Blog

How Much Does Cremation Cost in Laguna Hills, CA?

Fri, 10 Apr 2026 18:51:41 GMT

Summary

• Cremation costs can vary depending on the type of service selected and level of care involved.

• National data shows direct cremation is typically the most affordable option.

• A memorial or funeral service with cremation can increase the overall cost.

• Planning ahead helps families understand options and reduce stress.

How Much Does Cremation Cost?

Families in Laguna Hills, California, often ask how much cremation costs and what influences pricing. According to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA), the national median cost of a funeral with cremation is approximately $6,280, while direct cremation typically ranges from $2,800 to $3,000. These figures are based on the 2024 General Price List Study and are accurate as of 2025.

Direct cremation generally includes the cremation itself, basic professional services, and required documentation, without a formal ceremony. When families choose to include a memorial or funeral service with cremation, additional services and facility use may affect the total cost.

Why Cremation Costs Vary

Cremation costs can vary based on service options, merchandise selections, and location. Some families prefer a simple arrangement, while others choose services that reflect personal, cultural, or religious traditions.

Local operating expenses, staffing needs, and regulatory requirements in the Laguna Hills area may also influence pricing.

Helping Families Plan Ahead

Many families find peace of mind in planning cremation arrangements in advance. Preplanning allows individuals to explore options, document wishes, and reduce stress for loved ones.

Funeral professionals are available to guide families through available choices with clarity and compassion.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is cremation typically less expensive than burial?

Cremation is often less expensive because it typically does not involve cemetery property, burial vaults, or caskets. Total costs depend on the services selected.

Can families still hold a service with cremation?

Yes. Families may choose to hold a memorial or celebration of life before or after cremation, depending on their preferences.

What does direct cremation usually include?

Direct cremation typically includes transportation, basic professional services, required documentation, and the cremation itself, without a formal service.

Written for O'Connor Mortuary, proudly serving families in Laguna Hills with compassion and care.

About O'Connor Mortuary

O'Connor Mortuary has a long-standing tradition of serving families in Laguna Hills and surrounding communities with compassionate, personalized care. Their team is committed to helping families navigate important decisions with clarity, respect, and professionalism. O'Connor Mortuary is located at 25301 Alicia Pkwy, Laguna Hills, CA 92653 . Families can call (949) 581-4300 to speak with a caring professional for guidance and support.

www.oconnormortuary.com

How Much Does a Funeral Cost in Laguna Hills, CA?

Fri, 10 Apr 2026 18:46:03 GMT

Summary

• Funeral costs can vary depending on the type of service, personalization, and regional factors.

• According to the NFDA, the national median cost of a funeral with burial is $8,300.

• A funeral with cremation has a lower national median cost of $6,280.

• Planning ahead helps families make informed and thoughtful decisions.

How Much Does a Funeral Cost?

Families in Laguna Hills, California, often ask how much a funeral may cost and what influences pricing. While every service is unique, national data provides a helpful starting point.

According to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA), the national median cost of a funeral with viewing and burial is around $8,300. A funeral with cremation has a national median cost of about $6,280, based on the 2024 General Price List Study. These figures are accurate as of 2025.

Funeral costs often vary depending on the type of service selected, the use of facilities, and the level of personalization chosen. Services typically include professional care of the deceased, guidance from the funeral director and staff, coordination of arrangements, and transportation.

Some families may choose burial with a traditional viewing, while others may choose cremation followed by a memorial service . General merchandise selections may also influence the total cost.

Taking time to ask questions and plan ahead can help families understand their options and make decisions that align with their wishes.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is typically included in funeral costs?

Funeral costs often include professional services, care of the deceased, use of facilities, and transportation.

Are cemetery costs included in funeral pricing?

Cemetery-related expenses are typically separate from funeral home charges and are not included in NFDA averages.

Does planning ahead help manage funeral costs?

Yes. Planning ahead allows families to explore options and make informed decisions in advance.

Written for O'Connor Mortuary, proudly serving families in Laguna Hills with compassion and care.

About O'Connor Mortuary

Families in Laguna Hills, California, can turn to O'Connor Mortuary for caring and professional guidance when planning funeral and cremation services. Located at 25301 Alicia Pkwy, Laguna Hills, CA 92653 , their staff can be reached at (949) 581-4300.

www.oconnormortuary.com

50 Years Ago Our Doors Opened on Alicia Parkway …

Thu, 29 Jan 2026 05:00:00 GMT

Kids and Their First Funeral: How We Prepared Them & How it Went | Part 2

Thu, 12 Jun 2025 04:00:00 GMT

Kids and Their First Viewing: How We Prepared Them & How it Went | Part 1

Wed, 19 Feb 2025 05:00:00 GMT

This is Part 1 of a Series on Kids & Funerals

…

My dear 90 year old Grandma died in September. Her last 4 years were fraught with ever-increasing dementia, limited mobility, and loss of speech. Despite the losses, with every visit she smiled, giggled, teared up seeing me, and truly remained a joy to be with until the end.

I found out about her death in front of my kids. They saw the instant, real and painful tears. I didn’t try to hide them because when someone you love dies, it’s normal to cry. My kids are 8, 5, and 2; they were uncharacteristically silent, quickly found Kleenex for me, slowly had questions, and later, drawings of hearts and words of love were gifted to me.

We talked a lot about grandma, GG to them, short for great-grandma. Once plans for her funeral were made for the following week, we started talking about what the different ceremonies would be like. We bought appropriate clothes for the kids and boarded a plane to Washington.

The viewing was the first ceremony and there were 3 hours scheduled for it. Knowing our kids (and our own limits!), we decided to just go for the last hour. On the way we talked more about what they would see and also chatted about their day, cousins, and where we were going to dinner after. We kept it light, told them some people might cry and that that is normal and ok. We also asked them if they wanted to go in and, yes, each of them (the two who could understand) wanted to be there.

In preparing them for what the viewing would be like, we said things like this:

“We are going to go to see Grandma at the funeral home. She will be in a casket, a long wooden box with a soft bed inside. She’ll be laying down in the casket wearing beautiful clothes that auntie picked for her. It will look like she’s sleeping but she died so she isn’t sleeping and she won’t wake up.”

We knew that dealing in honesty with them was the right thing to do. Would you feel safe is someone was lying to you? No. It would confuse and complicate everything for them if we lied, covered up, or pretended nothing was happening. So, we were clear, honest, and to the point. It was calming for all of us even if it felt blunt to say.

They asked lots of questions that we had simple and short answers for but at no point was there fear or dread. It helped of course that this was their great-grandma, GG, and someone they weren’t incredibly close with. But still, seeing someone that has died is odd and can be really hard and this would be their first time.

I didn’t know how they would act, here’s what happened:

When we arrived I led the way for them and let them take their time and be where they were comfortable. Do you know where they wanted to be? Right with GG. By her casket, looking in at her, they were calm, quiet, and would ask questions followed by silences. The little boys had monster trucks and took breaks from being with her to play and crash their trucks. The girls played games of hide-and-seek in the lobby outside and greeted other family members that came. They would break away for a bit, and then come back to be with grandma for a few minutes before playing again. It was a perfect balance for all of us. The fun of little kids juxtaposed to the gravity of the moment and the loss of a pillar in our family allowed all of us to move between our grief and the joy of her legacy.

A particularly “kid” moment happened when my darling niece greeted my cousin saying, “You’ve got to come see GG, she’s not even breathing!” We all laughed at the innocence and truth of her words.

Perhaps the most surprising element for me was each of the kids reached out and touched her hands before we left. They were unafraid, at peace in her presence, and the only terrible part was that my grandma wasn’t alive to see them there. She would have laughed the whole time and enjoyed every moment.

It was a remarkable thing to put into practice the wonderful teaching and advice I’ve received over the years as a thanatologist. I knew my energy would inform theirs. And while I was sad, I wasn’t afraid or anxious about my experience or theirs. I knew that they would appreciate the truth rather than be kept from it. When they asked questions, I was intentional to only answer the question as factually as I could. Adults like to over-explain things but kids don’t need that – they need us to just answer what they are asking. Death is uncertain and can be scary for anyone. With kids, we need to trust that they will only ask about what they are ready for. If they have more questions and are ready for more information, they will ask.

Being almost 6 months out from that experience, I can tell you that my kids have had nothing negative to say about their time with GG. They were given the respect of participating because they are her family and they knew and loved her. It’s a strange thing to say, but I will be forever grateful that my grandma was the first dead person my kids saw. Her death yielded a graceful path for the children in our family to walk as they saw death and grief for the first time.

The Grief of Watching Your Home Burn

Thu, 09 Jan 2025 05:00:00 GMT

The Grief of Watching Your Home Burn …

In the wake of the ongoing and devastating fires here in Southern California, it felt appropriate to write about the grief we have been plunged into.

We have a tendency to minimize loss in order to make it less scary and more distant. This is compounded when the loss consists of seemingly “replaceable” things. Non-death losses like the loss of a car, home, or personal item can be significant sources of staggering loss.

Most people do not experience loss on this scale. The loss of a home is devastating, the loss of every possession inside is heart-breaking, the loss of the entire neighborhood or city is unimaginable.

If you or someone you know is experiencing loss on this scale, you’re right in thinking your life will never be the same. And that is something to grieve. The road ahead is not going to be uniform, comfortable, or swift. This is grief territory.

At this point in our lives, most of us have experienced and grieved natural disasters and devastating world events. You may have some idea of how you move through your grief and what is helpful to you.

For me, last night I was driving my daughter to rehearsal and for the first time I caught a glimpse of the smoke. The sunset wasn’t visible, it was just a horizon of a thick smokey brown. As we kept driving the views kept showing more and more of the proof that LA was burning. From the seat in my car in my undisrupted life, I felt profound sadness in witnessing (from a great distance), evidence of this still blazing tragedy.

…

If you are a victim of this fire, it’s too early to talk to you about your grief – it is still taking shape. You are in the most chaotic and disorienting hours of your life. We are so sorry. Your community is trying to wrap themselves around you as best they can – let them. Take help. Hold hands. You aren’t alone.

…

If you are not a fire victim but finding yourself in need of an outlet for your sorrow or your energy and need to do something, below are a few ideas of what you can do:

Take in the information, pictures, and stories that you want but be mindful of when you need to take a break. Breaks are not only allowed they are necessary. We can’t all go through grief endlessly pouring over what was, we need to also connect to reality and what’s next.
Find a way to donate something. Clothing, money, time. All will be needed.
- If you want to contribute money toward a highly reputable charity with boots on the ground, Convoy of Hope is a safe place to consider.
- For a comprehensive list of donation ideas and locations, take a look at this LA Times link . There are places for clothing donation, centers taking critical items for babies and families, and opportunities to foster a pet now without a yard and home.
If you’re like me, you’ve never lived close enough to a disaster like this to do anything more than donate financially. There is a unique opportunity to do more if we are able. In the coming days and weeks opportunities will start to show themselves and we can be real sources of help in our community.

…

My hope in writing this is to validate the deep and aching pain we are collectively feeling with each firey photo and glimpse of the smokey horizon. Channeling that sorrow into supportive action is one of our most profound tools in working through grief. While we can’t restore these homes, neighborhoods, or possessions, we can care for the people.

In the wake of tragedy, we soften toward each other as our own fragility is shown to us. If there is any good thing that can come from these fires, let it be how we treat each other in the aftermath.

The Difference a Remembrance Service Makes

Thu, 19 Dec 2024 05:00:00 GMT

The Difference a Remembrance Service Makes for those grieving at Christmas

For the last 15 years I have attended the annual Candlelight Service of Remembrance for the families we have served. Each year is a mix of returning families from years past and families for whom this is their first tearful Christmas without their loved one.

The service has beautiful live music, a photo presentation of those being honored, a time when their names are read-a-loud, and finally, everyone stands and places a candle on the steps in memory. And then, after the tears, we all exit to treats and warm drinks and slowly, but always surely, conversations turn to stories and laughter and we all leave lighter and glad for the night.

This year I felt it deeply, the deep aching sigh of grief that somehow, after letting it happen, left me feeling able to go out and into the rest that December had to offer. In thinking about it, I realized that when we are intentional about taking time to mourn, we claim something: we allow our grief rather than avoid it . I hesitate to say we “take control” of our grief because I’m not sure that’s something anyone can do. But, practically, we know grief is there and if it’s there, we are wise to tolerate the pain and let it be.

I think it’s so appropriate at our Candlelight Service that everyone places a small candle in memory and together, they illuminate the dark with our love and grief. Seeing a physical representation of grief is powerful and then seeing that grief can create something beautiful is just poetry.

If you are grieving this Christmas and didn’t get to attend the Candlelight Service or maybe you did and you need something more, I would strongly encourage you to find a way to allow and tolerate your grief.

Making a plan for this can be so helpful.

Set a start and stop time or have a list of things you want to do to remember and honor. Having some parameters will help you find an ending that allows you to leave that grief space and take a break or be done for the night.
If you want to, ask a few others to join you or make a plan to be with them after your time of remembrance. The grief is so hard but being alone or believing you’re alone is often harder. The Candlelight Service reminds everyone how they aren’t alone. There are so many more people grieving than you could imagine. When we are willing to let our grief come up and connect us to others, we can see that it can be a way into friendship and shared understanding.
As far as what you can do to honor their memory: light a candle while listening to some soothing music, pick out or make a special ornament in their memory and place it on the tree, go through photos and say their name out loud. You can write down some of your memories about your loved one, or savor some of their favorite treats.

There are so many ways you can pause to remember. Allow the time to go the way you want it to – either planning it out or letting it build organically. You cannot do it wrong.

So, if you are feeling anxiety, worry, or sorrow approaching Christmas I encourage you to indulge those emotions, let them out. Take the deep sigh of grief, let it out and let it open you up to the hope and possibility of light and laughter this holiday season.

…

Grieving Who You Were and Who You Will Never Be

Thu, 10 Oct 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Grieving Who You Were and Who You Will Never Be

When death strikes, life changes. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Initially, everything focuses on the person who has died. They are the central figure who’s absence everyone is talking about and now needing to adjust to and it feels unbelievable and impossible. We go through the motions, tell the stories, see the friends and family, and go home and we’ve missed something. What we miss in the immediacy of grief and can miss if we aren’t paying attention, is what and who else has died. We begin to realize that we must now grieve who we were and who we will never be.

We are redefined by loss, never again to be the same.

In grief we are constantly assessing the steadiness of our new foundation; “What does this mean? Who was I and who am I now? Will I ever be ok again?”

The above and below are all different versions of “will I be ok?” and they are worth asking:

What does life mean to me now?

What would my loved one want me to do?

What can I do?

What can’t I do?

What has changed about me?

Who was I?

Am I still them?

Who am I now?

Who will I be?

Journaling through these questions can be extremely helpful to get down the scrambled thoughts and scattered feelings. Assess the damage. Assess the fear. Assess the hope.

What of yourself have you lost? This identity and dream-loss is the secondary side of grief that the griever alone has to mourn. It seems like it should be enough that we mourn our loved one, but no – we are all the time trying to understand and make sense of how their death affects and changes us. This is how you survive. The loss of a person central to your life will radically redefine what you are centered around. The loss of the future that was planned, the loss of all the assumed and hoped for days together, the loss of an entire way of being in the world all has to be reconciled. It’s more than just missing them, it’s grieving the fact that someone who knew you well is gone and now, you are less known and understood.

You are left in a life designed with someone else in mind that now has to be reconfigured and you didn’t want to reconfigure it in the first place.

This isn’t a fresh-start – it’s a forced restart.

While the questions above have a lot to offer but I think a question stands out that grievers deserve to ask themselves:

Who do I want to be?

This is a very important and persistent question. The answer may shift and change from day-to-day and that’s fine. But moving through your grief with intention is a beautiful way to honor your loved one.Thinking about who you are, feeling what you want to be, taking small, incremental steps into your new, forming self gives your life a focus, a meaning, and yields something new that you weren’t expecting. When you are intentional about your grief and about who you want to be it gets a lot harder to become stuck in the bitterness and isolation that can ensnare griever who aren’t diligent and attentive to their pain.

Allow something new, allow for change, allow for the pain and the growth together . Nothing in life is clean or easy; everything is “both, and …” This is just to say you will not wake up some magical morning knowing exactly who you want to be and feel grief-free with sunshine and butterflies outside your window. While I wish that for you, this will undoubtedly be a process full of conflicting feelings and steps forward and back. My hope for you is that you will be thoughtful as you grieve and mindful of what has shifted in you as a new perspective on life unfolds. Perhaps, on the other side of grief instead of a permanently shattered self, there can instead be a more compassionate, kind, and wise you .

…

Questions for you to sit with & journal about:

How has death changed you?

When you think about who you were before is it hard to recognize yourself?

What ways are you intentional with your grief?

The BIG Grief Days (and making it through)

Fri, 14 Jun 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Grief finds us anywhere and in all the ordinary ways. But there are days where it can seem to mount and build into something daunting and dreaded. These are the BIG Grief days – the ones we can anticipate – birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.

With Mother’s Day behind us and Father’s Day coming, we are in the midst of some BIG, shared, grief days.

I’ve been so touched by the inclusion of bereaved people that has started to make its way through Mother’s and Father’s Day. More and more social media posts honor and name those who may be grieving their parents or their child/children. This public acknowledgment links grief to these special days which, in my mind, makes them all the more special. Death brings about a perspective like no other.

As we continue to make way for Mother’s and Father’s Days that aren’t “happy” we make room for reality, the preciousness of time, and whatever your experience of these days may be.

Make a tribute
o Public: Many people are now sharing pictures of their loved ones with a special tribute on their social media. It’s a way of publicly acknowledging their loss, honoring their loved one, and normalizing grief. These posts are almost always helpful to others. When we acknowledge grief we create safe spaces for others to mourn.
o Private: Take time to type or write out some memories or key words that come to mind when you think of your loved one. If you’re among friends, make a toast.
Put up Photos
o Find special photos of your loved one and put them up for these grief days. You can decorate a wall or put a few in special spots in your home. The trick with this is giving yourself permission to put them away. I put photos up for the birthdays in our home and feel comfortable putting them away within the week or month of the special day. You don’t need to make your home a lasting shrine, but you can make it special and significant on the days when it feels right.
Do something in their memory
o This can be so simple – visiting a familiar place, playing a beloved board game, eating a favorite food, making a donation, sharing a kind word. There are endlessly unique ways we can honor the lives of our loved ones.

I know that for myself, simply doing nothing is almost never helpful. Our grief craves an outlet that requires us to act in some way. When we can get it out, write it out, say it out loud, share it, cook with it or simply open ourselves up to it – we are interacting with love on the flip side of all we wanted and had. These BIG grief days aren’t easy but you will make it to the other side.

Be gentle to yourself,

honor them in your own way,

what you are doing and feeling matters.

Seasons – is there a Springtime in Grief?

Thu, 28 Mar 2024 04:00:00 GMT

The older I get, the more familiar I get with the cycles and seasons we all move through. Whether they follow the calendar year or are internal or situational, we can feel confident that things end and new things begin.

I see Fall as the season of dying. Leaves fall away and we watch the glow of summer (the season of life) come to an end. Winter is the season of grief. The cold and dark of winter reenforce the lonely and difficult journey of grief.

But we all know that winter comes to an end. We are living in the blooming & bright evidence of that. So, it begs the question, is there a springtime in grief? I think we can all easily say – we hope so!

Let’s look at what a springtime in grief could look like.

First , it will not be a date on a calendar that you can schedule and look forward to. It will most likely come unexpectedly, slowly, and naturally.

Second , it won’t be constant sunshine and flowers. Spring is turbulent. It shows us growth, stunning days of sunshine, and days that can hold the duality of calm skies and thunderstorms.

Third , you will walk into seasons of growth – particularly after seasons of desolation. If the idea of a “spring” in the midst of your despair sounds repulsive, I want you to remember yourself and that you deserve a balance to the pain and loss with comfort and growth. Your grief will

The duality of grief is moving between the devastation of what’s gone and the dawning of what is to come.

…

So, is there a springtime in grief – I think there is. I think it finds everyone differently and slowly – but it does happen. Flowers return to all of our lives. The garden may change, things may grow in new places and never again in others – but your grief can be a fertile ground for beauty, life and connection.

…

All the Ways You’re Still With Me

Sat, 23 Dec 2023 05:00:00 GMT

If you are grieving this holiday season – we are so sorry.

Grief is likely not going the way you thought it would. That’s kind of how it is for a while.

Maybe you’ve had moments where you’ve felt your loved one is still with you – a special feeling of connection caught in the lighting of a candle or the notes of a favorite song.

Maybe it’s been the opposite, you’ve felt alone and in the dark. The whole idea of “feeling their presence” is craved but cynically seen.

I have this to offer: we find what we look for.

If you are looking to be alone – you will find signs that you are everywhere.

If you are looking for connection to your loved one – you will find signs of them everywhere.

When we are diligent to attune what we are looking for with what we want – we will find a world that is kinder and more beautiful.

So, if you want to feel that connection to your loved one, here are a few things to look for:

Their touches throughout your house. What things did they pick out or place around the home? Where is their imprint? There is very likely something they left behind that is still impacting you and shaping the world you see everyday.
Their words in your head. What phrases did they rattle off that are now part of your everyday vocabulary? What bits of wisdom continue to help you? What jokes still make you laugh? Their voice is still resonant.
Their connection to others. Think of the other people that are missing your loved one this Christmas. They are proof of that connection and they are hurting with you. Reach out to them in a simple way. A text saying, “I’m missing them today, and I know you are too” can help both of you inestimably.
Think of your future. How will your loved one come along with you into your future? It isn’t the way you had planned/hoped/dreamed – that’s all changed. But they can still come with you. Their love can guide you and accompany you, their spirit comfort you, their life can inspire your own.
Finally, look for them . Many people report seeing specific animals in moments they are thinking of their loved one – butterflies or birds. Some people feel breezes or find flowers that bring the presence of their loved one to them. So, look for them – see how they come back to you. It will be unique and special, just like your connection to each other.

We find what we look for.

May you find you are surrounded by love this holiday season.

…

The Opposite of “Happy Holidays”

Tue, 21 Nov 2023 05:00:00 GMT

How to Thoughtfully Cope with Grief and Gatherings

If you are facing the holidays in a way you’ve never faced them before, the word “HAPPY” may feel like it’s just everywhere, haunting and stinging you.

Grieving through the holidays is so very hard. You can’t avoid the days or the reality no matter how much you want to, it just has to be done. But, there are ways you can intentionally prepare yourself and thoughtfully move through the gatherings and expectations.

Here are a few ideas on how to cope and prepare for the holidays when someone you love will not be there:

Have a photo (or many photos) of them out, somewhere prominently in your home. Light a candle by their photo each evening. Being able to see them obviously brings them to your mind and having a candle to light is a simple but ceremonial act of care that brings in both light, beauty and warmth into the room.
Maybe don’t do the empty chair … I read recently about a widower’s first Thanksgiving without his wife and the empty chair he set out for her at their table. The pain and shock of that vacant space was too much for him to take. It’s one of those times where even with planning and thoughtfulness, the grief still overcame. That could happen to you – and that’s grief – and that’s ok. But sometimes these more grand ceremonial gestures can awaken more than we are comfortable with. Consider your limits as you think about ways to honor your loved one.
Talk about your loved one with a disclaimer. If you’re at a gathering, people may be afraid to talk about your loved one in front of you. You may need to help them. You could say something like this, “I am finding that it helps me to talk about my loved one with our friends.” or “It feels so much better to say their name and talk about them than to pretend they didn’t exist. It’s nice to talk about them with you.”
Think, anticipate, and feel it out. Deeply thinking and anticipating what is to come can be profoundly grounding. Talking with a close friend about your concerns or journaling about what you’re dreading are effective ways to give space and air to what is unsaid. When we bring our deepest fears to light, we can feel the support from our friend, or the courage to face the moment.

You will not do this perfectly. It will be hard. You will miss them so much.

No one knows what you are feeling better than you do. So, take this blog with that in mind. What I do know is you will not regret making the effort to do this well. You may even find that you are able to manage the holidays better than you thought you might.

You have never done this before, and chances are, your friends and family haven’t either. Take off the pressure, try, be open, and close off when you need to. Awareness will be key for you as you deal with the ever-present awareness that your loved one is gone.

Our hearts go out to you – the special ones grieving this holiday season. We wish it wasn’t this way. If you are looking for a way to grieve and honor your loved one this holiday season, we hope you’ll consider attending our Candlelight Service of Remembrance .

Wishing all of you a meaningful and special holiday season.

Don’t Pause Your Life to Heal

Wed, 30 Aug 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Casually scrolling through Instagram I came across a post from a therapist I started following during Covid. What I read sent off an alarm in my brain.

I didn’t know what to make of this but as I read on I started to feel the truth of what she was saying. In essence, the way that we talk about “healing” today implies a complete pause on everything we do until some miraculous point of healing is reached.

Therapist, Tory Eletto insists that no, we should not stop living in order to “heal” – whatever that might mean – but instead, we should do our healing as we are living. This idea reminded me of a hospice nurse ( Barbara Karnes ) who talks about how dying people are still living people. The two exist together, as odd as that may sound or seem. In the same way, just as we actively live , we actively heal .

It seems that what needs redefinition in this instance of what it means to heal.

1. Healing is not a destination, it is a journey. Eletto beautifully writes, “There is no healing that stops us from feeling pain, from making mistakes, from slipping into old parts of us. There is no healing that creates perfect relationship, or a pain free one.” I would add to that, there is no healing that makes things like they were before. Once we lose someone forever, we change forever. No healing reverses that loss.

2. Healing is not a singular act or objective. Healing is living – moving through each day, one at a time, with the courage it takes to face a new world and way of life. Every act of living in the wake of grief is an act of healing.

And I guess that’s the other part of healing that varies so strongly from how we see it or how we want it to be.

3. The process of healing doesn’t feel good. And because it doesn’t “feel good” we don’t think that that’s what is actually happening. It makes me think of my son and the scrapes he got on his knees over the summer. He fell pretty bad on a hot sidewalk and got those glossy kind of scrapes on both knees. After a few days, the really itchy scabs formed. He wanted to just take them off, but those itchy scabs were his skin’s way of actively healing. And this is where we make the final misconception about healing – that it’s when the bandaids come off that we’ve arrived.

4. Death is not a scrape or minor inconvenience we bounce back from after spa treatments and therapy. Death is a form of amputation – a catastrophic and life-altering loss where healing isn’t the goal – adapting is. With a death, we are forced to learn a new life. Putting on a bandaid and waiting for normal to return isn’t an option.

So, to echo @nytherapist , let’s “stop healing” and stop stopping to heal. Live. Keep doing your life, feeling your life, imagining and remembering your life. There is no magical healing-place here on earth where the pain of a death is erased or made ok. We live on, we keep crying and laughing, adapting to our new way of life, not knowing all the time that we are healing as we hurt, and hurting as we heal.

Grief is Connective Tissue

Thu, 22 Jun 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Grief is Separation

Grief is the product of loss and separation. We experience loneliness in our deepest places and even intangibly as we look to the future and find it already lonely. And as if a death-loss wasn’t enough, grief has this awful way of revealing and ending relationships. There are often surprising friendships that just don’t make it through the loss. And then there are the lasting relationships, maybe surprising ones that are brave enough to encounter your sadness with you. Not everyone can do that, most people don’t know how or don’t have the patience for pain. So there are compounded losses after the death loss. Death opens us up to a season of unexpected losses.

Grief Connects Us

In this suffering there is, hopefully, connectivity too. Grief often can bring people back together and offer a perspective that re-prioritizes relationships. There’s a beauty to this cycle of death clarifying life . When we allow that refreshing of our priorities to change our actions and thoughts, we allow something meaningful to come from the death of our loved one.

Something I hear over and over from people in grief is the importance of finding others that understand them. Finding “their tribe,” – whether that’s in a support group, a monthly breakfast crew, or a couple close friends you can text or call as the waves come – having these people make walking through grief possible. Some people think you need to find someone with the exact same grief-situation, and while some more complex losses like suicide or child loss can deeply grow from that shared experience, we all just need someone who has also endured that dreaded moment of death. Someone who has experienced that knows how to be with you as you begin to navigate life from that moment on.

This reminds me of the creatures in Harry Potter that can only be seen if you’ve witnessed a death. The “thestrals” are invisible to anyone who has not lost someone. The ability to see these creatures connects Harry to his friend Luna in a deeply personal way that matters very much to both of them.

Grief Offers a Path to Life

These bonds are only forged through the joint experience of significant pain. We never know when pain will find us. We will be surprised by who pain brings into and takes away from our lives. But always, always, there is the human desire to connect, belong, and be understood. When we are willing to be open enough to connect with others, we can begin to see that yes, death took away from us, and now death is connecting us back and into to a different life.

If you are looking for your tribe, do a google search of support groups, check out our page of local groups , take a look at online forums, bottomline: be brave. Hurting people want to be with other hurting people. It may take some time but you’ll find something. If you’re looking to fend off the loneliness and a grief group just sounds worse, consider book clubs, painting classes, anything at the YMCA – just get out into the world and start noticing other people.

You may not be ready to connect over your grief – give yourself a gracious space to find yourself ready. Or, you may be ready but there’s hesitation. Chance it. The worst has already happened! – the next worse thing is that you got your first attempt at stepping back in out of the way.

When we allow our suffering to connect us to others, we allow for another layer of healing to begin.

125 Years – Our Legacy

Tue, 18 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

The O’Connor family legacy is tremendous. We have served tens of thousands of families in Southern California since we opened our doors in 1898. Since then, we have grown to become one of the premier funeral homes in the country.

Our team is guided by our mission of Healing Hearts, Inspiring Trust, and Comforting Souls. This committed, holistic approach to funeral service is what sets us above and beyond.

A breakdown of this mission statement looks a little like this:

Healing Hearts – we know that stories need to be told and we make sure that we are there to listen. The art of listening is something our team practices to ensure we understand the unique life story and circumstance of each family coming through our doors. Listening is one of the greatest acts of healing we can offer.

Inspiring Trust – we prize transparency, professionalism, and attention to detail in every step of our service. We know that people in pain are in uniquely vulnerable states and we seek to support and guide them according to their needs as best we can.

Comforting Souls – there is nothing like what we do. We are a bridge for families where the journey with us takes them from one way of living into another. We can’t change anything about what happened – we are what we are because the worst has happened – and so, we look at what matters most and do whatever we can to bring meaning, healing and care to the souls in our doors.

Those are the beautiful intangibles that describe some of what goes on here at O’Connor.

What are some of the practical ways we ensure that O’Connor stands apart? It’s not something that comes up often, but since we are celebrating 125 years, we are taking the moment to shine the light on these unique efforts.

We are a family owned and operated funeral home and have been so continuously since our founding in 1898 . The O’Connor family has been at the helm of our company for 4 generations. We take tremendous pride in our ownership – it’s something that inspires us to always put our best forward.
We are a member of the exclusive group, Selected Independent Funeral Homes. This group is strictly comprised of family owned and operated funeral homes. Annually, we gather with our colleagues from across the country to share best practices, learn from each other, and find ways to improve the service and skills of our team.
We are coached by the Graystone Associates – an independent company that gathers surveys from our families to reflect back to us how well we are doing. Every family has a voice and every comment comes back to us. We pride ourselves on our standards of excellence and Graystone is one of the ways we measure and hold ourselves accountable to them.
We have grief educators on our team. Becky Lomaka and Molly Keating (me!) pursued and obtained their Certificates in Thanatology (the study of death and dying) from the Association of Death Education and Counseling. Having grief experts on our team gives our care a depth of understanding, a modern awareness of grief discourse, and challenges us to keep up with the times.

A testimony to the incredible work of our team can easily be found in our stunning online reviews. Below are some of the reviews that have absolutely blown us away just this year:

There are so many stories like these and they inspire us daily to do the hard work that we do. It is our highest privilege and honor to walk with families in the early days and weeks of loss. We are committed to doing our best because we so deeply want the best for our families.

Thank you for allowing us to serve our community for 125 years. Our legacy is the experience of every family we serve – it is something that truly cannot be measured. Our legacy is you.

Why Do We Tell Stories?

Thu, 09 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Stories are so important and to grieving people, stories can feel like everything.

After a death, stories immediately begin coming out as memories are recalled to preserve, cherish and underscore the values and quirks of the deceased. We also begin telling the story of their death and our experience of it.

But stories are about more than remembering. Whether we realize it or not, the past connects us infinitely to our present and our future.

Memory stories are connective tissue.

We tell stories about our loved one to maintain a connection to them, to the reality of their life, and to all that they continue to mean to us. In these stories our loved one continues to be with us. It is through stories that a legacy begins to take shape.

When I remember my grandpa, I tell the story of how he was a champion of my education. A life-long educator himself, he was the most excited for me to go to college (it also happened to be his alma mater). Before classes started, he took me to the university bookstore and bought me two gigantic CSULB sweatshirts, one in each color, to commemorate my acceptance. He shared the joy I felt in school and I will never forget the treasure of that connection.

Suffering stories are also connective tissue.

Telling the death story can be very important for grievers, particularly in the immediacy following the death. We verbally process what we don’t understand and we have to keep doing that until the story is known, familiar, accepted to whatever degree. Over time, the griever’s own story begins to unfold. The ups and downs, the painful holidays, surprise grief-attacks, and the first time they laughed again, felt ok, or forgot for a second about their loved one.

My grandpa died a few days after finals in the middle of my senior year. I was with him the night he died. We told stories about our favorite family memories, past christmases and hoped that he could hear us remember so many of the beautiful parts of his life. When I look back at that night, feel the power of writing about it again, I feel transported to the significance of that moment. Even in writing this I feel the shock of how many years it’s been since I’ve seen him. I feel the grief and love for him that I will always have. I don’t visit that pain as often anymore, but when I do, I’m grateful for the tears because I’m grateful for him.

Stories offer hope.

When we share about the hard things we’ve survived and endured, we can impart huge hope to people sitting in the early, miserable shocks of pain and grief. Silence is the killer, silence isolates, silence turns us inward. Stories open us to ourselves, help us put words to our feelings and movements, and help us to create something meaningful from our pain.

Why do we tell stories? To connect, to assure others they are not alone. We tell stories to mark that we have experienced extreme pain and are still here.

In closing …

The stories we tell matter deeply. In remembering a loved one, we revive their love and spirit and bring it back into the world. In sharing our suffering we bond with others in deeply personal ways that hold an understanding as unique as the suffering. These same stories, all of them, help to propel us forward as we walk with the memories close (just a few words away), and in stride with the suffering, knowing we are not alone.

What is the Goal of Grief?

Wed, 28 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

In our goal-oriented society, we want to finish grief, check the boxes on grief stages and cross the finish line. We think that grief ends and that a full-recovery is the norm.

If you’ve paid attention to the evolution in grief-theory, you know the problems with those expectations: 1) the 5 stages don’t apply to grief and are not representative of grief experiences (these stages were created by Kübler-Ross as she studied the ways terminally ill patients dealt with their diagnosis – not active grievers) and 2) we shouldn’t expect to ever be “done” grieving. Experienced grievers know that full-recovery is not possible and in fact, over time, not wanted. Grief becomes a part of us that we learn to live in partnership with.

So what is a realistic goal of grief?

Expect that grief will change you.

Grief is a transformative process.

Your daily life is dramatically effected in simple circumstantial ways.

Perhaps you’re now sleeping alone for the first time in decades, maybe the cook in your family is the one that died and now you don’t know what to eat, or the person you spoke with on the phone almost everyday is now gone and you don’t know who to talk to.

These are immediate ways that death completely changes the landscape of a life and painfully forces frequent confrontation with the loss.

Your future life looks completely different.

The trip next month is no longer happening – you don’t want to go alone. The support you thought you’d have around you as you aged now feels painfully lacking. The family vacation will never be the same.

These are the anticipated ways that grief continues to roll out in front of you effecting you and others beyond your afternoon.

Your interior life is in painful and unfamiliar.

The worries you had last week about what to have for dinner and when to wash the car feel unimaginable and trivial. The pain of loss is everywhere and the big-picture-problems and priorities of the world feel crystal clear. Our thoughts and actions change because we have changed.

Loss brings with it huge shifts in perspective and often opens us up to a vastly greater capacity for empathy.

So, what does grief accomplish and what should we expect from it?

Expect and welcome (as you are able) the change that is coming.
Know that “recovery” isn’t coming, but that learning to live with the loss is already actively happening.
Our grief takes us on highs and lows – we encounter great pain and great empathy, tremendous love and tremendous sorrow. Finding the middle ground is the process of healing and living in the balance between love and loss.

…

What has your grief taught you? How have you experienced transformation?

The Hard Call of End-of-Life Work (& How We Find Our Purpose)

Tue, 30 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Who would ever work at a funeral home? The stereotypes are creepy, the work is depressing, the tv portrayals horrifying. So why do people choose to work at funeral homes and what is the actual reality of working in a place like O’Connor?

At a meeting recently, I heard our CEO, Joe Fitzgerald say, “We are living transformational lives in a transactional world.” Read it again, slowly. It’s wonderful. And, it’s true.

