Admit It … You Deserve a Funeral
If you’re like me you’ve heard many of the older people in your family say things like, “Don’t fuss over me when I die,” or, “When I’m dead just throw me in a ditch.”
We accept their statements as expressions of not wanting to burden their family with the planning, cost, etc … but what are they really saying to us when they throw these quips out?
I think what they’re really saying is … “I’m not sure if my life mattered enough … I’m not worthy of anyone’s time … Would anyone go to my funeral? … Will someone please tell me I mattered!”
At least, that’s what I hear.
I don’t know a soul that isn’t horrified at the stories on the news where a body is found in a ditch – it’s tragic, unthinkable, and disrespectful. So, is that what these people think they deserve? While I desperately hope no one feels that way, I know that some do.
These sentiments can become problematic for the person’s family as well. Many of our families are looking to honor the wishes of their loved one and when permission is not given to honor the body or “fuss” over them, the family can feel guilt when more is wanted or deny their grief-needs altogether.
From what I have observed, families who do want to have a ceremony of some kind have had moving or significant prior experience. There, sadly, seem to be more families who have had the opposite experience. Perhaps they attended a funeral where the officiant said the wrong name, or they just find the experience too boring or sad. They have been denied the experience of a “good funeral” and therefore skip all manner of ceremony. Their last act in honor of their loved one is a signature in an office when it could be waiting with the casket as it is lowered into the earth, or escorting their loved one to the crematory and being present for the moment of release.
So why do we say things like “throw me in a ditch” and laugh? and what does it imply about our emotional approach to death?
I think at our core, there is a deep desire we have for others to make much of our lives. We have a need to matter and a great part of “being at peace,” I believe, is knowing with certainty that other lives were better because of ours.
Let me share a story I read in Doug Manning’s book “The Funeral” where he talks about his own father whose only wish was for the stereotypical pine box plus ditch. Doug comments that this is something “all men seem to feel the need to say, even though they don’t mean it.” He goes on to say, “I finally told [my dad] that the funeral was my gift to him and, if he did not mind, I would decide what kind of gift I would give. He was pleased and relieved. From that day on, we had to go through the funeral step-by-step every time I was with him.” (p. 19). He gave his dad the gift of knowing that someone would make much of his life, that someone wasn’t going to toss him in a ditch because his life really mattered.
I wonder how many families would come through our doors with a different mindset if they had only said to their loved one, “Look, we want to have a funeral for you, you’ve meant so much to us and we want to come together and remember you through stories, your favorite songs, and things that remind us of you. Please, let us do this.”
Wouldn’t that be a lovely conversation to have?
Beyond the fact that each of our lives (in my opinion) have mattered, it’s been statistically shown that families (especially children) who participate in a funeral ceremony for a loved one have a dramatically healthier grief journey. They are guided into acceptance through the ceremony vs. left in a world of denial without any signifier that the death has really happened.
I know blogs like these won’t change everyone’s mind but I do hope you will at least think about how each of our lives matter and find new ways to value and honor the ones you love.
|| what do you think?
– Would a conversation like that change your mind?
– Is there anyone in your life you have said something like this to or wish you had?
– Do you want a service or nothing? How come?
28 Comments
Molly,
I agree with all you said here. Hopefully some people after having a conversation like this would change their mind about not having a service. Unfortunately I think a lot of people just don’t want to think about death at all and want it all over and done with without having been a part of any of it. I think that cost is also a huge factor. Even if people hear that there is value in ceremony, and believe it to be true, they may still opt for no services due to expense. This is so sad because it will have an affect on many lives, not honoring their loved ones in a way beneficial to their healing, but hopefully we can change that by bringing meaning back to services(especially with the celebrant piece!)
Molly,
Enjoyed your blog post. I have actually had this conversation with my parent several times and now have recently had it with my in laws as well. Because they know I am a crematory operator as well, they joke that I’m just going to stick them in the oven and burn them. And that is it! I used to laugh about it when they used to say that and now I simply tell them that that is ridiculous. I have actually said to them what Doug Manning said to his father before I even knew of his book. As they get older, they are starting to understand what the meaning of having a funeral and honoring them would mean to us, especially, psychologically. My parents and in laws say they don’t want to think of it, death that is. Our conversations usually end with me saying, “Listen, the funeral service is not for you, it’s for us, for your friends, for everyone who had the privilege of knowing you!”. That usually end the conversation.
Joanna
Hi Molly,
Thanks for another thought-provoking blog! I can’t help but be idealistic and imagine what a better world it would be if more people chose to have funerals for their loved-ones. We know through both current research and studies of civilization since the beginning of time that funerals do matter.
I love the quote “Funerals are about the deceased but FOR the living.” We are innately designed to be surrounded by community at a time of loss. Anyone who has experienced the death of someone close to them knows how that support lifts them up at a time when they feel they simply cannot go on.
Yes, we have had these important conversations within my family and we all agree that we are a family who believes in the value of funeral.
Becky
Molly,
Wonderful sharing. My favorite quote came from my father who told me to “Chop him up and feed him to the squirrels.” I told him since squirrels do not (generally) eat people, he would have to suffer, in death, through a memorial service. Thankfully for my daughter, I planned out my viewing, funeral and cremation in advance. I WILL have a funeral even if no one but the mortuary staff are in attendance!
Hi Molly
I hear this all the time from families I serve and even in conversation out side of work. It makes me sad when people say this because the first thing that comes to mind isn why would you not do anything. How can someone live an entire life and not have their life celebrated in one form or another. I am a strong believer of ceremony and service with viewing.
Elsa,
You are in such a unique place to change people’s perceptions and help them see that ceremony matters. It is amazing to me how Funeral Arrangers like yourself can testify again and again to the power of ceremony and yet, we still see so many families who won’t trust your word. I’m s glad to have on our team believers like you, thank you for creating the ceremonies you do!
Molly