Journey Mercies . . . Leaving Home
Journey Mercies . . . Leaving Home
The thought of leaving home wasn’t something I wanted to think about, nor was it something I figured I would ever have to do. I was 60 years old and had lived in the same house for 28 years. It was my home and I didn’t want to leave it or my family. What was I doing? I was on another journey . . . moving closer to work.
Do you remember the first time you left home – really left home? Were you young, and just moving into your first apartment, excited for your new beginning? Were you accepted into the college of your dreams and getting to move across the nation? Did you enlist in the Military, feeling you wanted to be part of the greater good and then scared to death of what you had just committed to?
Now it seems many more people are making big moves. You can be forced to leave because you’ve lost your job and your home is up-side down. Maybe your adult children are moving back in, or maybe you have made the decision to care for your parents in your home. The “sandwich generation” is more prevalent now than ever before.
Perhaps you now find yourself in a season of life where you are faced with the difficult and most often heartbreaking task of talking to your parents about moving out of their lifelong residence to a place where they will receive better care.
We may move many times in the course of a lifetime, but for our older parents, this can mean not only leaving their physical home, but maybe leaving family and friends. They may be forced to give up their independence by losing their driving privileges. It may mean they are leaving home for good. How then, can we help them transition comfortably and more importantly, with their dignity in tact?
In my comings and goings with healthcare and senior care professionals, I have realized that there are many wonderful resources to help us manage and care for ourselves, as well as our parents. This has given me such an appreciation for those who are in the trenches helping our aging parents live better, live longer, and live with dignity.
Here are three well known resources that are excellent beginnings for finding the right care for your parents:
• The Council on Aging Orange County a non-profit provides Health Insurance Counseling and Advocacy (HICAP) Friendly Visitor programs and training; Case Management for disabled adults and the frail elderly, Ombudsman services, professional education for seniors and those who care for them and many other services.
• The Alzheimer’s Association of Orange County provides a comprehensive suite of programs and services – at no charge – to meet the myriad and evolving needs of people with Alzheimer’s disease and other related illnesses. They are there for the patient, families, caregivers, and the larger community. It’s a remarkable program.
• Age Well Senior Services based in Laguna Woods provides critical programs, services and resources to seniors primarily in South Orange County.
Being 60 and making this move was scary but my daughters were there supporting and encouraging me and we even visited the “active seniors” apartment complex together. It was 620 square feet of what I called “nothing”. They called it “downsizing”. My transition was heartbreaking. I left three of my four children and 7 of my 9 grandchildren when I packed my things. Instead of coming home to a house full of life and laughter, I came home to silence. It was only 40 miles away, but it might as well have been 400. I remember thinking as I sat in my apartment, “ if I don’t call someone, I won’t have another conversation until I get to work in the morning.”
But I survived that transition. In fact, I’m thriving.
For someone who never thought they would live alone, much less make Orange County their permanent residence, I surprised myself by purchasing a home in the Laguna Woods Village, and I’m thrilled. It’s more than I could have imagined, and perfect for this next season of my life.
In the beginning, leaving home was not what I wanted, but it turned out to be just what I needed. It gave me the opportunity to live independently and nurture some wonderful friendships. It also gave me the strength and wisdom to decide exactly what I wanted in a home, how safe I wanted to be, and what activities I could enjoy over the next decade or two. Right now, I’m living my best life!
I’d love to hear your story . . .what season of life are you “moving” into or “leaving”?
• At what stage of your move are you in?
• What do you suppose your conversation might be like with your parent(s)?
• What move brought you or your parent the most joy?
• What move would be the most difficult?
35 Comments
Pat,
This is such a great post. I went on an emotional roller coaster ride while reading it.
I thought of the excitement of moving to my first apartment when I was twenty-one. It was so fun to have a space I could decorate as I wanted, clean if and when I felt like and stock the fridge with my choices.
I also thought about my Grandma and how difficult the transition was of taking her out of her own home eleven years ago and bringing her to Orange County so she could be in an Assisted Living facility. When people asked her how she liked her apartment she would refer to it as jail. It is very difficult to strip a senior of their independence, however, it was crucial that she move closer to me.
As my mother edges closer to the age of 70 I know the time will be here before I know it to have the difficult conversation and move with her and my stepfather. Fortunately they are both healthy and able to travel now. I do not want to think of the time when that changes.