The bar set for funeral home experiences is incredibly low. People often walk in highly skeptical, assuming the worst, and fearful of being taken advantage of. There’s a reason for all of that – it’s happened and it’s happened at a tragic rate.

But that doesn’t happen here. In a place where so many people expect a transactional experience, we are working against that expectation to provide transformative moments that help to transition families into the healing that happens alongside grief.

Our hope with every family we serve is that there is a genuine experience of comfort, guidance, empathy, encouragement, and honesty. A funeral will not fix your grief or put a period at the end of the sentence. But the acts of the funeral, telling the story, gathering with others, remembering, and saying goodbye are all pivotal experiences that help our bodies, minds, and hearts to move through the loss and into the different life that lies ahead.

As one our resident grief expert, Dr. Bill Hoy reminds us, “The death of a loved person is not a contusion , it is an amputation . No amount of rehab allows me to restore the limb that was lost and instead, I am left to adapt to the loss, perhaps now doing with one arm or hand what I used to do with two.” In that sense, I think that the people involved in end-of-life care, from nurses to hospice volunteers, to funeral staff and support group facilitators – all of these people make up critical elements of the physical, mental and emotional therapy that people need to deal with life after a death.

We are proud to be a part of a team that brings about therapeutic and transformational events. And yes, seeing funerals and grieving people day-in and day-out is exhausting and undeniably sad. It is a heavy place to work and show up to every day. There’s just no way around that. But death is a universal reality – and it’s our privilege to stand solidly in that reality with every person who walks through our doors.

At O’Connor, we are striving to bring meaning, healing, and transformation to a profound life experience that is too often left and allowed to be transactional.

…

If you are interested in joining us on this journey, there are many ways to take part. 1) Learn more about funeral rituals and about modern bereavement theory – there is so much that has changed with the growth of psychology. Understanding the needs and experiences of grieving people helps all of us to create the right space and appreciation for what the experience of grief requires. 2) If you are interested in working in the funeral profession, look at our job page – you might just surprise yourself. 3) Self-examine. Look at how much we are drawn to “fixing” and “getting over” things. In our culture, and I think in much of human nature, there is a desire to just get back to “happy.” When we accept that the honest life has more to it than the strict pursuit of happiness, we can get into the true, the real, and the transformative wisdom of really living.

The Next Time Someone Says “Just throw me in a ditch …” Say This …

Wed, 27 Jul 2022 04:00:00 GMT

We’ve all heard people say something like, “When I die, just throw me in a ditch,” or “Just put me in a pine box, I don’t need anything special.”

These usually light-hearted, humorous comments have a heavier connotation to them when we read between the lines.

My guess is that the people making statements like these are really trying to say, “please, don’t inconvenience yourselves for my sake.” There is care in these comments that is asking to not be a burden. But, what I also hear is, “I’m not worth your time or money. Please don’t spend resources on me. My existence doesn’t warrant anything special.”

When we hear it that way – there’s a need to pause. That is a heavy thing to say and a heavier thing to feel. While none of us want our families to suffer additional hardship in the wake of our death (financial stress, decision-fatigue, etc.), taking away the option for them to remember us can actually be very harmful in the long-run.

We’ve talked before about the mental & emotional benefits of going through ceremonies and setting aside time to honor and remember the special life of a loved one. Throwing someone in a ditch doesn’t check any of those boxes. Treating a loved one like trash to be taken out with no ceremony whatsoever, isn’t good for us as people who are asking the question all the time, “Do I matter?” You do and you are worthy of a ceremony.

When we hear people devalue or over-simplify the huge event of dying, it’s an opportunity to say something loving and demonstrate how much their life means to us.

So, instead of ignoring these statements or laughing at them, what if we said something like this:

“You know, you mean too much to me to do nothing. I love you and I’m going to make sure we have a special send-off for you. I want that and so will the rest of our family and friends. You matter.”

And just because you’re saying you don’t want to throw them in a ditch, doesn’t mean you’re going to the other end of having the most expensive funeral ever. There is always a middle way that appropriately honors your loved one, works with your budget, and provides the sacred space to love and remember them.

The Rabbit Listened: A Children’s Book on The Healing Power of Listening

Thu, 19 May 2022 04:00:00 GMT

“Listen. People start to heal the moment they feel heard.”

– Cheryl Robinson

…

Doerrfeld, Cori (2018). The Rabbit Listened . New York, NY: Dial Books for Young Readers.

…

Yes, this is a review and recommendation to YOU for a children’s book. It seems to me, the older we get, the more aware we are of the wisdom of children and the seemingly simple lessons they offer us.

The Rabbit Listened is a comfort book and a wisdom book. It is a precious reminder of the essential qualities needed in caring truly for our friends as they hurt.

If you are wondering how to “be there” for a friend after a terrible tragedy, buy this book for the two of you and talk about it, practice it, do it.

In a brief summary, the child, Taylor, builds an amazing tower of blocks. But then, a flock of birds comes through and topples this careful creation. Different animals enter in one-by-one with their own strategy for “helping” Taylor to cope with the loss of the tower. But Taylor doesn’t like or isn’t ready for any of these fixes. Taylor is finally left all alone.

Enter the rabbit.

The rabbit does nothing but stay close, and warm, and listen.

I don’t want to tell you the whole end, but it is a remarkable little story and one worth visiting the Children’s section of your local book store to finish. The ending is particularly poignant in our understanding of grief in that, Taylor does go on to move through some of the motions proposed to him earlier. The key is he does it in his own time and isn’t attached to anyone else’s agenda or timeline for healing or movement.

May we all be more like the rabbit: patiently waiting and without judgment or agendas. May we all be more like Taylor: willing to have boundaries and a determination to move when we are ready and not before. Finally, may we all be aware when we are pushing others to do what they aren’t yet ready for.
Sadly, many grieving people are given up on because their way of grieving doesn’t align with someone else’s opinion of how it should be. When we can be aware enough of our own expectations and lay them down for the sake of understanding and loving someone – we are doing our very best.

Grief: What is the Rush to be “Ok”?

Thu, 24 Mar 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The more I listen to bereaved people recounting their early days, weeks and months in grief, a consistent story emerges. Most of them can relate to or describe the pressure they felt (for some as early as the funeral!) to be healed, ok, and back to normal soon – a few weeks, couple months tops and definitely before Summer or Christmas.

This pressure to not grieve has complicated many grief journeys as people succumb to it and try to be “ok” when they aren’t. Using phrases like,

There was some closure at the funeral.
I just need to move on.
Well, I don’t want to live in the past.

Each of these can be a signal that this person is trying their hardest not to grieve but knows in their deepest self, that grieving is precisely what they need to do.

The clincher to this pressure is that it holds appeal.

What if I could be ok soon? Maybe I don’t have to really grieve this? Maybe there’s a shortcut or if I just pretend I’m ok, I’ll actually BE ok.

There is often a conflict for the bereaved person who longs for “normal”. The thing is, their normal is gone and that loss is the entire source of their grief.

So, grieving people live in this dance between wanting normality; joy, fun, regular living – and wanting to be in their grief. Grief can be a comforting source of connection with their loved one. Most grieving people who do the work of grief, hold their connection to the loss as a precious thing.

All of this conflicts with the desire we have in our society for people to be “ok”. This misplaced desire overlooks the fact that 1. Grieving people often want to maintain a relationship with their grief and 2. Grieving people are OK – they are doing exactly what they need to do in their life circumstance.

I can assure you that someone in grief does not want to stay there all the time or for their whole life.

There is a dual desire to live with the reality of their loss and to find joy and lightness in life again. Life has so much to offer and joy is available to anyone seeking it. The obstacle grieving people encounter is that their familiar path to joy has been shaken, shattered, or washed out completely. It takes time to assess the damage, design the new road, find the materials, and start construction. It’s a massive undertaking that doesn’t benefit structurally by rushing the process or cutting corners.

Grief becomes something we learn to live with and enfold into our life story. It doesn’t stay constantly achy, sharp and stingy – it resolves itself into our new normal.

To the person who is feeling the pressure to “move on” – I ask you, “What is the rush? Is hurry a wise move?”

To those who apply this pressure or just think this is how we should treat grief, – I ask you, “Why? What is the rush?” Letting a friend be honestly in their sorrow can be a very loving thing.

Pick a Number: Making it Through a New Year and the Hard Days Ahead

Wed, 26 Jan 2022 05:00:00 GMT

Pick a number between 1 and 60. Remember it.

…

For anyone who has recently experienced the death of a family member the idea of a “new” year doesn’t hold the sparkle it once did. Watching a new year open can feel sorrowful as it marks a measured space of time that that loved one will never exist in. It can feel very final and even like a severing of connection.

And now, making your way through a whole year filled with once special anniversaries, birthdays and tricky holidays like Valentine’s can feel very overwhelming.

We naturally think of resolutions when we think of the new year and if you are a grieving person (or just any person!) – you may have found the idea of a resolution particularly empty or meaningless this year.

Instead of a resolution, I stumbled across a beautiful idea from author and poet, Morgan Harper Nichols (MHN). She offered the idea of finding a word to hold throughout the year. It’s simple and available for you to do at anytime at the link here (you do need an Instagram account to see it). MHN curated a beautiful list of words for her followers to select at random by taking a screenshot as her word pictures whizzed by on the screen. I did this and it felt a bit like the word found me – a very sweet sensation and exercise where I couldn’t overthink it. For those that don’t want to get on Instagram and take a screenshot – I’ve written out her list of words below with the hope that one of them might find you.

…

Remember that number I asked you to pick? Go through this list and count to your number and whatever word you land on, that can be your word.

And if you would rather make a thoughtful choice on your own – please do.

My word is “Integrate” and I’ve thought about how and what I plan to intentionally integrate into my life this year. I want to actively “integrate presence” into my life in 2022 by practicing really being with people fully and undistracted. I decided that instead of making this a resolution – that this would be a word for my hear as MHN suggested. I’ve written it on my calendar on each month of the year so that it won’t be something I struggle to remember – it will be already waiting for me with each turn of the page.

I hope that whatever word you found will be something you can somehow hold on to through the year as I will be. I also hope that on the very hard days, your word will hold meaning and offer comfort to you.

Every one of these words can offer us pause, a reframing, and a way to help us connect to ourselves and others.

If you would like to share, I would love to know your word – you can leave it in the comments below.

Wishing you all a year of patience with yourselves and a year of thoughtful grief-work.

The Need to Remember

Fri, 17 Dec 2021 05:00:00 GMT

“I am thankful for your life.”

Wed, 24 Nov 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Each year I ponder what a grieving person might be thankful for in the wake of loss. Grief is so complex, something we must accept and something we rebel against with the pain of feeling “there wasn’t enough time.” Grief is often a state of flux between “ungratefulness” for what was lost or what will never happen and overwhelming gratefulness that time together happened at all.

If you are a grieving person, whether from a recent loss or one that you can still feel from long ago – below are a few phrases of thankfulness for us to offer and hold in this season of Thanksgiving.

Take a deep breath before reading the mantras below – center yourself – read slowly and pause at the end of each line.

Even in grief, I can find gratitude and peace.

I am thankful for your life.

I am thankful for how you transformed my life.

I am thankful for the time we had together – the good and the hard times.

I am thankful that the universe brought us together.

I am thankful for your spirit – I am thankful for when I feel it with me.

I am thankful that even now, you are a part of my life.

I am thankful that you will always be in my story.

…

These mantras are available to you when you need them. Perhaps there’s one in particular that stands out, one that you can hold on to today and tomorrow. Having something simple to repeat to ourselves in moments of overwhelm can help bring us back into the moment and reconnect with where we truly are.

I hope that these bring greater peace to your Thanksgiving and that you have a meaningful holiday season with the people you love.

Molly

Making Your Own Ofrenda: Remembering Loved Ones at Home

Sun, 24 Oct 2021 04:00:00 GMT

There are so many beautiful, international traditions that can enrich and illuminate our holidays.

Día de los Muertos comes on November 1 ^st every year following Halloween. If you watched the Disney movie, Coco, you saw the beauty of the family’s ofrenda – their altar filled with photos of their family members on the other side. The tradition holds that on the night of Dia de los Muertos, the dead are allowed to travel back to their homes on earth to taste their favorite treats, hear music, and visit their loved ones.

The tradition of the ofrenda (Spanish for offering ) goes back to the Aztecs and some 3,000 years later is becoming more and more a part of our cultural awareness.

The Need: This year, as my kids and I helped my mom to decorate her house for Halloween, she shared that she wanted to make her own ofrenda. Recently, my daughter has started asking about grandma and grandpa’s mom and dad, “where are they?” and “what were their names?” I know it’s been sweet for both of my parents to talk about their deceased parents, but it’s come with heartache, too. This idea for the ofrenda felt like the perfect bridge between the pain of memory and the joy of telling their story.

So, we built our own ofrenda.

Their Presence: Having the photos of my grandparents out has truly given me the sense of their presence. I imagine their huge smiles over seeing the 4 great-grandchildren they never met giggling and racing through my parents house. It’s a bridge built between us and them and it was crafted in just a few minutes.

What do you need to build your own ofrenda?

Truly, the desire to do it will spark all the creativity and meaning you need.

Pick a special place in your home. Some may want a private setting and others may want the ofrenda to be the focal point of the home. Do what you feel is most honoring.
Choose your photos. Some people have just one family member on their ofrenda, while others have many, many faces of generations gone. Families who have suffered pregnancy or infant loss can place ultrasound photos or footprints.
Traditionally, ofrendas are adorned with golden or orange marigolds (paper or real) that are supposed to help attract spirits with their vibrant color and strong scent.
Favorite or symbolic items are placed around the altar along with favorite foods, and, yes, a little tequila!

There isn’t a wrong way to create your ofrenda. Simple or elaborate, calm or bright; what matters is the doing of it.

The Bridge: The ofrenda is a bridge built between our present moment and the past. Savor this bridge. There is connection, emotion, mystery and love in the hope of the ofrenda.

As you walk by your ofrenda or feel drawn to it, allow yourself a few experiences:

Say hello to the people you are honoring, tell them you love them.
Feel whatever connection you can & allow it to be real.
Enjoy and savor their presence. It doesn’t need to be heavy or hard. Let it be casual, significant and special.
Allow for the unexpected.

If you’re worried about taking it down: 1. Don’t feel bad about taking it down. If you want, you can put it up again next year. 2. There isn’t a rush or rule, take your time & leave it up if you want. 3. If it helps to have permission to take it down, you have permission. You can take it down after the Dia de los Muertos is over, or before you put up Christmas decorations.

…

I hope you’ll consider building your own ofrenda and see what comes of it. Wishing all of you a beautiful Día de los Muertos.

Pausing to Remember 9/11 || 20 Years Later

Fri, 10 Sep 2021 04:00:00 GMT

In the 20 years since 9/11 became a part of all our lives. We have enfolded it into our history, studied and honored it.

Many of us have made a pilgrimage to the site of the twin towers and been overwhelmed by the space and the silence.

I think we are tempted to look at the passage of time, these twenty years, and wonder or hope that maybe, we are almost done grieving this. In reading about how we are processing 9/11 on this anniversary, I came across an article that interviewed the team still working to identify DNA from victims of the attacks. There are over 1,000 victims who have yet to be DNA matched – nearly half of the people that died in the attacks do not have a DNA match to their name. After all of these years, the team overseeing the project hopes to see 1 new name matched a year. Remarkably, two names were matched this year to DNA evidence from the site.

I think our grief of 9/11 is a little bit like this team of scientists still working. Our work isn’t done just because the time has passed. The work isn’t as huge and overwhelming as it was in the beginning – but the effects of 9/11 are still present in our lives. For the scientists, so much of their effort to process and identify happened rapidly in the early months and years as they made hundreds of connections and processed huge amounts of material. The last decade has moved more slowly with continued processing but little new discovery.

Grief is so much like this. Huge, heavy and overwhelming grief-work fills the first years post-loss and as time passes, the loss becomes more incorporated into life and eventually, more normal.

It feels sad that twenty years has passed. It is so much time. It’s sad to me that marking 9/11 has become this “normal” part of our year. It is hard looking back and knowing how much our lives were changed forever by 9/11.

All of this sadness is helped by our actions, by our pause to remember and space given to commemorate.

I hope that tomorrow, if you feel the desire to pause, you honor it.

Light a candle
Watch the naming ceremony
Observe a moment (or moments) of silence – for a timeline, click here .
Visit the 9/11 Memorial Museum website to learn, honor & pay tribute

We will never forget, because we can never forget.

“Should we still have a funeral?”

Wed, 25 Aug 2021 04:00:00 GMT

So many families are asking this question, “Should we still have a funeral?”

COVID made funerals impossible and the delays kept coming. Funerals were put off and families have been left without a critical tool in the bereavement journey: the funeral day.

It seems that it took COVID to help rouse our funeral-avoidant-culture to the importance of these ceremonial acts. We need them. And I say this not because I work for a funeral home, but because I heartily believe in the power of funerals.

Funerals act as a bridge that transitions newly bereaved families into the world of living with the loss.

So, should you still have the funeral? Yes, I think you should. If you are wanting one, you are in fact needing one.

I want to invite you to think about the funeral you didn’t get to have:

How many people would you have invited?

Consider the others that would have gathered with you to commemorate. They are with you in still missing your loved one. Holding an event, how many of them would still come? I would guess, quite a few and you would be sweetly surprised.

What special pieces would you have picked out?

Many people criticize how many decisions there are to be made in planning funerals and yes, there are a lot. But many of these decisions provide opportunities for the expression of love and personality. What color should the casket be? Which pictures should we put out? Which flowers were her favorite? What music did he always listen to?

Answering each of these questions is an opportunity to remember, grieve and showcase the unique life of your loved one.

What stories would have been shared?

Funerals are prime places for the best stories and memories. Perhaps there are unknown stories out there, things to learn and treasure still about your loved one.

I recently was talking with a friend who attended a delayed funeral for a family member. I asked about how it was or if it felt awkward? “Oh no,” she said, “we didn’t know how much we needed it.”

Time doesn’t diminish this need. There isn’t an excuse big enough (not even COVID) that can erase the need to gather, reflect and commemorate a life.

…

The best advice I can give is this:

If you want to have a funeral you should honor that. If you are feeling just the slightest desire to have one, why fight it? I think we try to talk ourselves out of funerals because it takes courage to schedule the day and face what has happened. Psychologically, we know that facing the death is more healthy than harmful.

The desire you have comes out of an old, deep need to commemorate. We need to take time out of our own lives to remember the meaningful life that is now over

…

If your loved one has been buried or cremated already, what you are looking for is called a Memorial. We hold these all the time for families

For the instances where burial or cremation has already taken place, families can still hold Memorial ceremonies for their loved ones. These are meaningful, important and good.

Simply call your funeral arranger, “We need to have a memorial for my mom. We weren’t able to before, but now, it’s time.”

…

I hope that if you are feeling this need, you give yourself the special space of a funeral. I hope you share that space with others who need it. And, I hope you will give your loved one the time their life is so worthy of.

July | Bereaved Parents Awareness Month

Thu, 22 Jul 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The nightmare becomes reality.

Child-loss is something we avoid reading about, thinking about, or wanting to look at at almost all costs. The pain is so much. The loss is “disorganized” as Dr. Bill Hoy puts it, meaning it occurs out of our natural order. We all agree on the simple truth that parents should not have to bury their children.

But, sometimes they do have to bury them and say goodbye, for now.

Below are some guides and suggestions for those who know someone grieving a child and for the dear parents experiencing this excruciating loss.

For the friends of bereaved parents:

Mostly, these guides are written for friends of bereaved people to help them maintain the friendship they have. Many people don’t know what to do or how to support someone in grief and it is very common for friendships (deep and abiding ones), to end after a death because the friends simply are too uncomfortable and don’t know how to be there.

While there is nothing comfortable about pain and sadness, it is going to come along for all of us in life. A hope we have is that the relationships that have been there in the good will also be there in the bad times.

So often, bereaved people’s loss is further traumatized, complicated and aggravated by the loss of significant friendships.

So, rule #1 is perhaps the most important piece of advice we can give to the friend/support community:

Do not avoid your bereaved friends. They have already lost a great deal, do not be another loss.
Just because you feel like you should “do” something, doesn’t mean you need to. Simply being available, unafraid, and present with your friends is a true gift.
Don’t leave it at, “ let us know if you need anything. “ Bereaved people have a higher BS reader and know that this phrase is empty. With very little energy to initiate or ask for help, bereaved people need action-oriented people to proactively care for them. See Rule 4 for a better approach.
Schedule check-ins . These should be planned in a way that works well with your schedule and be done in a consistent pattern. An example would be: every Monday you send a text message or make a phone call to let them know you are thinking of them, perhaps ask what their week looks like. If you would like to do more, think about what night you could bring over dinner, ask if their yard needs any attention, maybe a car needs a tuneup? Giving consideration to the every-day-tasks and being proactive about noticing them is huge.
Say the name of their child. Remember, recount and share stories with them about their child. Saying the name of their child you are giving them a deep and resonant gift of memory, safety, and love as they also miss, remember and love their child.*For families where the child loss is a baby who was never met or did not live very long – we can talk about how that baby’s little life made us feel. The joy over learning about them, the hopes, the brightness that their brief life created was very real and very special.

For the bereaved parents:

There aren’t really rules here – this is the hardest thing you’ll ever experience and nothing in grief is as simple as “right” and “wrong”. There are healthy signs of grief and unhealthy signs that can show up and provide insight into changes that may be needed.

The most difficult part of grief is finding a balance and not torturing ourselves over it. Bereaved people tend do think they should never be happy. But they need happiness and are deserving of it (like anyone else) to balance out the anguish of grief. Others tend to think they need to just “be happy” – saying their loved one “wouldn’t want them to be sad.” But sorrow is one of the main highways through the land of grief. Without feeling the loss, the loss will never change. So, with the hope of finding balance in mind we must find a way to hold both joy and sorrow.

Below are some guides and permissions for behavior that I hope are helpful as you navigate this stormy grief:

Let your grief come out. For some, this is a more natural process than others. What you need to do might seem obvious or it might sneak up and overwhelm you out of the blue. Your grief needs to come out – welcome the outlets – as you feel the need, explore ways of expressing your pain that have fullness, end times, and a way to move out and back into the world. This might sound cold, like we are scheduling grief, but sometimes prioritizing a time for sorrow and letting it be what it is can be incredibly freeing.
Create rituals. If there is a grave to visit, go regularly. If they had a special place, visit & go regularly. Eat their favorite foods, share memories within your family and community of grievers.
Allow connections. Looking for and finding ways that your child is still with you is incredibly important. The theory of Continuing Bonds demonstrates that not only is our desire for connection after death normal, it is even a healthy and appropriate way for us to navigate and move forward with our loved one. Saying “Goodnight” to their picture, speaking aloud to them, connecting an image, sensation, or an animal with their presence is all normal . I hear many people talk about these phenomena – “I know it sounds crazy but, this owl appeared at the service and it felt like Dad was with us.” – maybe it sounds crazy but that’s only because we are still learning what normal is.
Have boundaries . Know what you can and can’t do, who you can and can’t talk to. This is hard work. It’s painful to realize places we had hoped were safe are actually forbidden or treacherous. But learning and holding these boundaries for the time you need them will help you, and hold you.
Say their name & openly remember. Do this to whatever degree is right for you. If it’s loud, lots of pictures on Instagram or Facebook, or a special moment at Christmas – do it. These opportunities are important and your memory is special. Remember loudly, lovingly, and truthfully. We will all benefit.

To all of the families living this out –

I am so sorry. Your loss is tragic, catastrophic, and nothing can replace it. Your steps through this will be hard but you will also surprise yourself at how far you are able to go.

You are capable of hard things and you are doing the very hardest now.

Our hearts are with you, take care with you today.

How Do We Transition Out of Grief?

Wed, 30 Jun 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Last month I wrote about how “ resurrection doesn’t mean reversal ” (quoting the fabulous Nadia Bolz-Weber ).

It occurs to me that the navigation of re-entry that we are all facing has a great deal in common with the re-entry bereaved people face. We are entering a familiar world with familiar places but the way we are experiencing them is altered. We are different, too.

So, what does it look like to transition from the deep sorrow of one place into the space where the sorrow has been more digested, is more manageable and incorporated into our lives?

How do we transition out of grief?

I believe, when we ask this question, we are really saying – “when can I get back to living?” or “when can I stop being sad?”

Life lesson time:

Grieving is part of living.
You have permission to stop feeling sad whenever you want to. Being bereaved doesn’t mean you must remain and always be sad. Being bereaved means you lost something that caused tremendous pain. There is sadness and there is transition and learning to live with the loss.
Taking each day at a time is wise and removing guilt or “shoulds” is necessary.

Re-entering the world after huge loss

For bereaved people, this largely means taking on the monumental task of writing a new narrative while also cherishing the old one. For example, a widow goes out for drinks with girlfriends to a place she previously frequented with her husband – she’s prepared to do this but knows it will be hard. There’s tenderness in those memories and simultaneously there’s a new story waiting and new memories to be made.

We shared this post on Instagram last week and had a great response. We are ready to look ahead.

This is what a transition out of grief can look like. It’s hopeful, it’s full of movement, and it’s open to change.

COVID has taught us all SO much about change. How instantly change can come, how devastating it can be, and how we can come out of it all into a world we still feel hopeful about.

Will we ever be the same?

No.

But that is true at the end of every day (hopefully), right? We are people with the potential to always change and grow and that is beautiful. We can never be ready for forced change like death – but we can slowly, adapt and still find a way forward.

So, as we open our doors to summer and a season of warmth and leisure, lets collectively bask in the need of this time to be warmed and rested. We are not done changing, we are not done learning, we are not done living. On this side of resurrection, I’m grateful for all of those truths. Here’s to stepping out into transition.

Grief and the Myth of “Back to Normal”

Wed, 26 May 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Myth of “Back to Normal” after COVID

We keep talking about “back to normal” and it sounds so wonderful. I so badly want to see and feel the life I had before this pandemic darkness.

But when I step outside and visit my old haunts normal isn’t anywhere to be found. I am beginning to feel like the idea of getting “back to normal” won’t happen because it simply can’t. With the 1 year anniversary of George Floyd’s death resounding and reminding us of the trauma, terror and grief that firmly settled upon us a year ago – I feel the definitive sense of being haunted by all that happened in 2020.

Symbols of change

Symbols of our changed times are everywhere – our faces are covered with them. Part of me thinks normal won’t come until triggers like plexiglass and masks are finally done. But so many of my favorite places didn’t survive the pandemic or feel impossible to visit with the parameters in place. This new world has another closed store around the corner and COVID remnants still litter our landscape. There will always be a pre-COVID and after-COVID, a modern BC & AD that we will universally understand.

Non-Death Losses

While I did not suffer a death-loss during COVID, the secondary losses of this pandemic have been so numerous and perpetual that grief is very much a part of my past, present and future. I think grief is a part of all of us now.

I recently heard the phrase,

“Resurrection doesn’t mean reversal.”

– Nadia Bolz-Weber on her podcast, The Confessional

“Resurrection doesn’t mean reversal.” This keeps bouncing around my head and for as much as I dislike it, I need it. As we return, the hard truth undeniable: that the deaths and losses we have experienced cannot be erased and “normal” won’t undo the loss of the COVID-era. Life as we knew it is gone, and it’s so sad. I have witnessed old friendships broken, felt the exhaustion of familial tension, grieved favorite traditions lost (maybe forever), closures of special places, heartbreak over cancelled plans, and mourned hoped for memories that will never be.

The world re-opening doesn’t undo any of that. When I walk out my door all of that comes with me.

If you’re just not feeling it

I don’t say any of this to temper the excitement of “normal” returning – but if you’re just not feeling it or there’s more disappointment and sorrow than you expected – it’s very likely because resurrection doesn’t mean reversal.

I wish I had fresh flowers and happier words that magically absolve all of this sorrow for each of us. But, as I am a student of death and grief – I understand the pain of the journey and the helpfulness of hearing the truth – even if it’s hard.

Grief is a transformer. It forever alters the people that it touches. When we consider that grief has touched every corner of our world through the pandemic, it is a small-wonder reversal isn’t possible. I hope to have more to say on what exactly is on the other end of this resurrection. All I know now is, we are in it together.

Our Hope

As the world resurrects, I wish you all a re-entry that is balanced and able to hold the joy and twinges of pain that arise. Remember, you’ve never done this before – go easy on yourself.

Pandemic Grief

Tue, 27 Apr 2021 04:00:00 GMT

I attended the annual ADEC virtual & international conference on death and dying last week and walked away with so many incredible new ways to think about the dying & grief experience.

One of the interesting terms introduced to us was “ Pandemic Grief ” by Dr. Robert Neimeyer . He spoke about a study and screening tool he and his colleagues created to locate “dysfunctional grief” amongst people grieving a loved one that died from COVID.

Pandemic Grief takes into account the following compounded losses:

Low-grade COVID depression/anxiety already present prior to loss
Death loss itself
Stigma surrounding a COVID death
Inability to be with the loved one while they were sick and dying
Inability to have desired funeral ceremonies or gatherings

Dr. Neimeyer believes all of these factors and more have culminated into the unique grief experience of Pandemic Grief.

While I have not experienced the loss of a loved one to COVID, the term Pandemic Grief still hit home for me. I think all of us have experienced the losses of this last year in a way we haven’t experienced other griefs.

The non-death grief experience of the pandemic has looked a little like this for me:

Pervasive fear
Deep sadness for the victims and families
Uncertainty in what to believe or hope for
Roller-coaster ride of opening and closing
Relational tension as family and friends navigate all of the above in their own way
Last minute cancellations
Loss of special celebrations and unique moments
Loneliness / feelings of rejection
Depression
Anxiety
Anger at the situation, at others, or in place of our sadness
Lack of exterior support because EVERYONE ELSE is also feeling this

This list is being made now without the desire to bring you down – but to validate the extremity of what we’ve all been through.

As we collectively feel hope with opening-up dates coming and vaccine rates rising, we can perhaps see this list more clearly and calmly.

If you feel like you won’t be able to walk back into your favorite places, restaurants, theme parks, stadiums or theaters without a sense of sadness – you’re probably right. It’s not morbid, silly, or something to shake off. This didn’t last for a few weeks or a couple months, we’ve endured ONE YEAR of very intense and difficult emotional, physical, relational and spiritual tension.

I think it can be so helpful to name what we are going through. When we can connect it and name it, we can see our experience for what it is.

So, the next time you feel this tension – or that strange mix of excitement over what’s happening and grief over what didn’t happen – acknowledge the presence of this Pandemic Grief in your life. It’s real and while it may come and go, it’s important that you don’t ignore or diminish it. When we give space for the emotion, good or bad, we give ourselves the gift of living in the present moment and “dealing” right then and there with the reality.

What you can do to share or talk about it:

Tell someone close to you when you are feeling sad, even if it seems like you shouldn’t be.
Write about the complexity of what you’re feeling – there’s SO MUCH going on. I think many of us are feeling so many things we can hardly untangle them.
Find a life coach, spiritual director, or support group to talk more openly about your unique losses
DO NOT discount what you’ve been through. If someone compares your pain and diminishes it – they aren’t safe. Find someone else to share wtih.

We have been through something extraordinary and we can’t help but be changed by this. While I’m not quite at peace with how much pandemic grief I’ve got in my life, it helps to call it something and know what it is, and talk about it with people that care about me.

…

How have you seen Pandemic Grief in your experience of COVID? Please, share below. We would love to hear from you.

A Year Changes You

Thu, 25 Mar 2021 04:00:00 GMT

As hope begins to flicker in with vaccinations and re-openings I feel the great temptation to forget all that we’ve been through this last year and move into the excitement of our “old” life.

But – we’ve all been changed dramatically by the pandemic. I know that there are parts of the depression, confusion, isolation and anger I experienced that taught me things.

I think the most stand-out experience of COVID has been the strange, shared depression. Never before have I experienced darkness where there was no one to lift it. It’s not that I didn’t have support, it’s that there was no one not going through what I was going through. The balance of suffering and joy was non-existent.

As we re-enter the bright territory of hope, here’s what I want to hold on to from the dark:

Doing things differently – I don’t think any of us enjoyed the changes we’ve experienced. I HATE not seeing people’s faces – I just miss seeing smiles and understanding people when they speak to me (right!?). But experiencing changes and adapting to a new way of living is a powerful process. This has ended up in my trying many new things and making a regular pattern in my life to bring more “new” into my life.
Being presen t – I had to slow down, get creative, and I found that I had time to really be with the people I live with. I am deeply grateful for this and never want to lose this gift.
Noticing myself – I learned quickly that I had good and bad COVID days. There was a lot of time for reflection and noticing. Realizing what I struggled with, what helped, and how I chose to cope was enlightening.
More global thinking – Watching the world go through this brought a type of connection that I only ever feel during the Olympics. But this has been different. Being together in tragedy has broadened my empathy and grown my consideration for my fellow-people.

There’s more, I’m sure – but I am very ready to focus on looking forward. But it’s important to make something meaningful out of all of this pain.

What this whole post actually is, is my attempt to “make meaning” out of this disaster of a year. We all need to do this as we grieve – it is natural and helpful.

So – how have you made meaning out of 2020 and COVID? What lessons will you keep with you – how did last year change you for the better?

Grieving Your Sweetheart

Thu, 11 Feb 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Valentine’s Day without your Valentine is not going to be an easy day. There’s a darkness just to saying or typing out the idea. If this Sunday will be your first or fifteenth Valentine’s Day without your sweetheart, I am truly so sorry.

Since you are here, I’m hoping you’re curious about what you could do or how you could prepare yourself for the holiday. I do have some ideas and strategies that I hope will give you some courage and a plan to face the day.

I want to make it crystal clear that there are no rules or “shoulds” on this list. You need to do what feels right for you. This blog is here to give you the support and strength to acknowledge where you are and what your grief needs.

Mental & emotional preparation; let’s ask some questions:

What will the day be like? Take a few minutes now to think about what your experience of the day might be like. Will you be on social media? How will you feel seeing pictures of couples together?
- If that sounds completely overwhelming, then a good plan would be to eliminate or carefully limit/filter your time online that day (and probably the next few days as well).
Did you have plans for this particular Valentine’s Day or special traditions?
- Is there a part of the plans or tradition that you could still fulfill? If you had candlelight dinners, you can still light your candles. If you always got milkshakes, you can still do that.
On a day that celebrates love, do you feel you are in a place where you could celebrate yours? The word “celebrate” isn’t always a fit for people in grief and if it doesn’t work for you right now, that makes sense and is ok. If you do want to share about your relationship, write what you want to say down or share it on social media. The level of privacy and sharing is up to you – do what feels right.

Strategies & how to make it through:

Give yourself a gift. Gifts are a huge part of the Valentine tradition. If there is a traditional gift or something you would really love to have, I would encourage you to buy that for yourself. Think of it as a gift from your loved one – they certainly would want you to have it and give you that joy.
Don’t be afraid of memory lane but don’t force it either. Pace yourself. If you’d like to look at pictures or watch a favorite movie, do that. It might also be wise to have some less intense distractions lined up. Puzzles, gardening, sudoku, or favorite tv show marathons can be helpful, mindless or mindful distractions.
Create a schedule for the day. Give yourself the gift of “control” over the day. Schedules help us to move on and to know that things will end. Here are some ideas for time-slot-fillers: tea & reading for 1 hour, soothing bath with candles, 30 minute walk, favorite movie, pick up lunch, nap for 2 hours, look at photo albums for 20 minutes, call a friend, take a drive and pick up some coffee or a tasty treat, watch the sunset, *home for some classical music and takeout.
- *If you do plan to leave your house before it gets dark and get home after sunset, it would be wise to leave plenty of lights on to help the darkness of the house not feel so hard to come home to.

The real secret to coping with difficult days like these is to know yourself, be intentional about what roadblocks are in front of you, and create flexible and wise ways to give yourself the space and grace you need.

I hope this can be a day with some special moments for you – glimmering memories – a gratefulness for sharing a life and love with someone else.

Above all, I hope that making it through Valentine’s Day can be its own gift of hope. You are doing hard things. Be patient with yourself – you’re going through so much. And be proud of yourself – you’re making it through the hardest days.

The Importance of Endings

Wed, 27 Jan 2021 05:00:00 GMT

We need things to end.

Most of the time, we dread or avoid endings. They are sad, difficult, unwanted and force us to face a changed reality. But I believe that we need endings, desperately.

I have never craved an ending for a year as strongly as I have this past one and I know we are united in that. And while the world we woke up to on January 1 was not different, the ending of 2020 did mean something and we could feel it. We needed it.

Endings are important because they are certain. We can tolerate bad things more easily if we know there is an end coming. And since 1374 we’ve been quoting Chaucer’s famous line, “all good things must come to an end.” The knowledge of that ending adds incredible value to our life experiences.

