“This is How We Die”: A Morning with a Hospice Nurse
On Tuesday morning all I knew was that I was setting up an O’Connor table at the Heartland Hospice event that we were co-hosting. I got the table cloth & brochures all set out, greeted the attendees, and sat down in the back intending to “work” on my computer when the speaker, Barbara Karnes, a hospice nurse of 32 years, began speaking.
She said, “I don’t want to pretend that this is all Truth with a Capitol T.
This is MY experience.
Dying is the hardest thing we live through.”
(and you do live through it, that is, until you die)
That got my attention. I had the privilege of sitting for the next two hours hearing the stories and wisdom of this nurse. I typed out as much as I could of what she said, filling up 4 pages of notes and still not capturing all the information. –
Here are some of the incredible insights she gave me about death that Tuesday morning:
“We don’t die like the movies” – She mentioned scenes in movies where the dying person looks beautiful and radiant, perhaps they’re imparting some incredible words of wisdom that wrap up the whole story perfectly and then, they die . . . “This is not how people die,” she said. When people are dying of disease or cancer, the kind of people she gets to work with on hospice. “They don’t have the energy to speak, and if they are speaking, you probably can’t hear or understand what they are saying.”
“If they are a controlling person, they will control how and when they die” – She said that protective spouses or parents want to spare their loved ones from being there when they die. They will wait until they are alone to let go. She also said that if they want you there when they are going to die, then that is what will happen.
“No one dies alone” – Barbara said that all her years of experience have convinced her that we are ushered into the “other world” by the loved ones that have gone before them. She recounted the story of a 23 year old girl she was caring for whose brother died 3 weeks before she eventually would. The family chose not to tell her about his passing but shortly afterward all she could talk about was “Jim, Jim, Jim,” her brother. Her boyfriend thought she was confused, but then she looked at him and said, “No, I know who you are, Jim is here and says he’s going to take care of me.” Barbara recounted other stories like this, I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a dry eye in that room.
“Dying is always, always sad, it will never be ok. but it doesn’t have to be BAD.” – this is how you take something scary and negative and make it into a more normal and natural process that helps neutralize the fear.
Barbara inspired me and gave me truth and honesty about an element of life most of us know very little about. She changed how I see dying. She spoke about it with so much familiarity, knowledge, comfort and gentleness that it took out so much of the frightening mystery that dying is cloaked in. It will never be ok, but it doesn’t have to be bad or frightening.
To hear Barbara’s own words about dying, click here Gone From My Sight. To obtain a copy of her book,“Gone From My Sight” please contact Becky Lomaka.
What do you think of Barbara’s premises?’
In your experience, have you seen any of these played out?
Illustration Credit: Anna and Elena Balbusso
23 Comments
Molly,
I would love it if we as a staff were given the opportunity to hear some of these great speakers. Increasing our knowledge of the entire process would benefit us and the families that we serve. I hope that you and Becky can brain storm and get us on the list.
Thanks for sharing Barbara’s words of wisdom.
kari
Wow Molly, this is so enlightening. This Hospice nurse seems to really care and have so much insite that will help many people. Thank You for sharing what she spoke about that day.
Love,
Shayna
Dear Molly,
It has been a delight to get to know you by the Support in Enlighten us on Different
Elements of “LIFE” I’m amaze how most of the subject you have presented I had Experience.
I Have been in Hospice for Six Mo. While I did not Sing. I had Volunteer had ,Traning. My
patient was a Minister very Pleasing, Charming he would play his Hamanica for me and I would
Play my Choir CD When it was time for a Nap I would hold his hand and we would pray
together. We also converse about his life. I also spoke in a soft tone and we laugh so much.
His wife was also there and I took care of her too. She was a little resolute but pleasant.
They both had Heart promblems. I was overcome by sadness when I arrived the next day
to find out she had pass away first. not expecting it to happen, she was Succumb in her sleep.
After two months he Suoccumb in his sleep and I was there praying by his side with his Children
I was very impress how they took care of their Parents. and Me they were so ever greatful
for me being there. The Service they had was a 24 Hr, Nurse a Paster, Nurse that bathe them
and I. A normal stay is 3 Mo. I stayed Six Mo. before they pass away. I was blessed to have
known them. I also spoke at his Funeral which they wanted me to. Molly Thanks for letting us
express out life Journey. Blessing to you for all that you do.!!!! +
Frannie.
Oh Frannie,
What a beautiful story. I’m so happy this post opened your heart up to that memory & prompted you to share it with us.
Thank you so much for the beautiful service & love you showed those people. It will not be forgotten.
Love, Molly
my first real experience with dealing with death was when my son was murdered and i was such a mess that i didn’t realy comprehend what happened but the one thing i do remember is sitting at my neices sidewalk and watching an ant family carring a leaf ten times its size and for some reason peace of no understanding came over me..i never did see my son before or after he died so my mind says he is on a journey somewhere and that someday we will be together again..
my second experience was bitter sweet i sit with my x-husband whom i loved dearly just couldn’t be married to him . and i held him and prayed with him and then for some reason i sang frank sinatras song (i did it my way) out loud to him and even though he was really gone i saw a smile come on his face and then he passed it was the most beautiful thing i ever experienced.love has no boundries and even though people may devorce and move on love of some kind still is there.i know he went peacefully and i am thankful for that
Oh Rita, what loss you have experienced. There is no beauty in murder or the loss of a child and I am so sorry that you had to lose him the way you did.
Your description of the passing of your ex-husband gave me goosebumps – that last smile, just for you, your singing just for him – what love you had for each other!
Thank you so very much for sharing your tragic stories, opening your heart to look death in the face and talk about what it’s like. You’ve endured a lot and it’s stories like yours that help others as they go through the sudden & earth-shattering bomb of grief.
I appreciate you sharing.
I remember when my mother passed, I wasn’t shocked that she passed. My mother was 86 and had lived a full life. But I remember clearly thinking to myself, this is not what I thought dying was like. I though, this is not at all like in the movies.
My mother died for 3 weeks. Every part of it after the first week was brutal…for her. She used to tell me, “Growing old ain’t for sissies.” By the time she passed I think she would have added, had she been talking, “Growing old prepares you for tthe final battle, which is the toughest battle of your life.”I wish for her that passing had been like the movies…but the only movie that came to my mind was Braveheart.
I guess in a way it was, but it was her a Braveheart
Wow Mark. What an amazing way to describe and memorialize the strength & life of your mother. I think you’re absolutely right in comparing it to Braveheart and the battles & torture that this life brings to us & forces us to endure.
I wish it had been like the movies for your mother, too. I hope it brings you some comfort to know that her dying this way was not abnormal, there’s often comfort in knowing we’re not alone in these experiences.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.