My Grandpa Died Yesterday: When Christmas is a Blur
Some of us have been dreading Christmas this year.
Seeing the happy commercials on television, hearing people talk about holiday parties and gift shopping has felt empty and foreign. It’s as though the world is spinning around you as you stand still.
There’s the temptation and perhaps the need to put on a face as you see certain people or go to different events, but nothing can budge the grief you are feeling or the dread as Christmas stands immovable, like some strange monument, to remind you, as if you could forget, that you’re without your loved one this year.
I remember the Christmas that spun around me without my participation. My grandpa had been dying of cancer for months, chemotherapy treatments, emergency brain surgery, and marijuana pills for the pain had all led to the night of December 22nd when, with my grandma, aunts & parents, we sat around grandpa’s hospital bed at home and talked about Christmases from the past. I massaged his head, he couldn’t speak, open his eyes, or communicate with us but there was still that sense of him hearing what we said. It was a wonderful night.
We went home late, I was getting ready for bed just after midnight when my dad got the call that my grandpa had died. My grandpa had waited. He listened to all our stories, enjoyed that last night with us, and after we left and my aunts & grandma were in bed, he passed away while Silent Night played softly.
“All is calm, all is bright.”
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/bitterfly
It didn’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel that way 7 years later. I felt so guilty last year when I realized that I had gone 6 years without seeing my grandpa and that I was “ok” – how could I be ok without him for 6 years? While the truth is that I’ve made it 7 years now without him, and live a healthy and normal life, I am not “over” my loss of him. I cry every Christmas and other times besides when I think of him and horror of the cancer and the beauty of his last night.
Here’s what I want you to know as someone grieving during the holidays:
– This Christmas is going to be really hard. There is nothing that is going to take away how much you miss someone, how much you want them home with you for Christmas. Nothing can fix that and yet SO many people will tell you that there is a fix; that time, love, or family will fix it – they’re wrong. This is going to be hard, and I want you to know that I’m so sorry that it is.
– Say “No” to guilt. If you want to be around people on Christmas but feel guilty, say no to the guilt. If you want to be alone or want to have a few hours in the morning of remembering & crying, do that.
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/JeanValley
– Create or Honor a Tradition. If your loved one had something special that they did for the holidays, do it to honor them. If you always went and saw a movie on Christmas Eve, do it and maybe save them a seat. If they loved eggnog, have an eggnog toast in their honor.
This year, to honor my grandfather, I wrote this blog. What could you do?
– Reach out to others missing your loved one. It’s never you alone that’s sad, although your loss is unique, there are others missing your loved one as well. If you acknowledge it together, it’s a good thing. So do something that commemorates your loved one and allows your family and friends who are also mourning to join you.
If you are experiencing this holiday season with that empty chair, remember that it’s ok to focus on the empty chair. Don’t let guilt cloud your mind, be honest with yourself about how you are feeling, about what you need, and about the dread or discomfort you may feel at Christmas this year.
Please know that you are in our hearts this Christmas, that we care about you and we want your grief to be acknowledged for the significant pain and journey that it is.
We also want to honor your loved one. If you would please tell us about who you are missing this Christmas, we’d love to know about them. It doesn’t matter if they passed away this year or 20 years ago, they were special and wonderful and we’d love to hear their story.
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/bitterfly
In Memory of James E. Turner
June 28, 1932 – December 23, 2006
35 Comments
Molly,
It’s been 16 years since I lost my Papaw when I was at the age of 17. He always held the spirit of Christmas. I mean, Santa Claus “George” was his best friend… and out lived him. (I called him later as an adult just to let him know how much I remembered him in my young years. For some reason, this Christmas season is hitting me just has hard as it did the year I lost him. I know I will see him again one day and that is what gives me hope. But this year, I am struggling trying to keep the Christmas spirit alive like he did. I want too, just for my own kids. I grew up where we wear decorating the house for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving and yet this year I dread getting the tree out and would be just find if I didn’t have to.
Christmas is like 9 days away, and my grandpa caught covid. He is most likely going to die on christmas or a couple days after that. My whole lofe will be shaken on that. He wasnt retired and still worked. He had to pay for the house my grandmother and him live in. If my grandma has to live with me and my mom, it would be a disaster. They hate each other. I feel like killing myself and Christmas is ruined
Molly,
I know this is from a couple years ago, but it helped me today. My sister passed away this past February. It has been a really tough year to get through. It was sudden and kind of expected at the same time. She lead a hard life, so it was something we always feared. Just wished with everything in our souls would never happen. And now it’s Christmas, the happiest time of year, and I’m missing my sister. There isn’t a single thing that can bring someone back and that is the hardest thing to accept. They will never be here to share in the joy of watching her kids grow up to be amazing young people. Or to spend another holiday with us. But I can say, she is not in turmoil any longer, she doesn’t have to fight an inner battle that no one could help her with. I just miss her. Her name was Kathryn Elizabeth.
Rebecca
Rebecca,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.
I am so sorry for the death of your sister Kathryn Elizabeth. You made it through Christmas somehow but now you are facing the year anniversary of losing her. These milestones can feel like they are all clustered together and like it’s just a gauntlet of painful days to get through.
As I read your comment I could feel some of the sorrow, numbness, and pain you are experiencing in your grief. I noticed that you began to twist your grief into a viewpoint that offered some solace or, even hope. You mention the “amazing” children that your sister is missing – there is so much heartbreak in that sentence, but there is also a legacy.
I want you to know that I am feeling for you and thinking of you as January comes to a close and this February ushers you into your second year without her. No doubt, this year will bring new ways for you to both grieve and cherish her memory.
Again, thank you so much for sharing with me and please, continue to correspond whenever you feel like it. It is my treasure and privilege to learn from people like you.
Sincerely, Molly
[…] Join Molly from O’Connor’s Mortuary in ” saying “no” to guilt and allow ourselves the freedom of feeling what hits us when it hits us.” (check out her post My Grandpa Died Yesterday: When Christmas is a Blur). […]
Molly, this was a beautiful blog to honor your grandfather. He would be so proud of you!!! Christmas is a hard time when you have lost someone close to you, it is a weird time as well. Christmas has always been a happy time but when you have lost someone dear you learn how the holidays are just different, yes you still celebrate with the loved ones that are with you but as you said, you are missing the ones who have passed. About 10 ish years ago I lost my uncle to lung cancer that metastasized to the brain. I was very young and my parents protected me from going to the funeral. I still miss him visiting from Pittsburgh and giving me his bear hugs. Then a few years ago I lost my other uncle. He was shot and killed. This death I understood more and also was at the funeral. My uncle would always come out for the holidays or around the holidays and now since he is not here it is still so weird. Thank you for this amazing blog!!!
Wow Shayna, those are really tough losses. I’m so sorry that you lost your uncles so young and so tragically. It is definitely times of tradition and gathering that most sharply bring those feelings of missing them & re-awakens our grief. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a Christmas where I don’t have just one evening where I cry for a bit & think of my grandfather. It doesn’t lessen my Christmas spirit but it lets my soul move through the rest of the festivities with relief & perspective.
Thanks for reading Shayna!