Not an Earthquake After All, Just a Nightmare: A Cancer Journey

Not an Earthquake After All
This is Part II of my story. To read Part I, click here.

Lou, my husband, not only had an inoperable tumor on his lung, he also had a brain tumor that had metastasized to the cerebellum.  It was all through his blood stream and would continue to settle where it wished.

“How long do I have?”  Lou asked.  “8 to 12 weeks” she said gently.  2 to 3 months??  This could not be real.  We walked to the car, and I said, “We take longer than that to plan our trips to Michigan every year!”

Lou said, “Babe, if she would have said we had longer, I was going to tell you to book us for a trip to New Zealand and Australia immediately,”  (Lou didn’t like to fly any more,  but knew these were my dream trips). “The problem is, I am getting weaker by the day and would be afraid to be so far from home, not knowing what is next.”

It was nice to hear, but it was also a dream down the drain. A dream that suddenly meant less than nothing in light of what we were experiencing.

Before we knew it, we were spending the next few weeks riding to full-brain radiation treatments and, compliments of my compassionate boss, escorted in the mortuary limousine to Ontario every afternoon.  The radiation didn’t hurt beyond a bad sunburn effect, but wore Lou out even more.

I was emotionally drained, but was still trying to put in several hours of work each day once April, our daughter got there to relieve me at home.  She became my rock.  We both were Lou’s. Lou could no longer be left alone.  The anxiety levels were huge and only diminished when I was in his eyesight.  We struggled like this for about a month when I finally just went on family leave.  April continued to be there a part of every day.

Photo Courtesy of ©

Photo Courtesy of ©

The more I learned about Lou’s cancer the more discouraged I became, so I purposely stuck my head in the sand as much as possible.  After all, it was my job to keep all of our spirits up. I started looking for our miracle.

I spent evenings and late nights researching and buying everything that sounded like it could help or heal Lou. We would beat this thing by doing every healthy thing that made sense and praying hard for God to make it work.  We would start right after radiation.

When radiation was complete, the doctor said Lou needed to start chemotherapy of the chest the following day.  “What will that buy me in time?” he asked.  “No more than 2-3 months,” she said.  “Not a good trade, is it?” said Lou.  “We won’t be doing that.”

“Then I will start you on Hospice tomorrow,” she said.

Hospice.  I knew what that meant: this was it.  I began to realize every time my head was resting on Lou’s shoulder it was a time bomb and it was probably going to go off sooner than later. We had so much to talk about, yet Lou was getting less and less verbal.  He was internalizing a lot of what he was thinking and feeling and the increased medications were making him less sharp.

This was becoming a nightmare of epic proportions.

Photo Courtesy of ©

Photo Courtesy of ©

Lou sat down with me when we got home. “There will be no protocols to follow, no zapper, no cleanses.  If you want to juice or have me do other natural things to keep up my strength as long as possible, I will drink whatever you put in a glass.  But send the rest back if they will take it.  Otherwise, dump it.”  With tears welling up I said, “Why won’t you let me try?” He said, “If I die anyway, you will always blame yourself. This way, I am just in God’s Hands, not yours.”

Always, to the end, thinking of me first, looking ahead 8 moves and moving the pieces in his mind and foreseeing the outcome. I had always trusted Lou to study the moves of our life and give me his logic. Now, in spite of all I wished for and had bought to help him, his answer was “no.”  And once again, though this time it broke my heart, I trusted him.

Have you been in a similar situation?

Did you insist on trying what you thought would help, or did you let your loved one decide?


Have you been faced with the news your loved one is now on hospice?

Did it make you feel like giving up?


Do you know someone who is walking this walk right now?

How can you show extra support during this holiday season?

Molly Keating
Molly Keating
Hello! I'm Molly and I run & manage the Blog here at O'Connor. I grew up in a mortuary with a mortician for a father who's deep respect for the profession inspired me to give working at a mortuary a try. Work at O'Connor has brought together two of my deep passions, writing & grief awareness. In 2016 I earned Certification in the field of Thanatology, the study of Death, Dying and Bereavement. I am honored to be able to speak on these taboo topics with knowledge, compassion, and a unique perspective. I want to sincerely thank you for following & reading the blog, I hope that this is a healing place for you.


  1. Carrie Bayer says:

    Sweet Anne, thank you for telling the rest of your story. As I read it, I was remembering the way I saw it play out & I’m so grateful that I was a small part of it. Lou has always been a special guy to me & you allowing me to help in the ways I could was priceless. Thank you so much, I love you dearly…. XOXOX Carrie

    • Anne says:

      Dear Carrie
      You were right there with us in so many precious and caring ways. Lou and I were blown away. He always cared a lot for you and even more so once he got so sick. I will always remember you for your generosity and willingness to help us. You are really an amazing woman.

  2. Mark says:

    Anne….Thank you once again for opening up to share your very personal struggle that you and Lou had with cancer….your love, devotion, caring, and determination serve as a great example to many…thank you, Mark

    • Anne says:

      This whole year was so challenging, not only for me, but for you. We serve better because of our personal struggles, I do believe. I know how much you care for your families and I am thankful we have each other to lean on here at work.
      You are a blessing to me.

  3. Anne says:

    I didn’t see this post until today. Appreciate your love and prayer support from the Ukraine. It has been almost a year now. Can’t believe it. Be safe, my friend.

  4. Kari Lyn Leslie says:

    I love you more that words can adequately describe here. I can’t imagine going through this. Thank you for sharing your intimate experience with us. You are blessing so many with your journey.


    • Anne says:

      Thank you, Kari.
      I know that God does what He does for a reason. We don’t know why. We can’t live forever here, but I am, as you are, sure of an eternity where we will. I know that is where Lou is and that assurance means so much. It is wonderful to know that even though he cannot come back to me, I will, in God’s perfect time, go to be with him.

  5. Patricia Kolstad says:

    Annie . . thank you for sharing this very sad time with all of us. Though I have not had that experience with watching a loved one actively die, you have shown us how this is done with love, grace and compassion. I watched from afar how you never gave up hope, how you trusted in the Lord to provide answers, whether they be good or not so good. We are all better for having you in our midst. Watching you honor Lou with devotion and love unending. Thank you for your story. It has touched many lives.

    • Anne says:

      Just found this comment. Not sure why I didn’t get notified. Can’t believe it has been almost a year. A hugely difficult one, but I must say, God has been faithful. Doesn’t take away an ounce of the pain, but there IS comfort.

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