The Legacy Keeper
The Legacy Keeper: A Celebrant’s Gift to Me
My brother Jim had died on February 19th just over a month ago. The Sunday after my family gathered on that warm afternoon to share all of the stories we had accumulated throughout his lifetime. We (2 of my brother’s children, all 4 of mine + grandkids galore) had come to meet Keith Page, our Funeral Celebrant. I had briefly met Keith last year when he and Ty Rose, another Celebrant, came to our Mortuary to provide us with a glimpse of what a Celebrant service looks like. Little did I know that one year later he would be sitting in front of us, promising to tell our story.
Keith arrived on time. His dark hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail and his smile shown through a dark beard speckled with white . . . a profound sense of comfort settled throughout the crowded room . . .
After circling the room meeting our clan, he explained that he was here to capture the essence of the father, brother and uncle who had died. He wanted to hear not only the stories filled with life, love and fun, but also the heartbreaking truths about who this man was and the effect that he had on our lives. He was here to tell our story but, more importantly, to tell my brother’s story. A story of love and loss, heartache and pain. Of wanting to do good, but never figuring out how. A story of someone lost and then found. A story, when told would heal our pain. I didn’t know just how that would happen but I trusted the man who cared enough to let us speak the truth.
I shared my memories of my brother, of his life as a child, how proud he was to be a Corporal in the Marine Corps and serve his country in Vietnam. I recalled his struggles with PTSD, his addictions to opiates, and the lifelong demons that held onto him. I watched as Keith wrote on that big yellow legal pad with a bold, black marker. It seemed strange at first, but then I realized that he was writing with permanence and sweeping strokes the words that made up the legacy of my brother’s life.
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/sharrocks
As each of my kids brought their uncle into view, I was taken back by what they remembered. His favorite clichés, the cars he drove, his obsession with Peterbilt Trucks and the little girl slumber parties he crashed, performing his famous Elvis impression with a hairbrush for a microphone and dancing with each little girl. With a tube of lipstick he conned out of me, he would sign their little arms with “Elvis”. He was a wonderful playmate and they adored him. As I listened to them remember, tears sprang and earlier, happier memories flooded my soul. This was the man I wanted to remember. These were the days filled with life and laughter.
Then Keith looked over to my niece, Jim’s daughter Jayme, and said, “I haven’t heard from you yet.” She paused, and then said words that broke my heart, “I’ve been listening to all of the stories my cousins have been telling . . . and I don’t have any good memories to tell.” Too many broken promises had led his children into estrangement from their dad. I moved him from Oregon to California with a small hope of reconciliation but nothing changed until the night of his death when Jayme came. Keith asked if she would like to write a letter to her dad, she said she would but didn’t want to read it at the service herself. Keith lovingly said, “I will read your words.” Three and a half hours later, with legal pad in hand, Keith left us.
I was exhausted, emotionally and physically spent, and as I looked around the room, so was my family. There were tears and hugs, sighs and laughter, as we continued to recount the memories that filled the room that day.
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/brandonsyn
Out of the stories emerged the man I wanted to remember, the man that I wanted to honor. I saw that he was worthy and that I was now the keeper of his legacy.
I miss him. When thoughts of him come rushing at me there will be tears and moments of great sadness. But I do know that for our family, using Celebrant helped us to honor and pay tribute to my brother. After that family meeting my heart felt renewed and at peace. We had created his legacy.
|| what do you think?
– How does this idea of the “Family Meeting” strike you?
Is it intimidating or inviting?
– Would you like to meet Keith? Click here & come to our Art Show!
62 Comments
Pat,
Remembering those we love is so important in our journey through the landscapes of celebration and grief. Celebrants like Keith and Ty possess the trained skills that assist us as we bring these stories forward; enriching the memories of all touched by the life of the deceased. We find comfort and memory in the structure of the service that might not be experienced without the proper guidance of a skillful and attentive Celebrant. Your brother’s service touched many people because of the depth mined by the Celebrant.
Chris . .
Whereas some folks might want to write their own eulogy or “life story” for their loved one, what we chose to do is have each family member give their recollection of their time with my brother, and in doing that, we had the opportunity to hear and remember things that we had forgotten. Each had their own remembrance to share, and that gave the story a rich truism of just who my brother was. Even though I had him in my life for 60 plus years, his children and mine had memories that helped us to understand his life, his struggles and his successes. I surely want to be a proponent of Funeral Celebrants. Keith helped us to truly honor his life. Thanks so much for your comments.
Pat
Pat,
The ceremony for your brother was truly honoring of him. Seeing the depth and dramatic change on his daughter’s face from the day I first met her while you were making funeral arrangements, to the moments after the service when she hugged Keith Page will be etched in my mind. The heavy weight and look of bewilderment I saw in her as she pondered having a service for her father was clear. How could she honor the father of her expectations that she never had? The family meeting you described is such a huge healing event. It seems so simple yet it is so profound as the stories come. Perspectives change. My last memory of your niece just after the ceremony is of her almost bouncing up to Keith with a big smile and long hug for him. The weight was gone. Her father’s true story had been told. It was worth telling. The faceted perspectives of those who saw him in their own ways wove together a story that honored who you brother was in this life. That brought healing to a little girls heart who needed her dad’s story to be told so that she herself could begin to understand.
