Meaning-Making: The 3 Acts That Give Purpose to Pain
I recently saw an instagram post that wasn’t a weird selfie or amazing plate of food, but was in fact, something far more sad. It was a picture of a darling little red-headed boy with the hashtag #redballoonsforryan. A friend of mine had posted it with the story that Ryan had died from being hit by a car while playing at a friends’ house. Let me tell you, no matter how long you work at a mortuary and no matter how many stories you hear, you never stop feeling them – especially when there is tragedy and especially when there are children. My heart broke for his sweet parents, for his mom who’s instagram feed is full of pictures bursting with pride and joy over the sweet little boy
When I clicked on the hashtag there were already hundreds of posts from people in their community sharing support in photo form for this little boy. Now there are over 43,000 posts from people who never knew this little boy, each one commemorating his sweet life and the joy of his smile.
Death touches people.
Very often in our grief we feel a call to act, to create a meaning and a purpose that combats the questions constantly bashing through our heads, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WHAT’S THE PURPOSE? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
We refuse to think that there might be no “greater purpose” – that life is always a chance, a risk, that grief and death don’t necessarily have a reason, they just are and they hit without bias.
I think the secret is that there is no greater purpose unless actions are taken. It doesn’t mean we should all start non-profits or scholarships in the names of our loved ones, but we feel a need to be changed and in turn change the world in some way. Simple acts of kindness, interior changes to our own attitudes and perspectives, or displays of compassion toward others can all stem out of our grief and begin a legacy of something greater.
Dr. Bill Hoy has often said, “Grief is the process of meaning-making.” We must either tend to this grief or let it rot us. It will only have purpose if you have the courage to seek it. I see 3 important actions to consider in your grief journey:
– Act of Remembering or acknowledging their life: This can be done in myriads of ways and is unique to every relationship. Ceremonies, memory boxes, keepsakes, memorial jewelry (thumbies), telling stories and keeping photos around are all ways in which we keep their memory alive.
– Act of Meaning-Making or how did their life change me: The person we loved changed us and now without them we face another change. Looking at ways they impacted our lives and making intentional decisions to pass on those lessons, encouragements and affections to others not only changes you but also changes the lives around you. Your circle of influence may remain small but I think it is no small thing to encourage or help someone. Each kindness put into action because of your loved one is a way of extending their life, their purpose, and their meaning to you.
– Act of Self-Reflection or how does their death change me: Our lives change forever when we lose someone important to us. Pains like these often open us up to areas of compassion we had never known as we see life and the people around us in a changed way. Deaths often bring a sharp clarity to our lives that refocuses our priorities, and helps us make our own lives more worthwhile. Without self-reflection we can run the danger of getting stuck in the remembering and meaning-making. Processing how the landscape of our life and our heart has changed is critical to the hope of healing.
To quote John Green, author of The Fault in Our Stars, “Grief doesn’t change you, it reveals you.” With all pain there is an opportunity to learn, to face the challenge, to more deeply understand who you are, and perhaps most importantly, to find meaning once again.
We are bound to pay the cost of loving and missing something that is impermanent.
There is value in each pain, in each tear. There is value because of what it takes from you, the hole it leaves, the time you spend aching and wondering when or if it can ever feel better. We spend so much time remembering, missing, dreaming of fuller times and we spend it because it was worth it.
|| what do you think?
What are ways you have brought meaning out of loss?
How do stories like this change your perspective on your own life?
30 Comments
Molly,
You know that little ones have a special place in my heart. I can’t even begin to imagine what this family has gone through. What a huge hole this little boy has left in the hearts of those who knew him and even those who feel they knew him through this post.
You are right, no matter how long you work at a mortuary, there are deaths that do not make one bit of sense. They are heartbreaking.
The ways I have brought meaning from loss are by connecting with those who have experienced it. I have a group of families, many have now become friends, who I acknowledge on certain days. Whether it be a card on the first holiday they are going through without their loved one, an email letting them know that I’m praying extra because I know it is a tough day or even flowers to brighten a difficult day. All of this to not pass over tough days. An acknowledgment to say, “I know you are thinking about him/her today and I am thinking of you while you are.”
Love,
Lori
Molly,
I wear a sapphire ring that my mother gave me right after my father passed. That is his birthstone and I treasure it. Every time I look at my figure I am reminded of him. This is one of my many ways of remembering. His death was a huge reflection in the person I am now. I know that with the awful situation, I have made the best. I have a wonderful career, I am happy with life. I can say that my role model my father helped me achieve everything I have.
Erin
Erin,
That is so beautiful and I think all of us can easily testify to the fact that you HAVE done the very best with what life has thrown at you. You’ve turned the loss of your father into a legacy and created something beautiful out of something tragic.
Well done my dear,
Molly
Molly,
You always write about the best things. It really touches close to home even when we have no connection or relation. Being a parent, a mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle or even a friend you feel the pain and sorrow of someone’s loss. It tugs at your heart when you hear of such a tragic event. I find myself feeling awful even when I didn’t know them. Thanks for sharing this amazing little boy with me. What an angel!
Amy
Amy,
Those feelings that you expressed are exactly why you do what you do. That heart of yours is big and full of compassion for others and I love that about you. It’s almost impossible in situations like these to not feel and to be honest, I’m always relieved to really “feel” pains like this and know for sure that I haven’t grown calloused to these heart-breaking stories.
Thank you so much for reading & treasuring this blog, I’m so glad it resonated with you,
Molly
Mom,
Thank you so much for reading, caring for this family & joining our community of support and sorrow over a life. You’re a part of it now and I’m so glad you are. Love you so, thank you for reading!
Molly
I love this, Molly. Meaning Making is the best way to explain it simply- we must make meaning out of the losses we live thru. It makes me sad to see our West Coast culture let funeral ceremony decline in importance. I’m so grateful that we as a company have committed to educating everyone we come into contact with on the importance of memorialization & funeral ceremony. Thank you for this beautiful blog to help that message thrive & spread to all! XOXOX Carrie
You’ve got it Carrie, there are so many ways to make meaning but the funeral ceremony is so key and a remarkable tool for creating and perpetuating meaning.
I love that your focus is so intent on providing this for families. We share the same goals and want these healing ceremonies for all grieving people. The truth is that there are so many needs after the death & after the ceremony and we can’t tend to them but we can raise awareness.
Thank you for your beautiful insight, passion & heart for the hurting – love you Carrie.
Molly