The Gift of Reconciliation & My Mother: Reflections & Resolutions
The Gift of Reconciliation, Reunion and How It Will Shape My New Year’s Resolution
In October I wrote a post about the potential of losing a loved one at the holidays.
While I am writing this, my grandmother is still with us. However, she will never be the same. She relies on round the clock care from caretakers. Her dementia has been thrown into overdrive and she does not remember what I have told her five minutes before. It is no longer me that she relies on, but her daytime caretaker for security. While she is still with us, I have lost her.
I have found myself uttering the same cliche phrases many do in situations like this. “It would be a blessing if God takes her,” “She is not living, she is existing,” “She is never going to be any better than she is right now.” After speaking these phrases, I feel the residual guilt as though I am trying to speed up the process. It is not my place to play God. Everything is in His timing. I have prayed that as God sees how devastating this loss of independence has been to her, He would choose to take her home sooner rather than later. He ALWAYS has a plan.
I shared what I am certain was my last Thanksgiving meal with my grandmother this past November. While her dementia has progressed significantly, she had some moments of great understanding and clarity while we shared our meal and time together. I asked her point blank if she was tired and ready to go to Heaven. Her eyes welled up with tears and she confided in me that she was not certain she was going there. I reminded her that she had been to church with me and prayed the salvation prayer. I asked her if she believed that Jesus died on the cross for her sins. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Yes, I believe that”. I held back my own tears as I told her she IS going to Heaven. I told her God gave her the gift of Heaven the minute she started believing that Jesus died for her sins. She likely forgot our conversation the minute we returned to her apartment, but I am at peace that she was present during the conversation.
Photo Credit: www.prosebeforehos.com
I asked my grandmother a few times when she was at the hospital and rehabilitation facility if she would like to see my mom. She declined each time. My grandmother is my father’s mother. She has always been very critical of my mom, her daughter-in-law. As I became older, I decided it was easier to keep them apart.
While conversing with my grandma at Thanksgiving I brought the subject up again. I told her my mom really wanted to spend time with her. I reminded her that she had declined her previous offers to visit. This time my grandma’s response was, “Well, if she wants to come see me, I guess that would be alright. There is no reason to hold grudges.” I was astounded! As my dear friend and neighbor put it, “She is cleaning up her house before she is ready to go”.
My mom came out from Nevada and we headed over to visit with my grandmother the week after Thanksgiving. They had not seen each other since 2001. Emotional does not adequately describe the scene as we walked into my grandmother’s apartment. She and my mom cried and hugged for a long time.
Granny & Mom
* Used with Permission
I could feel the guilt, shame, resentment, bitterness and all other negative emotions wash away with their tears. God blessed me with the gift of seeing them reunite. My mom sent me out of the apartment and they had the opportunity to truly reconcile. My mom now calls her regularly and visits whenever she is in town.
I now feel more prepared to receive the call my grandma is gone. Will it be heartbreaking? Of course, you can never really prepare for loss. But now I am at peace with His timing because of the peace he has brought to my family.
I was able to feel love between the two ladies (both so instrumental in my life) who I didn’t even allow in the same room together for over a decade. That was the most unexpected and beautiful Christmas gift I could have ever received.
This brings me to my New Year’s Resolution. It is quite simply to be more like my mother. I find this ironic since we spend our younger years swearing that we will not become our mothers.
These are the traits I want to emulate:
She Walks The Walk – My mom is a much better Christian than I am even though I introduced her to church. She has a huge heart for others and always tends to naturally do the right thing.
Forgiveness– You could walk up to my mom and throw dirt in her face and she would still have something nice to say to you. She knew every spiteful comment my grandmother has made about her over the years and yet she had no hesitation about seeing her and showing her love. My mom forgives quickly, completely and does not hold grudges. She always encourages me to take the first step if I am at odds with people in my life.
Unconditional Love– Even when I went through the darkest periods of my life and was a terrible person to be around, my mom never gave up on me. She has a servant’s heart and would do anything for anyone. She has never met a stranger and I am certain people who encounter her remember her smile and her heart.
Generosity– For as long as I can remember, my mom has extended invitations to friends or neighbors who do not have anywhere to go for the holidays. While our family may be rather small, the house was always filled to capacity at the holidays.
This has been a life altering year for me. I have experienced many significant changes and more are on their way. If I can live by the four core values I have watched my mom live by so effortlessly, I am certain I can weather any storm.
Were you able to have important conversations with someone you love before their passing?
Have you been given the gift of reconciliation within your own family?
