Journey Mercies . . . Leaving Home
Journey Mercies . . . Leaving Home
The thought of leaving home wasn’t something I wanted to think about, nor was it something I figured I would ever have to do. I was 60 years old and had lived in the same house for 28 years. It was my home and I didn’t want to leave it or my family. What was I doing? I was on another journey . . . moving closer to work.
Do you remember the first time you left home – really left home? Were you young, and just moving into your first apartment, excited for your new beginning? Were you accepted into the college of your dreams and getting to move across the nation? Did you enlist in the Military, feeling you wanted to be part of the greater good and then scared to death of what you had just committed to?
Now it seems many more people are making big moves. You can be forced to leave because you’ve lost your job and your home is up-side down. Maybe your adult children are moving back in, or maybe you have made the decision to care for your parents in your home. The “sandwich generation” is more prevalent now than ever before.
Perhaps you now find yourself in a season of life where you are faced with the difficult and most often heartbreaking task of talking to your parents about moving out of their lifelong residence to a place where they will receive better care.
We may move many times in the course of a lifetime, but for our older parents, this can mean not only leaving their physical home, but maybe leaving family and friends. They may be forced to give up their independence by losing their driving privileges. It may mean they are leaving home for good. How then, can we help them transition comfortably and more importantly, with their dignity in tact?
In my comings and goings with healthcare and senior care professionals, I have realized that there are many wonderful resources to help us manage and care for ourselves, as well as our parents. This has given me such an appreciation for those who are in the trenches helping our aging parents live better, live longer, and live with dignity.
Here are three well known resources that are excellent beginnings for finding the right care for your parents:
• The Council on Aging Orange County a non-profit provides Health Insurance Counseling and Advocacy (HICAP) Friendly Visitor programs and training; Case Management for disabled adults and the frail elderly, Ombudsman services, professional education for seniors and those who care for them and many other services.
• The Alzheimer’s Association of Orange County provides a comprehensive suite of programs and services – at no charge – to meet the myriad and evolving needs of people with Alzheimer’s disease and other related illnesses. They are there for the patient, families, caregivers, and the larger community. It’s a remarkable program.
• Age Well Senior Services based in Laguna Woods provides critical programs, services and resources to seniors primarily in South Orange County.
Being 60 and making this move was scary but my daughters were there supporting and encouraging me and we even visited the “active seniors” apartment complex together. It was 620 square feet of what I called “nothing”. They called it “downsizing”. My transition was heartbreaking. I left three of my four children and 7 of my 9 grandchildren when I packed my things. Instead of coming home to a house full of life and laughter, I came home to silence. It was only 40 miles away, but it might as well have been 400. I remember thinking as I sat in my apartment, “ if I don’t call someone, I won’t have another conversation until I get to work in the morning.”
But I survived that transition. In fact, I’m thriving.
For someone who never thought they would live alone, much less make Orange County their permanent residence, I surprised myself by purchasing a home in the Laguna Woods Village, and I’m thrilled. It’s more than I could have imagined, and perfect for this next season of my life.
In the beginning, leaving home was not what I wanted, but it turned out to be just what I needed. It gave me the opportunity to live independently and nurture some wonderful friendships. It also gave me the strength and wisdom to decide exactly what I wanted in a home, how safe I wanted to be, and what activities I could enjoy over the next decade or two. Right now, I’m living my best life!
I’d love to hear your story . . .what season of life are you “moving” into or “leaving”?
• At what stage of your move are you in?
• What do you suppose your conversation might be like with your parent(s)?
• What move brought you or your parent the most joy?
• What move would be the most difficult?
35 Comments
Hi Pat
As I read these blogs and responses, I realize that I am one of the newest “kids” to move into the “O’Connor Family”block! So many of you have such wonderful history and go back so many years with memories and fun times. I look forward to making new friends and being accepted into “the family” here.
I could hardly wait to move out of my parents home when I turned 18 and go off to college. I was SURE that I was NOT going to ever feel homesick! I was ready for a new adventure and new sights! But the longer I was away and the fewer familiar faces I saw – the more that little bit of homesickness entered into my heart and mind. But it was time to move on and establish my own independence. I remember at that time, an older and wiser friend told me that my homesickness would go away when I could say, remember when….and I was telling about an experience that took place in my new location! She was right!
That was the first of MANY MANY moves I have made throughout my life so far….. each one has been a learning experience and allowed me to meet a new me and new friends. Just this past year alone I have been through 3 moves!!! I am loving my newest “home” in South Orange County and the new friends that have welcomed me. I truly believe that “home is where the heart (and love) is” – not the structure you reside in.
Thank you to everyone in the O’Connor family business who have made me feel so welcome in this latest “job move”. I look forward to many good times and caring relationships.
With love,
Sharon
Hi Sharon . . . thanks so much for your comments.
