Journey Mercies . . . Life’s Lessons
Journey Mercies . . . Life’s Lessons
When do “life lessons” begin and when do they end? From the time we are born our days are filled with rules and regulations. Do’s and don’ts that are supposed to make our lives easier, richer, fuller, better. Don’t touch this, don’t do that. Don’t hit, don’t say bad words, don’t be mean to your sister, always say your prayers, wash your hands before dinner, say yes ma’am and no sir, please and thank-you. Don’t yell, keep your room clean and don’t say “hate”. Just writing this takes me back and makes me wonder . . . did I respond well to the life lessons I learned as a child?
In Robert Fulghum’s book, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” he states “All I really need to know about how to live and what to do I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.”
You can see a list of Fulgham’s lessons from kindergarten here.
My paternal grandparents were well-to-do Orange County business owners, who entertained regularly. Since I was with them every Sunday, I remember my grandfather, who I loved dearly, helping me with my life’s lessons. He would say things like “Be kind, speak no ill against anyone, love you parents, be a good girl.” He also spent time teaching me the proper way to sit at dinner – no elbows on the table, left hand in my lap, right hand holding my fork. He taught me to say “Would you please pass the gravy?” because you would never reach across the table for anything that was not right in front of you. He taught me how to respond to an adult as I was being introduced. I would put out my hand and say “very nice to meet you.” And if they were leaving I would say “Very nice to have met you.” I was all of 7 or 8 years old. Those and a myriad of others were life lessons that I remember vividly. Reflecting on these has led me to ask,
What life lessons have I imparted to my children?
Well, it would be verbatim from the opening paragraph of this blog. It’s what we do as parents to help our kids along. We share our life lessons, with the hope that sooner or later they will “get it”.
I realize now that the “get it” factor doesn’t always resonate and sometimes our life’s lessons are learned the hard way.
What I saw as my children grew was that in learning what life was all about, they created their own set of standards, ideals and boundaries. Growing up means that all of those preset ideals will change. And so will the person who created them. As Kelly Cutrone, author of If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You, says “In breaking away from the familiar and the expected, you’ll be forced and privileged to face great challenges, learn harder lessons, and really get to know yourself.” For me, that happened at 50! The school of hard knocks was alive and well.
What I know now is the lessons we teach our children are only as good as the examples we demonstrate. How we live our lives and how we show them that honesty, integrity, and character will help them achieve a life of goodness. With that in mind, I know that I failed in many ways raising my kids. I know that I put work before their needs at home.
I was a full time employee and a part time mom.
God has been good to me these past 16 years. After making it through my divorce and some tough life lessons of my own, I realized again that honesty, integrity and character are qualities that give you perspective and the ability to rise above any adversity or failure. I made it part of my restoration to manifest these qualities in my life. That decision was purposeful. It empowered me to become a strong “mom” figure with my adult children and a better woman.
Do I regret some of those perfectly BAD decisions? Of course I do. But I also celebrate the way they changed my life. The way they gave me a deeper sense of who I really am and who I really want to become. The life lessons I have learned and the life that I live right now . . . I would not change. I have hope, power, perseverance and love beyond measure.
One of the most incredible revelations for me now is that the wisdom of my years and the life lessons of the past have given me the opportunity to walk along side my children and support them as they come to me for advice or just to talk over how their doing and feeling.
We can never go back . . . but we can change past behaviors, relationships, and decisions. We can and should mirror our own life’s lessons in the most positive way. We can be kind, respectful, and be a person of integrity. We can show compassion, justice, and love. And we can reserve the word “hate” for liver and onions and limburger cheese.
What life lessons did I learn in kindergarten, that are profoundly part of my life right now?
“Say you’re sorry when you hurt someone” and “Clean up your own mess!”
• What life lessons have stuck with you since kindergarten?
40 Comments
Life lessons…. where to start. Before I talk about a life lesson, I think I will talk about the life lesson of life lessons. That is, the frustration that comes from having to learn them over and over. I am sure I am not the only one for whom repetition is required to actually, finally learn something.
In the Christian tradition we are told to “present yourself as a living sacrifice”. That image is a tough one to because “living” and “Sacrifice” in their extreme context, are mutually exclusive. Richard Foster once said, “The problem with living sacrifices, is that they take a lifetime to offer. And the other problem is that a living sacrifice is always trying to crawl off of the alter.” Now those are pictures I can identify with.
As I “mature” (live longer and get older) the patterns become more apparent if I take the time to reflect and observe myself. Even living longer and getting older holds my “maturity” suspect. Still, I begin to be able to predict and even understand some of the motives I operate under, both good and bad. In fact just coming to grips with the fact that I am, in my present state, a mixture of darkness and light is helpful. As frustrating as it is, it is one great life lesson just to be self aware. That is, aware of my *strengths and my weaknesses. *Strengths? The wiser I become, the less I try to fool myself about my so called strengths.
So, what is my one life lesson? Getting over myself. Others are so much more interesting and worth my attention.
