A Buddhist Memorial Service: Making Time to Remember Years Later
It is Buddhist practice to hold a memorial service for loved ones every set number of years after their death.
Recently, my family and I gathered for a memorial service for not just one family member but 3: my grandpa, grandma, and mom. My grandpa died 14 years ago, my grandma 6 years ago, and my mom 5 years ago. Traditionally, these services consist of chanting, incense offering, and a message by the reverend. The service functions as a time for you to meditate on the memories of the one who died and to recognize the impermanence of our own lives. When the service ends, we all have lunch together to continue to share stories.
However, this memorial service for my family was a little different.
My aunt asked everyone who was coming to the service ahead-of-time to write out a favorite memory or story about my grandpa, grandma, or mom. One-by-one my aunt received email after email of unique stories and memories from all the people that had loved my family.
On the day of the service, her and I stood up front and read what everyone had written. Hearing those stories sparked so many other memories that we hadn’t remembered for a long time. There were even stories that we had never heard before, like how my grandpa asked my brother to make coffee and instead of using the coffee-measuring spoon, my brother used a measuring cup. Lots of the stories had us laughing really hard and others made us miss them all over again.
It felt good to hear those stories during the service. It was nice to see my grandma’s youngest sister laughing as she remembered the quirky things my grandma did. It was moving to see the eyes of my dad and my mom’s sister get teary as they heard the many stories about my mom.
What was significant about this event is simply the fact that we got together to talk about my grandparents and my mom. Listening to the stories brought me comfort because it showed me that my grandparents and my mom were not forgotten and others still missed them too.
Our mortuary talks a lot about the significance of ceremony and the healing moments that take place when family and friends come together when someone has died. Hearing those stories during the service was something our family needed. It was touching to see that people took time out of their schedules to support us and to keep the spirit of my grandparents and mom alive.
It’s never too late to have a memorial service for the ones we love and I encourage you to have family and friends gather together again and remember. It can be as simple as getting together over a meal but to know for that event everyone is given the opportunity to express their loss will continue to heal hearts.
Dr. William Hoy says it best, “A nation that does not honor its dead will ultimately lose its reverence for life. If the dead do not matter, it will not be long until the living do not matter either.”
Continuing to come together years later, or decades later, to remember and celebrate loved ones can be just as, or even more, meaningful for family and friends to experience.
|| what do you think?
What things do you do to remember a loved one?
Have you ever wanted to hold a service like this but felt held back?
How does your family take time to remember your loved ones?
41 Comments
Hi Lauren,
I love your faith tradition of holding memorial services every so many set years after a loved one has died. For those of us who have lost someone close, I think that one of our biggest fears is that we will begin to forget our loved one. How special that you got to read and hear so many wonderful stories about our grandparents and your Mom, and what a beautiful tribute to each of them.
Thank you for sharing your family’s special moments with us. Your blogs always bring tears to my eyes and help me on my own journey.
Becky
Thank you Becky! It means a lot that my posts help people.
Lauren,
What an incredible gift it is when we pause and remember. When we take the time to stop and be still in this hustle and bustle world it allows us to connect and re-connect to what is most important. A wonderful tradition to continue to gather and remember as a family, those that have gone before us. It is one thing to be told about the significance of a healing ceremony or trained to communicate that to our grieving families as an arranger. But another thing all together when you live it and experience it yourself. Now you can communicate the importance of having a healing and meaningful ceremony to all families you serve with confidence, knowing how true it is. Lauren you are a great director and arranger and an even better person! Keep up the wonderful care and hard work you do for our families everyday!
Chuck
Aww thanks Chuck! Going through the experience of a memorial service a couple years later has been powerful and definitely something every family should do.
Hi Lauren –
Your faith tradition has so many deep, meaningful rituals. The memorial service for your family is a beautiful, I believe you are keeping the relationships alive. There is so much mystery in life & death, we cannot fully understand it, yet there can be just as much hope.
Sad to say we don’t have any real tradition after the funeral is over, other than retelling some funny stories from time to time. Thank you for sharing wit us! Great blog
“There is so much mystery in life & death, we cannot fully understand it, yet there can be just as much hope.” Beautifully said. Hope recharges the human spirit and allows us to see the greatness in things.
Hi Lauren,
Thank You for sharing. I think it is so great that your family has this tradition to come together to continue to celebrate and honor the life of loved ones so close. It must be such a comforting experience to come together and share stories that after so many years, you are hearing for the first time. How lucky you are to have such a priceless tradition.
Thanks Elsa! Not until I started working here did I realize that this is something that is not very common. But it can be something that doesn’t have to be religious and just a time to gather.
Lauren,
It is such a blessing to hear of the wonderful tradition that your faith offers to all of us who might consider borrowing the practice for ourselves. I love the simplicity behind the gathering and the significance of remembering. I do pray comfort for you and your family as you continue the journey that is this life with its mixture of dark and light, sadness and happiness.
Many blessings be yours as you touch the memory even of the event that you were able to take time to savor the sweetness of what you shared with those three very precious people in your life.
Jeff
Aww thank you Jeff, your words of support mean a lot!