Last month I wrote about the power of responding to people in grief with memories.
So many of us don’t know what to say to a grieving person and even if we do manage to say something as simple as “I’m so sorry,” very often our discomfort makes us feel the need to keep speaking and, if we’re not careful, our rambling can lead us into dangerous words.
One of the worst things we can say to someone in grief is a phrase that starts with “At least …” For example,
At least he had a long life … (most families will tell you that it still wasn’t long enough for them).
At least you had time to prepare yourself … (almost anyone who has lost a loved one to a prolonged illness will still tell you that even though they knew the death was coming, there was no way to prepare for what it would feel like when their loved one actually died).
At least you have other children … (this one I really can’t handle, anyone who can say something like this really has no business speaking. And yes, people have said this).
These phrases diminish the significance of the loss and the grief of the survivors. It’s like saying, “you shouldn’t be that sad” and it’s a pretty devastating thing to say.
If you’re interested in the science of why these “at least” phrases are so terrible, look no further then this brilliant short by Brené Brown:
Sadly, all of those “condolences” have been spoken and will continue to be said. But, if you’re reading this, none of these will never be said by you.
So, my advice to anyone nervous about speaking to a grieving person is:
First, of course greet them warmly, and perhaps ask if you could share a memory with them. (You always want to be sensitive to their grief, and if they are worried about crying in public or feel overwhelmed they may turn you down or ask you to wait but I don’t think that would be most cases). Most people will want to hear their loved one’s name spoken, hear that they are remembered and they will welcome your memory.
Second, tell them what you remember. Details are precious gems and may illicit tears but they are such good and welcome tears. The presence of tears, generally indicate that you are sharing something very special and wanted.
Third, let them respond and listen to them. It is possible you are the only person who has brought up memories or even spoken the name of their loved one. You may be a safe place if you’ve come to share memories and don’t let any “at least’s” slip out ; )
Being a safe place for someone is one of the very best things you can ever hope to be.
It’s completely true that for many of us, the idea of speaking to grieving people can be intimidating. The fear of making things worse excuses us from saying so many things when, the truth is, if you are speaking out of a genuine place, there is nothing you could do to make their loss worse.
Many grieving people report feeling isolated in their grief, noticing others avoiding them and finding no one who will talk about their loved one with them.
And so, I hope that the next time your path crosses with a grieving person, you won’t shy away but will instead open yourself up to the opportunity to enjoy a wonderful person with someone else who is missing them.
– Have you ever frozen or freaked out about what to say to someone who is grieving?
– What do you say to friends of yours who have lost someone?
11 Comments
Molly,
Connection is so needed. Grief is often lonely. No matter what, you can’t be with people all the time. And people, even those who love you and loved the person who is departed, move on.
Life is fluid. Sometimes the grieving person gets stuck…maybe not completely stuck, but still not 100% moving on.
Recognizing that in others, when the cloud is settling, when a hug may be all that is needed, is a gift. And words are not always necessary. Sometimes just the hug, or a simple “how are you doing?”, but willing to embrace the response. Not much time out of your day, but a true empathetic response and no “At Leasts!”
Anne
Molly,
Thanks for this blog, I have always felt that one of our biggest educational duties as funeral director is exactly this. Educating people on how to be with and communicate with people who are grieving. Sometimes even the wisest amongst us does not know what to say, but your presence can speak volumes. Having walked the walk many moons ago I have heard it all. Sometimes the ignorance is palpable, but I try to categorize it as just that. Well intentioned but completely missing the mark. As our team just learned in training.” It can be possible to talk to much, but never possible to listen to much” No need to compare deaths or because I have gone though it I know exactly how you feel comments. Just understand that they are in pain and nothing we will say can take that away. So let them know you know they are in pain, let them tell the story or just be with them in silence.
Chuck
This is something that we all need to hear over and over again. Often we are so afraid that we will say the wrong thing that we end up not saying anything at all.
As Brene Brown so brilliantly illustrates, empathizing and not just sympathizing speaks volumes and helps the grieving person feel safe and cared for. The grieving person may not remember exactly what we say, but they will remember that we were there for them.
Thank you, Molly, for sharing this important conversation with us.
Molly,
What another great blog! I believe that we need to remembered things like this when dealing with grief. I know that people feel storage or afraid of speaking about grief because the thought of saying the wrong things comes in their minds. Thank you for the reminder of how to deal with the discussion of grief.
Shayna
Molly as usual A very profound blog that will make you think. The best advice I can give is be a rock for the grieving family and just comfort them with your presence sometimes its not what you say or how you say it , sometimes its just being there that will comfort them and a thoughtful memory. Thanks so much Joe Lavoie