So, I Went to a Death Conference …
2 weeks ago I found myself on an early flight out of John Wayne with a final destination of Baltimore, MD.
“Why are you flying to Baltimore?” the nice lady next to me in 26E asked.
“I’m going to a conference.”
“Oh, what kind of conference?”
(sigh) “Well, it’s a Death Conference, I mean a conference on death, it’s death education to be specific.”
“Oh,” she replied, “that’s interesting.” She pointed out Annapolis to me and a few bridges she didn’t know the names of and said no more. Death always kills a conversation.
Thankfully, death doesn’t kill conversations when you’re with a bunch of people who are specializing, studying, measuring and passionate about death. And so I arrived at the Association of Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) conference and found friends, people who didn’t cringe when I said I was from a funeral home, people united with me in our mutual interest and unique purpose.
It would be impossible to convey the amount of information and education that permeated our 3 days so I’ve compiled some of my favorite quotes and take-aways from the conference sessions, I hope you find something inspiring & new (and will feel like it’s ok to carry on conversations with people who go to death conferences):
“We are wired for attachment in a world of impermanence.”
– Robert Neimeyer, PhD from his speech accepting the “Life Time Achievement Award”
*To hear some of the brilliance of Dr. Neimeyer (one of the few people I’ve found who wastes absolutely no words) click here – it’s amazing!
“It is easier to care for your feet if you put slippers on rather than striving to carpet the earth.”
– Robert Wicks, PsyD from his keynote speech: Riding the Dragon: Strengthening the Inner Life of the Caregiver
“Society treats grief like the flu but losses are actually transformational – they change us. It’s not that loss is a burden we can set down, it is a strengthening of our back.”
– John Jordan, PhD from the session: Our Work, Ourselves, Reflecting On Our Own Losses as Thanatologists
“When we are talking to others we are always making decisions about what parts of ourselves we can reveal to them … You may want to share with some and not share with others. you will want to share [your grief story] the most with those whose stories intersect.”
– Phyllis Kosminsky, PhD, FT from the session: Our Work, Ourselves, Reflecting On Our Own Losses as Thanatologists
“No one needs to be the prisoner of his own biography.”
– Robert Neimeyer, PhD from the session: Our Work, Ourselves, Reflecting On Our Own Losses as Thanatologists
“Death is not always the most profound of losses for some people … lack of grief in non-death losses has resulted in this group of people having a lower rate of seeking help vs. death loss grievers.”
“When defining loss we should be listening to what people are telling us they are grieving, not just what we have traditionally associated with grief.”
– Mary Alice Varga from the session: Research that Matters 2014: Non-Death Losses
and probably my favorite quote or simile from the conference,
“Death is like taking off a tight shoe.”
– Rebecca Brown, MDiv, CT from the session: Don’t Mean To Dwell On This Dying Thing
*And yes, for you Dave Matthews fans out there the title of her talk comes from his song “Pig”. Rebecca was absolutely phenomenal, she works with teenagers who are sick and dying and does wonderful work with Streetlight to hear this amazing 20 minute talk on TED Talks, click here.
I hope you found these extraordinary quotes/thoughts interesting and I also hope that perhaps they tapped something inside of you, a thought or feeling you’ve had for a long time but couldn’t put into words.
Please, share your thoughts in the comments below – I’d love to know what these bring out in you.
|| what do you think?
Does one of these quotes in particular strike you?
Has your impression of a “Death Conference” changed after reading this?
Will you be joining us next year in San Antonio, TX for ADEC 2015?? ; )
52 Comments
Thank you, Molly, for sharing the information you gleaned from the death event. The perpetuation of our species is based on social activity.
Thank you, Tom. I suppose it is though I had never thought of it that way. Rather ironic that our social activity and subsequent perpetuation was, in this instance, focused on death.
Thanks for sharing,
Molly
Molly,
What a wonderful experience this conference was for you. It is such a proud moment for me to see you continue to spread your wings and expand your role.
If I ever left my, soon to be, 2 mile radius, I might consider stowing away with you next year also.
In the meantime, the quote that hit me the most is –
“When we are talking to others we are always making decisions about what parts of ourselves we can reveal to them … You may want to share with some and not share with others. you will want to share [your grief story] the most with those whose stories intersect.”
– Phyllis Kosminsky,
I find this extremely helpful when speaking or meeting with families. It is knowing when and if there is a right time to share with them so they know I can relate to them in order to connect.
Another great post!
Lori
Lori,
I LOVE that quote. There are some things that we know and have sensed but never, ever put into words. This is one of them for me and I found it so valuable to just consciously be considering as I speak with others, “am I safe?” – I’ve never done that before but I know that it will help me to share more appropriately and grow the right relationships.
Thank you for sharing & picking that quote – I just love it for you : )
Molly
Molly,
Great information. I feel the same way, when people say oh where do you work and you answer O’Connor Mortuary. You either get someone really excited to talk to you or someone that wants nothing to do with you.
This is all very great and helpful information. Thanks for sharing
Amy
Thank you, Amy. I’m glad you found the quotes helpful. Hopefully, someday we’ll figure out ways of talking about our jobs that helps everyone to feel an interest and pull to ask more questions. I’ll let you know if I ever figure it out!
Molly
Molly,
Thank you thank you thank you for sharing!!
I was so curious about your trip, and seeing the Rebecca Brown video, WOW!!
I hope we can go to lunch and talk more about what you learned.
kari
Kari,
I can’t tell you how much I would love that! Wasn’t she amazing? She just blew my mind with her compassion, creativity and insight.
So glad you enjoy the video!
Molly
Hi Molly,
Thanks for sharing your experiences and some of your favorite quotes from ADEC. It sounds like it was a great week for you.
I could particularly relate to John Jordan’s quote: “Society treats grief like the flu but losses are actually transformational – they change us. It’s not that loss is a burden we can set down, it is a strengthening of our back.”
We observe first hand how death can be transformational both positively and negatively. The positive works of the celebrants we refer for services and how transformational the service can be on the families grief journey are immeasurable.
Regards,
Fitz
That is such a powerful quote and I think it helps us see grief for what it really is – a burden that stays with us an diminishes in it’s perceived weight as we grow stronger and more accustomed to it.
Celebrants help in that process so dramatically as do all of the elements of service that we strive to give our families – thanks for sharing your insight Fitz!
Molly