Finding Comfort in Words, Not Possessions
I have been in spring-cleaning mode all the way through summer.
After my mom died four years ago, our family kept our house like a museum. I don’t mean that things were neatly organized and everything was nicely displayed. I mean that all my mom’s items were left exactly where they were. Grocery lists still hung on the refrigerator. We gave away only a couple of her clothes, but anything that I remembered her wearing or still had a faint scent from her perfume was stuffed in my drawers. To make more room, I even used some of those plastic bags that you stuff and vacuum out the air.
Having two wardrobes in just a couple drawers and a tiny closet was a recipe for clothes spilling out of drawers and constant piles of garments on my bed. Getting ready in the mornings was stressful and seeing the mess when getting ready for bed was exhausting. I had put up with the mess because they were my mom’s clothes and each item was a piece of her.
After reading a blog that talks about living life minimally, it was time to take inventory of what I owned and to give things away. There were two piles: “Goodwill” and “things I just can’t get rid of.” With every piece of cloth I told myself that this would make someone else really happy. Once things were sorted, I went back to the pile of “things I couldn’t get rid of.”
After staring at the pile of clothes, I had come to see that this was just a pile of clothes. These items were not my mom.
It was the memory of her wearing them that I was afraid of losing. Possessing these items did not bring me comfort or happiness, it brought stress and disorganization. For items that I had a hard time getting rid or that did not serve a practical purpose, I took a picture of it then gave it away.
My next task was clearing off the family computer. It had been a couple years since we turned on the big, beige monitor that sat in the corner collecting dust. After starting the computer up, on the desktop was a file titled “Mom.” There were over a dozen word document files inside. Some of the files were our old Christmas lists and a log of some of the uncomfortableness my mom wrote about while she was going through radiation. But then I found one letter that I will cherish forever. In this letter I read my mom talking about death and the acceptance of her condition. After reading it I sat at the computer crying. No amount of clothes or materialistic items can bring me the same amount of comfort than reading words that had been typed from my mom about the subject of death.
When someone we love very much dies, we want to keep everything they own. And as time goes on, we slowly give their items away. I think it’s healthy when we allow ourselves and others to clear things away at our own pace. For me, stumbling upon that letter means so much more now than if I had gone through the files a couple years ago.
We will never forget our loved ones. But how much of these items are holding us back from making room for new memories with family and friends who are still alive today?
What words will you leave behind for your loved ones?
37 Comments
Lauren
What a touching story , words are so powerful and the ones we leave behind very meaningful. Thank you for sharing .
Joe
Thanks Joe! All the stories you tell and the advice you give are words I will always keep with me
Lauren,
I’ve always loved the quote from Winnie the Pooh. Good-byes, especially after death, are difficult and challenging to are hearts. I understand your uncomfortableness with closure and I admire your willingness to move forward even if it is one article and possession at a time.
Hey Chris! Thanks for your support through my process of house cleaning. I appreciate your honesty and how you’ve kept me accountable for staying on track!
Lauren,
I think this article will help a lot of people, it is true that holding onto to “things” will never replace the memories those “things” really bring us back to. Thank you for sharing this personal journey you made, I know it will help me let go of some things I have held onto whether its from loved one’s that have died or old relationships, experiences ect.
Thanks Jenn! You’re so right how we can still hold onto possessions from any kind of relationship we’ve had with someone close.
Lauren . . You have touched me with your sweet words of love and emotion. My heart is broken . . . but in a good way. You have revealed a part of yourself that can bring so much to others. I am amazed by the depth of your story, and how it has brought you to this place we call home (O’Connor’s). You are a chosen one – and we are the very fortunate recipients of your grace and your compassion. I am honored to know you, and I want you to know that I have heard from many families that you have assisted, of how caring and kind you were to them. Your experiences, though not in length of time, have been life changing. I can see that clearly in you.
Thank you for sharing from your heart. Thank you for using your memories to guide you in walking this journey of healing . . . your own and that of others.
Blessing to you always,
Pat
Aww Pat, wow, thank you so much! You have such a caring heart! I’m so grateful that I get to work with you and can call O’Connors my second home.
Serving families and helping them is my way of giving back to those who have helped me through this journey. Thank you for all that you do here!
Lauren,
Your thoughts and words made it very easy to visualize what your experience was like. I compliment you for your strength to wait, and then when the time was right for you, to then take on the task of memories and giveaways. Waiting is important, too soon, and later one may second judge items that were rashly given away and feel belated sadness for what was lost. Waiting too long, may unnecessarily reopen emotions that were already dealt with and let go at their proper time. Keeping a few keepsakes is good for they are yours. Giving away others means that you can allow yourself, for someone else’s sake, to feel and be happy for all the good that may come of it.
But nobody can teach us this sense of timing…each must discover it on their own. A mental door opens, we take a deep breath and say “yes, I am ready for this task”. We are secure enough to accept the energy and emotions that will come with it, for we know that they will come. The past can be easy and it can be hard but it is what it is and it will not be boxed up nor controlled. You do not always remember what you will find. You are not always prepared for what you will sense or feel, whether it be easy or hard.
It was a monumental task when my parents passed, as there was much that was old. Much that had stayed the same since I was a kid growing up in our house in Encino. (Think time warp). Much to too easily pull and almost lock one up back in the past if not too careful. Going through the history of one’s life, especially if you do it alone, can be a difficult thing. We must remember things…we must accept things…for now they can never be changed.
Have I dealt with this completely? No. A number of things are squirreled away in my house in closets and boxes…waiting for the time of retirement and the fun of putting them on E-Bay to see who might find them to be a valued treasure.
I hope that you have saved a few materialistic treasures for yourself, but not too many. For it sounds like your heart is already full of the treasure of your mom.
Greg Forster
Thanks Greg, well said! When you do decide to go through the boxes, let me know, I would love to hear about it!