where I was working as a cashier and I’d look up at the next person to help & instantly make a negative judgment about them. I began slowly realizing that each of the snap judgments I was making were completely inaccurate. I would initially treat my customer with low expectations and by the end of the conversation I would try to be as sweet as possible when I realized my error – it was a really nice person, not an annoying person as I’d judged. That singular afternoon changed how I do customer service and has tremendously impacted how I look at people today. I try not to assume I know something about them, I treat them with interest and respect & want them to feel the quality of my service from the beginning to the end of my time with them.
Your post goes beyond this & illustrates a life of openness, compassion & true desire to love people. I’m challenged, encouraged & really moved by your post. Thank you so much for sharing your stories, they are so simple & beautiful. Well done!
Molly,
I remember so many times hearing pastors say in their sermons that every time they bring up a touchy subject, they find themselves having to “live it out”. I have been so aware of so many “different” situations since writing this. I truly am having to live it out myself.
Customer service in any line of work really puts one on the front line of treating people “right”. Thank you for the reminder.
I also notice that I have to become more tolerant and less judgmental when I observe a close friend or family member acting different. I need to try harder to understand what they might be going through and have a little patience, ask a few questions, take a bit more time to understand why the “difference”.
When the blog editor says something cool, I get all jazzed. Thanks for your encouragement!
Anne, this is wonderful! You are the most kind & sweet person I have ever known- this is proof of what I have known of you for years now. You are so welcoming of anyone or anything that comes your way. You recognize that they were put in your path for a reason & you don’t shy away. Often times, I am considered different for various reasons. During my life, I have been shunned because of my religious upbringing, my off beat sense of humor, my taste in friends or men, my funky style of fashion & music. & my health issues I’ve even been turned away at the cosmetics counter because of the hyperpigmentation on my face! But you have always accepted me for who & what I am- I am forever grateful for your unconditional love, support & friendship. You are truly an amazing inspiration! I love you! Carrie
Carrie, I wish I could live up to all that you said, but it is way too much pressure! We all feel rejections for so many things. Like Molly’s blog about listening to the wrong voices inside, we just have to cut that out. Every day brings opportunities for us all to make a difference in our world. Hopefully, not too many get left on the table.
I see you every day, dealing with the hurting families who have lost a loved one and how you love them, when they allow it and it is impressive. I see the way you take time to say or do things to make others around you feel cared for and comfortable. ALL THE TIME!! I did not even know you have hyper-pigmentation. Geez, I should have been more observant… that might change everything! See how silly we are? I love you bunches!
Anne,
I love your kind heart and know those you encounter are richer for the time they have spent with you.
Several years ago I befriended a family with an autistic son. He was four years old and was very prone to tantrums. That was an interesting time in my life to see how people respond to “different”. Sometimes his restaurant behavior was not pleasant for other diners. While some seemed understanding, others made rude comments.
This season of my life taught me not to make assumptions. Just because a child is unruly does not make him a spoiled brat.
Thank you for reminding us the importance of tolerance and the lessons we can learn from others.
Lori
Lori
I know what you mean about the limitations of autism. While they have varying degrees of abilities, the children usually are misunderstood in a public setting. My husband and daughter both worked for awhile for Good Shepherd Homes, where they cared for and assisted the autistic as well as other limiting physical and mental conditions. I learned so much, going to the parties and gatherings. I always came away feeling like I was the one enriched by the encounters.
Thank you for your comments. Love you.