I remember as a child trying to wrestle with the concept of an after-life and finding it unnerving. I secretly hoped (still do!) there would also be an ending to the after-life that we just don’t know about here. Forever is a lot to process! The concept of end-less-ness hurts my brain because without an ending it can’t be measured. You see why these are so important? They boundary us in and allow us process and use our time with greater wisdom. (Side note: while we’re on this topic I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention The Good Place – a wonderful TV series that deals with this VERY topic!)

Let’s look at how seeing endings as helpful events might contribute to our lives:

Reflection: endings provide the opportunity to pause and look back over what was. We can uncover something new about ourselves, assess whether we need to make changes, and/or reflect on what we learned from that experience.
Re-framing: an ending is an opportunity to change and start something new. Or to use the buzzword of 2020 – PIVOT! So many of us have events in our past that ended and guided us into a change that we are now grateful for. Endings give us a chance to reimagine, edit, risk, and keep finding out who we can be with a new start.
Acceptance: this word is one of the hardest concepts to really attain. But I believe that by practicing an awareness of endings, we can help our minds and hearts be more accepting of the incessant reality of change. In turn, this gives us the opportunity to attain greater peace by holding life with looser hands.
Balance: Nature gives us all kinds of measurements in days, seasons, moon phases, the coastline, the life and death of every thing. From the day we are born we know that the day ends and a new one comes. These are the natural rhythms of our lives.

Practicing awareness of endings:

At the end of the day, spend a few moments reflecting on what you did. Think about the endings you experienced; was there one that was particularly difficult? One that was very much hoped for?
Consider how many endings we experience every day. It can be helpful to see how comfortable and familiar we are with beginning again.
Perhaps the most important practice I’ve found to help deal with endings, is to remain present to what is happening right now. I have a tendency to look back and mourn things that are over, and I often even look ahead and can begin to feel sad about an approaching ending. When I am present in my moment, my regret and dread are greatly diminished. The gift of presence is that whatever time is given to you – you are fully and intentionally using it in that moment. That leaves no room for regret later and no possibility of dreading the future.

I dearly miss the life I had prior to COVID. I believe it was that ending which has so challenged me to live better now. I prioritize people better today than I did last year. I look at my kids more and play with them in a silly way I didn’t do before. And the value of seeing a face – something I’d never considered all that special is now very precious indeed. The ending of our world as we knew it awakened in me “wrestling matches” to not waste this time but to make it worth going through.

…

To the griever:

I know many of you may be grieving and thinking about the end of grief. You probably know by now that there isn’t one. Grief doesn’t end because your love and connection to your loved one doesn’t end either. The physical ending of a relationship is an incredible pain. It’s not something where I can say, “it will end,” or “time will heal”. What your grief will do is change. It will change because you will change with and because of it. A new series of endings and beginnings have already started for you.

Your grief won’t end. But it also won’t hurt like this forever.

…

Even though the end of 2020 wasn’t the re-start we all want, it gave us a mental and emotional close to a difficult time. I really needed that. And while my hopes for 2021 aren’t off the charts, I feel launched into a much more hopeful and optimistic place emotionally and mentally.

I hope you do, too.

What Do You Give a Grieving Person?

Fri, 11 Dec 2020 05:00:00 GMT

Grieving people can be difficult to buy for. The main reason for that, is that their life has taken on a complete and total inventory check of what’s meaningful and actually important. I remember hearing a bereaved person say that their “bullsh!t meter” was sharper than ever since the death of their loved one. So, it can feel tricky to give someone like this something that will feel special.

As you consider your friend or family member and what a meaningful gift for them would be – remember that this is not about what YOU like – it’s about what would be helpful for or special to them .

I’m boiling down the options into two categories; Sentimenta l & Practical . Here we go:

Sentimental Gift Ideas:

Custom Ornament – you could make this or find a picture frame ornament. Or, instead of a picture perhaps there is a symbol that brings up a memory or an ornament that embodies an inside joke. These ornaments can be very sweet and subtle ways of bringing your loved one into the holiday rhythms.
Eternev a – This one is $$$$ BUT, it is also amazing. Eterneva creates custom diamonds using the cremated remains or hair. The color and size of the diamond can be selected and placed in jewelry settings or kept apart. It’s an amazing gift and a way we can memorialize and keep them with us always.
Art Work – This piece by Lindsay Letters is titled, “ Remembrance Candl e” and it is a beautiful piece from her 2020 holiday collection. This could be displayed year-round or be a special piece that comes out during the holidays as a way to commemorate and remember.
Record your memories – if you share memorable moments with the person they are grieving – write them down in a letter or pick up the phone and reminisce. Consistently remembering together and saying the name of your deceased friend is good and healing.

Practical Gift Ideas:

Dinner – have a dinner delivered or sign your friend up for a meal service where food is delivered to them either ready-to-eat or as simple recipes. Giving the gift of a meal is giving the gift of comfort and rest. Grieving people often forget to cook for themselves or feel so scattered they can’t decide what to make or put it together.
Cleaning service – if you are a close enough friend and enjoy cleaning – offer to come and do the dishes or vacuum. For more in-depth work, a cleaning team can be hired to deep clean and give your friend a sense of refreshment. *This is not something you surprise someone with. It may feel too soon, invasive or like their loved one is being “cleaned away” – check with them first.
A thoughtful grocery run – offer to pick up groceries for your friend or family member. Take down their list, get as much as you can, and throw in a few surprises; flowers, chocolates, calming tea – not only will you be checking a huge task off of their list, you’ll be giving them little surprises and comforts as well.
Be there for them. Like, actually be there for them. SO MANY people say this and mean it when someone dies. But grievers need people who can proactively and consistently do this. Invite your friend for a walk, call them to check in, see what they need that you can make happen.

Giving = Connecting

The bottom line is that in giving we are actively saying, “I think about you and I care about you”. It is a beautiful act and it means so much. If these ideas are too grand or you don’t have time – a candle, a card, a plant or homemade cookies are lovely, lovely ways to reach out from the heart.

Oh, and should you send a bereaved person a Christmas card? YES. Of course you should. They didn’t want their life to change the way that it has, don’t make more changes for them. Keep connecting & thank you for being the person that thinks about grieving people at Christmas.

How Can I Be Thankful for Pain?

Wed, 25 Nov 2020 05:00:00 GMT

Thanksgiving hits some sharp notes for so many of us this year.

What are we supposed to be thankful for in a year of tumult, solitude, restriction and change?

If you are reading this – it is most likely because someone you dearly love has died. HOW does one begin to feel “thankful” for a loss so great that we wonder if we’ll ever be happy again?

How can we be thankful for pain?

Well, I don’t know that we can exactly be thankful for it. When it comes to death, there is no consolation or reason to be found that justifies the loss. Your loved one didn’t die “for a reason” and there’s nothing you can do to make their death “worth it”.

But humans are remarkable with pain – we suffer it – it changes us – and somewhere along the way we get to choose what to do with how it changes us.

This innate ability to transform pain and damage into something new and meaningful is the human way to hope. We can take horrible things and create ways to help. So many ministries, charities, helpers and guides exist in our world because of the power of transformation.

The process of transformation can gradually happen over time and it can be helped with intentional steps.

If you are looking to give your pain and grief a direction, try asking some of these questions:

What will come of the situation as it is?
What can I make this into?
How has this/is this changing me?
What good can I bring out of this?
Is there something I could do that would bring me some peace?

These questions are generic but the answers to them can begin to add shape and an idea of what might lie ahead. Know this; transformation will not diminish your grief or “solve” it. There isn’t a way out – but transformation can give you hope of a way through.

Sad Holidays 101: Creating Boundaries for Yourself and Your Grief

Thu, 22 Oct 2020 04:00:00 GMT

The holidays are always stressful. Always. But, that stress generally pays off with special gatherings, joyful present giving and tasty food.

But when you are grieving all of this can just seem grey and tasteless. There isn’t a payoff for the anxiety and in fact, there might be a whole lot more anxiety.

Bottom line – if you’re actively grieving – the holidays are going to feel very different.

This is normal – and awful.

Boundaries are so important when we are in pain. The way I see it, there are 2 things to build boundaries around here: You and your Grief. I think looking at them separately can help us acknowledge the different needs that both may have. The experience of bereavement is filled with so many paradoxes and upside-down sensations that it feels like there are always conflicting needs and it’s hard to really give yourself what you crave.

Hopefully, we can clean up some of those complexities here.

Below is a list of just a few of the issues you might be anticipating with the upcoming holidays.

– Grief is already a factor but now on top of that we may have –

Guilt – being sad at a “happy” time of year is hard and it’s easy to feel apologetic. Don’t apologize for your grief – it’s not bad – it is a very important part of your life.
Regret – life has forever changed the way we celebrate and experience the holidays
Shame – maybe you feel like you haven’t “moved on” enough – the idea of “moving on” is sort of a bad word around here. We don’t “move on” we “move with” and that journey changes you forever.
Sad about being sad – this might sound silly, but it’s real. Sorrow has a time and place, we know that, but when it overlaps with the holidays, it can feel very unfair.
Energy limitations – we just don’t have the capacity to do as much and that can be frustrating.
Anxiety – can hit from so many angles. It’s already a very American thing to be anxious going into holiday preparations, but these anxieties are likely new and/or amplified to a level that requires care for yourself and thoughtful consideration.

So, to navigate all of the above and more, we need to carefully construct boundaries around You and Grief.

Let’s start with You.

Setting Boundaries around Yourself:

Be honest . Let people know how you are doing and what will be reasonable to expect of you.
Set time limits . If you feel you can only do 1 or 2 hours at an all-day family gathering, let the host know in advance. You can say something like,
- “These gatherings are so special but I’m worried they will also be painful this year. I’m planning to only stay for an hour. Thank you for understanding.” This makes it possible for you to have control over your needs, assess, and if you wanted to stay longer, you could. But if you need to leave, you’re also understood.
Don’t go . If it’s too much, give yourself the permission to not go. It really is ok. People will miss you, they will wonder if you’re ok and you know what – you’re not. You are experiencing a massive life shift and if you need to do that privately, then give that to yourself.

Setting Boundaries around your Grief:

Allow it . Let your grief be there. Don’t deny or ignore it. Begin, if you can to make peace with it’s presence, even if you can’t make peace with the reason for it.
Create a place for it . Some people set an empty seat at the table for their loved one. Others light candles, set out special pictures, or give a toast in honor of your loved one’s memory. If you don’t feel up to giving the toast or saying a few words, maybe ask a trusted friend to lead the ritual for you.
Don’t give grief everything . Don’t let grief take more from you then it already has. If you want to be out with family and friends – GO. Just because you are grieving doesn’t mean you have to be absent or sad all the time. You will know when you need to withdraw and you will know when you want to engage. Trust that instinct – it might change suddenly so know that – but don’t suffer more for the sake of grief.

All of these boundaries require a level of self-awareness. It is important for you to continuously check-in on yourself and how you are doing. Just taking 5 minutes to ask questions like, “Am I tired? Am I over-doing it? Am I stuck? Am I ready for more?” can be so helpful in this process.

Lastly, I just want you to know how sorry I am that you are going through this right now. This year has been so unusually cruel and to have grief on top of it all seems so unfair to me. I hope that by preparing yourself, making some kind of plan, and noticing what you need will be helpful ways that allow you to have a meaningful holiday season.

Take care.

Why You Should Cry Today: Rui-katsu & the Tear Teacher

Thu, 17 Sep 2020 04:00:00 GMT

This week my husband sent me a short video produced by the BBC entitled, “ The man teaching Japan to cry .” I had goosebumps just a few seconds in and was deeply moved by the sweetness of the “tear teacher,” Hidefumi Yoshida. He claims to have brought over 50,000 people to tears and believes that the heart-felt act of crying has tremendous health and life-style benefits.

This practice of crying is called “rui-katsu” which translates to “tear activity”. People attend seminars and practice rui-katsu with the purpose of relieving stress and being refreshed.

Pause a moment with me.

When you think of crying, do you think of stress relief and refreshment? I don’t and I don’t think we do in America. Crying and emotional vulnerability are becoming more accepted as our society is more fully embracing the power of therapy and emotional expression, which is wonderful. But, there is still negative language and association with tears. When someone cries in front of you, what do they say? “I’m so sorry,” and they get angry with themselves or might feel embarrassed. It is a difficult moment where we feel exposed because crying is seen as weak. Imagine if it was seen as healthy and accepted?

We are so interested in being strong in the United States. I personally found it deeply refreshing to hear a philosophy have neither strength or weakness associated with crying, but simple health.

Yoshida believes that, “It is not enough to tear up. It’s important to shed even a single tear. It is ideal to wail.”

The type of tears is also important. Yoshida believes the most refreshing tears are the ones provoked by emotional experiences, like a stirring movie or story. These tears are very different than the tears of grief over a loved one. Grief forces a lasting sorrow onto us vs. a poem that offers an organic and temporary emotional moment.

I will tell you that as someone who has thoroughly enjoyed sad movies in the past and been very aware of when I needed a good cry, this pandemic has all but killed that sensation or desire for me. I find myself moved in certain moments as a watch my daughter sing a favorite song but I immediately try to suck it all in because I think I will probably just wail if I actually let myself. And wailing, well, it’s a little scary for those of us unschooled in rui-katsu.

But why is crying scary? My first answer is it feels like a loss of control. We are big fans of self-control and “keeping it together” so that we don’t cry and make everyone uncomfortable.

The rui-katsu answer is different and, I think, far more important:

Yoshida says, “With all the emotions we feel, crying reveals who you really are. I want people to look at who they are.”

I think that in this landscape of shutdowns, smokey skies and human tragedy, we are all having a hard time looking at things. The cumulative sorrow of this year is something I don’t want to see because then I have to feel it and have it be real. As I type those words I hear the fear and avoidance of my pain. I don’t want to live that way.

So, I am going to wail this week. I need it and I actually kind of want it.

Rui-Katsu is a fascinating practice that I think could challenge and profoundly change our perception and approach to crying. Yoshida goes on to say that crying boosts our immune systems, helps us live better, and adds to our spiritual experience.

I want more of all of that right now – how about you? Will you join me and cry this week? If you need to (and you already know the answer, I hope you will.

Click here to see the original BBC story.

Learning to Live with the Unimaginable

Thu, 20 Aug 2020 04:00:00 GMT

Learning to live with the unimaginable … this is what grief is. And this is what our collective life is right now.

The lyric, “learn to live with the unimaginable” comes from one of my favorite Hamilton songs . When I watched it last month for the first time, this lyric struck me differently than all the prior times I’d heard it. The world we are living in feels “unimaginable” in so many ways. I have friends deep in quarantine that I haven’t seen in months. There is more fear and more anger everywhere and no where to escape the pervasive presence of COVID. Everywhere we go (or stay-put) we are reminded of the extra-ordinary time that this is.

So, how exactly are we learning to live in this mishmash of chaos and grief where nothing feels normal? Not even home.

My home feels more lived in but also more lonely. I miss what I had and I dearly want my normal back – and that has felt good for me to say out-loud (go ahead, say it out-loud if it’s how you are feeling). We are all experiencing many forms of loss. Events are cancelled or changed radically, friendships are restricted and some may be strained. Life is on hold and it’s hard to live in this tenuous limbo. It seems we can get so focused on how uncomfortable or frustrated we are that we forget to just grieve the loss we are feeling. Getting to the actual source of pain is hard, anger and irritation is much easier and requires little growth. Figuring out when we are in pain is, in my opinion, learning something pretty important about living.

If you find yourself angry or irritable, ask yourself:

“Why am I feeling this way?”
“What might I be sad about right now?”
“What unexpected loss has this week brought me?”

When we can name what we are grieving and then actively grieve it, some of that irritation and roughness will go away. The act of grieving has a simple magic to it: it just helps us move into a better space. It’s ok to miss normal and want normal back and still wear masks and care for people. We can hold all of those together in the difficult destination point of acceptance. “I miss my old life. This is my life now. This life will also change.”

What are ways we can actively grieve?

*These suggestions are written for anyone grieving anything

Cry. It’s obvious, yes but most of us would prefer tasks to check off and avoid the tears. If you’re worried you won’t be able to stop once you start, put a boundary around it. Set aside a time in a comfortable space, maybe even set a timer. If there’s emotion locked up, it needs to get out and you will feel different afterward. You may not feel great, but you will be glad you allowed it to happen and you can stop when you need a break.
Journal. Write out what you are missing and why. Get it off of your mind and onto the page.
Commemorate. This may be a time to refresh the pictures in your frames at home, or create a slide-show of the person or way-of-life you are missing.

Active grief can also be more future-oriented and positive – a sort of, learning to live in a new world.

Reach out to others who might be grieving like you and share how you are. Don’t be ashamed of your pain, own it and let it be fully allowed to exist in whatever form it’s in.
Make plans. Small or big, it doesn’t matter – you just need to like them. Maybe it’s a cup of coffee in the morning, a walk with the dog, or a Facetime happy-hour with friends and a good bottle of wine. Have something on your horizon to look forward to and be proactive to create them as you need them.
Look for signs of your loved one, or reasons for hope. Attuning ourselves to look for connection and hopefulness is an important step in creating a self and a future that can hold and hope for all that the world has to offer.

The bottom-line: don’t be afraid of grief or to name what you are going through. Grief is there to usher us into the unimaginable, to help us find our footing, show us we are still living, and light the way through.

The Gravity of Grief, and a Way Through

Thu, 18 Jun 2020 04:00:00 GMT

Stick with me on this one – I think it’s important.

When COVID lockdowns started, I found myself very isolated at home with two very little children. TV became a primary escape for us as parks, beaches and even grandparents were off limits. When Disney released Frozen 2 early, I was excited to watch it with my 3 year old daughter. Little did I think I would absolutely adore this movie. There are many reasons it speaks to me, but what surprised me was how it speaks to the community of readers here .

Death isn’t uncommon in Disney movies, but grief is . Without giving anything away, the last song “The Next Right Thing,” offers one of the most striking portrayals of grief I’ve ever heard in a film. It vividly describes the emotions of grief and offers a mantra perfect for bereaved people: do the next right thing.

You can listen to the song here.

Each line is poignant and relatable to anyone who has lost somebody. I would encourage you to listen to it.

Here’s a sampling of what I’m talking about:

When we feel powerless, unsure, alone, frightened … how do we even begin to find our footing? When our spouse is suddenly gone and we wake up alone in the night, how do we even begin to grapple with that reality? In a world where turmoil, fear and anger are right on the surface, how do we navigate our experience or our part in this new climate? I love the simplicity of the command, just “do the next right thing.”

The next right thing could be extraordinarily simple and it likely should be. Any counselor will tell you that bereavement is not a wise or good time to make big decisions. Baby steps, the next right thing – that’s where we should aim to put our feet when we don’t know the territory.

As it would happen, before Frozen 2 hit theaters, a lovely little book hit the shelves last year called “ The Next Right Thing ” by Emily Freeman. In it she deconstructs our decision making processes and offers some remarkably helpful perspective on how to simplify the amount of choice and stress in our lives.

In a world that bombards us with decisions to make we could all use a little wisdom and help when it comes to understanding ourselves in the decision-making process.

Furthermore, I would argue that most of us can find ourselves in a state of grief or depression right now. To combat the powerlessness, to give an answer to the pain we ask; What do I DO? What CAN I do?

Well, what would the next right thing be?

It may be as simple as …
Hugging your child.
Picking clothes up off the floor.
Making the phone call you’ve been putting off.
Letting yourself cry.
Taking a nap.

Harnessing the intention of how and why we make decisions can change quite a bit in our lives.

Effective and good decision making gives freedom, creates active presence with yourself, and offers courage to make the next decision when it appears.

Doing the next right thing isn’t a roadmap out of grief or even out of pain. To put it simply, it offers a way to begin again. It seems to me to be an idea that every American would benefit from considering at this time. What does the next right thing look like for you?

My hope is that it leads you out of stuck-ness and into movement, into ways you can care for yourself, and into the hope that life and a new way of life are out there to be found.

They Are Dying, and You Can’t Be There

Thu, 21 May 2020 04:00:00 GMT

They are dying and you can’t be there.

People have died alone before. This isn’t new. Unexpected deaths, delays, avoidance, or hope of healing are just some reasons that can keep us from being at a death bed when a death occurs.

But never or rarely are people prevented from being there. This is a whole new type of trauma that the bereaved people of the COVID-era will have to navigate. And this isn’t happening just to COVID patients but to anyone sick or dying in a hospital setting. People dying of “normal” things are dying in abnormal ways. Abnormal meaning, instead of having loved ones around, waiting vigil, getting those last moments and saying those final words – everyone is alone. While being at someone’s death bed is very surreal – anything but “normal” – it is what is right . And the kicker is, we only get one chance.

For years now I have been deeply comforted by the idea that “no one dies alone”. I’ve written about it on here before – it’s one of the most comforting things we can share with people who couldn’t be or can’t be at the deathbed.

This idea was taught to me by Barbara Karnes – a hospice nurse with over 30 years of experience who I’ve had the pleasure of hearing speak a couple of times. I am always moved and helped by her death-wisdom and comfortability with the subject.

She makes the case after her 30+ years of watching people die that no one dies alone. Let me say that again to you – no one dies alone.

From her anecdotal point-of-view, dying people seem to speak to, see, or reach out to unseen people around them that they know and are comforted by. They mention seeing their mother, a deceased sibling, sometimes a childhood dog. The point is, the dying person is always accompanied as they make their transition from life to death.

I’d like to add that when she speaks the room is FILLED with other experienced hospice nurses nodding knowingly, enthusiastically, and each one of them has every story you can imagine to back this idea up. It’s just true.

So, take this in. No one is dying alone, not really . It is one of the most comforting truths I’ve encountered.

A few weeks ago I was scrolling through Facebook and came across something she wrote that absolutely grabbed me.

Lamenting the new mode of death due to COVID, she wrote the following to the families that aren’t able to be with their loved one in their last hours:

*For the full Facebook post, click here .

Isn’t this beautiful/sad/crazy/peaceful/awful/hopeful/and so giving? I felt so heartbroken and yet, so profoundly moved by the power of the intimate “goodbye” that we can still have with our loved ones – even at a distance.

We are all having to get creative in this time and adjust to a new way of existing and grieving. I think what Barbara Karnes offers in this post is a way to peace, a powerful experience, and a treasured, final moment of togetherness.

You may not be able to be there, but your loved one is not alone .

The Worst Time to Die: COVID-19 & the Resources We Need

Wed, 22 Apr 2020 04:00:00 GMT

Babies are still being born. People are still dying of other, “regular” causes and “regular” tragedies. Lives are being changed by a cancer diagnosis and others are being cured. Life is moving ahead despite how on-hold it all feels.

And while there is NEVER, ever, ever, ever a “good” time to die. Ever. It seems that we are living through the worst time to die or experience the death of someone you love.

Because of restrictions, just 10 people, in some cases not even whole families, can attend a funeral ceremony. While many funeral homes offer webcasting for free, it’s a poor substitute. Families are facing a devastating loss followed by an inability to properly mourn that loss.

I keep reading and hearing “#alonetogether” and it’s a lovely, encouraging thought. But when we feel alone and we are alone, that sentiment is little more than empty words. Bereaved people look to moments like the funeral to be assured that they are not alone. When we can’t see the full broad expanse of community impact and support, the alone-ness must feel deep.

I feel a deep ache and heavy concern for the families and friends denied the funeral ceremony and it’s transitional power. Funerals are a pivotal space for a bereaved community. Friends and family come to say their final goodbyes and leave having conquered that terrifying and monumental task.

People do the impossible in our walls.

But when so many are denied this moment, my heart breaks. What will grief journeys be like when the space for farewell is delayed, or worse, never offered?

With the limitations on all gatherings of any kind, joyful or mournful, people world-wide are experiencing many, many forms of loss. Additionally, there is no one to turn to for comfort who isn’t discomforted themselves. The emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs arising out of this pandemic are very real.

So, in anticipation of these needs, I want to offer some ideas and ways for us to practically begin putting into action self-care that goes beyond our physical health.

Below is a list of various mental and spiritual health ideas or organizations that are online and easily accessible.

Spiritual Direction – I have been seeing my spiritual director for almost a year. The one hour of the month that I spend with her is precious, precious time. When I leave I feel heard, cared for and challenged into growth. It’s refreshing and calming – I can breath again. Spiritual Directors are trained, skilled listeners that ask deep questions. A good spiritual director will create a safe space of intentional listening with openness and non-judgement. Most spiritual directors are able to offer Zoom or other ways to meet virtually.
- GraftedLife – specializes in serving individuals within the broader Christian faith.
- Spiritual Directors International – offers spiritual companionship for most major religions and for non-religious peoples.
Teletherapy – Did you ever think you could find and see a therapist through an app? There are now many specialized services out there for those seeking professional guidance. If you even have the smallest pinch of curiosity I would encourage you from the truest part of me to go after it. Therapy has been a gift in my life that continues to give even years after I finished my sessions. Go.
- BetterHelp – has over 3,000 licensed and trained therapists with wide ranges of specialties.
- ReGain – specializes in couples therapy, which is likely VERY needed as we shelter-in-place right now.
- For a list of other specialized therapy services that can be found online, click here .

My favorites:

(Please note, this is a simple list of places I’ve found solace, peace, laughter and hope as I’ve sheltered at home with 2 small children. This is a personal list of things that are really just making my life better right now).

- - Some Good News – created and hosted by John Krasinski (aka Jim from The Office ) to feature beautiful, uplifting stories. If you haven’t watched these yet, prepare for happy and heart-warming tears and full belly-laughs. These are a MUST.
  - Calm – a beautiful app that offers anything from inspiring daily quotes to meditation and sleep stories. Follow them on Instagram , Facebook or learn more here .
  - Unlocking U s – Brené Brown’s new podcast, specifically this episode with bereavement expert and Elizabeth Kübler-Ross protegé, David Kessler. Their conversation over bereavement and how COVID-19 is impacting us has given me so much freedom and food-for-thought.
  - Virtual Wine & Cheese night – I’ve done quite a few of these now with my in-laws and other close friends. Sharing a favorite drink while snacking and catching up through a Zoom or Facetime call can be surprisingly fun and easy. We may have felt awkward about this before COVID but I think many of us are missing our people enough right now that any way we can be together in real-time is truly a blessing.

My hope is that no matter where you are on the spectrum of bereavement you might find something uplifting, deepening, and healing in these offerings. A friend of mine said to me, “If we come out of this thing the same way we went in, we’ve done it wrong.” And while I think COVID is changing all of us – let’s do what we can to find transformation, courage, and hope as we continue to walk into the unknown.

Funerals in a Time of Quarantine

Thu, 19 Mar 2020 04:00:00 GMT

Just yesterday I saw something I’ve never seen before at a funeral for a young mom and her daughter, killed together in a car accident. Over a thousand people wanted to attend their service but the health precautions kept all but immediate family from attending the actual service. Hundreds of people gathered in pockets to webcast the service and line the streets of the procession. But they also did the most beautiful thing.

The pastor was deeply upset that the church would effectively be empty despite the tragedy and outpouring of love from the community. So, an idea came forward – “what if we fill the empty seats with yellow flowers?” Yellow was Rosa’s signature color. And so, each family that could not be present in the pews sent bouquets of yellow flowers to shine love in their place. The empty places were filled and a family was dearly loved in a visible and tangible way.

…

Funerals in a time of quarantine

Something this time of quarantine is teaching me is that we have instinctual urges to gather when in crisis. The idea of quarantine is hard and foreign because it goes against our human nature. When stress and anxiety hit we want to be together . It seems in this pandemic, the way we are “together” is by being united in our safety efforts which is lovely, but lonely.

If you are unfortunate enough to have not only lost a loved one recently, but to also be facing the many obstacles of orchestrating a normal funeral right now – I just want to say I am so sorry. You don’t need this extra stress – you have so much already. But, here you are and you need a plan, maybe some ideas.

First and foremost, I want to make it clear that you need to have this funeral. It will be up to you and your family about when and where and how – but please trust me when I say that you will not regret making this funeral happen.

The funeral event is a type of rite-of-passage for bereaved people. It’s not that it’s magical or you’re ok at the end – but it provides a transition point for our grief. The funeral is the point in time where we gather publicly to say “goodbye” and there is something to that that we see as a marker in the grief journey.

I am deeply concerned and saddened for families who may be deprived or cheated out of this opportunity due to the timing of the pandemic and quarantine precautions.

Do we postpone?

Funerals are times of compulsive gathering. But right now, invitations are extremely limited – if allowed at all (we are still allowing them, fyi). Some might suggest postponing, which isn’t a bad option, but there are several reasons that it might be more difficult to postpone than you think. A couple things to keep in mind if postponing:

SET A DATE. Set a date in the future where the larger community can come together to remember your loved one. Having a date gives your mind a place to dwell in the future, something very important and helpful for moving yourself forward in the early grieving days. Additionally, we have seen repeatedly that families who discuss having services “later” but don’t have a date, generally never follow through.
Some funeral events are time-sensitive. In particular, viewing your loved one – something our staff and bereavement experts highly recommend. Having an open casket at a public ceremony will likely not be an option. But close family and friends can still have that special, limited gathering.

So, what should you do if you cannot have the funeral you were planning?

Below is a list of creative & practical suggestions about how to still have this powerful experience in a time of quarantine.

Webcast the service. We are offering this as a complimentary service to all of our families while the quarantine efforts are underway.
If you are attending a service via webcast, consider still dressing up for the service. Before hand, take time to light a candle and find a quiet place. Creating the appropriate atmosphere can help you feel the weight and importance of the funeral event even at a distance.
Send the family a physical card with a thought-out, personal note. Maybe even set up a time in the future where you could get together with them and share memories.
Post a comment or picture to the online memorial as a way of “signing the guestbook”
If you’re invited to a postponed funeral – GO. Don’t let the excuses get to you.
Fill the seats with flowers.

Wishing you all calm, safety and peace.

Not ready to be happy

Wed, 19 Feb 2020 05:00:00 GMT

I believe there comes a period in mourning where we begin to realize we are returning. Life, light and a few smiles somehow make their way past our dark gates of grief. It’s surprising and perhaps even exciting – but almost immediately it also feels threatening and fearful.

Grievers often feel a loyalty to their pain. This pain of grief can become a stand-in companion for the loved one being mourned. There can be a sense that only when we are holding tightly to our grief are we being loyal to the memory of our loved one. But if we continued in this without wavering, we would, in a sense, die too.

Life is so peculiar the way it continues on after tragedy. If you’ve experienced a deep grief (and I assume you have because why else would you be here?), you know the utter shock of looking out your window and seeing the world moving about unaffected. When our interior world is destroyed it is natural for us to expect the exterior world to reflect that. I think it is a blessing that it doesn’t. While the world’s moving feels offensive at first, it is something we will come to need and benefit from.

So, back to that part I was talking about in the beginning – the part of bereavement where we feel a tug back to the light. I have no statistics, nothing on this whatsoever than a gut feeling. I think when we feel that warmth of the sun there is at first so much comfort and then, because grief is so complex , there can almost immediately be guilt, disgust and a hurried retreat into the safety of the cold.

Not ready to be happy …

A friend aptly described this as the time when we aren’t “ready to be happy yet”. It’s as if we know it’s just outside the front door, waiting for us, but we need a little more time to put things away inside, make sure the windows are shut, and curling iron off before we venture out. and It takes time, practice, and self-permission to re-enter into the sun.

Please do not mistake this metaphor for the idea that we leave the house of grief, neatly put away, locked up and never to return. It is the opposite. Our house is our life; a home to grief that we return to after every retreat into the sun. We occupy our grief always, but slowly, slowly we might occasionally pull the curtain and for a while see our dark rooms a little differently.

The time will come when the curtains are opened wider and longer. That time will come. Do not rush it. If you’re not yet “ready to be happy” then your grief is where you and your attention belong. There is no magical timing to this, only your interior sense. And after all, when you do find yourself able to feel some happiness, let yourself savor it. The sorrow will always be there; it’s gift is that it makes joy all the sweeter.

The Many Losses of a Grieving Person

Thu, 23 Jan 2020 05:00:00 GMT

The loss of a loved one is tremendous. It is the greatest loss. Yet, there are other, smaller but significant losses that often follow a person in grief.

There is the common experience of a period of hibernation or withdrawal from normal social activities. But, bereavement sometimes changes our orientation to society altogether and without our permission. Widowers who used to find themselves often out with other couples may suddenly find themselves neglected. For many bereaved people company decreases or evaporates altogether.

There are many friendships that do not pass the test of grief and many grievers who experience an unwanted refining fire that reveals the true friendships of their life. Time and healing can revive lesser friendships, but grief has a way of laser-pointing the people who best love us.

Not all is loss …

I’ve entitled this post the “many losses of a grieving person” – and to be sure I couldn’t list them all. But I think there is also a singular, tremendous blessing in seeing with clarity where you are loved and treasured. At times it may feel like only your dog is there for you, or perhaps just a handful of friends. These ties will endure in their meaning and be tremendous sources of strength even when they are no longer the only sources.

How to navigate …

Do not despair but have patience. You are not as alone as you think and that will become clear.
Leave behind the relationships that no longer serve. Mourn them, but don’t torture or be tortured.
Have boundaries. There will be helpers, wanted and some possibly unwanted. Just because someone has good intentions does not mean thoughtless remarks or actions need to be continually endured.
Carry kindness. Hold on to this as tightly for yourself as you do for others.

Grief’s first steps are wrought with loss of unexpected kinds. Being aware of the difficulty of what you’re doing and knowing others will struggle to be in this with you can be incredibly helpful to understand. Having compassion for yourself and those walking (or crawling) along with you, will not be something you regret.

Should Holiday Traditions Change if Your Life has Changed?

Thu, 12 Dec 2019 05:00:00 GMT

Holidays are celebrated and kept precious with traditions. In this constantly changing world, we cling to the comfort of something constant.

What do we do when our tradition is broken by a death?

Difficult decisions and thoughts swirl.

My husband died, will anyone remember to get ME a present this year?

How do I even get out of bed Christmas morning without my child?

Mom always loved hosting New Years Eve – do we do it without her?

Sometimes traditions just accentuate the painful loss and cease to be sources of comfort. Some traditions die with people. This is where the need for new traditions is very real and important.

I think the biggest obstacle to creating new traditions is awkwardness or fear.

It’s incredible how good we can be at NOT saying what is most on our minds. It’s the first Christmas Eve without grandpa but everyone is too afraid to say anything.

Afraid of vulnerability, afraid of causing someone else pain, afraid of not knowing exactly what to say.

There are many excuses for staying silent. But there is a deep human need to speak, hear the names, and tell the stories of our loved ones.

At our Candlelight Service of Remembrance last week I was talking with Paulette, one of our lovely Service Directors. She was telling me about her family’s Thanksgiving and how they took time before their meal to pause and cherish the memory of all the family members that had died. Some of the deaths were more peripheral or only significant to one or two people but their loss was named and their grief was counted. A profound space was made for their family.

When I asked if this was a tradition she said, “Oh yes, every year and we always have a single candle lit for everyone who has died.”

Actions and words empower, embolden, and open up the opportunity for connection. And what are traditions? Actions and words on repeat. Our traditions should connect us and promote healing and honesty and if they don’t, they ought to be adjusted.

If you are grieving this year, I would deeply encourage you to enfold an act of remembrance into your holiday traditions.

Set a place at the table for your loved one as a way of still including their joyful spirit into your gathering.
Light a candle in honor of the person or people you are missing.
Create an ornament for your tree in memory of your loved one. Each year this will be a special piece you put on your tree and tell others about.
Before a meal, say a few words about the person you are remembering and how their life changed yours. Make it specific, “His love for me was a security and comfort I hope I can give to my children …”
Find one other person you know is also grieving and connect with them over your shared sorrow.

I promise you that incorporating a practice of remembering into your holiday tradition will bring you and many others profound peace.

Wishing a meaning-full holiday time

When People Die During the Holidays: Brutal & Beautiful

Thu, 21 Nov 2019 05:00:00 GMT

I was a week shy of being a year old when my grandpa died unexpectedly on Thanksgiving. While I don’t remember the tragedy of the day or his lovely, southern accent, Thanksgiving has always been a time when we’ve talked about him.

It was an unspoken and informal way that my dad remembered my grandpa and my mom. Simply by playing the song he created a brief space where there was solemn pause and dear remembrance.

We still do this. I hope we will always do this.

20 years later, my other grandpa died on December 23 ^rd . The eve of Christmas Eve. I don’t remember anything about that Christmas. What I do remember is being with him that last night, massaging his head as he lay in his hospice bed at home, surrounded by his children who all shared stories of past Christmases together. It was a beautiful and brutal night.

Last week my dad had a heart attack. It was “mild” they say, but it didn’t seem mild and without the amazing doctors he had it could’ve been much, much worse. That was also a brutal and beautiful day – waking up in terror and going to bed in hope. I’ve done the opposite and I know how blessed I am to have him with me still.

This idea of brutal and beautiful – it works. I hate that people die and around the holidays truly seems like the worst possible time. It is, and it isn’t. I’ve found that having these death-anniversaries pinned to Thanksgiving and Christmas has given my family a natural space to recall and speak of the grandpas we are missing when we gather. The holidays themselves have become a mixture of beautiful and brutal memories.