What are your New Year’s Resolutions this year? May I suggest it go something like this?
27 Comments
Lori, we spoke many times about your Grandma and mom. When I saw your post on Fb I knew I had to read this. Absolutely beautiful! You and your mom and Grandma are amazing, all of you. Happy New Year!
Kery,
Thank you so much for reading and adding your comments!
Yes, anyone who has been apart of my life has heard about Grandma and mom. I thank you for listening, reading and responding.
Happy New Year!!!
Lori
Lori
I knew this one was coming… I knew the story before it was in print, but I hadn’t seen the picture of your beautiful mom with gram. It really cemented it for me.
What a beautiful tribute to your mom. She is a treasure for you for sure, in the years to come. Thank you for sharing this wonderful blog.
My brother in law Wayne, was in poor health a long time before he died. Since he was in Canada and we were far away, we purposed to call and speak to him that way in the hospital by having a nurse bring him a phone. Those conversations held a lot of “final comments and thanks for all he meant to us”.
Also, several times with neighbors and friends I felt a desire to sing at their bedside songs about heaven, only to see them pass either the next day or within days. Another friend, I went through scripture and made copies of ones I felt would be comforting and took them to the bedside and read them. He died that weekend. At his funeral the next week, his pastor read all the same ones, saying Mac had chosen these to be read at his funeral about 6 months before when he planned everything.
I am a firm believer in saying the things that need to be said so there are no regrets later.
Love you
Anne
Anne,
You knew this story each step of the way. I share these parts of my life with you because I know you have the heart to find joy in these moments.
My mom is an amazing lady who has never complained about having to take a backseat to my grandma for a very long time. A heart like my mom’s is a very rare gem. I can no longer take her for granted.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know many call heaven home because of you and Lou. That is an incredible accomplishment.
I hope I recognize the opportunities to share the gospel and do it with the grace you do.
Love you!
Lori
Lori,
I love this story! I am thankful for the gift that this is to all three of you. The benefits of it will have their affect long into the future especially after your grandma leaves this world. Your persistence and being the bridge between your mom and grandma has, I’m sure, at times been very difficult. Arriving at the moment of reconciliation must have been overwhelming and now, on the other side of it and being able to reflect on the path to get there, you can marvel at God’s design and involvement in it.
Well done Lori. Thank you God for this gift! How appropriate for the “New Year”, a renewed relationship.
Jeff
Jeff,
Thank you for being fundamental in making this reunion happen. With your pastor’s heart, you suggested, never forced this reunion.
I have entered the New Year with a peace beyond any I imagined with regards to Granny.
You deserve a great deal of credit for the restoration of my family.
Well done Jeff!
Lori
Great post Lori! It’s so wonderful to know you have peace in these relationships and that your Granny can “move on” in a way that is blessed and restored. Thank you so much for sharing such a great story with all of us! You & your mom are outstanding women – great new years resolutions!
Molly,
YOU are an outstanding young woman who I am priveleged to use as my sounding board!
My posts are only as good as my editor. Without your encouragement and suggestions, my stories of Granny would never have had a forum.
Hope you are feeling better!!!
Love you,
Lori
Lori, I know how desperately you wanted this reunion between your Grannie and your Mom. God has a way of making things happen at the right time and place. Even though they both missed out on a lot of time that could have been spent together, this reunion was timed just right. You also played a big part in this as your head and heart needed to be in the right place also to make this happen. Your strength was the glue to put this together. While Grannie’s life may be coming to an end, your growth has just exploded both in your personal life, work life and your spiritual growth.
I am so blessed to have you as my friend. You fit right into my family. Everyone loves you especially Uncle Jim. I am ready to make some new commitments to do better in keeping in contact with those in my family that are getting older. When I see the changes it makes a difference in how we need to be more considerate of them. I pledge to do better this year.
Praying that 2013 will be your best year ever.
You are loved.
Betty
Betty,
You have been instrumental over the years reuniting me with my Grandma when we were at odds. You would always ask me if I had spoken with her or didn’t I think I better call her. You never forced, but kindly nudged me in the right direction. You know how stubborn I am and you love me in spite of it.
I am so blessed you have invited me into your family to share your Christmas meal. It makes me miss my own family a little less to be included in yours. I am so thankful you have all welcomed me with such open arms.
We all need to be more cognizant of all of the important people in our lives. As I am writing this I am thinking of three people, including you who I owe phone calls. Time goes by so fast, but we should remember to make time for who’s important before it is too late.
2013 is going to be a great year for both of us!!
You are loved as well more than I sometimes express……
Lori