My Grandpa Died Yesterday: When Christmas is a Blur
Some of us have been dreading Christmas this year.
Seeing the happy commercials on television, hearing people talk about holiday parties and gift shopping has felt empty and foreign. It’s as though the world is spinning around you as you stand still.
There’s the temptation and perhaps the need to put on a face as you see certain people or go to different events, but nothing can budge the grief you are feeling or the dread as Christmas stands immovable, like some strange monument, to remind you, as if you could forget, that you’re without your loved one this year.
I remember the Christmas that spun around me without my participation. My grandpa had been dying of cancer for months, chemotherapy treatments, emergency brain surgery, and marijuana pills for the pain had all led to the night of December 22nd when, with my grandma, aunts & parents, we sat around grandpa’s hospital bed at home and talked about Christmases from the past. I massaged his head, he couldn’t speak, open his eyes, or communicate with us but there was still that sense of him hearing what we said. It was a wonderful night.
We went home late, I was getting ready for bed just after midnight when my dad got the call that my grandpa had died. My grandpa had waited. He listened to all our stories, enjoyed that last night with us, and after we left and my aunts & grandma were in bed, he passed away while Silent Night played softly.
“All is calm, all is bright.”
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/bitterfly
It didn’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel that way 7 years later. I felt so guilty last year when I realized that I had gone 6 years without seeing my grandpa and that I was “ok” – how could I be ok without him for 6 years? While the truth is that I’ve made it 7 years now without him, and live a healthy and normal life, I am not “over” my loss of him. I cry every Christmas and other times besides when I think of him and horror of the cancer and the beauty of his last night.
Here’s what I want you to know as someone grieving during the holidays:
– This Christmas is going to be really hard. There is nothing that is going to take away how much you miss someone, how much you want them home with you for Christmas. Nothing can fix that and yet SO many people will tell you that there is a fix; that time, love, or family will fix it – they’re wrong. This is going to be hard, and I want you to know that I’m so sorry that it is.
– Say “No” to guilt. If you want to be around people on Christmas but feel guilty, say no to the guilt. If you want to be alone or want to have a few hours in the morning of remembering & crying, do that.
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/JeanValley
– Create or Honor a Tradition. If your loved one had something special that they did for the holidays, do it to honor them. If you always went and saw a movie on Christmas Eve, do it and maybe save them a seat. If they loved eggnog, have an eggnog toast in their honor.
This year, to honor my grandfather, I wrote this blog. What could you do?
– Reach out to others missing your loved one. It’s never you alone that’s sad, although your loss is unique, there are others missing your loved one as well. If you acknowledge it together, it’s a good thing. So do something that commemorates your loved one and allows your family and friends who are also mourning to join you.
If you are experiencing this holiday season with that empty chair, remember that it’s ok to focus on the empty chair. Don’t let guilt cloud your mind, be honest with yourself about how you are feeling, about what you need, and about the dread or discomfort you may feel at Christmas this year.
Please know that you are in our hearts this Christmas, that we care about you and we want your grief to be acknowledged for the significant pain and journey that it is.
We also want to honor your loved one. If you would please tell us about who you are missing this Christmas, we’d love to know about them. It doesn’t matter if they passed away this year or 20 years ago, they were special and wonderful and we’d love to hear their story.
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/bitterfly
In Memory of James E. Turner
June 28, 1932 – December 23, 2006
35 Comments
Great blog Molly, it is important to acknowledge the elephant in the room. My grandparents on my mom’s side are both in their 90’s and every year it feels like everyone is thinking “this may be their last year” and we take special note to take lots of pictures and share special memories. I know there will be a first Christmas without them in the future but I am glad that every one we have had for the last few years had been special for them and will always have lots of fun pictures and Christmas memories to help me through the holidays when they are gone.
Yes, those pictures and memories are so important. As my grandpa got sicker family & friends began traveling in to see him & take pictures with him. Even though he looked so sick & not like himself, I’m glad to have those pictures of him.
I’m so sorry that you are feeling that anxiety and fear of losing your grandparents, it’s such a difficult place to be. I hope this was not your last Christmas with them, but that if it was, there would be comfort in having it be a very special and full time. Thank you for sharing Jenn.
Hey there Molly
I had a similar experience with a dear friend of mine. She hadn’t passed around christmas, but my best buds and I spent about 5-6 hours at the hospital before we went home. She then passed about an hour later. This person had spent about 6 years taking care of my two best friends and I, and I like to think the last thing she wanted was to “take care” of us by letting us rest and take the gentle news of her passing the next day. The time spent at the hospital gave us closure, and the soft words of my friends mom the next morning gave us comfort. Thank you for sharing this very real and very personal experience.
Love,
Michael
Michael,
I’d love to hear more about your experience, it sounds like it was very powerful. There certainly is something to the waiting that the dying do, how they can linger on for us, or for themselves, and finally release after we’ve said our goodbye’s and given them permission.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, I look forward to asking you more about it.
Molly
Molly, what a beautiful blog, and so true. I like the second paragraph, I can identify a lot with that. There is a sense of dread that Christmas is here, even though it is supposed to be a happy time, it feels more like a reminder that someone is not here anymore. It seems even more evident during these times, it’s almost like “let’s just get this Christmas thing over with” even though I am excited to spend it with my family who is still here. I know that we will all be trying to put on our happy faces but there will come a time in the day when each one of us is breaking down either outwardly or on the inside, and even though I know it is healthy to do that I kind of dread it. I also can relate to your story about your grandfather, my grandmother died in 2005 and it still seems weird that so much time has passed without her and I’ve made it through all of these years just fine. That does come with a sense of guilt. But I think the most important thing is to remember the ones we’ve lost and to know that they are still with us, somehow, in spirit or in memory and that they live on as long as we keep them in our hearts.
Shasta,
I didn’t know about your grandmother, it’s nice to hear that I’m not alone in those thoughts or feelings – you do tend to feel a little crazy at times, especially if no one else you know has experienced something like that.
I sincerely hope your Christmas was wonderful, that the sense of having to “get through it” was eased and dissipated as you gathered with all your siblings & family.
We need to talk more! That’s what I’m taking away from this. Thank you for sharing your side, your thoughts & feelings. They are so resonating and important. I really value your insight. Thank you!
Molly
Thank you for sharing your feelings about your grandpa. I haven’t gone through anything like that. All my relatives live back east. I am dreading the day that i do go through those experiences. Try to have a merry christmas and remember your grandpa fondly.
Thank you so much Mitch. As awful as his death was, it’s an experience I really treasure – it was just indescribable and something I feel privileged to at least have helped him with. Dying is such an odd thing. We should dread these things, but we can also find so much power and profound meaning in them.
Thank you for your wishes!
Thanks Neil,
I see him doing the same thing, so wonderful & cool. My brother as well, the Turner men are natural teachers. Love them all.
Merry Christmas!