Grief A Year Later … What Helped & What Didn’t
I write in a journal to Lou (my husband) since he has been gone and it has been very therapeutic. When he was alive we talked all the time about everything. I’ve found that writing to him has helped appease that need for conversation, so I write.
When you experience a death of someone very close, your whole life changes. So much in the day-to-day was incredibly painful. Slowly, I found ways of dealing with challenges that started to help. I think many people experience the changes I faced …
Here are some things I allowed to get me down at first, and a few things I found helpful:
6 Things That Got Me Down:
1. Being alone too much: To suddenly be alone at 67 years old took time to adapt. At first I hated it and went around in a fog. Now after a year, it is getting better, more enjoyable and allows me to accomplish things.
2. Meals alone: My friend insisted I come for dinner several nights a week for the first few months. What a blessing! I helped with groceries and did dishes and it was great.
3. What to do with weekends?: Working the week with all my emotions stuffed often made the weekend not much more than a time of tears. I was kind to myself and accepted the pain, and it has gradually diminished.
4. Making all the decisions: The cars broke down, the computer crashed, the printer died, the wiring to the electronics went bad, the roof in Michigan leaked, I forgot to pay bills, one of the dogs died, and on and on. How to handle it all???
5. Not enough sleep: I dreaded going to bed, then couldn’t sleep. Too little sleep made my emotions worse.
6. Too much to do and only me to do it: At first I did not accomplish much. Now I make lists and do at least one thing a day.
10 Things That Have Helped:
1. Journaling: Writing out my concerns to Lou and then sleeping on it helped me come to the answers I needed often right when I woke up.
2. Prayer: I look to God to heal my heart and to give me purpose. Things that are too much for me, I give to Him in prayer.
3. Walking: Making myself go for a walk with the dogs clears my brain. Often it seemed to be a safe place to cry and talk to Lou while I walked and came back refreshed.
4. Accepting all invitations at first. I took every opportunity to socialize and be with others. Even if I didn’t feel much like talking, I absorbed the liveliness around me and it lifted my spirits.
5. Remembering to eat: When I forgot to eat or ate poorly I felt worse. When I ate more nutritiously: salads, vegetables, meat and fruit, I coped better.
6. Music or Television. Background noise comforts. Unless I am reading, praying or meditating, I usually have music going.
7. Spending time with family: My daughter is very thoughtful to plan family time that includes me. This grounds me and helps me realize I still have a family.
8. Have a goal: I decided to attack the lofty goal of paying off the mortgage. It is daunting, but I put every extra dollar towards it and it gives me purpose and direction and keeps me from overspending.
9. Hugs, human touch: When I needed a hug, I gave a hug. When I needed to hear “I love you”, I said it to a family member or someone I was close to.
10. Remember: I have allowed myself to remember. I have embraced the pain. I stood out in the dark beneath every “Annie’s Moon” for the past year and probably always will. I watch the videos Lou left me. His chair is still on the sidewalk. I still go to Dana Point when I can and sit on our bench with our dog Bella. We even celebrated his birthday last month with a party.
I’ve decided that grief over losing your spouse is like trying to recover from something you don’t totally want to get over.
You want to feel better, but not if it means losing any of the memory. You have to do positive things, mindful, productive things to move into a healthier place. You have to want to become useful again to yourself and others.
And yet, since Lou’s “Babe” is who I was for 73% of my life, it will never be something I can forget or lose. So I try things, see what does and what doesn’t work. I mostly try to be kind to myself. The one thing Lou said repeatedly in the short videos he left was: “Be Happy! Do it for me, Babe”
So, that is what I am trying to do.
|| what do you think?
Can you relate to any of these good or bad?
Has your journey differed from mine? What has it looked like for you?
48 Comments
HI Anne –
As you know I have not walked the path you are walking right now. I do believe you have offered a lot of insights to anyone regardless of what path they are on. Your experience and wisdom is sound advise for all. Many times we get lost in life and forget to take care of our own needs. We can only give what we have to give, and if we have zero energy or positive vibes that will reflect in our relationships. I have been making an effort to be mindful that I have only one body, mind a soul to nurture. Our journeys are different yet the advise is the same. Thank you for sharing your life with me! XOXO
Hi Neil,
You are on a path of building… Building a business,
building your family, building a son’s future, mentally, spiritually,
emotionally, financially. I am on a path of giving back, reflecting,
sharing, mentoring, shaping, nurturing. And first of course, is
figuring out how to heal the broken parts as completely as possible in
the process.
I am becoming thankful again. That is the best part.
Love
Annie
This is great information to share with other people and help them along there journey. I believe we are, by nature, social beings and need to sustain ourselves when we are with others. And, this requires the ability to trust and create relationships with other people.
Tom,
You are so right. We can’t be BFF’s with everyone. Not everyone will be faithful to that. Yet, surrounded by a few who are real, who care, who honor what we share and hold it holy, is the best and most we can ask from this world. I wish that for each person I know.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for your thoughts.
Anne,
Thank you for helping me deal with my new grief. Having walked it yourself not too long ago. Your words of encouragement, words of wisdom and permission to grieve has been so very helpful.
I admire you for your hope and ability to keep your love with Lou alive. He truly is your soul mate. I will continue to look to you for support as my journey takes on new turns.
Thank you for reaching out to my mom. I hope you can be a support for one another.
Love you,
Amy
Amy,
The biggest thing that will help is just what you said…Giving yourself permission to grieve and the quiet time and space to feel it, let it wash over you and drown you. It won’t last. Then you will be fine for awhile. To deny it or ignore it will damage you.
I hope I can be a friend to your mom right now. I liked her. I think we understand one another. She can call me any time and I will check on her once in awhile myself.
Love
Anne
Annie,
You touch my heart in so many ways. Thank you so much for for sharing this part of your heart and soul. I admire you, and appreciate you. You and Lou have been such an inspiration of hope to me.
Prayers, love & hugs!
kari
Kari,
Hope is huge. There is a scripture that says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick”. I have often thought about that. We want what we believe to be good and right, and we want it now! Deferred hope has a lot to do with faith and trust.
Love you back
Annie
Anne,
Having shared in your journey of love and loss, I am so pleased that you continue to remain so full of hope and a willingness to participate in life without Lou. The journey is continuous. The experiences available for us to experience are only as limited as our perceived limitations. I say live life fully. Breathe in the sweet fragrances. Taste the delicate flavors. Touch the mysterious. See the possibilities. We have wonderful lives. Let’s live it!
Chris,
I truly am trying to live my life in the now. Of course my love and desire for what I had with Lou pulls me back. Yet, I am thankful also for today, for what tomorrow may bring, the blessings, the growth, the friendships, the new experiences and opportunities. I don’t want to limit myself. I don’t want to limit God in my life. It is a challenge, that’s for sure.