“I Would Think Your Job Would be Very Depressing”
I recently sat with a lady who is trying desperately to reconcile the unexpected death of her husband. She nervously fidgeted and took notes on each of the points we discussed on who she should contact now that she was being given his death certificates. I asked her questions about her husband and their life. I wanted to know how long they had been married, how many children and grandchildren they have, what their favorite vacation spots were and what the last thirty-three years has looked like for them. She lit up as she told stories of their wonderful life together.
As we began transitioning back to the other purpose of our time together, preparing her for tackling the business end of the process, her mood and posture noticeably changed. I realized that the reality of her husband’s death was hitting her once again. With tears starting to fall from her beautiful, blue eyes, she looked up at me and said, “I would think your job would be very depressing”.
I handed her a tissue, placed my hand on hers and told her, “I love what I do because I get to meet people like you.” She tried to smile the best she could, but her heart is still so broken. I walked to her car with her and assured her she could call anytime with any questions, even if she just needed to talk.
The timing of this comment was far from coincidental. I was just emerging from one of the worst bouts of seasonal depression I had experienced in a very long time. While depression has been no stranger over my lifetime, this was the worst it has been in years.
Of course, there is sadness associated with working in a mortuary. One would not be wired well for this atmosphere if they did not feel empathy and compassion for the profound losses. It is how we are shaped to comfort others.
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/Luso
The dark cloud that hovered over me this holiday season was due to personal feelings of loss. The realization that my “family” Christmas will never be like the sappy, Christmas movies due to family conflict. The longing for holidays gone by that included loved ones who have been gone for years. The mourning of what I thought my life would have looked like by now.
Life is not perfect. We live in a broken place that is full of heartache and disappointment. If you haven’t already experienced it, your time is coming. Sadly, it is inevitable.
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/Noedelhap
It is how you go through and emerge from these trials that helps to define you. It is the comfort you receive from others that will prepare you to be the one who comforts when called upon. When experienced effectively, pain can result in tremendous growth.
You know what keeps my job from being depressing? Being able to show the families we serve the same compassion that has been shown to me when I have needed it. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. In fact, it can be as simple as any of the examples below.
Be Present – This can be face to face or via email. Sometimes an email that states, “I’m thinking of you.” or “I’m praying for you.” can make a huge difference to someone who is hurting.
Encourage Them To Talk About It – This should be on their terms and when they are ready, but let them know you want them to share stories of their loved one or their grief journey.
Touch – Hold their hand or hug them. This should be within your comfort level and theirs so it does not feel forced or awkward.
Don’t Try To Fix Them – This is not something they can “shake off,” “get over” or “move on” from. Allow them to grieve for as long as needed.
Leave the Door Open – Do not put a time limit or expiration date on your support of them. Let them know they can contact you on an ongoing basis as needed.
. . . what about you?
Have you experienced trials that helped you to grow?
Who was your source of strength and support?
Do you find you now use their example to help others?
29 Comments
Lori,
I have had people say the same things to me. Or their first response is “Eeewww! How can you do that? I could never…” They immediately grab onto the sorrow, or tragedy of what death can represent, and there’s no room left for the blessing and gratification that comes. Mourning is such an integral part of our soul’s. Not only in the case of death. We mourn or should mourn all sorts of loss throughout our lives. What we provide is a safe, peaceful, and meaningful opportunity for individuals to begin that journey. Yes, it’s true that some are not ready, and their first days may be in utter darkness. Others welcome the passage and step into the light right away. In my estimation, it’s a priceless gift. I must say that I enjoy opening the window on our business and allowing the past views of the spooky, creepy, money hungry mortician out of the shadows. O’Connor’s is on the cutting edge of our industry, and it’s a blessing to be a part of. Everyone will need us at some point in their life. Shinning for them and loving them is so rewarding. But of course, you “get it.”
Thanks lady!!
kari
Kari,
Yes, mourning is so important, no matter how big or small, we must grieve our losses. Like you, I am proud to be associated with such a family friendly mortuary instead of the old, preconceived notions of creepiness. We are very blessed.
