This is Part III of my story, to read Part I, or Part II, click here.
{ my husband Lou was diagnosed with cancer and given months to live. this is what happened to both of us as his life drew to an end. the people that touched me were angels and not many people read this part of the story. if you know someone on the front lines like i was, here’s what you can do to help }
It was amazing to us how quickly Lou lost basic strength and the ability to just handle any of the normal routines. He was having difficulty navigating the stairs to our bedroom, but insisted on remaining there, though hospice had an open bed order.
There was a huge DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) sheet on display in the house. We were told if anything occurred we must call Hospice, not 9-1-1. That came into play quickly in the middle of the night when Lou fell in the bathroom and couldn’t get up. I was next to no help. It took us over an hour to get him into bed and nearly injured both of us. This was so distressing. Hospice was unavailable and we were temporarily on our own. It was so frightening.
We both realized the hospital bed was now inevitable. We placed the order.
The will to do and be Lou’s “everything” was so strong in me. I did not look in the mirror and see what it was doing to me. Even if I had, I did not care.
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/aurorat
*We maintained daily devotions and prayer together.
Taken a little out of context, but comforting still the same, I read Psalm 107:6-10 to us every day. It became our conscious choice to praise the Lord for the circumstance in which we found ourselves. We also read from sheets of scriptures on healing promises, here are a few of the ones we went to often: James 5:14, Jeremiah 17:14, & Isaiah 53:5.
*Family Support: Our daughter April worked it out to be there for part of most days. Just having the support and her cheerful personality perked Lou up greatly and me, too, not to mention her fabulous cooking.
*I identified a core group of friends and family who were standing with us and maintained contact. I did this through Facebook and group emails. One sister-in-law checked in weekly and I took the time to be specific in my response covering the previous week and current prayer requests. She passed it on to the rest of the family.
*I accepted visitors, meals, and any other helps that were offered. It is amazing how much my work, Rotary, friends, church and close neighbors wanted to provide meals. I was so thankful and encouraged! My favorite was chicken soup. Lou was able to sample most everything. Those visits strengthened and uplifted both of us greatly. Our most frequent visitor was our pastor, Mike Bayer.
*Music became even more important than usual. I identified with certain song lyrics and a couple really “got me through” tough moments. Sara MacLachlin’s “Answer” (If it takes a lifetime, I won’t break, I won’t bend” ran through my brain during all the tough times.) And Twila Paris’ “Fix your Eyes on Jesus” was another mantra: “Following Close behind, Following, ever blinded to the things that “should” not move me…Fix your eyes on Jesus” (not on what was quickly happening right before my eyes!) We also had quiet, but uplifting music playing most of the time.
*Taking breaks. Boy that was a tough one. I didn’t want to be out of Lou’s presence. And believe me, he didn’t want me out of the room. But it became important to leave for short periods, even it was to rush to the pharmacy and wait for drug refills, or walk around the block. Once Lou was in a coma, I even went to Dana Point the morning of his birthday. Angela and I walked the harbor with the dogs and sat on our bench and watched the waves in his honor. Bella, his Bernese Mountain dog knew right where she was. She jumped up and sat on the bench, nuzzled us and watched the water quietly for nearly an hour. It was a healing time.
Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/bitterfly
*Getting enough rest myself. That never happened. Looking back, I should have found some way to make sure it did. If you find yourself in this situation, insist on it, for your own health and for your sanity.
*Actually fitting myself into Lou’s hospital bed with him. I really wish I had done this more, in retrospect. We did it a few times and those have become precious memories. If I had it to do over, I would have personally rented a larger bed. Being in a separate rollaway right next to him just didn’t do it.
Everyone’s journey is different. Some cancers are actually beatable. Some aren’t, but come on so slowly and gradually that everyday life and even the ability to continue working is possible. Our situation was totally the opposite. The trip to total incapacity was extremely fast.
But whatever you may be experiencing and at whatever level, I believe these points may help you, too.
Have you been through a similar struggle?
What helped you?
What do you wish you would have done differently?
50 Comments
Annie,
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing with us this very personal journey. Lou was a lucky man to have such a loving and caring wife and partner along side him during those tough times. I know you did everything in your power to make his last days as comfortable and fulfilling as possible. I know you also felt lucky to have such a wonderful caring man as your husband and partner. I remember when Jeff asked Lou, “Lou, what is it that I/we can do for you or pray for you right now? With out hesitation in a very shallow whispery voice, “I just want Annie to be taken care of when I’m gone”
I know this blog will be a benefit to many, great ideas and hints to help those that have to travel a similar path.
Love,
Chuck
Chuck,
I know whatever I gave Lou in his last months was nothing less than he totally deserved. He gave selflessly to me our whole married years. I mean, he bought pretty much whatever toys he wanted to the extent our earning could support it, but he also tried to get me to do the same. I know I shall be taken care of, one way or another. That touched me, too, when I heard him say that. Always, putting me first and wanting to know I would be ok. Still makes me cry when I think about that. I was sure blessed.
I think of that when I see couples still intact that I interact with. I hurt when I see them not getting along or being selfish. I think, oh boy, don’t do that. Life is too short. Treasure what you have. Does it really matter who is right, in light of eternity? No matter how long you have together, it is too short to have any regrets. And most regrets are within our power to control.
Love,
Annie
Persistence is my guiding strength to drive through the the complexities of life. And, support, like you had, is of similar value to help keep me motivated.
Nothing like support to make one feel “not alone” in life, is there? Thanks for reading, Tom
Anne
What a blessing you are Anne. What an encouragement to others. Keep writing, loving and sharing.
Thanks Pastor Mike
Doing my best to do just that. Thanks for taking time to read it and comment.
Love
Anne
Anne
As hard as this is to write about – I believe that you going to be glad you did in the long term. Many of the details will fade over time (many will not) and to be writing of how you are feeling now will be helpful in your grief recovery.
Thank you for being my special friend. I’m so glad I get to take a part of you with me to Illinois. My Annie Highlander will take good care of me I know!
Stay in touch…..
Much love and support….Sharon
Sharon
You have become such a dear friend. We share many things that bind us. You have my car to comfort you. I have your sectional to remind me to think of you and pray for you in your venture.
I sure hope you are right. Friends ask me why are you still writing about this when each time tears you up so much and sets you back so far each time. I don’t know the answer to that. I just know I have to complete what I started. Maybe part of it is to create the document so I will have it to go back to later. I do know I am here to help others. Maybe I will need it to refresh my memory some time in the future parts of what I went through to really do that well.
Anyway, you are still here, but I miss you already.
Love
Anne
Anne,
Thank you for sharing your journey through love, loss and grief. You have guided me to a deeper understanding of the journey and process that the families we serve travel through after a death has occurred.
Chris
Chris,
Guess we help in other in many more ways than the obvious.
Thanks,
Anne