Though the Funeral Celebrant is relatively new to us, it is becoming a passion for all who have experienced the beauty of the process.
Thank you for sharing this story with us all. Thank you for choosing to allow the community to come together and to learn to love your brother by understanding more about the light and darkness that embodied him as it does us all.
Blessings,
Jeff
My sweet friend . . . I am so very thankful to have had all of you at my brother’s service, and to have you experience first hand the incredible healing power that occurs when a Celebrant is involved. I am so grateful to Michael for literally pushing to have Keith tell his story. My thought was to have a visitation and graveside at Riverside National. With the encouragement of Michael, Joe and Neil, I was able to see in my minds eye how I could bring honor and worthiness to my brothers life. . . . even though he had lifelong struggles, inconsistencies, addictions and demons. As I mentioned in the blog, I didn’t know at the time of the arrangement how that was all going to work, but I trusted our team to explain and assure me that we would not be disappointed. After our family meeting I knew that Keith was the right fit for our family. He made sure that everyone who wanted to speak got the chance, and our sweet Jayme, even though she said she didn’t have any memories to share, Keith assured her that if she wrote a letter, how much better it would be for her on her healing journey. She couldn’t and wouldn’t read it, but when Keith spoke her words, it was incredibly powerful. As you observed, she really did start to “fall in love” with her dad again. I have watched the video several times, cried and laughed, but mostly I have felt such peace knowing that we did the right thing. In talking with my family, this will be how we honor our loved ones in the future.
Lovingly,
Pat
Pat,
Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Thank you for allowing yourself to be transparent and realize that no matter what life you lived it is worth celebrating. Far too often we glaze over the bad and try and only remember the good. I commend you for bringing your brother here and trying with all your heart to initiate the reconnection with his children. Even though it wasn’t until the end it still happened. The best part is now the relationship you will have with your niece Jayme.
Amy
Amy . . . Amen to that last sentence.
This really has been a renewal of family. And as I have said many times since the service, my brother gave us all the greatest gifts in his children. We cannot see our family gatherings with them. And Jayme is moving forward so wonderfully, She’s even put her dad’s favorite song as her ringtone, and downloaded one of his favorite albums to listen to while she’s driving. It has been nothing short of miraculous as far as I’m concerned. I will stand on a soap box to let anyone know the power in having a Funeral Celebrant tell the story. Keith Page will always have a very special place in my heart and the hearts of my family.
PS: I know you are going through a rough journey right now, and I want you to know that you have the support of all of us here. We love you and care about you and your family.
Love you . . .
Pat
Pat,
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, much too soon.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience of preparing for and having a celebrant service for your brother. The Family Meeting concept strikes me as absolutely vital so that each family member can share their own unique experiences and feelings. And doing so makes the service that much more meaningful and healing for each of you in return. Your brother was so obviously very loved by all of you in your own ways!
Love,
Rosemary
Hi Rosemary
Thank you so much for your comments. I so agree with your comment that the family meeting is one of the most vital part in preparation for the service. It brings everyone together to reflect on their memories and share their true feelings. I don’t see that always happening in services that I have attended. In fact, one of my brothers life long friends said that his service was one of the most truthful and courageous services she had ever attend. I felt very comforted by that.
Love,
Pat
MP,
What a beautiful picture you describe of what Keith, Ty and other Celebrants bring to a ceremony. Your story is so beautifully written that I felt as though I was in the room while you all shared your stories.
I know you gave your all to care for your brother, often risking your own health in the process. It was mentally and physically exhausting for you. You should have absolutely no regrets that you did everything you could to give him a wonderful life around his family in his final years. You are not responsible for his choices, he was. Always remember that and be proud of how you cared for him.
As you know, I will eventually be planning a ceremony for my grandmother. I am not certain if it will be this year or ten years from now since she refuses to give up!
I had often envisioned just doing a visitation, no clergy and a private graveside service.
After meeting Ty and reading your story about Keith, I will definitely have a Celebrant service when the time comes. I think it will be very healing for me to have her full story shared.
Thank you for sharing so much of your brother and yourself with us.
Love you!
Lori
Lori . . thank you so much for your kind words.
It was important for me to bring my brother to California. I did not want him to be alone any longer, nor did I want him to die alone. Becoming a caregiver is an overwhelming responsibility, especially when those in your care need so much attention. You never really know how sick someone is until their bodies cannot get better. He was so very sick and even though he tried to get better he just couldn’t. It was heartbreaking watching him decline. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. I’m so glad that you are rethinking your grandmother’s service. What another great legacy you would leave with those who love her. Not only her legacy of years, but everything she’s done throughout her life. I for one, would love to hear that!
Love you!
MP