What you can d o at a family gathering …

If you are missing and grieving someone (even if they died 30 years ago), you can and you should talk about them . We all benefit from stories, from real life, from sharing our pain and joy with each other. The act of remembering doesn’t always take a lot of words. There’s isn’t always a lot to say. Sometimes it’s just listening to a song together, sometimes it’s counting the years since we were together with them. It doesn’t have to be grand, time-consuming, or forced.

But if you feel a need, do something about it. If you are feeling it, it is VERY LIKELY someone else is as well.

So, say their name, count the years, and toast your mugs of hot cocoa and do it all, in brutal, beautiful remembrance.

Claim Your Grief Space

Thu, 17 Oct 2019 04:00:00 GMT

First of all, let me say that this “grief space” is going to look different for everyone. We all know there is no one-size-fits-all way to approach grieving (though it would be so nice if there was!), and so this process is something that will require you to consider ways that you process and incorporate change.

We’ve all seen examples of unresolved grief on television – just watch any episode of Hoarders or Kitchen Nightmares. The horrific scenarios in these shows are often the result of a traumatic event or death in the person’s past. Often, the loss was never dealt with and now their life is spiraling out of control. And it makes sense; if we don’t face reality, even a painful one, we won’t live or function in sync with reality.

We live in a society that can admire people for “going back to work” after a death. We explain it by saying, “Oh, they need to work to keep themselves busy”. While there is some room for that behavior as a way to cope, what it seems we are really saying is, “it’s ok to actively avoid grief. ”

Claim Your Grief Space

Like a little kid, we don’t want the fun to end, even when a nap is exactly what we need. To admit we are tired or in a reality of grief is hard and sometimes denial seems like it could work. It doesn’t (see crying child reference above).

Denial will never, ever work. In fact, it will actually compound and enhance your grief.

Additionally, avoiding grief can often invite in unneeded guilt. People can feel like they aren’t “doing” enough or “feeling” anything and conclude something is wrong with them. When we set time aside we are DOING something and opening ourselves up to possibly FEELING our sorrow. There’s no wrong way to do this other than, arguably, not doing it.

Do you grieve organically or should you plan it out?

We are so addicted to the drug of being “busy” that we neglect the idea of pausing or making space for life to happen to us.

If you sense that you are needing some space to grieve or process something unresolved, you need to give this to yourself. Your responsibilities/job/life may not allow for time away to do this, so you’ll need to sense or plan when you need time to grieve. I know it sounds strange to “schedule” grief, but I think that it can be a very helpful way to think about and treat grief. In the beginning, grief may be uncontrollable or show up at precisely the most unexpected time. So, we get busy to avoid these outbursts and that is so understandable.

Take one weekend a month where you stay home and practice self-care by getting a massage, taking a favorite walk, or taking a long nap (or two!).
Plan an afternoon each week where you remember your loved one by making a favorite meal or watching a movie you enjoyed together.
Write a letter to your loved one for just 10 minutes a day. Setting an alarm is helpful as it keeps you from feeling you need to keep writing. The truth is you’ll be right back tomorrow to say more.

Many people experience grief organically and intuitively know when to take an afternoon off. If you know you’ll be avoidant of your grief, waiting isn’t a good option. Planning ahead for yourself can be very healing and helpful.

My hope is that you would feel empowered to claim space for your grief. And that by intentionally working through your new reality, you would be able to engage more fully and beautifully with the life you are living.

Grief and the Need for Sacred Space

Tue, 10 Sep 2019 04:00:00 GMT

It seems impossible that 9/11 happened to us 18 years ago. EIGHTEEN years. To me, this is proof that time is in fact, not a healer, but a carrier. We are held and carried by time further and further away from the moment of anguish. I think this is as comforting as it is terrifying for a grieving person to comprehend. To move away from the day is to move away from “them”. And while distractions, acceptance and changed habits slowly move us into less-pain-filled-space, our grief will remain and our wound stays tender when touched.

Cemeteries are hallowed ground.

Memorials keep us present with what has passed.

Online tributes are permanent internet markers that acknowledge a life that took up space.

A moment of silence is a paused and muted time reserved with care for a grief too great to speak about.

Grief requires a space to exist in. A day set aside, an anniversary that we commemorate. Whether you feel the need to grieve 9/11 with action or space is yours to determine, but the griefs of your life deserve and need a space to exist.

The wonderful thing about placing our grief is that we don’t have to live in it all the time. Just as not every day is Christmas Day, not every day is (or should be) 9/11. We cannot live in the constancy of a grief-space and time helps us not to.

Make a sacred space today.

When Your Grief is Invisible: Infertility and the Grief Experience

Thu, 25 Apr 2019 04:00:00 GMT

This week is Infertility Awareness week. Infertility has an invisibility to it that few other griefs do. When someone dies, people notice. But what if there is no body to bury or no name to say? What if the loss is invisible?

Let’s face it, our society struggles enough to talk about tangible losses. How much better do you think we handle an intangible loss? The early miscarriage, or 6 miscarriages? The death of the dream of being biological parents? We don’t do well because it is so very sad and hard to accept that pain like this exists. But if we want to live truthfully and in reality, cultivating a willingness to be with

Furthermore, the inability to get pregnant is not a one-time grief. It is suffered with each negative pregnancy test. A repeated gut punch to a lovely but ever-increasingly-desperate hope. There’s a torture to it that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Some ways that we fail people struggling with infertility is by giving advice.

“You should try this supplement …”

“Just keep trying …”

“Well you can still be parents, just adopt.”

These are some of the fix-it phrases that pop into all of our minds when we want to see someone’s suffering go away – when we want it to become invisible again. But ultimately, they do more damage than good. While a mature person may be able to sense some form of care behind the mask of the fix-it phrase, mostly these comments just further isolate couples from sharing their painful reality.

While some people who endure infertility for a time find success through treatment, this is not the reality for all couples. We see stories online of families who couldn’t have children, then adopted and then got pregnant. Those are wonderful stories. The danger is the dismissive assumption that all of these stories have this fairytale quality to their endings.

So, if someone you know has suffered infertility I would encourage you to reach out this week. This may require some bravery on your part – that’s good, you can do hard things. Maybe send a card ( here’s a good one ), let them know you are thinking of them, or include them in an outing this week. Basically, just look for ways to be a good friend and someone who is safe to talk to – even if it doesn’t come up or you don’t talk long. Simply being available and open to other’s pain is a valuable gift to give.

Seeing Signs: Love From Beyond the Grave

Fri, 29 Mar 2019 04:00:00 GMT

Ok, so this title may sound a little … different – thanks for clicking anyway : )

Have you ever wished for a “sign”? I know I have. “If this is what I’m supposed to do, please give me a sign”. We offer this thought to God or the universe and hope that something – anything divine will happen. Whenever we want a sign, what we really want is peace. After all, a “sign” represents supernatural reassurance that we are not alone or adrift. It is a divine symbol that brings reassurance and peace to your heart and mind.

Many bereaved people report having seen a sign from their loved one. They describe the event as calming, sweet, reassuring and often occurring “just when I needed it.”

It feels like they are there with you. And even better, you are not alone.

For others signs can look like meeting someone with the same name as their loved one, seeing a rainbow, or feeling a warm breeze.

While having experiences like these are not necessary to move through grief, it does seem that for the people who feel them tremendous peace follows. The idea that their loved one remembers and is present with them is deeply comforting.

I would also argue that this is one of those phenomenons where it seems random or coincidental, unless you’ve experienced it. Yes, as grievers we are in need of peace more than almost any other time in life, but we generally believe it is far away and perhaps out of reach. The surprise of these symbols is that they are so often abstract but instantly recognizable. The griever has no doubt of the intent of the symbol, meant just for them, full of deep meaning and connection.

Have you ever experienced something like this? A pure certainty that someone you loved was still loving you in the best way they could? I dearly hope so. I also hope that you do not doubt the validity or preciousness of your experience.

And beyond that, I hope that if you ever hear a story like this you don’t question it or think it’s silly. These signs make a world of difference for the person receiving them.

The BEST Sympathy Cards and What to Write in Them

Wed, 27 Feb 2019 05:00:00 GMT

The personal touch of a sympathy card is a warm and thoughtful way of continuing to reach out to someone you love.

But so many of us are intimidated by any sort of expression of sympathy, worried we’ll say the wrong thing or – a concern I’ve heard often – that we’ll just be reminding them of their loss – AS IF they have forgotten!

It’s worthwhile, kind and thoughtful to reach out to people we know that are grieving. While many of us might text our sympathy these days, there is a lack of weight to the receipt of a text message. We can’t hold it in our hands, see the craft and care that went into the hand-writing or selection of the card.

So, below are a few cards that I think would be lovely to hunt down or order to have on hand and some tips on what to write and NOT write in a sympathy card.

Rifle Paper Co. has some simple and beautiful cards to choose from and these can be found at local stores like Paper Source or ordered online.

Emily McDowell is a cancer survivor who may have just created the BEST “Empathy” cards out there. Please peruse her work for authentic, and sometimes laugh-out-loud sentiments that also profoundly hit home. She has a card for you, I promise. (these are available online at her website)
- If you feel like it’s been too long to send anything, SEND THIS!
- If you know someone going through chemo, send this .
- If you want the perfect card for unspecified pain, send this (it’s my favorite).

Compendium’s line of Positively Green cards has some wonderful quotes that work beautifully for more formal relationships or serious-minded people. These cards are thoughtful, unique, and eco-friendly. Many of these can be found in stores as well.

And now a little bit about what not to send or say in your card.

Do not use the words “ at least ” ANYWHERE in your card.
Do not make promises you cannot keep.
If you do not intend to reach out to them, don’t say you are “here” for them. Grieving people have a well-developed radar for faux-support and that phrase is just that. Proactively reach out again and again with kind, helpful gestures like meals or checking-in with a phone call or text.
Don’t say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” They have heard this phrase on repeat and it holds nothing of substance.

So, give this a try:

Write down a memory or special quality you loved about the person that died.
Share a way that they’ve changed your life or perhaps a way in which you plan to remember and honor them.
Be truthful . If this is hard for you to write, say that. If you don’t know what to say but you just love them, say that. You can’t mess that up and your honesty will be treasured.

Finally, just know that reaching out in this way is significant and meaningful. It doesn’t need to be elaborate or flowery. Sincere and from the heart – there’s nothing more meaningful than that.

It’s OK to be Sad at Christmas

Wed, 19 Dec 2018 05:00:00 GMT

If you are sad this Christmas, it is ok.

We tend to feel that the holidays aren’t a time for sadness. That we should magically “feel better” or at least pretend to be doing fine. And while around some people it may be easier or best to pretend, it is important that with ourselves and our trusted friends, we be honest.

Share your sorrow with someone who also shares it. If a friend or family member has died this year, others are also missing them. Reach out, be a connection and remind them – affirm for yourself – no one is alone.

Rarely does any conversation about grief remain sad the entire time. People are remarkable in that way. I don’t know that I’ve attended a funeral where no one laughed. People love to laugh and the laughs come easier the sadder the moment is. So don’t put off mentioning something sad because you are afraid you’ll ruin an evening. You won’t – you’ll enrich it with your honesty and truth and likely, a funny story of memory will be triggered that sparks joy.

It’s ok to be sad at Christmas. It’s right that you miss the person who has always been with you and who suddenly isn’t anymore.

Face your sorrow with acceptance and honesty. Look at this Christmas and name it – it could be a hard, sad, miserable Christmas, maybe the worst one you’ll ever have. Name it and in doing so, take the pressure off of yourself to make it something it can’t be this year.

There is freedom in truth. And there is healing in ceremony.

Light a candle, listen to a song, put out a favorite ornament or bake a favorite dessert – do something small that reminds you of them and brings their presence into your Christmastime. There are simple things you can do to instill tradition, keep their memory close, and move through Christmas with meaning.

That is my hope for all of you who are sad and grieving this Christmas.

Grieving Through the Holidays

Mon, 19 Nov 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Grieving Through the Holidays

For so many families the holidays hold the promise of togetherness, familiarity, tradition and comfort. But for the grieving, every one of these words is shattered and opposed by new words like, apart, strange, broken and grieved.

So what does this “grieving through the holidays” look like? Feel like? What are your expectations? Fears? Anxieties?

Considering in advance what these holidays might be like for you can be one of the greatest helps to getting yourself through these days that feel emptied out of their usual joy.

Here are some things to consider in preparation:

Naming the events or traditions that you are worried about can help you prepare and create plans for how to move through them.

For example, if your mother has died and she traditionally made the Thanksgiving meal or a favorite dish, consider how you can honor and prepare for her absence. Maybe the tradition changes altogether and everyone eats Chinese food. Or maybe new family members find their way into the kitchen to help prepare the meal and you take on her signature dish.

There’s no right or wrong in the scenario above, there’s just answering the question of, “what would be best for me and my family this year?” – and that can be answered very differently by each individual. What feels right for you may not feel right for your sibling or parent. That doesn’t put either of you in the right or the wrong. This is one of the messier and more confusing parts of grief (as if it wasn’t hard enough). Navigating grief with others and making space for their process can stretching.

What are some ways you could share the love and legacy of your loved one?

Last month’s blog offered some unique ideas for keepsakes and ways to memorialize our loved ones. Placing a photo-ornament of your loved one on your tree may become a new tradition. Lighting a candle for them beside a favorite photograph is another simple way to bring their presence into your gathered time together. We too often make the mistake of thinking “If I remind others he is missing it will make them sad”. It’s so untrue. It is when we seem to forget or intentionally omit the people we miss that we do the most damage. Acknowledging what everyone is already feeling doesn’t exacerbate the pain. Acknowledgement gives it a communal place to be and comforts those hurting by reminding them they are not alone.

Find someone to bless this holiday season.

I’ve read about people who have chosen to give at a time when they are typically the ones receiving. While grieving people are in particular need during the holidays, they may also crave the feeling of being helpful to others.

A special need that O’Connor has donated to this Christmas is the SmileMakers Program founded by the Council on Aging. This program gives a wrapped gift of new, fresh clothing to a senior citizen who is alone this holiday season. There are so many ways we can publicly or privately give to others. Being a blessing when you are in need of blessings yourself is a beautiful way to grow your pain into something more meaningful and transformative.

Because of this blog and community I am always leery of wishing anyone a “happy” holiday. So instead, I wish you a meaning-full holiday season with surprise joys and heart-connections.

How to Talk About Tough Things, Like Suicide

Thu, 20 Sep 2018 04:00:00 GMT

Last month a church in southern California lost their senior pastor to suicide. A friend of mine asked if I had heard about Inland Hills in passing and then said, “oh nevermind, it’s too sad. I don’t wan’t want to think about it.” My first thought was a scandal of some kind, and I didn’t investigate. Then, another friend shared something on Instagram that grabbed my attention.

This stunned me. It is such a sad story. But it doesn’t hide, mask, or mis-color what happened. The church did something it should always do; it told the truth. I have thought about this post (and this poor family) so much over the past two weeks. The clarity of their message continues to impress me with the trust they have in people to handle the truth, however hard.

Stories like this are powerful and timely reminders for Suicide Prevention Month.

When we begin to have conversations about tough things with openness and transparency stigmas begin to fall away. The church’s plain message left no one to guess, gossip, or wonder what happened. It didn’t cover his death with a whispered shame and hide the family away. His wife has written on her blog ,

“Your story is paving the way for an even bigger conversation about how the church can better come alongside people with mental illness, including pastors. God is using your story and this tragedy to do miracles in the lives of other people. As much as I don’t want to, I can’t help but see God’s hand in all of this….Only God can turn the greatest tragedy in my life into triumph.”

This is a message of hope, purpose and sympathy. The kind of message we need. The kind of message that points forward with a need and looks back with love.

A quick story …

My uncle is a senior pastor at New Heights church in Washington. When a member of his congregation died by suicide, he was intentional to say at the funeral that this man’s life would not be remembered only for the tragedy of his death. He spoke of the wonderful aspects of the mans life, his accomplishments, his friends and family. At the end, he asked the family, sitting up front, to stand and turn around and look out over the community touched by their loved one’s life. He then asked that community to applaud the legacy of their friend.

I promise you that that funeral experience will never be forgotten by anyone who was in attendance that day.

In that moment, the true legacy was remembered and honored. People didn’t leave forgetting he’d died by suicide, but they did leave remembering and knowing that his LIFE was what had been so important.

These are transformative ways of talking about suicide, and these are the ways we need to talk about not just suicide, but all of life. Imagine an honest world, honest people, truth all around. When we can tell the truth in our most painful experiences, we open the doors wide for others to no longer live silently in pain. When we recognize where meaning lies in spite of the distraction of tragedy, we let the light shine where it should.

So, join me. Let’s be a part of this needed conversation and lead others in healthy and honest dialogues about tough things, like suicide.

Living in Light of the Boundary of Death: A Story of Land and Water

Wed, 29 Aug 2018 04:00:00 GMT

I recently read a new book called, With the End in Mind where the author, Kathryn Mannix, described at the end how she moves through life with hope and openness despite her daily job of sitting by deathbeds. She spoke about dying in a way I had never heard before – not dramatically or fearfully or even calmly, her words held conviction and peace. At the end of her book she writes that death is a “mandated temporal boundary that makes time and relationships priceless.” And she is comforted by that. She goes on to say,

Woah.

I love this.

As I thought about the incredible symbolism of that dark passenger ever reminding us that time is fleeting, I thought of the ocean. In college, I visited Utah and felt a distinct discomfort over the intensive all-surrounding mountain scape. I remember thinking, “this doesn’t end … there’s no place close where all of this stops”. It made me realize that the ocean was a very important place in my subconscious. Important because it was an ever-present and only-miles-away place where the toil, traffic, and demands of our human constructs cease.

I believe this natural boundary is a gift that we rarely recognize for what it is – an end. We need ends, boundaries, places that save us from more of the same.

The ocean is, for me, a perspective clearer – much in the way that death is. When in the presence or contemplation of either concept, there is awe, fear, power, wonder and an eventual retreat away. Most of us don’t stay at the beach just as most of us don’t desire or need to be in constant company with our mortality.

So, when do we go to the beach and seek out what it offers us? Many of us go when we want a break or on a special vacation. Others go to the beach when we are troubled and need a place to refresh and renew our weary perspective. It feels uncomfortable to say that the ocean is a metaphor for death, like I’m turning something beautiful into something bleak. But I feel that the idea of this is so in line with Mannix’s philosophy and approach to death. She views death as so much more normal than we ever want to believe it is. And with a look of awe over the story of death, she finds the symbolism of it in nature comforting rather than frightening.

My hope is that this idea of the ocean and what it can represent for us, gives us a sense of comfort and familiarity with checking in on our mortality. When we check in on it, our perspectives are refocused and honed giving us intention to live better. And we don’t just need this once in our lives, but repeatedly. Maybe even, as often as we go to the beach.

Missing Your Dad on Father’s Day

Thu, 14 Jun 2018 04:00:00 GMT

Living intentionally with people is paramount to living well. I also believe intentionality is essential to grieving well.

Father’s Day hits a tender spot. Every year as I write posts about mothers and fathers I’m struck by the feeling of each day. Mother’s Day feels pink and rosy, the prime of spring, and there’s a fresh sweetness to it that just fits with the idea of celebrating our moms. Father’s Day is at the cusp of glorious, adventure-filled summer and there’s a nostalgia that comes with that of our days playing in the yard, family vacations and ice cold drinks.

If you are grieving this Father’s Da y I want to encourage you to prepare some unique ways to honor your father. For some people there is a desire to do this privately and there is beauty in that, (just be careful you’re not isolating yourself because of possible discomfort). Others may want to involve family and friends of theirs who would also benefit from being together and telling stories.

The only wrong way to grieve is to not do it. Avoiding Father’s Day or “trying not to think about it” will only make the day all the more painful next year and the year after. Being intentional about being present in grief is the healthiest way to acknowledge what was and what is lost.

Below are some prompts that can help you as you begin to think about intentionally honoring your dad.

Think of some of your favorite memories with your dad. Are they tethered to a place, a taste or an experience? Select a part of those memories that you could re-create on Father’s Day. If it was playing baseball with him, go to a baseball game or throw around a ball with some friends. If it was getting pizza and watching a favorite movie, do that.
What were some words of wisdom or favorite phrases of your dad? Put them up on your chalk board or share them on a social media post with a photo of him.
What were some of your dad’s habits or eccentricities? Find fun or sweet ways to share with siblings or friends the memorable quirks that made your dad special.

I think you get the idea; i t doesn’t need to be extravagant or expensive, it just needs to fit who he was.

The word “honor” can sound big and overwhelming but it’s in the simplest of rituals that we can say, “Dad, I’m remembering you today. I know you would have loved this and I miss you.”

Wishing you a Father’s Day of special simplicity, significant memories and peace.

Intentionally Commemorating Mother’s Day

Thu, 10 May 2018 04:00:00 GMT

Whether this is your first Mother’s Day as a bereaved person or your 50th, Mother’s Day brings all of us pause. As we take time to think about our own mothers or perhaps the children we are missing that made us mothers – it’s important that we be present with the reality of those relationships. If you can be with your mom and your children are well – you should freely have the full joy of this day. Take pictures, speak from your heart, and try to make clear memories of the sweetness of health and family.

If your relationships are no longer tangible and you are grieving for your mother or child, you may be dreading this Mother’s Day. But there is an intentional design behind the annual commemoration of Mothers and Fathers and it doesn’t preclude the deceased. These holidays exist to honor life and celebrate our significant relationships – past or present. Pausing each year to pay special attention to these relationships gives us gifts of perspective and appreciation. Practicing a meaningful observation of these holidays is healthy and full of meaning for us.

I want to invite you to prepare for this Mother’s Day – to intentionally and thoughtfully create your ways of remembering. Don’t let Mother’s Day sneak up on you and don’t miss the meaning it could hold for you.

So, plan in advance – it will help to take away the dread or anxiety tethered to this day. Here are some ideas for things you could do:

Visit an important site connected with your loved one. This could be their grave, a childhood home, or that favorite ice cream spot you visited on special occasions. It can be so helpful to get out of the house and go somewhere. Being a part of the world and enjoying the sacredness of a memory-filled place is a helpful way to honor the day.
Make an effort to say their name aloud to someone. Saying their name is an incredibly simple and powerful way to honor and remember your loved one.
Explore your memories. Look through some old photos, savor the nostalgia, and share some stories with a friend or loved one.
Honor their presence in your life. Consider a few of your favorite attributes of your mother or child. Share these thoughts by raising a glass at your family brunch or write a thank you note to your loved one for all they’ve taught you.

These elements won’t take away the sting of grief but they will give you a place to focus that energy. Stifling or avoiding these opportunities to mourn, remember and cherish are unhealthy ways to go through these days. There is relief and gratefulness for people who give the time and effort, even just a few minutes, to honor our loved ones who have died. Don’t miss it, be in it.

Wishing you a Mother’s Day of memories and peace.

Making Meaning by Donating Life: Register to Donate

Tue, 17 Apr 2018 04:00:00 GMT

A friend of mine shared that April is National Donate Life Month and pointed the way to the Donate Life Registry page . I registered. It felt so right and good to register myself as an organ and tissue donor. I was surprised at myself for not having done this before because I believe it is incredible. Organ and tissue donation is something we see regularly at the mortuary and I’ve always been so moved by the choice to donate in the ultimate way.

Scrolling through the faces on Donate Life California: Stories of Hope page is stunning. Every one of these people is living or in better health because of choices made to donate.

If you remember, last month I wrote about “ meaning making ” and the challenge it is for any bereaved person to find peace and rest from all of the WHY? questions. These answers are even harder to come by when life is taken in senseless and tragic ways. But, the majority of organ and tissue donors come from exactly that group of people; the ones who die unexpectedly and suddenly. It doesn’t make their death “ok” or give instant peace – nothing can do that. But over time, knowing other people’s lives are prolonged and their families are saved from your current grief – there is meaning there.

Just one person’s organ and tissue donation can save the lives of up to 8 people and dramatically improve the lives of another 50. Multiply that by the family and friends whose lives are blessed by getting more time with their loved one. The impact of donation is truly unfathomable.

Please, consider becoming a donor. You can Register RIGHT Here . It takes less than one minute to sign up. If your experience is like mine, you may feel a joyous calm over that moment and throughout your day. Knowing that if tragedy struck, I could go on to help others is a deep and peace-giving assurance.

If you choose to register today, would you let us know in the comments? I would love to hear from you.

Molly

Should Funerals Be Honest?

Tue, 27 Feb 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Should Funerals Be Honest ?

A couple of days ago marked 4 years since I went through the training to become a Certified Celebrant with the Insight Institute. It was a perspective-altering experience that brought up a lot of uncertainty and discomfort with the way I had always seen funerals done.

It is common and understandable for people in the tumultuous days of immediate grief, to wrap the deceased person in an idealistic list of words. In these stories, extreme words used like “he was the greatest ” and “she never complained” run rampant (I feel especially cynical about the last one. If you never complain you’re probably not a person. ANYWAY). This extreme and absolute language becomes the safest and most comfortable way to talk about our loved ones – and we accept this. Our culture would be uncomfortable with a eulogist saying, “Yeah, he didn’t really try to be a good dad and he was pretty selfish, so we didn’t have a meaningful relationship and that makes me sad.” Can you imagine what that would be like? An honest funeral?

I think the tendency when we first hear the word “honest” in this context is to assume that it’s negative. No one wants a roast for a funeral, that would certainly be the wrong way to go. While honesty does offer an alternative to the exaggerated language we so easily toss around, it doesn’t mean the opposite of it. In fact, honesty is the middle ground that I think we should all be looking to step into.

Here’s an example for you:

Typical/idealized funeral tribute : “She was the best mom I could ever have asked for. She was always there for me and never made me feel unloved.”

Honest funeral tribute : “I admire how hard she tried. How when she struggled and sometimes got a little too angry, there would usually be a calmer conversation later. She valued her personal growth and our feelings and showed that to us with apologies and a mutual respect I didn’t see in other mothers.”

You can feel the heart in the second one, can’t you? It’s undeniably more fair, real, and in my opinion, more honoring to the woman’s life than the first. There is, perhaps, something for each of us to learn from this woman.

With the two tribute styles above in mind, I have couple questions for you:

Which offers something of value to the listener?
Is there one you relate to more?
Which would you walk away from having heard and felt grateful and moved?

My feeling is the honest tribute is the more profound and meaningful of the two.

So, what would happen at an honest funeral? Well, a few things that I think would be deeply beneficial:

We would recognize the person being talked about. My first and favorite celebrant funeral I attended opened with these words from Celebrant, Keith Page, “Smart ass, truck driving, Bud drinking …” and everyone nodded their heads – THIS was an accurate description of the man we were there to remember.
We could learn something lasting and meaningful. Instead of a recitation of facts, we might learn something about our friend and more about humanity. Don’t give the clichés, give me something that can help me live my life better because of them.
We would experience a greater acceptance of others and ourselves. That funeral for the “smart ass” was remarkable. It memorialized someone who struggled with addiction, PTSD, and deep emotional pain. It humanized an addicted Vietnam Veteran, it invited me to the realization that we are all in search of love – and sometimes, even when it’s in our face, we don’t feel we deserve it. His story was basic and tragically human – and even now, 4 years later – I am still moved by his story.

I believe that when honesty is invited to the table the opportunities for growth, respect and love are multiplied. We are all humans and we all love humans. Let’s stop burying the “greatest people who ever lived” and bury our troubled teens, our lonely widows, our workaholic fathers, our beloved but flawed mothers. Perhaps, if we are courageous enough to bury the true people we have loved, we can more clearly see how worthy of love we are ourselves.

Life Lessons from My Mentor, Patricia Kolstad

Tue, 30 Jan 2018 05:00:00 GMT

my mentor & friend

This blog is a small tribute to the extraordinary career of Patricia Kolstad and a guide for the kind of mentor we should seek to be and seek to have in our own lives.

Mentors are committed to “being there”

The work Pat has done professionally and personally to build and maintain relationships is founded on her belief in what is right. She is a helper, an encourager, someone who is there. And she has been there for so many. I admire her drive to bring care to the caretakers, to encourage the professionals who are so busy caring for others they lose themselves. She saw a need and she made choices and efforts to be there for these people. The caregiver to the caregivers.

Mentors value having many families

Pat is one of those people who makes you feel like family. She brings to her relationships a sincerity, depth, and loyalty that binds you together. Her dedication to her own family is deep and wide, and unbroken by anything. But Pat has many little pockets of other “families” – the ones she has created in her community and devoted herself to for the rest of her life. I love seeing the depths of these relationships and the diversity they bring to her life.

Mentors emphasize our continual need for wisdom

As someone who savors the wisdom of others, Pat has herself, become a sage whose advice I dearly cherish. Her 70th birthday party was decorated with tons of her favorite quotes and she gave them out as favors to all of us. She is a reliable source. She fights for justice but spills over with grace (I think it’s becoming very clear why she became my mentor).

Mentors demonstrate the power of honesty

Pat knows herself and isn’t shy about where she stands or what she thinks – but there is always room and a listening ear for any thought or situation. I trust Pat because she is not a flatterer but I also know how deeply she is rooting for the best in my life and she tells everyone how much she loves them all the time. Honesty given in the safety of love is a rich gift.

Mentors have the courage to change

At 71 (this is how honest she is!) Pat has opened her heart to a new love, a new home, a new future. It’s amazing. I think she is an example to anyone, throughout her life, of the bountiful yield that a teachable heart, deeply desirous of doing and being good, is capable of.

When I think of Pat I think of the line from my favorite song in Hamilton , “ What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. ” She has done just that. Her work has ensured that the truth about grief (and so many other issues) will continue to be spoken. I love that – I love that her life has and will continue to yield truth for others in their most desolate of places. She has seen to it that the caretakers in our community, both professional and family, have the opportunity to be cared for and be seen. She has given her heart to the heart-broken and her outstretched hands to those in need of support.

Pat is the bridge who brought Dr. Bill Hoy to our community professionals in south Orange County. Since 2001, their educational partnership has given away thousands of free Continuing Education Units to professionals all over southern California. She has had a career that has helped innumerable people; something she can be so deeply proud of.

Aunt Pat, your friendship and mentorship are some of the most significant of my life. I love you, dearly, Aunt Pat.

Talking with the Dead

Fri, 17 Nov 2017 05:00:00 GMT

I have learned so much from grieving people and I continue to be amazed at the creative, meaningful, and symbolic rituals they take on in the journey of missing their loved one.

Recently, I came across a story deeply grabbed my heart and that I am so thankful I listened to. From the podcast, This American Life , I listened to Episode #597, “One Last Thing Before I Go.”

Since the horror of the tsunami, the phone booth has become a place of connection for thousands of Japanese people seeking peace and connection to their relatives that died or are still missing.

A film documentary chronicled the journeys and words of visitors to the phone booth. These visits are heart-breaking, sobering, and tragically beautiful. People travel hours, hundreds of miles, to have a few minutes with the phone-on-the-wind.

I believe that the phone booth offers some deeply important healing elements to it’s visitors, things that I think most bereaved people crave but don’t know how to alleviate.

The symbol of connection – Symbols are so vital in the business of grief. This phone that has no wires or electricity; it carries words on a spiritual and natural wind – an idea that goes beyond the scientific or technological confines of this world. Symbols help us to find a way to peace and connection, a bond that lasts because it cannot be explained away.

A way to speak – Some people are able to get their thoughts and words out in journals, support groups, or prayer – but I think all of us would say that having the chance to just speak one more time to our loved one would be incredibly meaningful. The words that poured out from the souls that visited the booth were full of questions,

“Are you ok?”
“Are you cold?”
“Have you eaten anything?”
“Where are you?”

The translator on the episode explained that in Japanese culture the phrase “I love you” is not used. Instead, love is expressed through questions like the above, questions that express care, concern, and love. Over and over in the documentary you hear these questions, and so truly you are hearing a thousand different ways of saying, “I love you,” the very phrase they don’t say.

In the end, people walk out of the phone booth with no circumstantial change, their world is still vacant of a precious person, they may even feel more lonely leaving the booth. But I think they know that, and I think the comforting pain of the phone booth is not a reminder of their loneliness but a reprieve from it. To say, “I talked to … today,” is something we grievers would give anything to feel and say.

Why We Should All Celebrate The Day of the Dead

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 04:00:00 GMT

Why we should all celebrate the day of the dead //

Maybe you do, maybe you did something like this for the 1st year of life without them – but I would venture to say that you don’t and that generally, American culture is more comfortable pretending these days don’t need permanence in our calendar.

Disney/Pixar has captured my attention with their new film, Coco . This movie focuses on The Day of the Dead or, Dia de los Muertos , and the continuing bond that exists between the worlds of the living and of the dead. The holiday is celebrated widely in Mexican cultures from October 31st – November 2nd with activities ranging from making altars for the dead, praying for them, honoring their memory with the creation of calaveras (the small painted skulls) and bringing these and other gifts of Aztec marigolds and their favorite foods to the graves of their dead relatives.

Why we don’t celebrate it: I think without structures like these, people just don’t feel the permission or courage to ask for or create such a ritual. Left to their own imagination, a day celebrating the dead likely sounds very sad and lonely – which is I think the reason why so many people are afraid to mark anniversaries. If a community isn’t right there with us, or a premeditated day set aside, we will almost definitely miss some of the magic of memory and healing that the day could hold.

Why we should: There are so many things I admire about this and so many things I think our society as a whole would benefit from if these days existed on the American calendar the way they do in Mexico. Here’s what I find truly amazing about them:

Firstly , and most profoundly, they look death in the face. They acknowledge ANNUALLY the losses to their family by setting aside private places in their homes adorned with photographs, flowers, and favorite possessions of their loved one. There is a bravery, a permanence, and a structure that this creates for families in mourning. The fear of forgetting is gone, the guilt of not doing something cannot exist, the relationship with the deceased is not lost .

The second piece I love about this is the community experience of gathering. Coming together publicly to remember your own loss and recognize that you are not alone in your grief. You have your family, but there are also so many other families than you would imagine that are walking a similar path. We forget that so often in grief and it is such a helpful thing to remember.

If the Dia de los Muertos celebration isn’t part of your heritage, it can be. It can be as simple as carving a pumpkin with the initials of someone you are missing and lighting a candle within for them. It doesn’t need to be the all-out 3 days, or something that is inauthentically you but you should find something to do annually to remember your loved ones.

So, if that sounds like something good to you, come this year. It’s open to anyone who wants it. Please email me personally (mkeating@oconnormortuary.com) if you have questions or would like to attend. The details are below and we would love to have you.

Candlelight Service of Remembrance, Tuesday, December 5 at 7pm

Chapel at Mariners Church – 5001 Newport Coast Drive, Irvine 92603

RSVP and submit photo for the tribute by Friday, November 17th to blomaka@oconnormortuary.com or call (949) 581-4300

The Compounded Grief of Premature Deaths

Thu, 31 Aug 2017 04:00:00 GMT

There are no easy deaths – there are no situations where the grief experience isn’t difficult, complex, and sad. That said, there is a generally accepted threshold where lives are deemed as having been “lived, good and long.” When 90 year olds die, we grieve but we do not grapple with a sense of injustice.

But there are some (too many) deaths that are non-sensical, tragic, and far too soon. I think of the anniversary of 9/11 and the tradition of reading of the names of those that died – it gives me chills every time and is a witness to the different grief we experience in tragic deaths and young deaths.

This is grief compounded. Every highpoint, significant moment, celebration that we have for Eden will be flagging in my mind the other 2 people we might also be celebrating. In other words, these initial losses are suffered and grieved, but as we’ve said before, the grief does not end. Because there are futures left empty we will constantly be wondering at how they might have been filled and wishing we could see the reactions and smiles.

I’m not hypothesizing that the grief grows more severe over time, but rather that our grief is perpetuated and can resurface painfully around anniversaries and other special occasions. Certain experiences come to pass that we find ourselves wishing they were here to see – we realize how much we are missing out on, how much richer the moment might have been – how we miss them still.

The anniversary of 9/11 is still something that I anticipate each year and I prepare. I plan to listen to the news that morning, like I was 16 years ago. I visited the site in 2015 and I will look through photos of the memorial and grieve and remember with others online. These are relatively small things now in comparison with what I used to do, but it’s what I want and need to do.

Make a plan, there are going to be unexpected sorrows along the way you can’t prepare for – that’s grief. But when you can, brace as best you can and just know it will be really hard, but you’ll make it.

My Favorite Advice About Time

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 04:00:00 GMT

I recently finished a podcast called S-Town that featured the true & tragic story John B. McLemore, an astoundingly brilliant horologist – that is, someone who has studied time. The narrator and John begin to discuss sundials together and I learned that most sundials feature a latin inscription about time. Some of them stole my breath,

Hora fugit, ne tardes . The hour flees, don’t be late.
Festina lente . Make haste, but slowly.
Lente hora, celeriter anni . An hour passes slowly, but the years go by quickly.
Sic vita fluit, dum stare videtur . Life flows away as it seems to stay the same.
Ultima latet ut observentur omnes . Our last hour is hidden from us, so that we watch them all.

