“Man Up”: Re-Defining How Men Grieve
“Man Up”: Re-Defining How Men Grieve
There is a scene in a movie I wish to describe. Two men are walking on a baseball diamond towards home plate on a setting sun in Iowa. One of the men bends over and gathers his gear and wishes the other good night, then starts making his way towards the outfield. When the man gets to about the pitchers mound, the other says “Dad? Can we have a catch?” to which the other responds, “I would like that.” The two start playing catch, and continue to play catch until the sun goes down.
This movie scene, from Field of Dreams, is the only scene in which I have witnessed my father cry after it finished. When asking my mother why dad was so upset, a simple response of “It just reminds him of his daddy.” was enough for me. You see, my grandfather passed away at a very young age, my dad only being 20 years old. My father and my grandfather used to play catch in the yard often, and the scene I’m sure makes him wish that just one more time he could do it again.
I think it’s safe to say that men are expected not to cry. No mater how hard it hurts, society expects us to get up, dust ourselves off, and move on. Who cares if when sliding into second base, you scraped your knee. Who cares if while sorting through your files you get a paper cut. Put some ‘sporin on it and keep sorting! Unfortunately, these social stigmas have left us with no other choice but to “man-up” and move on.
My take: This needs to stop.
Pain is singular. I’ll agree on that. Everyone has a different pain tolerance and experience. That being said, our reaction to such pain needs to change. Fella’s, the loss of a loved one is not a paper cut or raspberry. There is no shame if when you feel the emptiness of life missing around you, to let it show. Crying is how we let it show. It makes our friends and family around us aware of the support and love we need from them and allows them to love and reach out to you. Opening ourselves up to others is incredibly healing and helpful for everyone involved.
I guess what I’m getting at is “Man Up” and cry – if that’s what you need. Open yourself up. Closed doors during the grieving process are only waiting to be opened again.
After learning more about my grandfather’s funeral, I found out that my father held a lot in. He closed multiple doors to his friends and family, and now lives with the repercussions of breaking down into tears when he receives a painful reminder. Maybe letting it show earlier would have helped? I don’t know. Everyone is different. But I do know this: allowing yourself to grieve the way you need to is the best thing you can do for yourself. Whatever way, shape, or form that takes throw yourself into it. It’s difficult, but that’s what makes it all the more courageous, important, and manly.
For Men & Women: If you have faced grief in your life what did you find was helpful for you as you grieved?
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For Men: Have you struggled with grief? To what extent has the idea of “Manning Up” helped or hindered your grief?
36 Comments
A very helpful message and thank you for sharing about your family. It seems that in many cultures men have a role to keep it together during difficult times and not get emotional. Whoever you are, you should be able to express your true emotions. And we should not be frightened or uncomfortable when someone, man or women, show their feelings.
Michael T. Thomas. Very well written and definitely a subject that most men do not even want to speak about. I grew up in a culture that has always asked men to “Man up” and suck it up so reading your article hit close to home. Good job young man!
Thanks so much Joanna! and hey, I’m not much younger than you!
Michael,
Thanks for this very poignant piece. I believe your career in our profession will be long and full. Full of accomplished purpose as you grow to help families walk through the most difficult of days. I love the capable young man that you are and the tenderness of your heart that makes you perfect in facilitating services and welcoming families and their guests, making them feel at home and confident because of your care and professionalism.
I am proud to be a part of any team that you are a member of.
Blessings,
Jeff Turner
I wouldn’t be part of this team if it wasn’t for you, sir! Thank you so much for bringing me aboard this wonderful company!
Michael,
Thanks for your insightful words. As a society, we have almost programmed to believe that “big boys don’t cry”. Your words are an important reminder that it is ok to be vulnerable especially when grieving. Let the tears flow if overcome with those emotions. Great blog!
Fitz
Vulnerability is the #1 think that was emphasized when I was taking all those acting classes. Why? Because that makes us human, and others can relate more completely. Thank you for your wise words, sir!
Hi Michael, I’m a Blog Follower and your topic Touch me about how our men do Grieve. I Believe this all started in the early years of mankind when Men had to be Men due to not being weak.,and that carry thru the years. Do to time passing many changes had to happen,they did. Thank God!!! Men are more sensitive to their feelings and they should be, Their not as” Hardy” as maybe their “DAD” were…But Thank God they are being their ow persons on how they see themselfs That is Profound!!! May it follow thru their children to see it is O.K to be Yourself all their life. Bless them…..Thanks for letting me express myself…….Feeling should always be express……<3.
Hello faithful follower! I’m so happy that even a few words could speak into your life. I will have many more blogs to come, and I would always love to see your feedback!