I love learning about your life through these posts!
Love you,
Lori
Dear Lori
Your story is one that is told a thousand times a day. We are truly in a season of caring for our children, our parents and our grandparents. You, my friend, are a treasure to your family. As a caregiver, you know first hand the struggle you face making sure that your grandmother is well and getting the care she deserves. You know first hand the hurt she felt as she was taken from her home. The anger she has is a secondary response to the heartache she feels. Your wisdom will be so valuable to others as you move through this time in your life. I want you to know that I respect you for what you are doing, and know that you will be able to come along side your mom in that same, gentle way. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I love you MP!!!!!
Pat, this is a great reminder that even if we do leave the place we call home, we can make our new place home as well. I remember moving to Huntington Beach after living in the same house with my parents for 25 years. It was scary & exciting at the same time. It felt so far from my family though it was only 50 miles. Now, my whole family lives in Norther California- an 8 hour drive. But, when I go visit them I feel like I’m at home. When I was facing losing my condo, the thought of moving scared me to death. Being forced to move is not a fun feeling but thankfully, I’m no longer in that position. I do think that one day I will end up in Nor Cal but until then, I’m going to enjoy every day I have in HB. Thank you for your insight! Carrie
Carrie:
We both know that “home” really is where the heart resides! But the getting there is tough sometimes. You are a prime example of how we can transition during tough times and create a new place filled with joy – a place where we can create new memories and new lives. I know you have had to make hard decisions for yourself, but I am proud of the way you have mustarded up the courage to move forward and begin again. Thank you for sharing a small part of your “big picture.” Live Well!
Pat
Pat,
I enjoyed reading about your moves. I knew about them, but seeing it in print brought it all back. All those years of that long, long drive you made to work and just assuming it would always be that way. I was so proud of you when you got your first place in OC, because I knew the “growing independent you” that had emerged to bring you to that point. And then when you bought your place in the Village on your own, I totally knew it was right for you. It was just plain smart! And you made a great choice at a great price.
We have moves and decisions in our future as well. Sooner or later, it will be the right time and we will go with it. I remember planning my move 3 months before I graduated from high school. My situation was not tenable and I knew I had the power to make the change and I did. I got the place, a job lined up and moved out the day after graduation. It was a tiny studio above a kind couple. I walked 2 miles to work in all weather (MI) and I was happy and safe. 3 months later I bought my first car, again totally on my own. It was cool, too. A 1960 black Chevy Impala with the neat fins! Ha!
Later after we married, Lou and I moved to CA in that car with clothes on a roof rack and 3 months worth of food in the trunk with no jobs to come to, just a dream. Lou got a job the second day and we gave most of that survival type food to less fortunate. I have found that moves stretch you, reshape your dreams and goals, which can become stagnant and create reasons for a lot of action, paring down to the basics, and starting fresh… Every single one of these could become a blog in itself! I love reading about your seasons. Thank you for sharing them. Love you.
My dear friend, Annie
We’ve come a long way, baby, both here at work and in our relationship. We’ve watched each other struggle and celebrated when something great happened. We’ve had great talks and great moments of prayer. We have had many “mirror” life stories to share, and for that I am so grateful.
Thank you for your perspective on my moves, but more than that, thanks so much for sharing your own story. Isn’t it great when we are given the opportunity to grow, even when we feel we are exactly where we need to be? Who would have thought that I would be here permanently? I sure didn’t a few short months ago. But life is changing, and I’m thrilled for the opportunities it offers. I’m no longer afraid of new beginnings or new adventures. In fact, I’m really looking forward to this new season of my life. I know that there will be moments when I will wonder if leaving home again was a wise move, but my future looks bright . . and I’m moving toward it with great abandon!
Thank you so much for your friendship and your insight. You are a gift!
Pat
Pat,
Thank you for sharing your journey. You are a strong woman and I am blessed to work with you. You give everyone around you the strength and encouragement to go forward with their life and enjoy every moment. Thank you again for your blog.
Shayna
Shayna
Thank you so much for responding. Our strength as women comes from within us, and more so as we age. Your journey is just beginning and I’m excited for you. Keep your heart, mind and soul open to all life has to offer and learn from others. You will see how much it helps!
Keep moving forward!
Pat