Thanks for this Pat,
Jeff
Thank you Jeff, for sharing from your heart. We are given that power to make that choice. It’s easier to “crawl off” than to commit and “give up” or surrender. You have been there with me as my life lessons have hit me right between the eyes. Your picture of “darkness and light” have a profound impact on me. I feel the same way that you do when it comes to being aware of where my weaknesses lie. It’s easy to say that we have learned but it takes courage and strength to move forward.
As always, I’m so thankful for your friendship and your wisdom.Pat
Pat, thank you for the reminder that some of the best lessons were learned long ago. But, I have learned the most in the last few years & they are the most difficult lessons in my whole time on Earth. What I believed was true, wasn’t. What had faith in, was fake. Some that I gave my trust, betrayed it. Those that pointed me in the right direction, led me astray. I have picked myself up & dusted myself off more times in recent years than I can count but thru it all I’ve learned to grow a thicker skin, let go & move on, look past the obvious, second guess when your intuition tells you to & ask alot of clarifying questions. I’m grateful that the lessons have stuck with me I look forward to a lifetime of learning new ones. Carrie
Carrie:
You have moved into another realm of learning. And what an opportunity for you to become the advocate for those who will or are now experienceing maybe something very similar to what you have been through. I have seen you make wiser choices and I applaud your courage to stand strong and be the woman you were meant to be and live the life that you deserve. It’s not wrong to question people, ideals, motives or lifestyles when it could affect your life. As a mentor of mine says . . “trust yet verify”. Doesn’t take long, and can save you a lot of heartache in the process. Thank you for sharing your story.
Pat
Pat,
I just loved reading this post, as well as so many of the O’Connor blog posts be everyone!
I am enjoying how with each one, including this one, I am reminded to stop, go inwards, and reflect deeply on what matters most in life. I feel so lucky and grateful to be able to get receive these words of wisdom from personal experience in my email in box weekly!
Pat, I especially enjoyed the fact that you referenced Robert Fulghum’s book which I have not picked up or thought about for some time. Great reminder, lest we forget, to go back to the basics, and this is most crucially important in our more than ever, complex times….
Thank you again for your courage and from sharing deeply from the heart.
I look forward to many more essential topics and posts from you and your colleagues!
Lórien
Lorien
It was wonderful meeting you and getting to know you better.
It’s so important to realize the power of pause. We don’t do it enough. I think that is where we really can ponder the lessons in life that have meant the most to us. The ones that we know are important to our self esteem, our integrity and our character. We all have lots to think about, and sharing our stories is one way we can step back and take a look at where we are and where we still want to be. For me now, it is very purposeful that I remember and relate this things I have learned to my family, my grandchildren, my friends and my colleagues.
Thank you for your comments. I look forward to seeing you more on the O’Connor Blog page!
Pat
My dear Kristen
Your thoughts are compelling and your perspective on life is something I so agree with. We live such fast paced lives that sometimes we don’t take time to realize that everyone isn’t the same. We need a gentler attitude toward those whose lives have been affected by how they were raised, or more importantly, by whom. I feel very strongly about imparting those things I have learned in the last several years to those I love, with the hope that hard lessons will not be part of their lives. Seek the truth, live your life with a grateful heart and seek guidance before jumping off the cliff! Don’t run with abandon. I love you and I love your heart.
Momma
Morning, Mom! The thing I love about life lessons is that as life continues, the opportunity to learn is always there. That is so comforting to me on those days when I feel especially beastly! I echo what Kari said: perhaps, upon reflection, you weren’t the mother then that you are today, but it has been a privilege watching your tremendous growth over the years. I can’t say that I agree with the author of the book; that I should have learned all of the basic life lessons in Kinder (I say this with reserve, as I have not read this book.). I think my title would read, “All I Really Need to Know was Taught to Me in Kindergarten, but I was Only 5, So it Didn’t Stick. Thank God I Got out of There!”. Maybe I’m a late bloomer (gads!), but I think most of my deep learning has come with life experiences. The natural self-centeredness of a Kindergartener is a stage that lasted far to long with me, I’m afraid.
The lessons I hold close that coarse through me daily are ones that I have learned recently! We talked about one over the weekend: everyone comes from somewhere. I have basic needs (emotional, mental) that I want met, but so does everyone else. Eureka! I spend far less time judging others when I remind myself that each person is made uniquely and has been born of a different reality than mine. Being a partner to Jeffrey has taught me that. What a journey he has had!
I thank God for each day that I am given to spend with my loves. I see in their faces the innumerable lessons I have learned being a part of their lives. Compassion, simplicity, relationships…I could go on and on here about what I’ve learned when I really started to think beyond myself. Time I have with family and dear friends (and my knitting needles, garden, or yoga mat…let’s be honest!) has become so incredibly valuable to me. I am compelled to slooooow down against the hurried pace of this culture, let those learned lessons sink in, and open my heart and mind for new ones. It feels good. Love you, Mom!
Great “comment”, Kristin!
She’s my inspiration in so many areas, Jeannie.
We have wonderful conversations that are so meaningful.. Full of love, experience, joy, fears, sadness, reflection and forgiveness. I so blessed to have my children so close to me!