We all have dates that changed our lives. This is mine.
August 2, 2000 – We all have dates that changed our lives. This is mine.
My mother, brother, and I were pulling in the driveway from the grocery store, when my grandmother, Aunt, and Uncle came walking up.
Every one of them had a look of pain in their face, and my grandmother’s eyes were red and swollen. I remember my grandmother asking to speak with my mom in private. So my brother and I stayed and put the groceries away. I vividly remember looking at my brother, who was only 7 at the time, and saying this is not good, someone has died. I then proceeded to mention names grandpa, great grandma, and our other grandparents. Never once did it cross my mind my father and uncle would be the victims. After what seemed like forever, but in actuality maybe 10-15 minutes, my mother and grandmother stepped back into the garage and as delicately as they could told my brother and I there had been an accident with dad and they weren’t sure how bad it was, but that we needed to leave now and head to Barstow. My heart sank, and I immediately felt tears stream down my face. I was not expecting to hear “dad” come out of their mouths. My brother and I silently did as we were told and got in our van with my family. For two hours everyone sat silent. My head was racing with thoughts, “Are we going to the hospital? What kind of shape is dad in?” and so many others.
It was dark when we arrived. We were in the middle of the desert, when my aunt met us at the door. She didn’t even wait a minute before she blurted out, “they didn’t make it, they didn’t make it.”
My jaw hit the floor; I was in a complete state of shock. No movement or sound came from the van. When I couldn’t take it anymore I got out and went and lay in the dirt staring at the stars. At 12 years old I remember looking into the sky in the middle of the desert asking God why? Why did you have to do this?
My mother was incapable of making the arrangements so my father’s mother stepped in. She went to O’Connor Mortuary. Being only 12 years old, my mother chose to keep me out of the arrangements. She had no idea how much that exclusion would impact the path of my life.
I sat quietly letting the process take place until I found out that we would not be attending the viewing of my father and uncle. My mother said that she could not bring herself to view, and presumed the same for me without ever asking what I wanted. I knew I needed to see them both in order to process that they would not be coming home. But trying to get my mother to understand my point of view was very hard.
A counselor my mom was seeing helped my mother to change her mind. Although she was still insistent upon not viewing herself, saying that, “the image of my father would forever be engrained in my head.”
But I knew that for myself, viewing was the only way I could start grieving properly.
I saw both my father and uncle, and still maintain that was the best decision for myself. I knew I needed to see the proof, and that hearing they were gone, was not enough. I in no way shape or form regret my decision, and when I close my eyes, I do not see an image of them lying there.
I am able to remember all the great times we had together, and that is what gets me through the difficult days.
I believe fate and a true passion to help grieving families, has circled me back to O’Connor Mortuary. I have said this all along, and still maintain, O’Connor feels like home. I now work here as a Service Assistant, helping families through their viewings & ceremonies. Getting to help people in what I know to be the worst days of their lives is how I honor my dad & uncle. This is where I’m supposed to be. I feel truly blessed to be working here, getting to do what I love everyday.
What has your experience with Viewing been?
Would you choose to view your loved one like me or make the choice not to?
Why or why not?
44 Comments
Erin
Thank you so much for sharing with us more about your life and journey. I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad and uncle, but know that it has all contributed to the great woman that you are today. I’m so glad you found your way back to O’Connor Mortuary to pay forward what was done for your family in your time of need. I know that everything happens for a reason – even if we don’t ever know the reason in this life. One day we will see the bigger picture and how our strength grew as a result (or blessing) from our challenges and losses.
I’m so glad that I get to rub shoulders with you here at O’Connor for a few more months.
Sincerely,
Sharon
Thank you Sharon for your kind words. I’ve enjoyed immensely the chance to
get to know you. I hope we can work together on a few more luncheons soon!
Erin,
I was so moved reading your blog. Thank you for having the strength to share such a deeply personal experience. I know by sharing your story you will help many people who struggle with “should I or shouldn’t I allow my children to view and be a part of the ceremony.” When my brother died, we had the privilege of being with him at the hospital when they took him off life support. Although it was the most painful moment of my life, I cannot imagine not having that opportunity to be with him and say my final goodbyes.
I am so glad you are a part of the team here at O’Connor. You have a true gift and you will be a blessing to families you serve.
Becky
Thank you for sharing Becky. I commend you on being both incredibly brave and strong. Being with your loved one at their last moments are truly special. I am so glad you had the opportunity to say your final good byes.
Erin,
What a beautiful way to frame the tragic loss that you were given and have, beyond your years, used to improve the purpose of your own life.
How wise you were at the age of 12 to know the value of family viewing. You knew even then that your heart could not accept this fact until your mind had validated it. The tragedy would have been so magnified if you had not had the opportunity. The tragedy would have never left you in a manner in which you could have dealt with it so properly. Instead of growth, you might have felt hollowness, incompleteness and bitterness.
I was also fortunate when my time came when each of my parents passed to have this moment of acceptance. I had a simple, quiet I.D. viewing alone, but for me it was enough. It was enough. It was enough in the way for me to accept that these people were gone and to be able to say “yes” to my memories of them and what their lives were, both the good and the not so good. To be able to accept the lessons of life that I needed to internalize in order to make my own life ever more meaningful.
Simply just to make sense of it.
You have made our lives more meaningful with your sharing.
You are a step above so many others that have not learned this lesson…and…look at you…you have so many years ahead in which to share it!
Good Luck!
Greg
Thank you Greg. I’m glad you had the experience of viewing both your parents. Whether it is a simple viewing or not, I believe you just need that final alone time with your loved one to pay your final respects.
Erin,
I was so touched by your blog. You are truly an amazing person and so wise beyond your years. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thank you for choosing to follow your heart and work with us. We are so lucky to have you as part of our team and in our lives. Viewing and ceremony are the key components to a healthy grief journey. Your experience and wisdom will be invaluable to those you serve and shepherd through your day. Your future is so bright and I look forward being part your continual growth and development.
Fitz
Thank you Fitz! I truly am blessed to be working here. I look forward to learning as much as possible and being the shepherd a family needs.
Erin –
Life is such an amazing journey! I am so touched that you have joined our family, who could have believed this would be your path. I am so sorry for the death of you father and uncle. LIfe is very painful & unfair at times. Your intuition guided you to see both your dad & your uncle, I am glad you had the boldness to listen to your guiding light. I am so proud of you, you could have denied your self the opportunity to not view your father & uncle. I truly believe you are here at O’Connor Mortuary for a significant purpose, this is not by chance. You have already made a tremendous impact on the families we serve and our teammates. In time you will be able to guide others by your life’s experience and your wisdom.
I do believe in viewing, it has helped me in my grief.
Every time I have attended a viewing, I was grateful for the opportunity to say goodbye and support the rest of the friends & family who are grieving. We are communal people, we where not designed to walk this journey alone.
Thank you for being you! I am damn proud to be in YOUR life!XOXO
Thank you for the kind and encouraging words Neil. I strongly believe everything in life happens for a reason, and from this tragedy I have found my calling in life. I am extremely grateful to be working here at O’Connor’s and I am eager to see what the future holds. Thank you again for all your support and direction!!