Last summer I had a beautiful baby girl and subsequently, nearly every day someone says to me, “Enjoy it, it goes so fast.” Time. Time goes oh, so dearly fast.

After my daughter was born, my mom gave me some advice, I think the best advice she has ever given to me. She said, “Molly, you will never feel like you’ll have enough time. You could spend every second with her and it would still never feel like enough. So give yourself grace and just enjoy your time together without guilt.”

Dona præsentis cape lætus horæ. Take the gifts of this hour.

Amazing advice, right? And while it applies so beautifully to life with little ones, it applies to life with old and middle aged ones too. I’ve rarely heard people say, “We had enough time together, I’m satisfied,” or, “I visited my parents too many times.” Typically, what I hear from grieving people are sentiments like these:

“We didn’t have enough time together.”

“I didn’t spend enough time with her. I should have made more of an effort.”

“What I wouldn’t give for another minute.”

Serius est quam cogitas. It’s later than you think.

Summer always makes me think about time, it’s such a nostalgic time of year. I look back on family vacations, landmarks we visited, and I think of being a kid playing kickball in my neighbor’s yard and knocking over her prized tomatoes. Wow, how was that so long ago? And then there’s just this last summer where I was preparing my home and heart to hold a little sweet baby and now this summer, she’s nearly walking, makes the sweetest sounds, and will be a year old in just a few short weeks.

Meam vide umbram, tuam videbis vitam. Look at my shadow and you will see your life.

If we accept that no amount of time satisfies then we can begin to take off the guilt about how often we visited grandpa before he died, or come to peace with that last hug we wish we could have given mom, the last kiss for our spouse. Because we start to realize that if we could get it, it would still not be enough.

Utere, non numera. Use the hours, don’t count them.

This is where peace dwells. The people who talk about being at peace after a death have come to terms with this truth about time. They know that they did what they could, they were there as often as possible and they loved as well as they knew how. See how perfectly this advice fits parenting and bereavement? I had no idea they would have such foundational similarities but I am so grateful that I get to approach my time with my daughter with this wisdom, this grace, this peace; time does not promise satisfaction, but it does offer the opportunity to be our best and if we seize that, we can find peace.

Fugit hora – carpe diem . The hour flees – seize the day.

So, instead of feeling panic when you ponder the brevity of time and it’s unexpected way of running out, make an effort to spend time with people and enjoy them in a way where you feel peace and comfort knowing you’ve shown them love. We place such impossible demands on ourselves and our time and waste so much of both trying to get “enough”. Rest, relax. Let the time you have be enough.

Dum tempus habemus operemur bonum. While we have time, let us do good.

Heart & Soul Award: Congratulations Donna Beattie, RN

Tue, 16 May 2017 04:00:00 GMT

Donna Beattie is an LVN (Licensed Vocational Nurse) with VNA Hospice. She has “officially” been a hospice nurse for 4 years, but realizes that this has been her calling all of her life. Out of high school Donna joined the United States Air Force, then became a dental assistance working at a boys’ prison, from there she was the compliance specialist for Capistrano Valley Christian School: when she lost her job at the school due to budget cuts, Donna chose to go back to school and become a nurse. She chose to become an LVN because she knew her passion was to work directly with the patients. Her first job as a nurse was with Silverado Senior Living, where she quickly found that she was comfortable with her patients who were dying. Her supervisors and co-workers told Donna, she should consider a job in hospice, but it was a broken foot that led her to that field. Donna throws “her all” into everything she does. Her children even tease her, “Mom, do you read anything besides books on death and dying?” Her co-workers at VAN call her “Donna who does death visits” because she truly loves being with her patients and their families during their final moments and helping them transition from this world to the next. Donna loves education and teaching and is always amazed by what her hospice patients teach her. She states, “My patients teach me about compassion, patience, and the circle of life.” Friends call Donna an eternal optimist. She loves to read, play scrabble, tell a good joke or two, and travel, but one of her biggest passions is her street rod, a 1933 Ford, that she restored herself. Donna lives in Dana Point with her husband and son; she also has two daughters, a grandchild and one grandchild on the way. Donna says “I know people say that you can’t identify yourself solely by what you do for a living but…I am a hospice nurse.”

Heart & Soul Award: Congratulations Linda McMahon, RN

Tue, 16 May 2017 04:00:00 GMT

Linda McMahon, MS, MA is the Bereavement Services Manager at VITAS Innovative Hospice Care in Orange County. She has an extensive health care and pastoral care background. Her undergraduate degree, a BSN, is from the University ofPennsylvania. And, her graduate degrees are a Master ofScience in Nursing and a Master ofArts in Theology from Texas Woman’s University and Saint Mary-of-the-Woods College in Texas and Indiana, respectively. She has completed an Association for Clinical Pastoral Education (ACPE) Chaplain Residency program (in acute healthcare settings) in San Diego and also Continuing Education courses through the National Center for Death Education (NCDE) and the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO).

Linda’s charity of choice is VITAS Community Connection, which assists hospice patients and families as well as supports other charitable causes in Orange County such as Veterans First, Alzheimer’s Association and UCI Research.

She is a retired Naval Officer, serving 25 years in areas throughout the continental US and overseas as a Navy Nurse. Linda has been married to Randall (Randy) McMahon for 33 years. Randy, a retired Marine Corps officer, was ordained to the Permanent Diaconate for the Roman Catholic Diocese of Orange in 2007. Linda and Randy serve in many pastoral care ministries together through their home parish, Holy Trinity (in Ladera Ranch) and through the Diocese. They share their home in San Clemente with their three cats.

Heart & Soul Award: Congratulations Nancy Colocino, PhD.

Tue, 16 May 2017 04:00:00 GMT

Nancy has a heart for children, values diversity and equality, and is motivated to help make the world a better place. She has been involved in the Irvine community for over 30 years. She is the executive director of Irvine Prevention Coalition a.k.a. Irvine Community Drug Prevention. This nonprofit coordinates with community partners to enhance prevention services, decrease substance abuse, and increase youth resiliency. Current programs include Red Ribbon Week, Pennies for Prevention, Red Ribbon at Ruby’s Diner, Coordinating meetings and general meetings of Irvine Prevention Coalition, and Outstanding Supporters of Prevention Awards. Nancy has over 40 years’ experience in education administration, counseling, and child welfare. In 2011, she retired from Irvine Unified School District as Coordinator of Guidance Resources, where she wrote and implemented many state, federal and local grants that provided additional prevention and intervention services for students with at-risk behaviors. She is also a founding member and current vice president of the Africa Project. Nancy holds a Ph.D. in Psychology from United States International/Alliant University. She lives in Deerfield with her husband and has two grown daughters, Lara and Megan.

Heart & Soul Award: Congratulations Jenna Harline

Tue, 16 May 2017 04:00:00 GMT

For the past three years Jenna has served as the Assistant Director of Interfaith Relations for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Laguna Niguel. She additionally serves as Secretary for the South Orange County Interfaith Council, and is an integral part of the annual Prayer Breakfast planning committee. Jenna’s charity of choice is the Somaly Mam Foundation, a non-profit organization committed to ending human trafficking. Jenna is passionate about local and global change. She helps to locally organize and implement the annual Helping Hands food and clothing drive held the 4th Saturday of April each year. Jenna is also actively involved in Hands of Grace, a local interfaith charity that feeds the homeless and those in need every Wednesday night at Faith Episcopal Church in Laguna Niguel. As a co-leader for her daughter Ella’s Girl Scout troop, Jenna is also teaching her daughter how to give back to her community. For Jenna, the highlight ofthis past year with the Girl Scouts was when, “We decided to help a family in need that came to us through the Hands ofGrace ministry. Our troop brought a Christmas tree, decorations, and a few gifts to the family. We sang Christmas carols as we helped them decorate the beautiful 7- foot tree. To see this family’s two small children so happy was the highlight of my year!” Jenna resides in Aliso Viejo with her husband, Scott, and daughter, Ella, age seven. She grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah and at age 15 moved with her family to San Clemente. She is a graduate of San Clemente High School and holds a bachelor’s degree in English Literature from UCI. In her leisure time, Jenna enjoys traveling with her family, most recently visiting Las Vegas, Canada, Italy, Spain and France. She also loves reading, movies, going to the beach and yoga.

Heart & Soul Award: Congratulations Noreen Carrington, LMFT, FT

Tue, 16 May 2017 04:00:00 GMT

Noreen Carrington, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a fellow in thanatology, who has worked in the fields of death and dying and grief and loss for the past 19 years. Noreen’s extensive experience in the field includes creating and directing a comprehensive educational and clinical rotation for marriage and family therapist graduates and post-graduates in the specialty of grief and loss. Currently she is the Regional Director for the Volunteer and Bereavement Programs for Health Essentials LLC and is a faculty member at the CSU Institute for Palliative Care at California State University San Marcos which trains health care professionals and the general community. Noreen’s love of working with bereaved children led her to direct Camp Erin San Diego for five years and for the past two years she has directed Camp Erin Orange County. Noreen says that she “Is in awe of these young campers who have dealt with considerable loss. Their bravery, their compassion for their fellow campers and their ability to find meaning in the loss is astounding” she also says “Each camp brings new meaning and value to my life as I learn from these young spirits our capacity to heal and grow – even in difficult situations.”

If Your Mom has Died, If Your Child has Died … The Shadow Side of Mother’s Day

Wed, 10 May 2017 04:00:00 GMT

This post isn’t to take away from the joy of those celebrating or being celebrated this Mother’s Day – go for it, enjoy and make the most of your time with the people you love.

But for those of you who are in the shadow-side of Mother’s Day because your mother has died, or, because your child has died, let’s talk, this post is for you.

Well, you will get through, you will. You may feel alone in it, so let me encourage you to invite her in to the day. Find ways of reminding yourself of her, embracing the person she was, and allowing yourself the time and space to be happy and sad, memory-filled and nostalgic.

Share a picture of you and your mom on Facebook with a favorite story or a key lesson she taught you.
Cook or bake some of her favorite foods and enjoy them while watching a movie she loved.
Take a walk and think about all that she passed on to you , and the ways you are like her, good and bad : )
Visit your mom’s grave and leave something for her, some flowers, her favorite Starbucks coffee, something that makes you both smile.
If you are having a meal with lots of family, take time to pause and give a toast to your mother . Setting aside even as little a time as 30 seconds to honor someone adds a gravity, beauty, and meaning to a meal and shares it to everyone gathered with you.

If your child has died …

So, how in the world do you face Mother’s Day when you are missing the little babe that made you “mom”?

This is a much different type of grief than losing our own mothers, mostly and quite simply because it does not happen to everyone. Losing a child is something no one should have to endure. These griefs are complicated by the spectrum of circumstances that grieving parents find themselves in; a pregnancy that miscarries within the first few weeks, a stillborn baby delivered at full term, a 2 year old who dies in an accident, a SIDS death that will leave you wondering “if I had just (fill in the blank) …” for the rest of your life.

To you moms, I offer this: Think long and hard about what you need on Sunday. What is going to be the best path for you in getting through the day. The ideas below may bring more pain than comfort to some of you, take what you like and leave the rest. None of these ideas will be easy and they will not make your pain go away, but they may help you look at your pain and talk to it a little easier.

Write out your child’s name. Write it as many times as you want and maybe put down a few words to them about anything, how you’re feeling today, what you remember most about them, what you imagine they would be doing today if they were here, etc…
Reach out to other moms who have lost a child. You don’t have to do more than send a text message saying, “I’m thinking of you and (insert their child’s name) today and wanted you to know you are on my heart.”
Walk the beach or go to a park, seek out some solitude (note: you will likely see children playing, be prepared or if that’s too much for you, try to venture places that will give you more privacy). The real key to this one is to give yourself a calming space to think, to feel, and to be present in the reality of your life and loss.
Look forward. I feel conflicted writing this one but I think it has some importance. Because the loss of a child is in so many ways the loss of the future we can often become absorbed or obsessed with only looking back into the time they were a part of our lives. Spend time looking back, it’s not bad or wrong, it’s part of grief. But I would encourage you to dare to look forward, even if it’s just for 5 minutes, at what this year, the next 5, the next 10 years may hold for you. There is a lot of life ahead; look for ways to carry your little one with you into the future – it’s not the way you planned it, but it’s something you can do, if you choose.

Sons & daughters, moms & dads, these pains are tremendous and deserve so much more than a little blog could ever offer. I wish all of you a day brimming with memories, peace, and the comfort of being loved. May your Mother’s Day be meaningful and rich in the memories of those you are missing <3

Stop Saying, “This happened for a reason.” A De-Bunking of Christian Narratives on Death

Thu, 27 Apr 2017 04:00:00 GMT

Ok, so I am going to get slightly religious in this post – it’s a necessity in this case and it’s no big deal. I try to remain neutral in my writing but I feel this topic calls for a bit of background and religious context. Here goes …

If we have a reason, we have control. I recently read in Dr. Hoy’s latest edition of GriefPerspectives , about our need to “make sense out of the nonsensical.” We share an innate compulsion for purpose, reason, an ever ready answer to the question “why?”.

When we answer these questions with “Well, this happened for a reason,” there are 2 prominent interpretations,

Someone is to blame for the death, possibly you did something wrong or the deceased. I’ve heard people discuss sin as a cause of death, as if God uses death as a form of punishment for wrongs against Him.
That God would inflict this immense pain upon us with for our own good. It’s like saying, “You don’t know it now, but you’re better off as a young widow, a childless parent, a new orphan. You’ll be glad that this happened.”

Here’s the truth, neither of these are true. There aren’t answers most of the time, at least not the kind that are satisfying. We want to know why death is allowed to take the most wonderful people right in the middle of an amazing and valuable life. Why the high school senior 2 weeks away from graduating is killed by a drunk driver. Why the woman desperate to be a mom cannot carry a pregnancy. Why?

Well, there’s a reason. (Roll your eyes with me, or, more accurately, cringe.)

I want to postulate the unpleasant and unpopular idea that there is random and terrible evil in the world. That accidents happen, that there are sometimes only victims, that diseases are arbitrary selectors of bodies, and that we have very little control.

After my first year of working at the mortuary I questioned a tremendous amount of what I believed about God – I thought there were reasons for things, that He wasn’t going to let bad things happen to His good followers, I didn’t know that children died then or that women the same age as my mom could drop dead. I watched the drama of life play out in front of me from my front desk. I learned that death was not picky, that God wasn’t killing people he didn’t like, nor was He inflicting punishment; death is random but certain, it comes to all of us and that’s the answer.

I believe when we experience a death there is devastation – we aren’t always able to “praise God” or feel “at peace” as we walk through grief. I think the idea that you should even feel those things when your whole life has changed is a little crazy. God may bring peace and comfort, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling sorrow, misery, and the entirety of your loss. That is what grief is and it’s normal and what you need to feel.

But in the years after a death, I have hope that most people can look back on their lives since then and say, “Wow, I made it through that. I’m so much stronger than I ever thought, than I ever wanted to be. But I’ve made it this far and I’ve changed, too. I’m doing ok, and I’m more compassionate towards others who have been through losses. I’ve learned from this and become a better version of myself.”

That’s the only way we can find meaning, the only way there is positivity to be found in death. So don’t hasten down the road searching for immediate controls or reasons, settle into what life throws at you and resolve, as best you can, to live a life enhanced and deepened by a death experience.

Stop Saying “Don’t Give Up.” Please.

Wed, 22 Mar 2017 04:00:00 GMT

We say a lot of things to grieving people that under normal circumstances would be fine, hopefully even encouraging, but to people facing a life or death situation, a trauma, shock or loss, these can be the most backward and unhelpful things they could possibly hear.

Our discomfort, our desire to bring ease, our inability to fathom what they are going through, and our inherent inability to keep our mouths shut are all common reasons that lead to us saying things we never would have if we’d thought about it. I’ve talked about this before and doubtless, will talk about it again, but there are some very basic and notable things that we should not say to grieving people. I was struck recently by what families on the anticipatory side of death & grief experience both socially and online from people attempting to support them.

I’m talking about families where a loved one may be dying slowly of a terminal illness, a spouse has a brain tumor with 2 months to live, the parents of a child involved in an accident with severe trauma who isn’t expected to live. I’ve read comments on Facebook from well-meaning friends saying things like,

“this happened for a reason,” – not helpful. Especially when accidents are the culprits. The snark in me wants to snap back at comments like that and say “Yeah, the reason was the drunk driver, the random cancer cell …” telling people that they should find comfort in this unknown “reason” is confusing and in denial of the terrible randomness that death wields. But more on this next month …
anything beginning with “ at least …” (see my prior post about these horrible phrases)
“they’re going to a better place,” – try saying this to a mom who feels the best place for her sweet baby is with her

These are pretty awful and yet incredibly common things to hear people say or read typed in comments online. I think perhaps one of the most damaging, divisive and cruel things we say is the simple phrase; “Don’t give up.” There are plenty of arenas where this phrase can encourage and lift up, but situations involving sickness, trauma, terminal illness, or death should be spared from the framework of these words.

Put yourself in the shoes of a parent whose child has suffered a traumatic brain injury, there has been hope and talk of recovery, physical therapy, etc … but the tests come back all showing the same thing: there is no brain function, your child is brain dead and scientifically, hope of recovery and life is no longer an option.

Now, the phrase “Don’t give up” takes on new pain. When the choices are gone and only hospice remains what does saying “Don’t give up” convey? That they are giving up on their child? That more should be done? That they are doing it wrong? That their resignation to death means failure?

Of course, no one is saying that, but the implications are all there. We are terrified of admitting the power of death, that it is something that can happen at any time and will happen to everyone, even young children. When our doctors, modern medicine, and every test possible tells us that there is no more hope of life, to accept that truth is not to fail or give up, it is to be in the truth, to stand in the crashing waves, to live in a brilliant pain that must be faced, sooner or later.

In some ways, the ultimate point I think we all need to take away from this is that HOSPICE AND DEATH ARE NOT RESULTS OF GIVING UP. In fact, the phrase “giving up” should have nothing at all to do with the concept of death, especially since not a one of us can just keep on living if we “don’t give up.”

Consider what you say/write/communicate to friends/family/strangers facing these forms of pain. Your words can leave bruises, open gaping wounds, and inflict pain rather than soothe, console or comfort.

Help others to stand in the waves instead of pretending they’re on solid ground.

What was the most helpful, comforting thing said to you when you were in grief? Please, share with us below:

Helping Infants and Toddlers When Someone They Love Dies

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

When Someone a Baby Loves Dies

When someone a baby loves dies, knowing what to say or do can be difficult. How do you tell a toddler that his favorite grandpa is dead? What do you do when a baby whose mother has died cries all the time and refuses to eat?

Indeed, young children constitute a very special group of mourners. This article discusses some of their unique needs and will help you care for bereaved infants and toddlers up to age three.

Yes, Even Babies Grieve

Many adults think that because very young children are not completely aware of what is going on around them, they are not impacted by death. We must dispel this myth. I say it simply: Any child old enough to love is old enough to mourn.

True, infants and toddlers are not developmentally mature enough to fully understand the concept of death. In fact, many children do not truly understand the inevitability and permanence of death until adolescence.

But understanding death and being affected by it are two very different things. When a primary caregiver dies, even tiny babies notice and react to the loss. They might not know exactly what happened and why, but they do know that someone important is now missing from their small worlds.

Yes, even babies grieve. And when someone they love dies, children of all ages need our time and attention if they are to heal and grow to be emotionally healthy adults.

The Special Needs of Bereaved Infants

As anyone who has been around infants knows, babies quickly bond with their mothers or other primary caregivers. In fact, studies have shown that babies just hours old recognize and respond to their mothers’ voices. Many psychologists even believe that babies think they and their mothers are one and the same person for a number of months.

This powerful and exclusive attachment to mommy and daddy continues through most of the first year of life. When a parent dies, then, there is no question the baby notices that something is missing. She will likely protest her loss by crying more than usual, sleeping more or less than she did before or changing her eating patterns.

Offer Comfort. When they are upset, most infants are soothed by physical contact. Pick up the bereaved infant when he cries. Wear him in a front pack; he will be calmed by your heartbeat and motion. Give him a gentle baby massage. Talk to him and smile at him as much as possible.And do not worry about spoiling him. The more you hold him, rock him and sing to him, the more readily he will realize that though things have changed, someone will always be there to take care of him.
Take Care of Basic Needs. Besides lots of love, an infant needs to be fed, sheltered, diapered and bathed. Try to maintain the bereaved baby’s former schedule. But don’t be surprised if she sleeps or eats more or less than usual. Such changes are her way of showing her grief. If she starts waking up several times a night, soothe her back to sleep. If she doesn’t want to eat as much for now, that’s OK, too.The most important thing you can do is to meet her needs-whatever they seem to be-quickly and lovingly in the weeks and months to come.

The Special Needs of Bereaved Toddlers

Like infants, bereaved toddlers mostly need our love and attention. They also need us to help them understand that though it is painful, grief is the price we pay for the priceless chance to love others. They need us to teach them that death is a normal and natural part of life.

Offer Comfort and Care The bereaved toddler needs one-on-one care 24 hours a day. Make sure someone she loves and trusts is always there to feed her, clothe her, diaper her and play with her. Unless she is already comfortable with a certain provider, now is not the time to put her in daycare.Expect regressive behaviors from bereaved toddlers. Those who slept well before may now wake up during the night. Independent children may now be afraid to leave their parents’ side. Formerly potty-trained kids may need diapers again. All of these behaviors are normal grief responses. They are the toddler’s way of saying, “I’m upset by this death and I need to be taken care of right now.” By tending to her baby-like needs, you will be letting her know that she will be taken care of and that she is loved without condition.
Model Your Own Grief Toddlers learn by imitation. If you grieve in healthy ways, toddlers will learn to do the same. Don’t hide your feelings when you’re around children. Instead, share them. Cry if you want to. Be angry if you want to. Let the toddler know that these painful feelings are not directed at him and are not his fault, however.Sometimes you may feel so overwhelmed by your own grief that you can’t make yourself emotionally available to the bereaved toddler. You needn’t feel guilty about this; it’s OK to need some “alone time” to mourn. In fact, the more fully you allow yourself to do your own work of mourning, the sooner you’ll be available to help the child. In the meantime, make sure other caring adults are around to nurture the bereaved toddler.
Use Simple, Concrete Language When someone a toddler loves dies, he will know that person is missing. He may ask for Mommy or Uncle Ted one hundred times a day. I recommend using the word “dead” in response to his queries. Say, “Mommy is dead, honey. She can never come back.” Though he won’t yet know what “dead” means, he will begin to differentiate it from “bye-bye” or “gone” or “sleeping”-terms that only confuse the issue. Tell him that dead means the body stops working. The person can’t walk or talk anymore, can’t breathe and can’t eat. And while using simple, concrete language is important, remember that more than two-thirds of your support will be conveyed nonverbally.
Keep Change to a Minimum All toddlers need structure, but bereaved toddlers, especially, need their daily routines. Keeping mealtimes, bedtime and bathtime the same lets them know that their life continues and that they will always be cared for. And try not to implement other changes right away. Now is not the time to go from a crib to a bed, to potty train or to wean from a bottle.

Allow Them To Participate

Since the funeral is a significant event, children-no matter how young-should have the same opportunity to attend as any other member of the family. Encourage, but never force. Explain the purpose of the funeral to toddlers: a time to be happy about our love for Grandma, a time to be sad that she is gone, a time to say goodbye.

When they choose to, young children can participate in the funeral by lighting a candle or placing a momento or photo in the casket.

For toddlers, viewing the body of the person who died can also be a positive experience. It provides an opportunity for you to show them what death looks like. Explain that the person is not sleeping, but has stopped breathing and functioning altogether. As with attending the funeral, however, seeing the body should not be forced.

While taking an infant or toddler to the funeral may seem unimportant now, think what that inclusion will mean to her later. As a teenager and adult, she will feel good knowing that instead of being home with a babysitter, she was included in this meaningful ritual.

Help Infants and Toddlers “Remember”

Very few of us remember things that happened before we were four or five years old. So though he may have one or two vague and fleeting memories from this time period, it is unlikely the bereaved infant or toddler will clearly remember the person who died.

But when they get older, bereaved children will naturally be curious about this important person they never had a chance to know. Was Grandma nice? What did Daddy look like?

You can help answer these questions by putting together a “memory box” for the bereaved child. Collect momentos and photos that might later be special to the child. Write down memories, especially those that capture the relationship between the person who died and the infant or toddler. If you have videotape footage of the deceased, place a copy in the memory box for safekeeping.

During my many years as a bereavement counselor, I have learned that remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. You have the opportunity to help link the bereaved young child’s past and future.

Be Aware of Attachment Disorders

A few bereaved infants and toddlers, typically those who do not receive sufficient love and attention after the death of a significant person in their lives, go on to develop what is called an “attachment disorder.” Children who experience multiple losses are also at risk.

Basically, young children with attachment disorders learn not to trust or love. When a child’s primary caregiver dies, for example, the child may unconsciously decide that this kind of separation is too painful. So to prevent it from happening again, he “detaches” himself emotionally from those around him.

How do you know if a child is “detached?” Usually it is obvious that something is wrong. Among the symptoms are a lack of ability to give and receive affection, cruelty to others or to pets, speech disorders, extreme control problems and abnormalities in eye contact. Accurate diagnoses can only be made by mental health professionals with training in this area. And while we don’t yet know all there is to know about attachment disorders, we do know that if a child has become detached it is important to seek help as early as possible. The older the child becomes, the more difficult it is to help him attach to others in healthy ways.

Final Thoughts

Remember, any child old enough to love is old enough to mourn. And infants and toddlers are certainly capable of loving. As caring adults, we have a responsibility to help them during this difficult time. With our love and attention, they will learn to understand their loss and grow to be emotionally healthy children, adolescents and adults.

About the Author

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and presents dozens of grief-related workshops each year across North America. Among his books are Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas and The Healing Your Grieving Heart Journal for Teens . For more information, write or call The Center for Loss and Life Transition, 3735 Broken Bow Road, Fort Collins, Colorado 80526, (970) 226-6050 or visit their website, www.centerforloss.com .

Helping Yourself Heal When a Baby Dies

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Your baby has died. You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death. It is an essential part of healing.

You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful, overwhelming and sometimes lonely. This article provides practical suggestions to help you move toward healing.

Allow Yourself to Mourn

Whatever the circumstances of your baby’s death, you will need to share your grief outside of yourself. Whether you were pregnant for a brief time or many months, delivered a stillborn baby or your baby lived for a longer time, you have every right to grieve.

The death of your baby may have come suddenly, without any warning. You have been given little, if any, preparation for this experience. You will grieve in your own special way. Try not to adopt assumptions about how long yor grief should last. Consider taking a “moment-to-moment” or “one-day-at-a-time” approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions

The death of your baby affects your head, heart and spirit. So you may experience a variety of emotions as part of your grief work. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief or anger are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

As strange as some of these feelings may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from them. And don’t be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These “griefbursts” can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of your baby. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

Allow for Numbness

Feeling dazed or numb when your baby dies is often part of your early grief experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose; it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has been told. You may feel as if the world has suddenly come to a halt. Your plans and dreams for the future have been assaulted.

You may feel you are in a dream-like state. As one mother said, “It’s like running headfirst into a solid wall. I was stunned and didn’t want to believe the words I was hearing. I wanted someone to wake me up and tell me this wasn’t happening.” Feelings of numbness and disbelief help create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don’t want to believe.

Slow Down Important Decisions

Some people may try to hurry you into decisions to protect you from beginning to feel sadness and loss. They often mean well, but they are also potentially complicating your healing. You should not make any major decisions until the initial pangs of shock and numbness begin to lessen.

If possible, attempt to make decisions with your spouse or a compassionate friend. Realize that you will probably have differences of opinion. That’s all right; your grief is unique. If you do disagree, respect each other’s right to do what feels right individually. For example, one of you may want to see and hold the baby, while the other does not feel the need to.

If you need time alone to begin to make some decisions, let people around you know this. While some people may be offended at your need for privacy, this is your baby and you should do what is best for you.

Seeing and Holding Your Baby

Only you can decide what your needs are related to seeing and holding your baby after the death. But, one thing is certain-you should be given the option. Many parents value this opportunity to say goodbye (and sometimes hello if the death was a stillbirth or premature delivery.) There is nothing wrong with wanting to see, hold and touch your baby.

Don’t make quick decisions about this. Take your time and think it over. If you have fears about what your baby might look like, ask the doctor or nurse to describe your baby’s appearance. Should you decide to see and hold your baby, spend as much time as you need with him or her. Even a short time will go a long way toward helping you heal.

Give Your Baby a Name

Even if your baby never lived outside the womb, he or she deserves a name. If you had already decided on a name, keep it. This name truly belongs to this unique child. Having a name for your baby allows you to talk about your loss in a personal way. You are openly acknowledging that you have loved a child and will always remember him or her. Later on, you will find it easier to embrace your memories if you can refer to your baby by name.

Gather Important Keepsakes

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after a baby dies. You may want to collect some important keepsakes that help you treasure your memories. While some hospitals automatically offer to provide you with ways of remembering your baby, not all do. So, be certain to request any items that you want to be able to keep.

Examples of keepsakes you might want include the following: a picture of your baby (even if you don’t want it now, you might later), a birth certificate, a set of footprints, the plastic arm bracelet from the hospital, the blanket your baby was first swaddled in, or a lock of hair.

You may want to create a memory box to store these special keepsakes in. Then, when you are missing your baby, you can open up the memory box and embrace these special memories. The reality that your baby has died does not diminish your need to have these objects. They are a tangible, lasting part of the special relationship you had with your child.

Make Use of Ritual

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of your baby. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. The funeral is a way of giving testimony to the life and death of your child. Most importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself.

You might have some people tell you, “It will be easier (or better) not to have a funeral.” Actually, choosing not to have a funeral is a decision many parents later regret. You and your baby have a right to have a funeral. The funeral is one thing you can do for your child at a time when you feel so helpless.

Funerals do not have to take place right away. Take your time and decide what will best meet your needs. Whatever you do, don’t have a funeral that excludes the mother. Wait until she is out of the hospital and can be included in the service that remembers your baby.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn’t mean feeling sorry for yourself, it means you are using survival skills.

Talk About Your Grief

Express your grief openly. Sharing your grief outside yourself allows for healing. Ignoring your grief won’t make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn’t mean you are losing control or going “crazy.” It is a normal part of your grief journey.

Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging. Seek out those people who will “walk with”, not “in front of” or “behind” you in your journey through grief. Avoid people who are critical or who try to steal your grief from you. They may tell you, “You can have another baby” or “You never even got to know this baby!” While these comments may be well-intentioned, you do not have to accept them. You have every right to express your grief.

Develop a Support System

Reaching out to others and accepting support is difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate thing you can do at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings–whatever they may be.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of your baby, embrace this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

You may hear someone say, “With faith, you don’t need to grieve.” Don’t believe it. Having faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems to build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

Allow a Search for Meaning

You may find yourself asking, “Why did this baby have to die?”, “Why this way?” “Why me?” This search for meaning is another normal part of the healing process. Some questions have answers. Some do not. Actually, healing takes place in the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily in answering them. Find a supportive friend who will listen responsive as you search for meaning.

Move Toward Your Grief and Heal

To love is to one day mourn. You can’t heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of your baby changes your life forever. It’s not that you won’t be happy again, it’s simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the baby died.

The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life.

About the Author

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Spouse Dies

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Few events in life are as painful as the death of your spouse. You may be uncertain you will survive this overwhelming loss. At times, you may be uncertain you even have the energy or desire to try to heal.

You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, overwhelming and sometimes lonely. This article provides practical suggestions to help you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.

Allow Yourself to Mourn

Your husband or wife has died. This was your companion, the person you shared your life with. If right now you are not sure of who you are, and you feel confused, that is appropriate because you have lost a part of yourself. When you experience the death of someone you love, live with, and depend on, feeling disoriented is natural.

You are now faced with the difficult but important need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death of your spouse. It is an essential part of healing.

Recognize Your Grief is Unique

Your grief is unique because no one else had the same relationship you had with your spouse. Your experience will also be influenced by the circumstances surrounding the death, other losses you have experienced, your emotional support system and your cultural and religious background.

As a result, you will grieve in your own special way. Don’t try to compare your experience with that of others or to adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a “one-day-at-a-time” approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Talk Out Your Thought and Feelings

Express your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Allow yourself to talk about the circumstances of the death, your feelings of loss and loneliness, and the special things you miss about your spouse. Talk about the type of person your husband or wife was, activities that you enjoyed together, and memories that bring both laughter and tears.

Whatever you do, don’t ignore your grief. You have been wounded by this loss, and your wound needs to be attended to. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn’t mean you are losing control, or going “crazy.” It is a normal part of your grief journey.

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions

Experiencing the death of your spouse affects your head, heart and spirit, so you may experience a variety of emotions as part of your grief work. It is called work because it takes a great deal of energy and effort to heal. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt, relief and anger are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don’t be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

Find a Support System

Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can take at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Seek out those persons who will “walk with,” not “in front of” or “behind” you in your journey through grief. Find out if there is a support group in your area that you might want to attend. There is no substitute for learning from other persons who have experienced the death of their spouse.

Avoid people who are critical or who try to steal your grief from you. They may tell you “time heals all wounds” or “you will get over it” or “keep your chin up.” While these comments may be well-intended, you do not have to accept them. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings-both happy and sad. You have a right to express your grief; no one has the right to take it away.

Be tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.

Ask yourself: Am I treating myself better or worse than I would treat a good friend? Am I being too hard on myself? You may think you should be more capable, more in control, and “getting over” your grief. These are inappropriate expectations and may complicate your healing. Think of it this way: caring for yourself doesn’t mean feeling sorry for yourself; it means you are using your survival skills.

Take Your Time With Your Spouse’s Personal Belongings

You, and only you, should decide what is done when with your spouse’s clothes and personal belongings. Don’t force yourself to go through these things until you are ready to. Take your time. Right now you may not have the energy or desire to do anything with them.

Remember that some people may try to measure your healing by how quickly they can get you to do something with these belongings. Don’t let them make decisions for you. It isn’t hurting anything to leave your spouse’s belongings right where they are for now. Odds are, when you have the energy to go through them you will. Again, only you should determine when the time is right for you.

Be Compassionate With Yourself During Holidays, Anniversaries and Special Occasions

You will probably find that some days make you miss your spouse more than others. Days and events that held special meaning for you as a couple, such as your birthday, your spouse’s birthday, your wedding anniversary or holidays, may be more difficult to go through by yourself.

These events emphasize the absence of your husband or wife. The reawakening of painful emotions may leave you feeling drained. Learn from these feelings and never try to take away the hurt. If you belong to a support group, perhaps you can have a special friend stay in close contact with you during these naturally difficult days.

Treasure Your Memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after your spouse dies. Treasure those memories that comfort you, but also explore those that may trouble you. Even difficult memories find healing in expression. Share memories with those who listen well and support you. Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship you had with a very special person in your life.

You may also find comfort in finding a way to commemorate your spouse’s life. If your spouse liked nature, plant a tree you know he or she would have liked. If your spouse liked a certain piece of music, play it often while you embrace some of your favorite memories. Or, you may want to create a memory book of photos that portray your life together as a couple. Remember-healing in grief doesn’t mean forgetting your spouse and the life you shared together.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because your spouse died, accept this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

You may hear someone say, “With faith, you don’t need to grieve.” Don’t believe it. Having your personal faith does not mean you don’t have to talk out and explore your thought and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems to build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

Move Toward Your Grief and Heal

Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Be compassionate with yourself as you work to relinquish old roles and establish new ones. No, your life isn’t the same, but you deserve to go on living while always remembering the one you loved.

The Spiritual Path to Healing: Mourning Ideas, Part 2

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Nuture Your Spirit

Nurturing your spirit relates to caring for that part of yourself that is transcendent. Your spirit speaks to you with inner messages and invites you to surround yourself with positive regard.
You can care for your spirit in ways ranging from inspirational reading to listening to or playing music, being with those you feel support from, walking in the woods, strolling on the beach, or spending time in the company of wise people of any spiritual path.
Nurturing your spirit means giving attention to your underlying beliefs and values. It also means being non-judgmental as you observe and appreciate people who have a different faith or spiritual outlook than you do. You can expand your own spiritual journey by going beyond your comfort zone and trying one of the practices in this book that you would not normally participate in.

Carpe Diem
Look over the spiritual practices in this article series and select one to participate in that you might not naturally be drawn toward. Try it out and be open to how it expands your capacity to nurture your spirit.