I truly agree that with each step we take away from what is familiar and safe, we actually do find a new “me” inside. And, if we are bold enough, we find that things that stretch and pull us our of our comfort zone, can really be a blessing. I’m always concerned about folks that would be our parents age, having to leave a home they may have been in for 40 or more years. All those memories . . . I try and put myself in their place, but it really is difficult. We are such a transient society now, that we tend to move to suit our job, our finances, our children. Someone who has worked, had children, raised children, sent children off to college and retired, all the while living in the same house. . . I think it would be devastating to have to leave.
Thank you again, and welcome to the family and the neighborhood!
Pat
Patty,
I love your question “What move brought you or your parent the most joy?’ Often that is the move that didn’t happen! What I really mean is, sometimes when a parent is widowed, or falls ill or in need, our response is moving mom or dad near to us. We see this as an opportunity to do the right thing and care for our parents the way they cared for us so many years ago. But first, lets look at the reality. Once mom is now living across the state, or country from her previous home, how much time do we really have to offer her? Out intentions are good, but if an adult child is working full time and grandkids have school and activities, how much time is really left to spend with that parent? Is it quality time or now just doctors visits and chores? Are you still the daughter you hoped to be, or a multi tasking caregiver? Plus, seniors are at a higher risk for depression, and a move on top of another loss can be difficult to cope with. Remember to always assess what support systems your aging parents already have where they are living. Friends and a church that visit? Healthcare professionals who have known them for years? Neighbors who visit in passing, bringing little joys each day? Sometimes all those supports combined are even more important than having a family member nearby. Explore what supplemntal care and support are available in the area your parents live. If it’s an affordable option for your family, consider engaging a professional geriatric care manager to help navigate your path. You can find one at http://www.caremanager.org. You can also reach out to your county Office on Aging. Then, make an informed decision and love on those parents as they loved on us when we were in need! Aging parents can be a challenge, but msotly, they are a gift!
My Best,
Monica
Monica
Thank you so much for your insight and wisdom with regard to our aging parents. Truly, we are a community who needs resources as the “boomers” become caregivers for their parents as well as their children. I have appreciated your depth of knowledge many times before on various levels, but you really have a sense for what folks are up against when the “move” becomes apparent for our seniors. How do we best care for our parents, and not feel guilty because we cannot be there each and everyday. I agree with your perspective on support systems that may already be in place, and the heartbreak the senior may feel as they are moved from what is familiar to a “new” environment. There are so many questions to be answered on so many levels. We need help and your offering of resources is well taken.
I look forward to your comments on my next blog, as well as on the various blogs our staff submits.
All the best . . .
Patty
Great Blog Patty O. Loved reading about your experiences and the responses you received from others.
This is better than watching the Reality programs on TV!
I promise to actually contribute something from my life adventures in the future.
Hugs,
Me
Hi Mare!
Thanks so much for reading my blogs. I’m so glad that I don’t have to compete with the Bachelorette and
the Kardashian’s, and that I’m right up there with National Geographic and PBS!
I look forward to hearing from you on my next post. I know you have many life experiences that we all could benefit from and I’ve been privileged to hear a few of them. So don’t forget to tune in next month for my next post!
All the best,
Patty O’
Mom,
You are indeed living your best life! I can see you working hard at making yourself more accessible to others, and that is such a rare gift given our age of technology and the ease of faceless communication. You have really grown personally as a result of your difficult decisions and ability to navigate life’s winding roads. I can see it! If you’re looking for ways to fill up your next decade (other than by being “Grammy Extraordinaire “, you know I think you could find ways to express your incredible talents of landscaping, toll-painting, and gardening. And don’t forget that REI weekend photography excursion I told you about!
A virtual move is one that I am in. Indeed, when you are a parent of young children, it feels like they are constantly moving and changing, and you have to adapt to that (sometimes with great difficulty!). My girls are almost always challenging the person I am, for the person I strive to be. It can be so rewarding and gratifying, yet also filled with shattered expectations and frustration. I’m trying to ride this journey with grace, as you have.
I know I’m late to the party, Mom. I’ll do better next time!
Love,
Kris
Kristen:
You are exceptional! Someday you will look back on the life you have now and remember the days when just getting your kids from one place to the next was all you could accomplish in a day! We are all leaving home in different ways. Home not only means our physical address, but our emotional and spiritual home as well. Leaving means your headed someplace new. Leaving means a new adventure with wonderful opportunities for growth and renewal. I believe your journey, no matter how life shattering it has been, will be one that we will all look back on and be grateful that you were the chosen one to walk this path. Your patience, tenderness, and perseverance has shown all of us a way to rethink our lives. You are the one who will lead us down a new and different road that will open our hearts and minds to the specialness of children like Sofia. If not for you, I would have never know the joy of her life and how she has touched mine. Infinite love!
I bless you, my daughter . . .
Momma
Pat,
You always amaze me! You blossom in any soil that life provides to you. I love how you have become such a “hero” to so many people who have the opportunity to experience and embrace the “sweet, wonderful you!” Peace Always! Chris
HI Chris:
Thank you for the sweet comments.
I know life’s journey’s take us to places that most of the time, are unknown to us. They may not be in miles, but often times in joy, heartache, anticipation, and sometimes fear. It’s great to share the many experiences we all have. Who knows how you will lift up and support another person?