Thank you for your comment that I “get it”. That is a huge compliment and much appreciated.
Thank you!
Lori
Lori
Isn’t it interesting that sometimes we all wear the “I’m fine” mask, when in fact, we are hurting beyond what we can express. Our lives are filled with days of wonderful joy, and then can plummet into the depths of sadness and pain. I know that you are a wonderfully compassionate and caring woman. And I know that you would push aside your own sadness to bring comfort and support to that family sitting across the table. As my mentor, Dr. Bill Hoy, who has taught me any wonderful antedates, says, “You cannot give what you do not have.”. I make sure that I “talk out” with my family and/or friends, those things in my life that would interfere with my personal or professional well being. II know that it’s taken me years to realize that I need to be in a good place before I can provide support and care to my own family and friends, and those families we serve each day. Thank you so much for sharing from your heart!
Lovingly,
MP
MP,
Sometimes “I’m fine” is what we feel we need to do in the moment because we don’t have the time or energy to “go there”. Fortunately I do not go into the depths for the length of time that I used to. Sometimes it is easier to hide out for awhile. That doesn’t solve things though, does it? Then, I finally realize I have to turn to those I love to hear me out. I am blessed by many wonderful friends who I can be “me” with and I count you among them. Thank you for the love and guidance you have shown me along the way.
Much Love,
Lori
Lori,
Great blog and so true! Most people I know think the same when they here I work in the mortuary business. But I dont consider my job depressing either. I love my job! I love the fact that I get to help families who need the help. I feel so happy when families come to us to help them with their loved one, we are the best! I think this is because we all are truly here to help other not just because it is out job. Love you
Shayna
Shayna,
I hear over and over from families that it comes through how important relationships are to our ownership and company as a whole. It is not just our perception that we love what we do…..we are putting it out there! That is huge! I do not know of many companies, period, let alone a mortuary who can have that positive influence. We are extremely fortunate….
Love you!
Lori
Great blog, Lori. I am sure you are bringing great comfort to the families you get to meet. I am sorry you were feeling so down during the holidays. I like the quote about life not being perfect for anyone, I think that we are all given obstacles, heartache, and disappointment. It’s just a matter of time and in what area of a persons’ life. However, it’s all about how you handle those things, and I think you are very strong, have a great outlook and also a source of strength to others in their hard times.
Shasta,
Thank you for your encouragement about the comfort I hope families are receiving from the time I have spent with them.
You are someone I look up to, believe it or not, since you are MUCH younger than me. What I appreciate most about you is that no matter how busy you are or what is happening in your life, you have a smile to share with everyone. That tells me you are wise about the ways you have handled heartache, learned from it and have forged on to help others.
You are so sweet and I have never heard you snap at anyone, ever!
I am so grateful for you!!
XOXO Lori
Lori
As I told you in person, I am so sorry that I did not know you were suffering so much during the holidays – and we even share an office! How did I miss seeing that? You are very good at covering up and moving forward here at work at least! I hope next time you will open up and share when you are suffering and let me and others help lift the sadness.
Because I too have gone through a time of debilitating depression in my life – my heart aches for anyone that suffers with deep depression. Not just the type that makes us feel blue and lasts a relatively short time, but the kind when death looks better than life and we can’t seem to pull ourselves out of it. It is the darkest feeling I have ever experienced and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
But the article that came out of you here on this page is testimony to me that you are able to teach yourself and us about how to deal with it. Thank you for all your encouraging words.
I’m so grateful you are part of my life.
Lots of love,
Sharon
Sharon,
Thank you for your sweet heart. It was not hard to hide at work because my focus was on others, not myself. It’s during the quiet times, away from work when my mind had time to wander. That is when the sadness can set in , especially around the holidays.
It has been a long time since the really dark thoughts have invaded my mind as you described here. As you know, when the cloud that hovers is really dark, it’s hard to imagine the light on the other side.
I am glad you found encouragement from my post.
I hope neither of us is in that dark spot ever again!
I am equally grateful to have you in my life…I am going to miss you sooo much!!
Love you,
Lori