Set Aside Time Each Day For Spiritual Practice

You get up every morning. You brush your teeth. You shower. You eat breakfast. Perhaps you read the newspaper or check your e-mail. You say hello to your family or coworkers or neighbors.
Every day you engage in rituals of self-care. You take care of your body. You take care of your brain. You probably take care of your social self, at least to some degree. But how do you make sure you are caring for your emotional self and your spiritual self each and every day?
Your spirit needs feeding just as much as your body does. Set aside time to feed it each day.
What will you do with your spiritual time? You decide! Perhaps you have a favorite spiritual practice, such as yoga or meditation. Maybe you could use your daily time to try different ideas in this book.

Carpe Diem
You know that you’re supposed to exercise your body for 30 minutes a day. Start exercising your spirit for 30 minutes a day, too. Begin today.

Seek Out A Spiritual Advisor

Many of us flounder in our spirituality, especially in the early weeks and months after the death of someone loved.
Grief brings about a normal and necessary search for meaning. Why are we here? Why do the people we love have to die? What is the purpose of life? These are the most spiritually profound questions we have language to form.
To assist you in your search for meaning and to provide you with spiritual mentoring, seek out the help of someone whom you find to be spiritually advanced or grounded.
This person might be a member of the clergy or someone with formal religious or spiritual training, but it also might be someone who simply seems to connect well with the spiritual realm.

Carpe Diem
Right now, make a list of three local people you look up to spiritually. Try to identify someone with whom you can meet in person periodically. Call him or her today and extend an invitation to meet for coffee.

Reach Out to Others For Help

Perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out for help from others.
Think of it this way: Grieving may be the hardest work you have ever done. And hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand. Life’s greatest challenges-getting through school, raising children, pursuing a careerâ€”are in many ways team efforts. So it should be with mourning.
Sharing your pain with others won’t make it disappear, but it will, over time, make it more bearable.
Reaching out for help also connects you to other people and strengthens the bonds of love that make life seem worth living again. But just like gardens, good friends must be cultivated. True friends are blessings during overwhelming times such as this. If you have some, give thanks!
When Bill Cosby’s son Ennis was murdered, Mr. Cosby reached out to other families who were that day also confronted with the murder of their children. He was not alone and you aren’t either.

Carpe Diem
Call a close friend who may have distanced himself from you since the death and tell him how much you need him right now. Suggest specific ways he can help.

Take Good Care Of Yourself

Good self-care is nurturing and necessary for mourners, yet it’s something many of us completely overlook.
Try very hard to eat well and get adequate rest. Lay your body down 2-3 times a day for 20-30 minutes, even if you don’t sleep. I knowâ€”you probably don’t care very much about eating well right now, and you may be sleeping poorly. But taking care of yourself is truly one way to fuel healing and to begin to embrace life again.
Listen to what your body tells you. “Get some rest,” it says. “But I don’t have time,” you reply. “I have things to do.” “OK, then, I’ll get sick so you HAVE to rest,” your body says. And it will get sick if that’s what it takes to get its needs met!
Drink at least 5-6 glasses of water each day. Dehydration can compound feelings of fatigue and disorientation.
Exercise not only provides you with more energy, it can give you focused thinking time. Take a 20-minute walk every day. Or, if that seems too much, a five-minute walk. But don’t over-exercise, because your body needs extra rest, as well.
Now more than ever, you need to allow time for you.

Carpe Diem
Are you taking a multi-vitamin? If not, now is probably a good time to start. In part, you can think of it as a spiritual self-care vitamin!

Helping AIDS Survivors Heal

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A friend or family member has experienced the death of someone loved from AIDS. You want to help, but are not sure how to go about it. This article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into positive actions.

AIDS and Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief is experienced when the death of someone loved is not acknowledged or socially supported. Unfortunately, still today many survivors of AIDS deaths are disenfranchised. They frequently are denied the opportunity to openly express their feelings or to be emotionally supported by friends and family.

Because of the social stigma surrounding the disease, survivors of AIDS feel the pain of the loss, yet may not know how, or where, or if, they should express it. But just like other bereaved people grieving the loss of someone loved, AIDS survivors need to talk, to cry, sometimes to scream, in order to heal.

Instead, AIDS survivors are shunned by a society already uncomfortable with death and grief. Worse yet, AIDS victims and the people who love and care for them are often blamed for exposing others to the dread disease. As a result of this fear and misunderstanding, survivors of AIDS deaths are often left with a feeling of abandonment at a time when they desperately need unconditional support and understanding.

Recognize the Significance of Relationships

Gay male AIDS survivors, in particular, are often ignored when recognizable kinship ties do not exist. Inappropriately, society prescribes that close, meaningful relationships are only possible among immediate family. Yet, many lovers of AIDS victims have enjoyed lengthy, enriching, monogamous relationships with the person who died. Family members, however, sometimes deny the significance of that relationship.

As a helper, acknowledge the impact of the death on the bereaved lover. Let the survivor “teach you” about the meaningfulness of the relationship. Be nonjudgmental as you reach out with open ears and a loving heart.

Respect the Need to Grieve

Often ignored in their grief are the parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, uncles, aunts, spouses and children of AIDS victims. Why? Because of the nature of the death, it is sometimes kept a secret. If the death cannot be talked about openly, the wounds of grief will go unhealed.

As a caring friend, you may be the only one willing to be with the survivors. Your physical presence and permissive listening create a foundation for the healing process. Allow the survivors to talk, but don’t push them. Let them know you are ready to listen if, and when, they want to share their thoughts and feelings.

Accept the Intensity of the Grief

As I mentioned before, the grief of AIDS survivors is naturally complicated by society’s attitudes regarding the disease. The sad reality is that this situation magnifies the grief at a time when survivors’ typical support systems are either not available or potentially damaging. Accept that survivors may be struggling with explosive emotions, guilt, fear and shame well beyond the limits experienced in other types of death. Be patient, compassionate and understanding.

Use the Name of the Person Who Died

Use the name of the person who died when talking to AIDS survivors. Hearing the name can be comforting and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important person who was so much a part of their lives.

Respect Faith and Spirituality

If you allow them, AIDS survivors will “teach you” about their feelings regarding faith and spirituality. If faith is a part of their lives, let them express it in ways that seem appropriate. Many survivors disenfranchised in their grief rely on their spirituality as a way to find love and acceptance denied them by family and friends.

Survivors may also need to explore how religion may have complicated their grief. They may have been taught that AIDS results from sin and they may have internalized this inappropriate assumption. Whatever the situation, your presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools.

Stay Sensitive to Bereavement Overload

Many AIDS survivors will be physically, emotionally and spiritually drained from caring for someone with such a debilitating disease. And they may have experienced the loss not only of the person who died, but also the loss of friends and family who have abandoned them.

The overwhelming impact of these multiple losses demands your special awareness and sensitivity. Preparing food, washing clothes or cleaning the house are among the practical ways you can express your love and support. Remember-this support is needed not just in the first few days following the death, but also in the weeks and months ahead.

Be Patient

To help AIDS survivors, you need to have an abundance of patience. You may even become the target of their explosive emotions. Realize that the grief process takes time and allow mourners to proceed at their own pace. Don’t force your timetable for healing or set expectations about how they should respond.

If survivors become silent or remote, don’t push with questions. Turning inward is a part of healing in grief. Often total silence is absolutely necessary.

Be Aware of Holidays and Anniversaries

Your friend may have a difficult time during special occasions like holidays and anniversaries. These events emphasize the absence of the person who has died. Respect this pain as a natural extension of the grief process. Learn from it. And, most important, never try to take the hurt away.

Sometimes special rituals and traditions of remembrance take place during these times. Memorial quilts, for example, have been created to remember those who have died of AIDS. Perhaps you can initiate such a project or plan a special ritual.

Be Aware of Support Groups

Support groups are one of the best ways to help AIDS survivors. In a group, survivors can connect with other people who share the commonality of the experience. They are allowed and encouraged to tell their stories as much, and as often, as they like. You may be able to help survivors locate such a group. This practical effort on your part will be appreciated.

Work Together as Helpers

Lovers, friends and family who experience the death of someone to AIDS must no longer be disenfranchised. As helpers, you need to join with other caring persons to provide support and acceptance for survivors, who need to grieve in healthy ways if they, and we as a society, are to heal.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping Bereaved Siblings Heal

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Next to the death of a parent, the death of a sibling can be the most traumatic event in a child’s life. Why? Because not only has a family member died, but a family member for whom the child probably had very strong and ambivalent feelings.

As those of us who have brothers and sisters know, sibling relationships are characterized by anger, jealousy and a fierce closeness and love-a highly complex melange of emotion. This complexity colors the surviving child’s grief experience.

A Caring Adult’s Role

How adults respond when someone loved dies has a major effect on the way children react to the death. Sometimes, adults don’t want to talk abut the death because they want to spare children from some of the pain and sadness.

And for the same well-intentioned but misguided reason, adults hide their own feelings of grief from children.

What bereaved siblings really need is for adults to be open and honest with them about the death. They need to see that grief is as natural a part of life as loving. Children need adults to confirm that it’s all right to be sad and to cry, and that the hurt they feel now won’t last forever.

When ignored, bereaved siblings may suffer more from feeling isolated than from the actual death itself. Worse yet, they may feel all alone in their grief.

What A Surviving Sibling Feels

Each person’s grief is unique and changes from day to day. So, it is impossible to predict what a specific child will feel after her brother or sister dies. If you want to help, the most important thing you can do is to listen and to accept any and all feelings the surviving sibling expresses.

However, I have had the privilege to counsel hundreds of bereaved siblings. Among many other special lessons, they have taught me they often feel:

Guilt. For a number of reasons, bereaved siblings often feel guilty. Their power of “magical thinking”-believing that thoughts cause actions-might make them think they literally caused the death. “John died because I sometimes wished he would go away forever” is a common response among children who haven’t been given the concrete details of the sibling’s death and who haven’t been assured that they were not at fault.
Relief. A child may also feel relief as well as pain when a sibling dies. Responses such as “Now no one will take my things” or “I’m glad I have a room to myself” are natural and do not mean the child didn’t love his or her sibling. It is important that you provide an atmosphere in which the child feels safe to express whatever he or she may be feeling.
Fear. When a child’s brother or sister dies, another young person has died. So, for a child, confronting this reality can mean confronting the possibility of one’s own death. Be prepared to honestly but reassuringly answer questions such as “Will I die, too?” The death of a sibling can also make a bereaved child fear that one or all of his other family members will die, too, leaving him alone.
Confusion. One eight-year-old girl I counseled after the death of her brother asked me, “Am I still a big sister?” This little girl was obviously struggling with the confusing task of redefining herself, both within the family unit and the world at large. The answer to her question, of course, is both yes and no, but ultimately it is a question the child must answer herself. Adults can help, however, by letting the child teach them what this confusion is like.

Siblings Can Be “Forgotten Mourners”

When a child dies, most of the grief support from family members and friends gets focused on the parents. Indeed, losing a child may be the most painful experience in life, and those of us who are parents readily empathize with and offer our support to the dead child’s parents. And the parents themselves are often so overwhelmed by their loss that they can barely help themselves get through the day.

So what about the surviving siblings? Though we can’t quantify grief, we can say that siblings are often as profoundly impacted by the death as their parents are. And in some ways they are even more deserving of our attention because they are children.

Let’s not allow bereaved siblings to be forgotten mourners. If you are a bereaved parent, share your grief with your surviving children and make time to understand theirs. If you just can’t make yourself emotionally available right now, gently explain this to the child and appoint another adult as grief helper for the time being.

Allow Siblings to Participate

Create an atmosphere that tells bereaved children that their thoughts, fears and wishes will be recognized. This recognition includes the right to help plan and participate in the funeral.

Although children may not completely understand the ceremony surrounding the death, being involved in the funeral helps establish a sense of comfort and the understanding that life goes on even though someone has died.

Since the funeral is a significant event, siblings-no matter how young-should have the same opportunity to attend as any other member of the family. Encourage, but never force. Explain the purpose of the funeral: a time to honor the person who died, a time to support each other, a time to affirm that life goes on.

When they choose to, siblings can participate in the funeral by sharing a favorite memory, reading a poem or lighting a candle. You might also suggest they place a momento or photo in the casket.

For siblings, viewing the body of the brother or sister who died can also be a positive experience. It provides an opportunity to say goodbye and helps them accept the reality of the death. As with attending the funeral, however, seeing the body should not be forced.

Talking To Children About Death

Adults sometimes have trouble facing death themselves. So open, honest discussions with children about death can be difficult. Yet adults who are able to confront, explore and learn from their own personal fears about death can help surviving siblings.

Encouraging questions about the death is another way to help bereaved siblings. Children may repeat the same questions over and over again. This is natural. Repetition and consistent, patient answers on your part help the sibling understand and slowly accept the death.

One final word about children’s questions: Don’t feel you need to have all the answers. Your answers aren’t as important as the fact that you’re responding in a way that shows you care.

Let Children Be Children

Children need to be children-especially when they are hurting. Never tell a surviving sibling, “You need to take care of your mom and dad (or younger siblings) now.” When you force a bereaved child to grow up too soon, you don’t allow him the time and space he needs to mourn in his own developmentally appropriate way.

Help Siblings Embrace Their Memories

When a sibling dies, the surviving children must go through the long, arduous process of realizing and acknowledging that their brother or sister is gone forever. The permanence of death is difficult for everyone, even adults, to accept.

Thank goodness for memories. Remembering the child who died is an appropriate way for the sibling to continue that precious relationship. Encourage her to talk about her memories, both good and bad. Show her ways to capture her memories, such as by creating a scrapbook or writing a poem. On special occasions like birthdays and holidays, help her remember what it was like to celebrate with her brother or sister. Remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible.

Guidelines for Helping Grieving Children

Be a good observer. A bereaved child’s behavior can be very telling about her emotions.
Be patient. Children’s grief isn’t typically obvious and immediate.
Be honest. Don’t lie to children about death. They need to know that it’s permanent and irreversible. Don’t use euphemisms that cloud these facts. Use simple and direct language.
Be available. Bereaved children need to know that they can count on the adults in their lives to listen to them, support them and love them.
Listen. Let each child teach you what grief is like for him. And don’t rush in with explanations. Usually it’s more helpful to ask exploring questions than to supply cookie-cutter answers.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping Yourself Heal When a Parent Dies

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Your mother or father has died. Whether you had a good, bad or indifferent relationship with the parent who died, your feelings for him or her were probably quite strong. At bottom, most of us love our parents deeply. And they love us with the most unconditional love that imperfect human beings can summons.

You are now faced with the difficult, but necessary, need to mourn the loss of this significant person in your life. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings about the death. It is an essential part of healing.

Realize Your Grief is Unique

Your grief is unique. No one grieves in exactly the same way. Your particular experience will be influenced by the type of relationship you had with your parent, the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system and your cultural and religious background.

As a result, you will grieve in your own way and in your own time. Don’t try to compare your experience with that of other people, or adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a “one-day-at-a-time” approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions

The parent-child bond is perhaps the most fundamental of all human ties. When your mother or father dies, that bond is torn. In response to this loss you may feel a multitude of strong emotions.

Numbness, confusion, fear, guilt, relief and anger are just a few of the feelings you may have. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

While everyone has unique feelings about the death of a parent, some of the more common emotions include:

Sadness
You probably expected to feel sad when your parent died, but you may be surprised at the overwhelming depth of your feelings of loss. It’s natural to feel deeply sad. After all, someone who loved you without condition and cared for you as no one else could have is now gone. If this was your second parent to die, you may feel especially sorrowful; becoming an “adult orphan” can be a very painful transition. You may also feel sad because the loss of a parent triggers secondary losses, such as the loss of a grandparent to your children. Allow yourself to feel sad and embrace your pain.
Relief
If your parent was sick for a time before the death, you may well feel relief when he or she finally dies. This feeling may be particularly strong if you were responsible for your ill parent’s care. This does not mean you did not love your parent. In fact, your relief at the end to suffering is a natural outgrowth of your love.
Anger
If you came from a dysfunctional or abusive family, you may feel unresolved anger toward your dead parent. His or her death may bring painful feelings to the surface. On the other hand, you may feel angry because a loving relationship in your life has prematurely ended. If you are angry, try to examine the source of that often legitimate anger and work to come to terms with it.
Guilt
If your relationship with your parent was rocky, distant or ambivalent, you may feel guilty when that parent dies. You may wish you had said things you wanted to say but never did-or you may wish you could unsay hurtful things. You may wish you had spent more time with your parent. Guilt and regret can be normal responses to the death of your mother or father. And working through those feelings is essential to healing.

As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Let yourself feel whatever you may be feeling; don’t judge yourself or try to repress painful thoughts and feelings. And whenever you can, find someone who will hear you out as you explore your grief.

Recognize the Death’s Impact on Your Entire Family

If you have brothers or sisters, the death of this parent will probably affect them differently than it is affecting you. After all, each of them had a unique relationship with the parent who died, so each has the right to mourn the loss in his or her own way.

The death may also stir up sibling conflicts. You and your brothers and sisters may disagree about the funeral, for example, or argue about family finances. Recognize that such conflicts are natural, if unpleasant. Do your part to encourage open communication during this stressful family time. You may find, on the other hand, that the death of your parent brings you and your siblings closer together. If so, welcome this gift.

Finally, when there is a surviving parent, try to understand the death’s impact on him or her. The death of a spouse-often a husband or wife of many decades-means many different things to the surviving spouse than it does to you, the child of that union. This does not mean that you are necessarily responsible for the living parent; in fact, to heal you must first and foremost meet your own grief needs. But it does mean that you, a younger and often more resilient family member, should be patient and compassionate as you continue your relationship with the surviving parent.

Reach Out to Others for Support

Perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out for help from others. Think of it this way: grieving the loss of a parent may be the hardest work you have ever done. And hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand.

If your parent was old, you may find that others don’t fully acknowledge your loss. As a culture, we tend not to value the elderly. We see them as having outlived their usefulness instead of as a source of great wisdom, experience and love. And so when an elderly parent dies, we say, “Be glad she lived a long, full life” or “It was his time to go” instead of “Your mother was a special person and your relationship with her must have meant a lot to you. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Blended or nontraditional families can also be the source of disenfranchised grief. If you have lost someone who wasn’t your biological parent but who was, in the ways that count, a mother or father to you, know that your grief for this person is normal and necessary. You have the right to fully mourn the death of a parent-figure.

Seek out people who acknowledge your loss and will listen to you as you openly express your grief. Avoid people who try to judge your feelings or worse yet, try to take them away from you. Sharing your pain with others won’t make it disappear, but it will, over time, make it more bearable. Reaching out for help also connects you to other people and strengthens the bonds of love that make life seem worth living again.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get enough rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.

Allow yourself to “dose” your grief; do not force yourself to think about and respond to the death every moment of every day. Yes, you must mourn if you are to heal, but you must also live.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of your parent’s death, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

You may hear someone say, “With faith, you don’t need to grieve.” Don’t believe it. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems to build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

Allow Yourself to Search for Meaning

You may find yourself asking “Why did Mom have to die now?” or “What happens after death?” This search for the meaning of life and living is a normal response to the death of a parent. In fact, to heal in grief you must explore such important questions. It’s OK if you don’t find definitive answers, though. What’s more important is that you allow yourself the opportunity to think (and feel) things through.

Treasure Your Memories

Though your parent is no longer physically with you, he or she lives on in spirit through your memories. Treasure those memories. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry, but in either case, they are a lasting and important part of the relationship you had with your mother or father.

You may also want to create lasting tributes to your parent-child relationship. Consider planting a tree or putting together a special memory box with snapshots and other keepsakes.

Move Toward Your Grief and Heal

To live and love wholly again, you must mourn. You will not heal unless you allow yourself to openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. And never forget that the death of a parent changes your life forever.

Related Resources

The Journey Through Grief: Reflections on Healing (book)

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Allow Yourself to Mourn

Your child has died. You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death of your child. It is an essential part of healing.

With the death of your child, your hopes, dreams and plans for the future are turned upside down. You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful, and overwhelming. The death of a child results in the most profound bereavement. In fact, sometimes your feelings of grief may be so intense that you do not understand what is happening. This article provides practical suggestions to help you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.

Realize Your Grief is Unique

Your grief is unique. No one will grieve in exactly the same way. Your experience will be influenced by a variety of factors: the relationship you had with the person who died; the circumstances surrounding the death; your emotional support system; and your cultural and religious background.

As a result of these factors, you will grieve in your own special way. Don’t try to compare your experience with that of other people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a “one-day-at-a-time” approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Allow Yourself to Feel Numb

Feeling dazed or numb when your child dies may well be a part of your early grief experience. You may feel as if the world has suddenly come to a halt. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you.

You may feel you are in a dream-like state and that you will wake up and none of this will be true. These feelings of numbness and disbelief help insulate you from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don’t want to believe.

This Death is “Out of Order”

Because the more natural order is for parents to precede their children in death, you must readapt to a new and seemingly illogical reality. This shocking reality says that even though you are older and have been the protector and provider, you have survived while your child has not. This can be so difficult to comprehend.

Not only has the death of your child violated nature’s way, where the young grow up and replace the old, but your personal identity was tied to your child. You may feel impotent and wonder why you couldn’t have protected your child from death.

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions

The death of your child can result in a variety of emotions. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, anger and relief are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don’t be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of your child. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low-energy level may naturally slow you down.

Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn’t mean feeling sorry for yourself it means you are using survival skills.

Talk About Your Grief

Express your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won’t make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn’t mean you are losing control or going “crazy.” It is a normal part of your grief journey.

Watch Out for Clichés

Clichés-trite comments some people make in attempts to diminish your loss-can be extremely painful for you to hear. Comments like, “You are holding up so well,” “Time heals all wounds,” “Think of what you have to be thankful for” or “You have to be strong for others” are not constructive. While these comments may be well intended, you do not have to accept them. You have every right to express your grief. No one has the right to take it away.

Develop a Support System

Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Seek out those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings — both happy and sad.

A support group may be one of the best ways to help yourself. In a group, you can connect with other parents who have experienced the death of a child. You will be allowed and gently encouraged to talk about your child as much, and as often, as you like.

Sharing the pain won’t make it disappear, but it can ease any thoughts that what you are experiencing is crazy, or somehow bad. Support comes in different forms for different people — support groups, counseling, friends, faith — find out what combination works best for you and try to make use of them.

Embrace Your Treasure of Memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of a child. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends.

Keep in mind that memories can be tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it’s all right to cry. Memories that were made in love — no one can take them away from you.

Gather Important Keepsakes

You may want to collect some important keepsakes that help you treasure your memories. You may want to create a memory book, which is a collection of photos that represent your child’s life. Some people create memory boxes to keep special keepsakes in. Then, whenever you want, you can open your memory box and embrace those special memories. The reality that your child has died does not diminish your need to have these objects. They are a tangible, lasting part of the special relationship you had with your child.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of your child, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

Move toward Your Grief and Heal

To restore your capacity to love you must grieve when your child dies. You can’t heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of your child changes your life forever. It’s not that you won’t be happy again, it’s simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the child died.

The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life.

Related Resources

Understanding Grief: Helping Yourself Heal (book)

Ten Freedoms for Creating a Meaningful Funeral

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Meaningful funerals do not just happen. They are well-thought-out rituals that, at least for a day or two, demand your focus and your time. But the planning may feel less burdensome if you keep in mind that the energy you expend now to create a personalized, inclusive ceremony will help you, your family and other mourners embark on healthy, healing grief journeys.

The following list is intended to empower you to create a funeral that will be meaningful to you and your family and friends.

1. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. It is a way for you and others who loved the person who died to say, “We mourn this death and we need each other during this painful time.” If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

2. You have the freedom to plan a funeral that will meet the unique needs of your family.

While you may find comfort and meaning in traditional funeral ceremonies, you also have the right to create a ceremony that reflects the unique personality of your family and the person who died. Do not be afraid to add personal touches to even traditional funerals.

3. You have the freedom to ask friends and family members to be involved in the funeral.

For many, funerals are most meaningful when they involve a variety of people who loved the person who died. You might ask others to give a reading, deliver the eulogy, play music or even help plan the funeral.

4. You have the freedom to view the body before and during the funeral.

While viewing the body is not appropriate for all cultures and faiths, many people find it helps them acknowledge the reality of the death. It also provides a way to say goodbye to the person who died. There are many benefits to viewings and open casket ceremonies; don’t let others tell you this practice is morbid or wrong.

5. You have the freedom to embrace your pain during the funeral.

The funeral may be one of the most painful but also the most cathartic moments of your life. Allow yourself to embrace your pain and to express it openly. Do not be ashamed to cry. Find listeners who will accept your feelings no matter what they are.

6. You have the freedom to plan a funeral that will reflect your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, the funeral is an ideal time for you to uphold and find comfort in that faith. Those with more secular spiritual orientations also have the freedom to plan a ceremony that meets their needs.

7. You have the freedom to search for meaning before, during and after the funeral.

When someone loved dies, you may find yourself questioning your faith and the very meaning of life and death. This is natural and in no way wrong. Don’t let others dismiss your search for meaning with clichÃ©d responses such as, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you still have to be thankful for.”

8. You have the freedom to make use of memory during the funeral.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Ask your funeral officiant to include memories from many different people in the eulogy. Create a “memory board” or a “memory table.” Ask those attending the funeral to share their most special memory of the person who died with you.

9. You have the freedom to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Especially in the days immediately following the death, your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals.

10. You have the freedom to move toward your grief and heal.

While the funeral is an event, your grief is not. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you, before, during and after the funeral. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Related Resources

Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies: A Guide for Families (book)

Tenet 2: Companioning Principle

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

When someone we love dies and we feel suffering, it does not mean that something is wrong. Going into the wilderness of the soul with another human being is anchored in walking with them through spiritual distress without thinking we have to have them attain “resolution” or “recovery.”

Being in the wilderness relates to being in a liminal space. “Limina” is the Latin word for threshold, the space betwixt and between. Liminal space is that spiritual place where most people hate to be, but where the experience of grief leads them. This is often where the griever’s worldview-the set of beliefs about how the world functions and what place they as individuals occupy therein-comes into question. Putting one’s shattered worldview back together paradoxically requires companions that do not think their helping role is to fix or give answers or explanations. There is no technique, no formula, no prescription for the wilderness experience.

A critical part of being present to someone in the wilderness of the soul is to be open to states of not knowing the outcome or trying to force the outcome. Most North Americans have trouble trusting in this process and feel an instinctive need to get the mourner out of the wilderness, or, at the very least, to try to move them to the left or the right. We have become a people who demand answers, explanations and expect fast and efficient resolutions.

The Ambiguity of Loss

We don’t like pain, sadness, anxiety, ambiguity, loss of control-all normal symptoms of the wilderness of grief. We want to experience light before we encounter darkness. If we as caregivers cannot be still in the presence of these care-eliciting symptoms, we will be tempted to explain or treat them away. After all, we falsely think that any explanation is better than being in liminal space. A sense of control is better than the terrible “cloud of unknowing.” Yet, the opposite of control is actually participation-in this context, participation in the work of mourning while one is “under reconstruction.”

The challenge for many caregivers is to stay on the threshold of the wilderness without consciously or unconsciously demanding or projecting a desire for resolution. In other words, there is a tendency to be attached to outcome, not open to outcome. Obviously, the instinct to move the mourner away from pain and suffering is rooted in the desire to stay distant from one’s own pain.

Sadly, many people, caregivers and lay public alike, have come to regard grief as an enemy. Brokenness is not something we choose to invite in. Instead of honoring the wise words of Joseph Addison, who once said “I will indulge my sorrows, and give way to all the pangs and fury of despair,” our contemporary mantra seems to be more aligned with the words of the Bobby McFerrin song: “Don’t Worry, Be Happy!”

The No Place That Is Grief

In contrast, ancient cultures seemed to understand the value of being in the wilderness as a part of any kind of major transition in life’s journey. They often invited themselves into the wilderness through experiences such as spending 40 days in the desert, climbing to the mountaintops, and taking solo journeys into the ocean. Whatever the underlying set of beliefs, to get where he was eventually going the journeyer first had to experience going to nowhere, to release himself from who and what he had been. In the “no place” of the wilderness he could begin building a new person and place again.

This resonates with my experience of companioning people in life transitions. It seems we cannot integrate loss into our lives until we embrace the fear and sometimes raw terror of going to this “no place” wilderness and descending into it on our way through it. Then and only then do we begin to notice that something begins to slowly shift as we open our hearts to the pain of grief.

Of course, there are powerful forces that invite mourners to do otherwise. We are told to “keep busy,” “carry on” and “find someone to meet.” Following these mourning-avoidant scripts, the griever may try to retrace her steps back to a time or place that feels familiar, a place to find one’s “old self”-but that old self is gone forever. Now, being temporarily lost in the wilderness of grief is that familiar place. Slowly, over time and with gentle companions, the mourner can search for renewed meaning and discover a new self.

But through this time of turmoil, the discomfort and mystery of being in the wilderness is meant to be. In reality, it is actually a kind of “purification phase”-it is just one phase of the journey that will very slowly change into something else. The important thing is to learn to honor and respect this process and to lean into it despite the instinct to do otherwise.

No, it is not comfortable to be betwixt and between-to be helpless, out of control, depressed, anxious, and to not know. Again, if we look to other cultures we discover that in parts of Africa, a person who is in a place of not knowing is considered to be in a place of “walking the land of gray clouds.” During times of uncertainty and not knowing, it is considered inappropriate, even foolish, to take action. In fact, it is considered an act of wisdom to wait and trust the process. The opposite of trusting the process is trying to control the uncontrollable-obviously an impossible task when it involves experiences of grief and mourning.

Detachment and Grief

Central to not being attached to outcome is the concept of detachment. The majority of Westerners think of “detachment” as a lack of warmth and caring. Yet, linguistically, the word detachment is often defined as “the capacity to come deeply from an objective place.” Considered from this perspective, detachment can be seen as not trying to control what you can’t control. In part, it is “going with the symptom.” It is observing what the soul is teaching about the depth of feeling and not trying to change it. You stay present to what is without thinking you need to change it or take it away. You observe the soul; you don’t mask or try to do away with symptoms of soul work. All this time, you stay patient and recognize that going through grief is more necessary than going around it or moving beyond it.

When you are detached, you are still very much present to the deep soul work that is taking place. This is about not getting pulled in to feeling responsible for taking away the pain of the loss. Actually, you care deeply in a way that allows you to be totally present to what is there rather than what you wish was there. You could consider this a homeopathic response of going with what is presented as opposed to against it. You are open to outcome, not attached to outcome! Or, as the Zen statement observes in a lovely way, “Spring comes, and the grass grows all by itself.” The companion is able to acknowledge that less effort is sometimes better.

New Models of Grief Care

This orientation to caring is in contrast to modern psychological approaches that tend toward a more rational and logical understanding of matters of the heart. Modern psychology invites people to identify a problem and fix it. “Managed care” is just that-managed care. Very few models exist wherein we see the value of soul and symptoms of distress that need to be reflected on, observed, and respected.

We need soul-based models of caring that demonstrate the sensitivity of the heart. We need models that allow mourners to stay open to the mystery as they encounter the wilderness of their grief. We need models that respect that we don’t have to understand and control everything that surrounds us. In fact, perhaps it is in “standing under” the mysterious experience of death that provides us with a unique perspective. We are not above or bigger than death. Maybe only after discovering the liminal space of the wilderness, in which we do not “understand,” can we patiently discover renewed meaning and purpose in our continued living.

Surrendering To Grief

In my experience, “understanding” comes when we as companions help the grievers surrender: surrender any need to compare their grief (it’s not a competition); surrender any self-critical judgments (self-compassion is a critical ingredient to integrating loss into life); and surrender any need to completely understand (we never do because mystery is something to be pondered, not explained).

The grief that touches our souls has its own voice and should not be compromised by a need for comparison, judgment, or even complete understanding. Actually, surrendering to the unknowable wilderness of grief is a courageous choice, an act of faith, a trust in God and in oneself. The grieving person can only hold this mystery in her heart and surround herself with compassionate, non-judgmental companions. My hope is that that is YOU-the reader of this book.

For transformation of grief to unfold, you have to surrender to the experience. Trying to stay in control by denying, inhibiting or converting grief can result in what Kierkegaard termed “unconscious despair.” Doing the soul work of grief demands going into and through suffering and integrating it in ways that help unite you with your fellow strugglers and the greater community of people.

John Keats observed in Shakespeare what he called a “negative capability”â€¦ “the capacity to be in mystery and doubt without any irritable searching after fact and reason.” I have discovered that one way to survive the wilderness experience is to remember that you are doing the hard work of mourning even when you may seem to be doing nothing. And even when the mourner feels like he is making the slowest of progress and edging out of the deep wilderness, there will be times when he will feel like he is backtracking and being ravaged by the forces around him. This, too, is the nature of grief. Complete mastery of a wilderness experience is not possible. Just as we cannot control the winds and storms and the beasts in nature, we can never have total dominion over our grief. However, as the griever experiences the wilderness, he both needs and deserves caring companions along the way.

Related Resources

Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies: A Guide for Families (book)

The Awesome Power of “Telling The Story”

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Why I’m Proud to be a Grief Counselor

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

As my father lay in his hospital bed recovering from cancer surgery recently, it was my privilege to honor his life story. My wonderful father recognized in his head and heart that his days on this earth were limited. Rest did not come easy, but his need to “story” did.

His love of family flowed out of stories from his childhood. He told me how his mother inspired his love for baseball. He told me how his father wasn’t very emotionally or physically available to him as he grew from childhood to adolescence. He told me of his deep love for his older brothers and sisters.

In the midst of my awareness that I would soon not have my father in my life, I listened and I learned. I affirmed that his love for me was true and abiding. I learned of his fears about my mother, who will survive him. I learned what I already knew-my father is a great man, a loving husband and a wonderful father.

I also learned about the awesome power of “telling the story.” As he shifted from topic to topic, he didn’t need me to get in the way. As he at times struggled with a specific detail of a long-ago memory, he didn’t need me to get in the way. As he was brought to tears by his love-filled memories of life and living, he didn’t need me to get in the way.

I’m writing these words on the airplane as I leave him for what may be one of the last times. As I reflect on my all-night vigil of honoring his story, I’m once again humbled by the remarkable importance of how “storying” brings meaning and purpose to our life and death experiences.

For you see, I’m a grief counselor and I commit much of my life’s vocation to honoring stories. Stories of love and loss. Stories of pain and joy. Stories of hopes fulfilled and dreams lost.

My heightened awareness of story’s power comes to be at a moment of need. I recently was called upon to do a series of media interviews ranging from daily newspapers to TIME magazine. Surprisingly, I was put in the position of defending my chosen profession. You see, following the highly publicized Columbine High School tragedy, the media had many leads to pursue. Yet, when the flawed analysis of the causes, the emotional interviews with those most impacted, and the coverage of the funerals was over, the media felt the urge to find more story lines. After all, anything connected to Columbine seemed to capture readers.

So, in the frenzy to search out and create more stories they found me-a grief counselor; a person who founded a Center for Loss & Life Transition years ago in an effort to help people devastated by loss; a person who loves to educate and train others about the importance and value of companioning each other in times of grief.

It didn’t take me long in talking to the media to understand that the stories would not be friendly. All I had to do was ponder the nature of the questions: “Don’t you think these kids would be better off just putting this tragedy behind them?” “Why do all these grief counselors think they have to rush to the scene?” “What is the value of what you do?” “Aren’t you just listening and getting paid for it?”

Re-Affirming Our Value

Thanks to my loving father and his need to “tell the story,” I’ve given more thought to the many reasons why I’m proud to be a grief educator and counselor. Among the many benefits of “honoring the stories” of our fellow human beings are the following:

We can search for wholeness among our fractured parts.
We can come to know who we are in new and unexpected ways.
We can explore our past, and come to a more profound understanding of our origins and our future directions.
We can tentatively explain our view of the world and come to understand who we are.
We can explore how love experienced and how love lost have influenced our time on this earth.
We can discover how a life without “story” is like a book without pages-nice to see, but lacking in substance.
We can seek forgiveness and be humbled by our mortality.
We can determine how adversity has enriched our meaning and purpose of life.
We can journey inward and discover connections previously not understood or acknowledged.
We can create an awareness of how the past interfaces with the present, and how the present ebbs back into the past.
We can discover that the route to healing lies not only in the physical realm, but in the emotional and spiritual realms.
We can find that the fulfillment of a life well lived is bestowed through the translation of our past into experiences that are expressed through the oral or written word.
We can come to understand that in our pain and suffering lies the awareness of the preciousness of each day on this earth.
We can discover our truth in this present moment of time and space.

In part, we heal ourselves as we tell the tale. And this is the awesome power of the story.

Yet, in our fast-paced, efficiency-based culture, which lacks an understanding of the role of hurt in healing, many people do not understand the value of “telling the story.” Honoring stories would require that we slow down, turn inward and embrace our own and others’ pain. Listening to stories filled with sadness and grief are intolerable in a culture that collectively avoids these emotions whenever possible.

So, a number of media-types recently tried to suggest that grief counselors are unnecessary, perhaps even damaging. They might have you believe that those most impacted by the Columbine tragedy would be better off if they bucked-up, carried on and kept their chins up. One of my interviewers even asked, “Don’t you think traumatic pain like this is better off denied?” In an effort to create a story, the media tried to become “story-killers.”

But the need to “tell the story” and have it heard prevails. The need to have safe places to acknowledge the reality of loss, embrace pain, secure memories, search for meaning, and have ongoing support is more powerful than the media, which has been contaminated by a culture that has lost its sense of community.

I hope you are as proud as I am to be a grief counselor. Though some may question the need for what you and I do to help people in grief, I suggest we stand tall and proud. Of course, you and I understand that grief counseling and therapy is much more complex than honoring mourners’ stories. Still, it is primarily through having places to “story” that people have the opportunity to try to make sense of the senseless, to embrace what needs to be embraced, and to reveal that the human spirit prevails.

A Sacred Moment

Honoring my father’s story also blessed me with a sacred moment. As I was helping him prepare to leave the hospital, he gave me a “high five,” and with a glint in his eye he said, “Thanks for listening. Thanks for helping me make a plan to go home.” Oh, yes, the awesome power of the story.

Thanks Dad for reminding me not only of your love for me and our family, but of how all of us need to stop-to listen-and to honor stories about life and death. Thanks for making me proud to be a grief counselor and companion to my fellow human beings. But most of all, thanks for making me proud to be your son.

Why Is the Funeral Ritual Important?

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

“When words are inadequate, have a ritual.”
Anonymous

Rituals are symbolic activities that help us, together with our families and friends, express our deepest thoughts and feelings about life’s most important events. Baptism celebrates the birth of a child and that child’s acceptance into the church family. Birthday parties honor the passing of another year in the life of someone we love. Weddings publicly affirm the private love shared by two people.

The funeral ritual, too, is a public, traditional and symbolic means of expressing our beliefs, thoughts and feelings about the death of someone loved. Rich in history and rife with symbolism, the funeral ceremony helps us acknowledge the reality of the death, gives testimony to the life of the deceased, encourages the expression of grief in a way consistent with the culture’s values, provides support to mourners, allows for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death, and offers continuity and hope for the living.

Unfortunately, our mourning-avoiding culture has to a large extent forgotten these crucial purposes of the meaningful funeral. As a death educator and grief counselor, I am deeply concerned that individuals, families and ultimately society as a whole will suffer if we do not reinvest ourselves in the funeral ritual. This article explores the grief-healing benefits of meaningful funerals-benefits we are losing to the deritualization trend.

I have discovered that a helpful way to teach about the purposes of authentic funeral ceremonies is to frame them up in the context of the “reconciliation needs of mourning”-my twist on what other author’s have called the “tasks of mourning.” The reconciliation needs of mourning are the six needs that I believe to be the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.

How the authentic funeral helps meet the six reconciliation needs of mourning:

Mourning Need #1. Acknowledge the reality of the death.

When someone loved dies, we must openly acknowledge the reality and the finality of the death if we are to move forward with our grief. Typically, we embrace this reality in two phases. First we acknowledge the death with our minds; we are told that someone we loved has died and, intellectually at least, we understand the fact of the death. Over the course of the following days and weeks, and with the gentle understanding of those around us, we begin to acknowledge the reality of the death in our hearts.

Meaningful funeral ceremonies can serve as wonderful points of departure for “head understanding” of the death. Intellectually, funerals teach us that someone we loved is now dead, even though up until the funeral we may have denied this fact. When we contact the funeral home, set a time for the service, plan the ceremony, view the body, perhaps even choose clothing and jewelry for the body, we cannot avoid acknowledging that the person has died. When we see the casket being lowered into the ground, we are witness to death’s finality.

Mourning Need #2. Move toward the pain of the loss.

As our acknowledgment of the death progresses from what I call “head understanding” to “heart understanding,” we begin to embrace the pain of the loss-another need the bereaved must have met if they are to heal. Healthy grief means expressing our painful thoughts and feelings, and healthy funeral ceremonies allow us to do just that.

People tend to cry, even sob and wail, at funerals because funerals force us to concentrate on the fact of the death and our feelings, often excruciatingly painful, about that death. For at least an hour or two-longer for mourners who plan the ceremony or attend the visitation-those attending the funeral are not able to intellectualize or distance themselves from the pain of their grief. To their credit, funerals also provide us with an accepted venue for our painful feelings. They are perhaps the only time and place, in fact, during which we as a society condone such openly outward expression of our sadness.

Mourning Need #3. Remember the person who died.

To heal in grief, we must shift our relationship with the person who died from one of physical presence to one of memory. The authentic funeral encourages us to begin this shift, for it provides a natural time and place for us to think about the moments we shared-good and bad-with the person who died. Like no other time before or after the death, the funeral invites us to focus on our past relationship with that one, single person and to share those memories with others.

At traditional funerals, the eulogy attempts to highlight the major events in the life of the deceased and the characteristics that he or she most prominently displayed. This is helpful to mourners, for it tends to prompt more intimate, individualized memories. Later, after the ceremony itself, many mourners will informally share memories of the person who died. This, too, is meaningful. Throughout our grief journeys, the more we are able “tell the story”-of the death itself, of our memories of the person who died-the more likely we will be to reconcile our grief. Moreover, the sharing of memories at the funeral affirms the worth we have placed on the person who died, legitimizing our pain. Often, too, the memories others choose to share with us at the funeral are memories that we have not heard before. This teaches us about the dead person’s life apart from ours and allows us glimpses into that life that we may cherish forever.

Mourning Need #4. Develop a new self-identity.

Another primary reconciliation need of mourning is the development of a new self-identity. We are all social beings whose lives are given meaning in relation to the lives of those around us. I am not just Alan Wolfelt, but a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a friend. When someone close to me dies, my self-identity as defined in those ways changes.

The funeral helps us begin this difficult process of developing a new self-identity because it provides a social venue for public acknowledgment of our new roles. If you are a parent of a child and that child dies, the funeral marks the beginning of your life as a former parent (in the physical sense; you will always have that relationship through memory). Others attending the funeral are in effect saying, “We acknowledge your changed identity and we want you to know we still care about you.” On the other hand, in situations where there is no funeral, the social group does not know how to relate to the person whose identity has changed and often that person is socially abandoned. In addition, having supportive friends and family around us at the time of the funeral helps us realize we literally still exist. This self-identity issue is illustrated by a comment the bereaved often make: “When he died, I felt like a part of me died, too.”

Mourning Need #5. Search for meaning.

When someone loved dies, we naturally question the meaning of life and death. Why did this person die? Why now? Why this way? Why does it have to hurt so much? What happens after death? To heal in grief, we must explore these types of questions if we are to become reconciled to our grief. In fact, we must first ask these “why” questions to decide why we should go on living before we can ask ourselves how we will go on living. This does not mean we must find definitive answers, only that we need the opportunity to think (and feel) things through.

On a more fundamental level, the funeral reinforces one central fact of our existence: we will die. Like living, dying is a natural and unavoidable process. (We North Americans tend not to acknowledge this.) Thus the funeral helps us search for meaning in the life and death of the person who died as well as in our own lives and impending deaths. Each funeral we attend serves as a sort of dress rehearsal for our own.

Funerals are a way in which we as individuals and as a community convey our beliefs and values about life and death. The very fact of a funeral demonstrates that death is important to us. For the living to go on living as fully and as healthily as possible, this is as it should be.

Mourning Need #6. Receive ongoing support from others.

As we have said, funerals are a public means of expressing our beliefs and feelings about the death of someone loved. In fact, funerals are the public venue for offering support to others and being supported in grief, both at the time of the funeral and into the future. Funerals make a social statement that says, “Come support me.” Whether they realize it or not, those who choose not to have a funeral are saying, “Don’t come support me.”

Funerals let us physically demonstrate our support, too. Sadly, ours is not a demonstrative society, but at funerals we are “allowed” to embrace, to touch, to comfort. Again, words are inadequate so we nonverbally demonstrate our support. This physical show of support is one of the most important healing aspects of meaningful funeral ceremonies.

Finally, and most simply, funerals serve as the central gathering place for mourners. When we care about someone who died or his family members, we attend the funeral if at all possible. Our physical presence is our most important show of support for the living. By attending the funeral we let everyone else there know that they are not alone in their grief.

Helping Grieving Children at School

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A Student is Grieving

As a teacher or school counselor, you know how profoundly a student’s home life affects her school life. The two are inextricably intertwined. When someone in the child’s family dies, then, the death colors every moment of every day for the child. The child cannot “put her grief aside” while she learns and plays alongside the other students. Instead, she must learn to integrate her grief into all aspects of her life, including school.

You can help. By following the guidelines in this article, you will help the child cope with her grief and ease the transition from life before the death to life after the death.

School is a Place for Support

You are important to your students. From you they learn not only facts and figures, but behaviors and emotions. They also rely on you for support during the seven or so hours they are in your care each day. In many ways, you are not only their teacher or counselor, but their authority figure, role model friend and confidant during the school day.

So, school isn’t just a place for book learning. It’s a home away from home, a place for students to share their lives with others. When a student is grieving, he needs to share his new and scary feelings. He needs to know that like home, school will be a stable and loving refuge.

Talking to Children about Death

As a teacher or counselor, you are probably good at talking to children. You know that they respond better, for example, when you get down on their level and maintain eye contact. You ask open-ended questions to solicit their thoughts and feelings. Without talking down to them, you use language that they understand.

Keep up the good work. You’ll need all these skills as you help students grieve. But you may find that talking about death isn’t so easy. That’s OK. Our culture as a whole has a hard time discussing death.

Actually, what grieving children need most is for someone to listen to and understand them-not to talk at them. Instead of worrying about what to say, try to create opportunities for your bereaved student to talk to you about the death.

Learn About Grief

To help your students cope with death and grief, you must continually enhance your own knowledge of childhood grief. While we will never evolve to a point of knowing “everything there is to know about death,” we can always strive to broaden our understanding and degree of helpfulness. Take advantage of resources and training opportunities as they become available.

Another part of learning about grief involves exploring your assumptions about life and death. Think about your own personal losses. Who close to you has died? What did their deaths mean to you? Were you a child when someone you loved died? If so, how did you feel? How did the important adults in your life-including teachers and counselors-help you with your feelings of grief? Thinking about these issues will help you better help your students.

Teach What You Learn to Students

Don’t wait until a student’s parents are killed in a car accident to teach your class about death and grief. Make lesson plans that incorporate these important topics into the curriculum. And use natural, everyday encounters with death-a run-over squirrel, a car accident that made local headlines-to talk about your students’ fears and concerns.

Remember the concepts of the “teachable moment” and “created moment.” The teachable moment occurs when an opportunity to teach children about life and death arises through events happening around them. A baby is born; a classmate’s grandfather dies. When these events occur, make positive use of them by talking openly about them. The created moment means not waiting for “one big tell all” about death but working to create regular opportunities to teach children about death.

Children who have already been acquainted with the naturalness and permanence of death are more likely to grieve in healthy ways when someone they love dies.

Acting-Out in the Grieving Child

Many children express the pain of grief by acting-out. This behavior usually varies depending on the child’s age and developmental level. The child may become unusually loud and noisy, have a temper outburst, start fights with other children, defy authority, or simply rebel against everything. Other examples of acting-out behavior include getting poor grades or assuming a general attitude that says, “I don’t care about anything.” Older children may even run away from home.

Underlying a grieving child’s misbehavior are feelings of insecurity, abandonment and low self-esteem. This basic recognition is the essence of artfully helping during this difficult time. My experience as a grief counselor has shown me that probably the two greatest needs of a bereaved child are for affection and a sense of security. Appropriate limit-setting and discipline, then, should attempt to meet these essential needs. We must let bereaved children know that we care about them despite their present behavior.

Adult modeling and setting reasonable boundaries help bereaved children develop their internal controls while at the same time providing children the opportunity to make painful mistakes. As we all know, discovering we make mistakes as we grow up is an important lesson.

When a Classmate Dies

Children aren’t supposed to die. We all know and believe this truism. But the reality is, sometimes children do die. When a classmate dies, the other children will be profoundly impacted. They will probably feel a deep sense of loss and sadness, especially those who were among the classmate’s close friends. Many will be curious. They will want to know what happened to Bobby and why. Some of the children will be afraid. When a classmate dies, children begin to understand that they, too, could die young. Other normal feelings include shock, anger and even relief.

Because the death was part of the children’s school lives, you will be the primary caregiver your students will look to for help with their grief. The first school day after the death, spend some class time explaining what happened. Remember to use simple, concrete language and honestly answer their questions. Model your own feelings. If you want to cry, cry-without apologizing for it. Later in the day you might have the children make drawings or write letters to give to the dead student’s parents.

Send a note home with students informing parents about the death. With parental permission, you might also arrange for interested students to attend the funeral. And don’t forget, grief is a process, not an event. In the weeks and months to come, you will need to provide ongoing opportunities for your students to express their grief.

Getting Extra Help for the Bereaved Student

When a student seems to be having a particularly hard time dealing with grief, help him get extra help. Explore the full spectrum of helping services in your community. Hospice bereavement programs, church groups and private therapists are appropriate resources for some young people, while others may just need a little more time and attention from their parents or other caring adults.

If you decide that individual counseling outside the realm of school counseling might be able to help the bereaved student, try to find a counselor who specializes in bereavement counseling and has experience working with children. Scan your Yellow Pages for counselors citing grief or bereavement as a specialty. Another credential to look for is certification from the Association for Death Education and Counseling.

Guidelines for Helping Grieving Children

Be a good observer. A bereaved child’s behavior can be very telling about her emotions.
Listen. Let each child teach you what grief is like for him. And don’t rush in with explanations. Usually it’s more helpful to ask exploring questions than to supply cookie-cutter answers.
Be patient. Children’s grief isn’t typically obvious and immediate.
Be honest. Don’t lie to children about death. They need to know that it’s permanent and irreversible. Don’t use euphemisms that cloud these facts. Use simple and direct language.
Be available. Bereaved children need to know that they can count on the adults in their lives to listen to them, support them and love them.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping a Child Who Is Dying

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A child you care about is dying. You want to offer your love and care, but you are not sure how to go about it. Whether you are a parent, friend or caregiver, this article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into actions.

When a Child is Dying

Children aren’t supposed to die. We all believe this in our hearts, yet unfortunately children do die. Confronting this difficult reality for yourself is the first step you can take to help the dying child.

You will probably come to accept the fact of the child’s impending death over time, and it may not be until the child actually dies that you fully and finally acknowledge the reality. This is normal.

For now, though, try to accept the reality of the child’s medical condition, if only with your head. You will later come to accept it with your heart.

Don’t Underestimate the Child’s Capacity to Understand

Children have the capacity to understand more than we often give them credit for. Like adults, they deserve our respect and compassion-and our honesty. Sometimes adults, in an effort to protect themselves, assume that children are incapable of understanding or should be protected from the truth. They don’t talk directly to dying children about their prognoses, which can leave them feeling alone and isolated.

Children can cope with what they know. They can’t cope with what they don’t know. Dying children deserve an atmosphere that creates open, two-way communication. Many terminally ill children will go back and forth between wanting to know details about their illness and not wanting to acknowledge they are even sick. It is critical to follow the lead of the child. Always listen first as you support open dialogue about any feelings, concerns or questions they might have. If they ask something and you don’t know the answer, simply say, “I don’t know.”

Be Honest with the Child About Her Coming Death

As the child comes to comprehend her illness and its severity, explain to her that she will likely die-in language she will understand. This may be the hardest thing you have ever done. But honest love is what the dying child needs most.

Depending on her age and developmental maturity, she may not immediately (or ever) fully understand what this means. But she will begin to incorporate the notion of death into her remaining life and will have the opportunity to think about it and ask questions. She will also have the privilege of saying goodbye.

Do not try to protect the child by lying to her about her condition. The dying child who is told she will get better will notice the disparity between this false hope and the way those around her are acting. She will be confused, frustrated and perhaps angry.

We show our love and respect for all children by being honest and open with them. We show our love and respect for dying children by helping them understand that they are dying.

Encourage Open Communication, But Do Not Force It

As caring adults we should encourage honest communication among the child, caregivers, family and friends. However, we should never force it. Children will naturally “dose” themselves as they encounter the reality of the illness in their life. They aren’t able to take in all the information at once, nor will they want to.

Answer only what is asked in the child’s terms. Don’t over-respond out of your own anxiety. Remember-children will determine with whom they want to share their pain. Often, the child wants to protect his parents or other close adults and will adopt a “chin up” attitude around them. This is a normal response and should be respected.

Watch for the Child’s Indirect Communication

Children, particularly seriously ill children, are not always direct about their thoughts and feelings. They may make statements, display behaviors or ask questions that indirectly suggest their understanding or awareness of a situation. These cues reflect underlying needs and deserve loving responses. Pay special attention to the child’s non-verbal means of trying to communicate any needs or concerns.

What the Dying Child May be Feeling

Aside from the considerable physical toll terminal illness can take, dying also affects a child’s head, heart and spirit. While you wouldn’t want to prescribe what a child might feel, do be aware that they may experience a variety of emotions. Fear, anxiety, anger, sadness and loneliness are just a few of the emotions they may feel-one at a time or simultaneously.

These feelings are a natural response to serious illness. Perhaps you can be among those who enter into the child’s feelings without thinking they have to help the child “get over” these feelings.

Helping the Dying Child Live

Terminal illness presents human beings with an exceedingly difficult and contradictory challenge: you are dying, you know you are dying, yet it is your nature to want to live. Dying children often feel this tension, too. If the adults around them have been honest, they understand that they will soon die, but they still want to live and laugh and play as often as they can.

Help the dying child live happily. Do what is in your power to make him comfortable. Create special, memorable moments for him. Don’t completely abandon his normal routine (this may make him feel out-of-control and unprotected), but do work to make each remaining day count. Above all, spend time with him. See that the people who mean the most to him are around him as often as possible.

Peer relationships are very important to children, and the illness will likely create some social and physical barriers to these friendships. As an adult, you can see that friendships continue to be nurtured when possible. Arrange a special party for the dying child. Make play dates with the child’s one or two best friends. Help the children write letters back and forth when personal contact isn’t possible.

Help the Child Take Advantage of Resources for the Dying

Local hospices are well-staffed and trained to help both the dying child and the dying child’s family. Their mission is to help the dying die with comfort, dignity and love, and to help survivors cope both before and after the death. Other organizations, like the Make-A-Wish Foundation, help dying children find joy in their short remaining lives.

Support Parents and Other Important Adults in the Child’s Life

A child’s terminal illness naturally impacts everyone who loves the child. Not only should you be supportive of the child, you should also be available to support and nurture other family members and close friends. The adult response to the illness will influence the child’s response. So, in supporting adults you are supporting the child.

Perhaps you can be a caring companion to the family and help in practical ways. Offer to provide food for the family, wash clothes, clean the house. Listen when they need to talk. Sit with the ill child to give parents a break. Help with other children in the family.

While words may be inadequate, your supportive behavior will be remembered forever.

Don’t Forget Siblings

Take special note of the dying child’s siblings. Because so much time and attention is being focused on the dying child right now, his brothers and sisters may feel emotionally abandoned. Go out of your way to ensure their needs are being met, as well.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. During this difficult time you may find comfort and hope in reading spiritual texts, attending religious services or praying. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs.

A Final Word

All children, terminally ill or not, have the right to be nurtured, to be children and to make choices that impact their lives. There is nothing more difficult for families than confronting the death of a child. As caring adults, we have a responsibility to maximize the quality of life for the child, the family and friends.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved. Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving, holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness.

Love Does Not End With Death

Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief-a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living. Society encourages you to join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died.

No simple guidelines exist that will take away the hurt you are feeling. We hope, however, the following suggestions will help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year. As you read through this article, remember that by being tolerant and compassionate with yourself, you will continue to heal.

Talk About Your Grief

During the holiday season, don’t be afraid to express your feelings of grief. Ignoring your grief won’t make the pain go away and talking about it openly often makes you feel better. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen-without judging you. They will help make you feel understood.

Be tolerant of Your Physical and Psychological Limits

Feelings of loss will probably leave you fatigued. Your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. And lower your own expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.

Eliminate Unnecessary Stress

You may already feel stressed, so don’t overextend yourself. Avoid isolating yourself, but be sure to recognize the need to have special time for yourself. Realize also that merely “keeping busy” won’t distract you from your grief, but may actually increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.

Be With Supportive, Comforting People

Identify those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings. Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings-both happy and sad.

Talk About the Person Who Has Died

Include the person’s name in your holiday conversation. If you are able to talk candidly, other people are more likely to recognize your need to remember that special person who was an important part of your life.

Do What Is Right for You During the Holidays

Well-meaning friends and family often try to prescribe what is good for you during the holidays. Instead of going along with their plans, focus on what you want to do. Discuss your wishes with a caring, trusted friend.

Talking about these wishes will help you clarify what it is you want to do during the holidays. As you become aware of your needs, share them with your friends and family.

Plan Ahead for Family Gatherings

Decide which family traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to begin. Structure your holiday time. This will help you anticipate activities, rather than just reacting to whatever happens. Getting caught off guard can create feelings of panic, fear and anxiety during the time of the year when your feelings of grief are already heightened. As you make your plans, however, leave room to change them if you feel it is appropriate.

Embrace Your Treasure of Memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. And holidays always make you think about times past. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it’s alright to cry. Memories that were made in love-no one can ever take them away from you.

Renew Your Resources for Living

Spend time thinking about the meaning and purpose of your life. The death of someone loved created opportunities for taking inventory of your life-past, present and future. The combination of a holiday and a loss naturally results in looking inward and assessing your individual situation. Make the best use of this time to define the positive things in life that surround you.

Express Your Faith

During the holidays, you may find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new set of beliefs. Associate with people who understand and respect your need to talk about these beliefs. If your faith is important, you may want to attend a holiday service or special religious ceremony. As you approach the holidays, remember: grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Don’t let anyone take your grief away. Love yourself. Be patient with yourself. And allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.

Related Resources

Understanding Grief: Helping Yourself Heal (book)

Helping a Child Who Has a Serious Illness

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A child you care about has a serious illness. You want to help, but you are not sure how to go about it. Whether you are a parent, friend or caregiver, this article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into actions.

The New Face of Serious Childhood Illnesses

As few as thirty years ago, children with a life-threatening illness and their families were gently told to prepare for a certain death. Fortunately, medical advances have increased chances of survival for children with many types of serious illness. Children with many types of childhood cancers, for example, now have a much greater chance of long-term survival.

The child’s physician has probably talked with you about the child’s prognosis. Where there is a chance for recovery, there is hope. But for the child’s sake, as well as your own, you must also focus on the here and now. The child is seriously ill and will probably be undergoing many experiences that are frightening and confusing. You can help by walking with the child in his journey through illness.

Don’t Underestimate the Child’s Capacity to Understand

Children do experience anxiety and grief related to their illness. So, they deserve support and understanding in coping with these feelings. Sometimes adults, in an effort to protect themselves, assume that children are incapable of understanding. They don’t talk directly to them about their illnesses, which can leave them feeling alone and isolated.

Children can cope with what they know. They can’t cope with what they don’t know. They deserve an atmosphere that creates open, two-way communication. Many seriously ill children will go back and forth between wanting to know details about their illness and not wanting to acknowledge they are even sick. It is critical to follow the lead of the child. Always listen first as you support open dialogue about any feelings, concerns or questions they might have. If they ask something and you don’t know the answer, simply say, “I don’t know.”

When the timing is right, explain the illness in language the child will understand. Explain what her treatment will be. Be specific when you can: “Tomorrow we will go to the clinic. We’ll be in a small room and a nurse will put a short needle in your arm. Through the needle, medicine will go into your body and help the sickness inside you go away. I’ll be right there with you the whole time.”

Encourage Open Communication, But Do Not Force It

Understand That the Child’s Communication Will Not Always Be Direct

What the Seriously Ill Child May be Feeling

Experiencing illness affects a child’s head, heart and spirit. While you wouldn’t want to prescribe what a child might feel, do be aware that they may experience a variety of emotions. Fear, anxiety, anger, sadness and loneliness are just a few of the emotions they may feel-one at a time or simultaneously.

Learn About the Child’s Illness

You will be better equipped to help the child if you take it upon yourself to learn about her illness. Visit your local library and consult the medical reference books. Request information from educational associations, such as the National Cancer Institute or the American Heart Association. Talk to her physician.

If you educate yourself about the illness and its treatments, you will be a more understanding listener when the child wants to talk. You’ll also be more able to explain some of the confusing medical information to her. Finally, you’ll be a more effective advocate for her if she is too young to make her own needs clear.

Support Parents and Other Important Adults in the Child’s Life

The serious illness of a child naturally impacts the entire family as well as friends. Not only should you be supportive of the child, you should also be available to support and nurture other family members and close friends. The adult response to the illness will influence the child’s response. So, in supporting adults you are supporting the child.

Perhaps you can be a caring companion and help in practical ways. Offer to provide food for the family, wash clothes, clean the house. Listen when they need to talk. Sit with the ill child to give parents a break. Help with other children in the family.

While words may be inadequate, your supportive behavior will be remembered forever.

Don’t Forget Siblings

Actively Involve Children in Treatment Plans

Seriously ill children benefit from being involved in their own treatment. Involvement helps create a sense of trust and gives them some measure of control. After all, if we know that children are aware of the seriousness of their illness and that open discussion helps them cope, then it only follows that they must be actively involved in treatment efforts.

Ask the sick child’s physician to explain treatment options to him in age-appropriate language. Allow the child time to think about this information and ask questions. Then take his responses seriously. Whenever possible, incorporate his wants and needs into the treatment plan.

Be Prepared for the Child to Ask About Death

Depending on the seriousness of the illness and the information she has been told, the child may well ask you if she is going to die. Don’t say “No” unless it is definitely true. Instead, explain to the child the different possible outcomes of her illness. Remember, children aren’t automatically afraid of death. They are more often curious about it. Now is a good opportunity to talk about death in general and the natural lifecycles of all living things.

Allow Children to be Children

Although a serious illness is influencing the child’s life, he still has the same needs as other kids-needs for friends, for play, for school etc. Even very ill children can often participate in some form of play, including board games, puzzles or video games.

Peer relationships are very important to children, and the illness will likely create some social and physical barriers to these friendships. As an adult, you can see that friendships continue to be nurtured. Arrange a special party for the sick child. Make play dates with the child’s one or two best friends. Help the children write letters back and forth when contact isn’t possible.

Embrace Your Spirituality

A Final Word

All children, seriously ill or not, have the right to be nurtured, to be children and to make choices that impact their lives. There is nothing more difficult for families than confronting the serious illness and potential death of a child. As caring adults, we have responsibility to maximize the quality of life for the child, the family and friends.Â I hope the information in this brochure will help you put your love into action.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping Yourself Heal When Someone Dies

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Someone You Love Has Died

You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death and the person who has died. It is an essential part of healing. You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful, overwhelming, and sometimes lonely. This article provides practical suggestions to help you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.

Realize Your Grief is Unique

Talk About Your Grief

Express your grief openly. By sharing your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won’t make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn’t mean you are losing control, or going “crazy.” It is a normal part of your grief journey.

Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging. Seek out those persons who will walk with, not in front of, or behind you in your journey through grief. Avoid persons who are critical or who try to steal your grief from you. They may tell you, “keep your chin up,” or “carry on,” or “be happy.” While these comments may be well-intended, you do not have to accept them. You have a right to express your grief; no one has the right to take it away.

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions

Experiencing loss affects your head, heart, and spirit. So you may experience a variety of emotions as part of your grief work. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief, or explosive emotions are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

As strange as some of these emotions may seem they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don’t be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

Allow for Numbness

Feeling dazed or numb when someone dies is often part of your early grief experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don’t want to believe.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low-energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn’t mean feeling sorry for yourself it means you are using survival skills.

Develop a Support System

Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings — both happy and sad.

Make Use of Ritual

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. Most importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself. If you eliminate this ritual, you often set yourself up to repress your feelings, and you cheat everyone who cares of a chance to pay tribute to someone who was, and always will be, loved.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of someone you loved, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

Allow a Search for Meaning

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he die? Why this day? Why now?” This search for meaning is often another normal part of the healing process. Some questions have answers. Some do not. Actually, the healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily in answering them. Find a supportive friend who will listen responsively as you search for meaning.

Treasure Your Memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies. Treasure them. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life.

Move Toward Your Grief and Heal

The capacity to love requires the necessity to grieve when someone loved dies. You cannot heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. It’s not that you won’t be happy again. It’s simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the death.

The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life.

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart (book)

Helping Create a Meaningful Eulogy

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Planning a meaningful, personalized funeral is one of the most important tasks you will ever undertake. Think of the funeral as a gift to the person who died. It is your chance to think about and express the value of the life that was lived.

When personalized, the eulogy (pronounced EWE-luh-jee) is perhaps the most memorable and healing element of the funeral ceremony. This article will help you choose the right person to give the eulogy as well as offer tips for writing and presenting the eulogy.

What is the eulogy?

Also called the remembrance, the eulogy is the speech or presentation during the funeral ceremony that talks about the life and character of the person who died. The eulogy acknowledges the unique life of the person who died and affirms the significance of that life for all who shared in it. The eulogy typically lasts 15-20 minutes, although longer presentations may also be appropriate.

Who presents the eulogy?

The eulogy can be delivered by a clergyperson, a family member or a friend of the person who died. Instead of a traditional eulogy delivered by one person, you may choose to ask several people to speak and share their memories. There is also a growing trend toward having people attending the funeral stand up and share a memory of the person who died. This works well, especially at smaller or less formal gatherings.

What if the person presenting the eulogy didn’t really know the person who died?

Keep in mind that the eulogy doesn’t have to be delivered by the person leading the service. Only if your clergy person or another person facilitating the ceremony knows your family well and can speak personally about the person who died is this appropriate. If the clergyperson didn’t know the person who died, it’s much more meaningful to have a family member or friend give the eulogy. Or you might ask several people to speak.

If your family would feel comforted by a religious sermon during the ceremony, ask a clergyperson to give one. Just be sure to have someone else (or several people) deliver a personalized eulogy in addition to the sermon.

If you must choose someone who didn’t know the person who died well, make an effort to share with him or her anecdotes and memories that are important to you. Ask yourself, “What stands out to me about this person’s life?” “What are some special memories I’d like to share?” “What were some times I felt particularly close to this person?” “What were some admirable qualities about this person?”

What should be said during the eulogy?

We have already emphasized that the best eulogies are personalized. They include memories and anecdotes of the person’s life. They also try to capture personality. If the person who died was kind, the eulogy would give examples of this kindness. If the person who died had a good sense of humor, the eulogy might relate funny stories or expressions.

The eulogy doesn’t have to cover every aspect of the person’s life, however. In fact, often the best eulogies are those that focus on the eulogy-giver’s personal thoughts and memories. Do try to acknowledge those who were closest to the person who died as well as important achievements in the person’s life, but don’t feel obligated to create an exhaustive biography.

Also keep in mind that the word eulogy comes from the Greek eulogia, meaning praise or blessing. This is the time to give thanks for a person’s life and to honor his or her memory. This is not the time to bring up painful or difficult memories but to emphasize the good we can find in all people.

Some tips for eulogy-givers

Writing and delivering a eulogy is a loving, important gesture that merits your time and attention. Though the task may seem daunting right now, you’ll find that once you start jotting down ideas, your eulogy will come together naturally. Afterwards, many who attend the funeral will thank you for your contribution, and your eulogy will be cherished always by the family and friends of the person who died.

Here are some ideas to get you started.

Be brave. The thought of writing a speech and presenting it in public makes many people anxious. Set aside your fears for now. You can do this. Focus on the person who died and the gift you will be giving to all who knew and loved him or her.
Think. Before you start writing, go for a long walk or drive and think about the life of the person who died. This will help you collect your thoughts and focus on writing the eulogy.
Brainstorm. Spend half an hour (longer if you want) writing down all the thoughts, ideas and memories that come to you.
Ask others to share memories. A good way to include others in the ceremony is to ask them to share thoughts and memories, which you can then incorporate into the eulogy.
Look at photos. Flipping through photo albums may remind you of important qualities and memories of the person who died.
Write a draft. Once you’ve brainstormed and collected memories, it’s time to write the first draft. Go somewhere quiet and write it all in one sitting, start to finish. Don’t worry about getting it perfect for now-just get it down on paper.
Let it sit. If time allows, let your eulogy draft sit for a few hours or a day before revising.
Get a second opinion. Have someone else-preferably someone who was close to the person who died-read over your draft at this point. This person can make revision suggestions and help you avoid inadvertently saying something that might offend others.
Polish. Read over your first draft. Look for awkward phrases or stiff wording. Improve the transitions from paragraph to paragraph or thought to thought. Find adjectives and verbs that really capture the essence of the person who died.
Present your eulogy with love. Now you need to present your eulogy. You may feel nervous, but if you can keep your focus on the person who died instead of your own fears, you’ll loosen up. If you break down as you’re talking, that’s OK. Everyone will understand. Just stop for a few seconds, collect yourself and continue.
Speak up. It’s very important that you speak clearly and loudly so that everyone can hear you.

A Final Word

Again, the word eulogy means “praise or blessing.” Your willingness to help create a personalized, meaningful eulogy is, in fact, a very real blessing.

Related Resources

Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies: A Guide for Families (book)

Helping Yourself Live When You Are Dying

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

You have learned that you are dying. Terminal illness presents human beings with an exceedingly difficult and contradictory challenge: you are dying, you know you are dying, yet it is your nature to want to live. The thoughts in this article are intended to help you deal with this tension and to continue to live even though you are dying.

Acknowledging You Are Dying

Acknowledging you are dying is the first step to living the rest of your life. If the onset of your illness was sudden or unexpected, you will likely feel shock and numbness at first. This is a natural and necessary response to painful news.

You can only cope with this new reality in doses. You will first come to understand it in your head, and only over time will you come to understand it with your heart.

To acknowledge you are dying is to let go of the future. It is to live only in the present. There is no easy way to do this, and you will probably struggle with this task every day until you die. Know that if you work at acknowledging the reality of your coming death, however, instead of denying it, you will open your heart and mind to the possibility of a new, rich way of living.

Questioning the Meaning of Life

Discovering that you are dying naturally makes you take inventory of your life. You have a right to have questions, fears and hopes. Illness establishes new directions and often causes some questioning of old directions. New thoughts, feelings and action patterns will emerge. The unknown invites you to question and search for the meaning of your life, in the past, present and future.

Accept Your Response to the Illness

Each person responds to news of terminal illness in his or her unique way. You, too, will have your own response, be it fear, excitement, anger, loss, grief, denial, hope or any combination of emotions. Becoming aware of how you respond right now is to discover how you will live with your terminal illness. Don’t let others prescribe how you feel; find people who encourage you to teach them how you feel. After all, there is no right or wrong way for you to think and feel.

Respect Your Own Need for Talk, for Silence

You may find that you don’t want to talk about your illness at all. Or you may find that you want to talk about it with some people, but not with others. In general, open and honest communication is a good idea. When you make your thoughts and feelings known, you are more likely to receive the kind of care and companionship you feel will be most helpful to you.

But if you don’t want to talk about your illness, don’t force yourself. Perhaps you will be able to open up more later on, after you have lived with the reality of your illness for a time.

Telling Your Family and Friends You Are Dying

Your family and closest friends deserve to know that you are dying. Tell them when you feel able to. If you simply cannot bring yourself to tell them, find a compassionate person with whom you can entrust this important task.

Be aware that everyone will react differently to your news, just as each terminally ill person reacts differently to his or her own illness. Many will be shocked. Many will cry. Some will refuse to believe it. Some will spring into helpful action by running errands for you, offering to clean your house, etc.

Many will not know how to respond. Because they don’t know what to say or do, or because your illness may arouse their own fears of mortality, they may even avoid you altogether. Know that their apparent abandonment does not mean they don’t love you.

Even children deserve to be told. As with all people, children can cope with what they know. They cannot cope with what they don’t know. Be honest with them as you explain the situation in language they will understand.Â Don’t overexplain, but do answer any questions they may have.

Be an Active Participant in your Medical Care

Many people are taught as ‘patients’ to be passive recipients of the care provided by medical experts. But don’t forget-this is your body, your life. Don’t fail to ask questions that are important to your emotional and physical well-being out of fear that you will be ‘taking up someone’s time.’

Learn about your illness. Visit your local library and consult the medical reference books. Request information from educational associations, such as the National Cancer Institute or the American Heart Association. Ask your doctor, nurses and other caregivers whenever you have a question.

If you educate yourself about the illness and its probable course, you will better understand what is happening to you. You will be better equipped to advocate for personalized, compassionate care. You may not be in control of your illness, but you can and should be in control of your care.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your illness will almost surely leave you feeling fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get enough rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.

Say Goodbye

Knowing you will die offers you a special privilege: the privilege to say goodbye to those you love. When you feel you are ready, consider how you will say goodbye. You might set aside a time to talk to each person individually. Or, if you are physically up for it, you might have a gathering for friends and family. Other ways of saying goodbye include writing letters, creating videotapes and passing along keepsakes.

Whatever their forms, your survivors will cherish forever your heartfelt goodbyes.

Find Hope

When people are seriously ill, we tend to get caught up in statistics and averages: How soon will the illness progress? How long do I have left? These can be helpful to know, but they don’t always provide spiritual and emotional comfort.

Even if you are certain to die from this illness, you can find hope in your tomorrows, your next visit from someone loved, your spirituality. At bottom, hope means finding meaning in life-whether that life will last five more days, five more months or five more years.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. You may find comfort and hope in reading spiritual texts, attending religious services or praying. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of your illness, realize that this is a normal and natural response. Find someone to talk to who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

Reach Out for Support

Many of us grew up believing, ‘Do it on your own so you don’t have to depend on anyone else.’ But confronting a terminal illness cannot and should not be done alone. As difficult as it may be for you, you must reach out to your fellow human beings. Most of us know who we feel comfortable turning to when we are under stress. Whom do you turn to? Give yourself permission to reach out for prayers, support and practical assistance.

Hospices are an indispensable resource for you. They are well-staffed and trained to help both the dying person and the dying person’s family. Their mission is to help the dying die with comfort, dignity and love, and to help survivors cope both before and after the death. They often offer support groups for people with life-threatening illness. You might also consider seeing a counselor one-on-one.

Whatever you do, don’t isolate yourself and withdraw from people who love you.

About the Author

Growing Through Grief:

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

The Role Of Support Groups

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

We need not walk alone…
We reach out to each other with love and
understanding and with hope…
We come together from all walks of life,
from many different circumstances…
We need not walk alone

Credo, The Compassionate Friends

Editor’s note: The following article is excerpted from Dr. Wolfelt’s book How to Start and Lead a Bereavement Support Group, available from Companion Press.

There is a growing realization among those who care for the bereaved that support groups are an appropriate and effective way to help bereaved people heal. Because they offer a safe place for people to do the work of mourning, support groups encourage members to reconcile their losses and go on to find continued meaning in life and living. Attending a support group facilitated by skilled leaders often brings comfort and understanding beyond many peoples’ expectations.

Support groups help bereaved people by:

countering the sense of isolation that many experience in our shame-based, mourning-avoiding culture.
providing emotional, physical, and spiritual support in a safe, nonjudgmental environment.
allowing them to explore their many thoughts and feelings about grief in a way that helps them be compassionate with themselves.
encouraging members to not only receive support and understanding for themselves but also to provide the same to others.
offering opportunities to learn new ways of approaching problems (e.g. the friend or in-law who lacks an understanding of the need to mourn and pushes you to “return to normal”).
helping them trust their fellow human beings again in what for many in grief feels like an unsafe, uncaring world.
providing a supportive environment that can reawaken their zest for life.

In short, as group members give and receive help, they feel less helpless and are able to discover continued meaning in life. Feeling understood by others brings down barriers between the bereaved person and the world outside. This process of being understood is central to being compassionate with oneself as a bereaved person. The more people are compassionate to the bereaved from the outside in, the more the bereaved are capable of being self-compassionate from the inside out.

Our mourning-avoiding culture often forces bereaved people to withdraw from insensitive friends and family or to adopt ways of avoiding the painful, but necessary work of mourning; support groups, which instead foster the experience of trusting and being trusted, can do wonders in meeting the needs of bereaved people. In an effective bereavement support group, members can achieve a balance between giving and receiving, between independence and an appropriate, self-sustaining dependence. The group provides a safe harbor where hurting people can pull in, anchor while the wind still blows them around, and search for safe ground on which to go on living. As a potential leader of such a group, you have the honor of accompanying people during this time.

Before we go on to explore the specifics of running a bereavement support group, though, I would like to further define what I mean by growing through grief.

Growth means encountering pain

The death of someone loved naturally brings about emotional, physical, and spiritual pain for us as human beings. Forums such as support groups provide us with a safe place where we can embrace our pain in “doses.” Encountering the pain of the loss all at once would overwhelm us and leave us defenseless. Sometimes bereaved people need to distract themselves from the pain of the loss, while at other times they need a “safe harbor” to pull into and embrace the depth of the loss.

Growth means change

My experience has taught me that we as human beings are forever changed by the death of someone in our lives. To “resolve” your own or someone else’s grief often denotes a return to a homeostasis (inner balance) that was present prior to the death. I believe this model of care is inadequate and often damaging to bereaved people of all ages.

A “return to inner balance” doesn’t reflect how I, or the people who have taught me about their grief journeys, are forever changed by the experience of bereavement. In using the word growth, I acknowledge the changes that mourning brings about.

Growth means a new inner balance with no end points

While the bereaved person may do the work of mourning to recapture in part some sense of inner balance, it is a new inner balance. My hope is that the term growth reflects the active, ongoing process of mourning.

Growth means exploring our assumptions about life

The encounter with grief reawakens us to the importance of utilizing our potentials. The concept of potential in this context could be defined as our capacity to mourn our losses openly and without shame, to be interpersonally effective in our relationships with others, and to continue to discover fulfillment in life, living and loving. Loss often serves as a catalyst to becoming more of what we can be instead of staying exactly what and where we are. Loss seems to educate the potential within. Then, it becomes up to us as human beings to embrace and creatively express this potential. Growth is about not settling for homeostasis, but looking for and seeking out how we are changed by this death. Growth means discovering our gifts, our potentials, and using them to bring meaning to the lives of others.

Related Resources

The Understanding Your Grief Support Group Guide-Starting and Leading a Bereavement Support Group (book)

Helping a Friend Who Is Seriously Ill

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A friend is seriously ill. You want to help, but you are not sure how to go about it. This article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into positive actions.

Give the Gift of Presence

Perhaps the greatest gift you can give your seriously ill friend is the gift of your presence. Particularly if you live nearby, you have the opportunity to demonstrate your support by being there, literally, when your friend needs you most. Visit your friend at the hospital or at home-not just once, but throughout the course of the illness. Rent a movie and bring popcorn. Play cards or Monopoly. Sit with her and watch the snow fall. Your simple presence will say to your friend, “I am willing to walk this difficult road with you and face with you whatever comes.”

Do respect your friend’s need for alone time, though, and realize that her treatment may zap her energy. She may not be up for company all the time.

Be a Good Listener

Your friend may want to openly discuss his illness, or he may avoid discussing it. The key is to follow your friend’s lead. Keep in mind that your friend will experience this illness in his own unique way.

Allow your friend to talk about his illness at his own pace. And while you can be a “safe harbor” for your friend to explain his thoughts and feelings, don’t force the situation if your ill friend resists.

If you can listen well, you can help your friend cope during this difficult time. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools. Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on listening to the words your friend is sharing with you.

Learn About Your Friend’s Illness

“People can cope with what they know, but they cannot cope with what they don’t know,” I often say. You will be better equipped to help your friend if you take it upon yourself to learn about his illness. Visit your local library and consult the medical reference books. Request information from educational associations, such as the National Cancer Institute or the American Heart Association. With your friend’s consent, you might also talk to his physician.

If you educate yourself about the illness and its treatments, you will be a more understanding listener when he wants to talk. While you shouldn’t inappropriately intervene in his medical care, you might also be a more effective advocate.

Be Compassionate

Give your friend permission to express his or her feelings about the illness without fear of criticism. Learn from your friend; don’t instruct or set expectations about how he or she should respond. Think of yourself as someone who “walks with” not “behind” or “in front of” the person who is seriously ill.

Never say, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Comments like, “This is God’s will,” “Just be happy you are doing as well as you are” or “It could be worse” are not constructive. Instead, they hurt and make your friend’s experience with serious illness more difficult.

Offer Practical Help

Your sick friend will probably need help with the activities of daily living. Preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house or driving your friend to and from the hospital for treatment are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care.

Stay in Touch

If you are unable to visit your sick friend due to distance or other circumstances, write a note. What do you say? Tell your friend how much she means to you. Reminisce about some of the fun times you’ve shared. Promise you’ll write to her again soon-and then follow through on that promise. Avoid sending a generic greeting card unless you’ve personalized it with a heartfelt message.

If you’re not comfortable writing, consider sending video- or audio-taped “notes” to your friend. Or simpler yet, pick up the phone.

Get Support for Yourself

Someone you care deeply about is seriosly ill. Odds are you will need support, too, as you explore your own feelings about this illness and the changes you see in your friend. Find someone who will listen to you without judgment as you talk out your own feelings. And don’t forget to take good care of yourself. Eat nutritious meals. Get ample rest. Continue to exercise. Spend time doing things that make you happy.

Realize Your Own Limitations

Not everyone can offer ongoing, supportive friendship to someone who is seriously ill. If you feel you simply can’t cope with the situation, try to understand your reticence and learn from it. Ask yourself, “Why am I so uncomfortable with this?” and “What can I do to become a more open, compassionate friend in times of need?”

Do not, however, avoid your friend altogether. People with serious illnesses are often abandoned by friends and family, leaving them lonely and depressed. Phone rather than visit. Write if you can’t bring yourself to phone. Let your friend know that this situation is difficult for you while at the same time acknowledging that your friend’s fears and needs come first.

On the other end of the helping spectrum, don’t become obsessed with your friend’s illness or feel that you must be her only means of support. Do not emotionally overburden yourself.

Embrace Your Own Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you during this difficult time. Pray for your friend and your friend’s family if prayer is meaningful to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of your friend’s illness, that’s OK. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

A Final Word

Your friend needs you now more than ever. At a time when words are inadequate, offer your presence whenever you can. I use three phrases to remind myself of my role as a caring, compassionate friend: Mouth closed. Ears open. Presence available.

About the Author

Helping a Homicide Survivor Heal

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A friend has experienced the sudden, violent death of someone they love. You want to help, but aren’t sure how to go about it. This article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into positive actions.

Traumatic and Violent Death

Death by homicide creates overwhelming grief for survivors. Their world has been turned upside down. Nothing in life prepares survivors for the reality that someone they love has died a violent death.

Murder results in survivors grieving not only the death, but how the person died. A life has been cut short through an act of cruelty. The disregard for human life adds overwhelming feelings of turmoil, distrust, injustice and helplessness to normal sense of loss and sorrow.

Murder and Social Stigma

Survivors of murder victims enter into a world that is not understood by most people. A sad reality is that members of a community where a tragic murder has occurred sometimes blame the victim or survivors. Out of a need to protect themselves from their own personal feelings of vulnerability, some people reason that what has happened has to be somebody’s fault. This need to “place blame” is projected in an effort to fight off any thoughts that such a tragedy would ever happen to them.

As a result of this fear and misunderstanding, survivors of homicide deaths are often left feeling abandoned at a time when they desperately need unconditional support and understanding. Without a doubt, homicide survivors suffer in a variety of ways: one, because they need to mourn the loss of someone who has died; two, because they have experienced a sudden, traumatic death; and three, because they are often shunned by a society unwilling to enter into the pain of their grief.

Allow For Numbness

Feeling dazed or numb is a good thing for your friend. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives emotions time to catch up with what the mind has been told. Nothing in one’s coping mechanisms prepares survivors for this kind of trauma. Shock is like an anesthetic-it helps create insulation from the reality of the death until your friend is more able to tolerate what he or she doesn’t want to believe.

Don’t assume your friend is “being strong and taking it well” when he or she is really in shock. They may appear strong, but early on in grief, their appearance reflects their numbness and disbelief. However, they need you now, and will particularly need you when the shock begins to wear off and reality sets in. Let your friend move at his or her own pace. It is damaging to try to push someone through shock and numbness. By “walking with” your friend at his or her own pace, you are giving one of life’s most precious gifts-yourself.

Accept the Intensity of the Grief

Grief following a murder is always complex. Survivors don’t “get over it.” Instead, with support and understanding they can come to reconcile themselves to its reality. Don’t be surprised by the intensity of their feelings. In light of what has happened, it is only natural that they are in pain. Accept that survivors may be struggling with a multitude of emotions more intense then those experienced after other types of death. Confusion, disorganization, fear, vulnerability, guilt or anger are just a few of the emotions survivors may feel.

Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously. And don’t be surprised if out of nowhere your friend suddenly experiences surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave them feeling overwhelmed. Be patient, compassionate and understanding.

Don’t Be Frightened by Rage

Anger and rage responses might make you-a helping friend-feel helpless. For survivors, the sense of injustice about the nature of the death turns the normal anger of grief into rage. Remember-anger is not right or wrong, good or bad, appropriate or not appropriate. In fact, rage often relates to a desire to restore things to the way they were before the death. The person to be most concerned about is probably the one who doesn’t experience rage.

The anger and rage may be directed at the murderer, at God, you, or even at the person who was killed. Your friend may even be frightened by the intensity of his or her own rage. Be willing to listen to what your friend feels without judging him or her. And do not try to diminish the anger, for it is in expressing rage that it begins to lose some of its power. Ultimately, healthy grief requires that these explosive emotions be expressed, not repressed.

Feeling Anxious and Fearful is Normal

Feelings of anxiety, panic, and fear are normal after a murder. Threats to one’s feelings of security naturally brings about these emotions. The world no longer feels as safe as it once did.

Fear of what the future holds, fear that more murders might occur, an increased awareness of one’s own mortality, feelings of vulnerability about being able to survive without the person, an inability to concentrate and emotional and physical fatigue all serve to heighten anxiety, panic and fear. Your grieving friend may feel overwhelmed by everyday problems and concerns. Your awareness of these common fears can help you anticipate some of what your friend might talk about with you.

Understand the Need to Ask “Why?”

The unanswerable question, “But, why?” naturally comes up for survivors of a traumatic, violent death. Your friend is searching to understand how something like this could happen. Understand that this is a normal question to ask in a very abnormal situation.

Your friend probably doesn’t want you to try to answer the “why?” question. He or she often realizes there is no rational explanation for the murder, yet still needs to ask the question. While you can’t provide explanations for what happened, you can stand beside your friend as he or she searches for meaning.

Be Compassionate

Allow your friend to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain that he or she is feeling at the time. Enter into your friend’s feelings, but never try to take them away. And recognize tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with the death.

Avoid Clichés

Clichés, though they are often intended to diminish the pain of loss, can actually cause more pain for a grieving friend. Comments like “You are holding up so well,” “Time will heal all wounds,” or “Think of all you still have to be thankful for” are not constructive. Instead, they hurt and make a friend’s journey through grief more difficult.

Listen to Questions About Faith

If you allow them, homicide survivors will “teach” you about their feelings regarding faith and spirituality. Many survivors will express doubt about beliefs they held before the murder. If they cannot doubt, their faith will have little meaning. Whatever you do, don’t tell your friend that the murder was “God’s will.”

Also, don’t tell your friend to forgive the murderer. No matter their spiritual convictions, survivors of homicide should not be made to feel obligated to forgive someone who killed their loved one. Don’t push your friend to forgive simply to satisfy your needs.

Be Aware of Support Groups

Support groups are one of the best ways to help survivors of traumatic deaths. In a group, survivors can connect with other people who share their experience. They are allowed and encouraged to tell their stories as much, and as often, as they like.

Do be aware that you should not push survivors to attend a group if they are not ready. We know that if they find a group unhelpful because they aren’t ready to share their grief in this way, they may be hesitant to make use of the group later, when it could help them very much.

Also, some survivors find support groups helpful and some don’t. For those who want to participate in a support group, you may be able to help them find one. This practical effort on your part will be appreciated.

Work Together as Helpers

Remember that the murder of someone loved is a shattering experience. As a result of this death, your friend’s life is under reconstruction. He or she will need to talk about it for years to come. Be the person who will encourage and allow your friend to share feelings about the homicide after other listeners have moved on.

Use the name of the person who was killed when you talk to your friend. Hearing the name can be comforting, and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important person who was so much a part of your friend’s life.

To experience grief is the result of having loved. Homicide survivors must be guaranteed this privilege. While the guidelines in this article may help, it is important to recognize that helping a homicide survivor heal will not be an easy task. You may have to give more concern, time, and love than you ever knew you had. But this helping effort will be more than worth it.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping a Grieving Friend in the Workplace

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

How Can You Help?

A friend or acquaintance in your workplace has experienced the death of someone loved. You want to help, but you are not sure how to go about it. This article will help you turn your cares and concerns into positive action.

You Have An Important Role

Your support of a fellow employee can make a real difference in how he survives right now. Being present to a co-worker in grief means you are giving one of life’s most precious gifts-yourself. Do not underestimate how your efforts to help can make a real difference for him. Your supportive presence, particularly when he is just returning to work and in the weeks and months ahead, can make an important difference in how your coworker heals.

Attending the Funeral

Even if you didn’t know the person who died, if the funeral will be local and especially if the person who died was a member of your co-worker’s immediate family, it is very appropriate for you to attend the funeral. After all, funerals are for the living, and right now your co-worker needs all the support she can get. She will appreciate your presence and acknowledgment of the loss.

Understanding Your Co-Worker’s Journey

Your coworker is faced with an overwhelming journey. While the need to mourn is normal and necessary, it is often frightening, painful, and lonely. Your coworker will not function “normally” in the workplace. Be sensitive and realize that she will have difficulty with attention, concentration, memory and lack of motivation.

Try to be patient and help out whenever you can. Increasing your knowledge about the experience of grief will help you better understand what your coworker is encountering.

Make Contact

Reach out to your coworker in grief. Do not anticipate that she will be able to reach out to you. Let her know that you are aware of her loss and that you are thinking about her. It can be very appropriate to say, “I’m sorry that your mother died, and I want you to know that I’m thinking of you.” This lets your co-worker know that you are available to listen and can be sensitive to her feelings of sadness and loss. A touch of your hand, a look in your eye, or even a hug often communicates more than any words could ever say. If you personally don’t know the coworker very well, join with others in sending flowers or a sympathy card.

Listen With Your Heart

If your coworker wants to talk about his grief, LISTEN. While the workplace cannot become a counseling center, listening is a small but important gift you can give. Your physical presence and commitment to listen without judging are critical helping tools.

Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on listening to the words that are being shared with you. Your co-worker may relate the same story about the death over and over again. Listen patiently. Realize that “telling the story” is how healing occurs.

Avoid Clichés

Words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful mourners. Clichés are trite comments often intended to provide simple solutions to difficult realities. Mourners are often told, “God only challenges people with what they can handle” or “Time heals all wounds” or â€œThink of all you still have to be thankful for.” Comments like these are not constructive. Instead, they hurt because they diminish the very real and very painful loss of a unique person.

Realize That ‘Griefbursts’ Will Occur

Sometimes heightened periods of sadness will overwhelm the grieving person at work. These times can come out of nowhere. Sometimes all it takes to bring on a griefburst is a familiar sound, a smell, a phrase. While you may feel helpless, allow your co-worker to feel the sorrow and hurt. And realize tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with death.

Don’t Be Judgmental

Some people return to work after the death of someone loved and act as if “everything is OK.” Don’t judge your coworker who returns to work quickly. Sometimes, the routine of the workplace provides comfort and support. However, do stay available should she want to share her grief at a later time.

Activate Support Systems

If appropriate, mention your co-worker’s loss and need for compassionate support to other coworkers who can offer help. The entire staff might benefit from an in-service that sensitizes then to the grief journey and how they can help support their coworker.

If You Are A Supervisor

Be careful about assigning new tasks or responsibilities right now. Flexible personnel policies will help the grieving worker survive during this naturally painful time. If you have an employee assistance program, be certain the employee is made aware of its availability.

Our society in general doesn’t always respond well to people in grief; the workplace can be even worse. You can help by acting as your grieving employee’s advocate if he needs extra time off or other special assistance. It’s the right thing to do. Besides, if the employee isn’t allowed to first attend to his grief, he may not be able to effectively attend to his work.

If The Person Who Died Was A Coworker

When someone you have worked with dies, you will be faced with grief yourself. You may find yourself thinking about him all the time. You may feel guilty, as if you could have prevented the death somehow. You may feel angry, especially if the death was sudden or untimely. You may feel vulnerable, frightened or depressed.

All of these grief feelings are normal and necessary. Find someone you can talk to, perhaps another co-worker who is experiencing the same feelings. Talk openly with family members and friends about your co-workers death.

Understanding The Significance Of The Loss

As a result of the death, your coworker’s like is under reconstruction. Keep in mind that grief is unique. No two people respond to death in exactly the same say. Be patient. Don’t force a specific timetable for healing. Be gentle, sensitive, and compassionate in all of your helping efforts.

“Grief is a long, painful journey. As the friend of a grieving co-worker, you can choose to help make the journey more tolerable. Tell your co-worker how sorry you are and listen if she wants to talk. Be available to her in the difficult weeks and months ahead. Your support will help her more than you can imagine.”

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

About the Author

The Spiritual Path to Healing: Mourning Ideas, Part 3

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Sit in Silence and Solitude

The mystery of grief invites you to honor the need for periods of silence and solitude. As you quiet yourself, you sustain an open heart and a gentle spirit. Mother Teresa often said, “The beginning of prayer is silence.”
You may not have access to a cloistered monastery, a walk in the woods, or a stroll on the beach, but you do have the capacity to quiet yourself. Consciously hush yourself and place trust in the peace you help initiate. As you sit with silence, you acknowledge that you value the need to suspend, slow down, and turn inward as part of the grief journey. Giving attention to the instinct to mourn from the inside out requires that you befriend silence and respect how vital it is to your healing journey.
Many of the symptoms of grief are invitations to the need for silence as solitude. Disorganization, confusion, searching and yearning and the lethargy of grief try to slow you down and invite a need for you to savor silence. Yes, astutely observed, “For many afflictions, silence is the best remedy.”
Silence contains the ingredients that can bring some peace in the midst of the wilderness. The forces of grief weigh heavy on your heart. Silence serves to life up your heart and create much-needed space to give attention to your grief. Being in silence helps restore our energy and inspires courage to explore how you are forever transformed by your grief.

Carpe Diem:
Today, be silent for a whileâ€”silent with yourself and with God. For many people, this is a difficult spiritual practice, but one that is well worth the effort.

Write a Poem

Poetry is the music of language. It is sound and imagery and rhythm delivered in little packets.
Poetry compresses great meaning into a few carefully chosen words, and as such, it can be very emotional and spiritual.
You can write a poem if you try. It doesn’t need to follow any particular rules. It doesn’t need to rhyme or have a certain meter. It can be and say anything you’d like.
An elegy is a poem that remembers someone who has died. Perhaps you would like to write an elegy in memory of someone you love and miss very much.

Carpe Diem:
Write a poem to God today that expresses what you’re thinking and feeling right now.

Spend Time in “Thin Places.”

In the Celtic tradition, “thin places” are spots where the separation between the physical world and the spiritual world seem tenuous. They are places where the veil between Heaven and earth, between the holy and the everyday, are so thin that when we are near them, we intuitively sense the timeless, boundless spiritual world.
There is a Celtic saying that heaven and earth are only three feet apart, but in the thin places that distance is even smaller.
Thin places are usually outdoors, often where water an land meet or land and sky come together. You might find thin places on a riverbank, a beach, or a mountaintop.
Go to a thin place to pray, to walk, or to simply sit in the presence of the holy.

Carpe Diem:
Your thin places are anywhere that fills you with awe and a sense of wonder. They are spots that refresh your spirit and make you feel closer to God. Go to a thin place today and sit in contemplative silence.

Just Be.

You may have heard it said that there is no past, there is no future, there is only this moment.
In The Power of Now , Eckhart Tollé encourages us to truly be present in the current moment. “Life is now,” he writes. “There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be… Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.”
The challenge is that it is really hard to live in the moment. Our minds constantly revisit the past and think forward to the future. Our egos dwell on what was and what will be.
Tollé and others believe that your mind is different from your spirit. Your mind is the house of the ego; your soul is the house of the spirit. Your spirit-your essence-can observe the egoic antics of the mind. Your ego is earthbound; your spirit is timeless.
The next time your mind takes you away from the present and into worry and fear, allow your spirit to watch your mind and smile at its earthly obsessions.

Carpe Diem:
Attend to the now. Drop everything and just be for five minutes. When your monkey mind starts to chatter, silence it by repeating the mantra om .

Companioning the Bereaved:

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

An Introduction

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Editor’s note: The following article is excerpted from Dr. Wolfelt’s book Companioning the Bereaved: A Soulful Guide for Caregivers, which presents a model for grief counseling based on his “companioning” principles. Companioning is not about assessing, analyzing, fixing or resolving another’s grief. Instead, it is about being totally present to the mourner, even being a temporary guardian of his soul. To order this book or for more information, visit www.centerforloss.com .

At the very heart of grief lies an irreducible mystery. I have come to discover that grief is a dimension of life experience that cannot be approached through rational thought. Instead, it responds more appropriately to humbled souls. In this spirit, I invite you to open your heart to what follows.

My tenets of “companioning” the bereaved were written several years ago as I sat in a gazebo on the sacred grounds of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Since that time of grace in my life, which encouraged me to try to express in words what I do when I “companion” people in grief, I’ve been honored that many people have encouraged me to teach more about these tenets. I’ve written the following words with a humbled heart and a desire to help people help others during time of grief and loss.

I am very honored that there is now an international network of thousands of people who have trained with me surrounding the companioning philosophy of caregiving to people in grief. Yet, there seems to be a place for this book in that many of my colleagues have either had to imagine, question, project, and, honestly, at times even judge what I do. In part this book is a “coming out of the closet” as a “responsible rebel.”

A responsible rebel is one who questions assumptive models surrounding grief and loss and challenges those very models. Rebels are not afraid to question established structures and forms. At the same time, rebels respect the rights of others to use different models of understanding, and provide leadership in ways that empower people rather than diminish them.

Why A “Soulful” Guide?

When people have come to me for support in grief, the soul is present. When they try as best they can to wrap words around their grief, trusting me with their vulnerability, I know we are meeting at a soul level. To look into the eyes of someone mourning the death of someone precious is to look into the window of the soul.

Their willingness to allow me to walk with and learn from them has been an education of the heart and soul. “Soul” is discovered in the quality of what I’m experiencing when I’m honored to be present to them. If my intent is anchored in truth and integrity, if they are discovering a reason to go on living (redefining their worldview and searching for meaning), then they are rich in soul, and so am I. Therefore, for me, companioning another human being in grief means giving attention to those experiences that give my life, and the lives of those I attempt to help, a richness and depth of meaning.

Soul really has to do with a sense of the heart being touched by feelings. An open heart that is grieving is a “well of reception;” it is moved entirely by what it has perceived. Soul also has to do with the overall journey of life as a story, as a representation of deep inner meaning. Soul is not a thing, but a dimension of experiencing life and living. I see soul as the primary essence of our true nature, our spirit self, or our life force.

Being soulful as it relates to companioning people in grief is, in part, to acknowledge a need for people to have “safe places” to authentically mourn. Then, in order to respond to that need, it is to go within yourself and nurture and develop your soul in ways that give expression to your compassion. My hope is that this book helps you do just that!

Grief is Not an Illness: Inappropriate Assumptions Surrounding Our Modern Understanding of Grief and Loss

As a teenager who had come to experience my own life losses, I set out to discover the principles that help bereaved people heal in grief. I hoped to communicate those principles to anyone interested in honoring my story. To my dismay, I discovered that the majority of caregiving models for grief counselors were intertwined with the medical model of mental health care.

For many caregivers, grief in contemporary society has been medicalized and perceived as if were an illness that with proper assessment, diagnosis, and treatment can be cured. This paradigm dictates that we as caregivers, having studied and absorbed a body of knowledge and become experts, are responsible for “curing” our patients. How arrogant!

The language we use to describe the practice of grief support exposes our attitudes and beliefs about counseling as well as determines our practices. Because numerous historical roots of psychotherapy are deeply grounded in a medical model, because the medical model appears more scientific than other alternatives, and because the economics of practice are interfaced in a healthcare delivery system, the natural tendency has been to adopt medical model language.

As I explored the words used in counseling the bereaved, I was taken aback: symptoms of pathology; disorders; diagnosis; and treatments. In my own search to learn so I could teach, I found that these more clinical, medical model approaches have limitations that are profound and far-reaching.

I discovered that our modern understanding of grief all too often projects that for “successful” mourning to take place, the person must “disengage from the deceased” and, by all means “let go.” We even have all sorts of books full of techniques on how to help others “let go” or reach “closure.”

At bottom, I discovered that our current models desperately needed what we could refer to as a “supplement of the soul.” It seemed glaringly obvious to me that as fellow travelers in the journey into grief, we needed more life-giving, hope-filled models that incorporated not only the mind and body, but the soul and the spirit! I found myself resonating more with the writings of people like Ram Das, Stephen Levine, Victor Frankl, James Hillman, Thomas Moore and Carl Jung.

Actually it was Carl Jung’s writing that helped me understand that every psychological struggle is ultimately a matter of spirituality. In the end, as we as human beings mourn, we must discover meaning to go on living our tomorrows without the physical presence of someone we have loved. Death and grief are spiritual journeys of the heart and soul.

Yet, our modern Western culture’s understanding of grief often urges mourners to deny any form of continued relationship with the person who died. For many mental health caregivers, the hallmark of so-called “pathology” has been rooted in terms of sustaining a relationship to the dead. In reality, the mourner actively shifts the relationship from one of presence to one of memory. Or, as the playwright Robert Anderson wisely noted, “Death ends a life; it does not end a relationship.” In contrast, many other cultures throughout history have encouraged ongoing, interdependent relationships in some form after death. Beyond this recognition of a continued relationship of memory, most cultures provide bereaved people with rituals to encourage an appropriate relationship of memory, such as Mexico’s “Day of the Dead.”

Our modern understanding of grief all to often conveys that the end result of bereavement is a series of completed tasks, extinguished pain, and the establishment of new relationships. I discovered that many mental health caregivers, in attempting to make a science of grief, had compartmentalized complex emotions with neat clinical labels.

Our modern understanding of grief all too often uses a “recovery” or “resolution” definition to suggest a return to “normalcy.” Recovery, as understood by some mourners and caregivers alike, is erroneously seen as an absolute, a perfect state of reestablishment. We seem to want to go around any so-called “negative” moods and emotions quickly and efficiently. Yet, it occurred to me that if our role as caregivers is to first observe the soul as it is, then we need to abolish what I call the “resolution wish.”

Our modern understanding of grief for some is based on the model of crisis theory that purports that a person’s life is in a state of homeostatic balance, then something comes along (like the death of someone loved) and knocks the person out of balance. Caregivers are taught intervention goals to reestablish the prior state of homeostasis and a return to “normal” functioning. There is only one major problem with this theory: it doesn’t work. Why? Because a person’s life is changed forever by the death of someone loved. We are transformed by grief and do not return to prior states of “normal” based on interventions by outside forces.

Our modern understanding of grief all too often “pathologizes” normal experiences. Traditional psychology has focused the majority of attention on the diagnosis and treatment of pathologies and in the quest for “fixes,” little attention has been paid to the nature of emotional or spiritual health. As one author observed, “The exclusive focus on pathology that has dominated so much of our discipline results in a model of the human being lacking the positive features that make life worth living.”

Our modern understanding of grief all too often privatizes grief as an isolated, individual experience. Mourning, by nature of its definition-“a shared social response to loss”-must be viewed in the broader context of social and family perspectives. In fact, the person often perceived as “not doing well” in grief is usually the one who is trying to get help for the family system.

In sum, I discovered in my twelve years of university-based training and in reading the available literature on grief counseling that our modern understanding of grief all too often lacks any appreciation for and attention to the spiritual, soul-based nature of the grief journey. As authors such as Frankl, Fromm, and Jung noted years ago (and Hillman and Moore more recently), academic psychology has been too interfaced with the natural sciences and laboratory methods of working, counting and objective reporting.

Some of us, often through no fault of our own, but perhaps by the contamination of our formal training, have overlooked the journey into grief as a soul-based journey. We need to think and reflect about grief care differently than we now do. Because while its mission in our society is certainly important, our current misunderstanding of what its essence misinforms our capacity to reflect on it wisely.

This book seeks to undermine those practices that oppress grieving persons and families and provide interested people with food for reflective thought surrounding the importance of questioning the traditional medical model of mental health care. More important, the content presents an alternative model based on “companioning” versus “treating” one’s fellow human beings in grief.

Critical self-observation would suggest that perhaps we rely too much on psychosocial, biological and psychodynamic constructs that we have been taught to “treat away,”such as depression, anxiety, and loss of control. In our attempt to gain scientific credibility, we may have become our own worst enemies! In our attempt to be respected as part of established mental health care, we may be disrespecting the very people who need our compassionate care.

Without doubt, the grief journey requires contemplation and turning inward. In other words, it requires depression, anxiety and loss of control. It requires going to the wilderness. Quietness and emptiness invite the heart to observe signs of sacredness, to regain purpose, to rediscover love, to renew life! Searching for meaning, reasons to get one’s feet out of bed, and understanding the pain of loss are not the domain of the medical model of bereavement care. Experience has taught me that it is the mysterious, spiritual dimension of grief that allows us to go on living until we, too, die.

An Invitation to “Read Between the Lines”

I once heard someone say, “The truth comes in the silence between the words. It is grasped and experienced with the heart.” My hope is that you, as the reader of this book, will attempt to do just that-to listen with your heart to the silence between the words. Listen to your heart and reflect on what the tenets of companioning the bereaved bring up for you. Use this opportunity to explore your own personal relationship with grief and loss.

When I was a teenager I had a dream of having a healing center where bereavement caregivers could come together and explore how we could be empowered to be agents of wholeness in the lives of the bereaved. I have taken that dream, clung to it, nurtured it and never let it go. That dream, shaped by losses in my youth, ultimately transformed my life and brought me tremendous meaning and joy in my life.

I truly believe we are all here to, in part, contribute love and care to those our lives touch-each of us in his own way. Supporting my fellow human beings in grief nourishes my soul. If you are attempting to support people in grief from a place of open-heartedness and love, you are indeed nourishing your own soul and the souls of those you touch.

A very wise person once said, “I just try to tell my own truth and sing my own song coherently, hoping that good things will come out if it. I hope others will join in singing their own song, too.” This book is one attempt to sing my song. Thanks for listening and I wish you well in singing yours.

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping a Friend in Grief

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A friend has experienced the death of someone loved. You want to help, but you are not sure how to go about it. This article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into positive actions.

Listen with your heart.

Helping begins with your ability to be an active listener. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools. Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on listening to the words that are being shared with you.

Be compassionate.

Give your friend permission to express his or her feelings without fear of criticism. Learn from your friend; don’t instruct or set expectations about how he or she should respond. Never say, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Think about your helper role as someone who “walks with,” not “behind” or “in front of” the one who is mourning.

Allow your friend to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain that he or she is feeling at the time. Enter into your friend’s feelings, but never try to take them away. And recognize that tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with the death.

Avoid clichés.

Words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful for a grieving friend. Clichés are trite comments often intended to diminish the loss by providing simple solutions to difficult realities. Comments like, “You are holding up so well,” “Time heals all wounds,” “Think of all you still have to be thankful for” or “Just be happy that he’s out of his pain” are not constructive. Instead, they hurt and make a friend’s journey through grief more difficult.

Understand the uniqueness of grief.

Keep in mind that your friend’s grief is unique. No one will respond to the death of someone loved in exactly the same way. While it may be possible to talk about similar phases shared by grieving people, everyone is different and shaped by experiences in their own unique lives.

Because the grief experience is also unique, be patient. The process of grief takes a long time, so allow your friend to proceed at his or her own pace. Don’t force your own timetable for healing. Don’t criticize what you believe is inappropriate behavior. And while you should create opportunities for personal interaction, don’t force the situation if your grieving friend resists.

Offer practical help.

Preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house or answering the telephone are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care. And, just as with your presence, this support is needed at the time of the death and in the weeks and months ahead.

Make contact.

Your presence at the funeral is important. As a ritual, the funeral provides an opportunity for you to express your love and concern at this time of need. As you pay tribute to a life that is now passed, you have a chance to support grieving friends and family. At the funeral, a touch of your hand, a look in your eye or even a hug often communicates more than any words could ever say.

Don’t just attend the funeral then disappear, however. Remain available in the weeks and months to come, as well. Remember that your grieving friend may need you more later on than at the time of the funeral. A brief visit or a telephone call in the days that follow are usually appreciated.

Write a personal note.

Sympathy cards express your concern, but there is no substitute for your personal written words. What do you say? Share a favorite memory of the person who died. Relate the special qualities that you valued in him or her. These words will often be a loving gift to your grieving friend, words that will be reread and remembered for years.

Use the name of the person who has died either in your personal note or when you talk to your friend. Hearing that name can be comforting, and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important person who was so much a part of your friend’s life.

Be aware of holidays and anniversaries.

Your friend and the family of the person who died sometimes create special traditions surrounding these events. Your role? Perhaps you can help organize such a remembrance or attend one if you are invited.

Understanding the importance of the loss.

Remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience. As a result of this death, your friend’s life is under reconstruction. Consider the significance of the loss and be gentle and compassionate in all of your helping efforts.

While the above guidelines will be helpful, it is important to recognize that helping a grieving friend will not be an easy task. You may have to give more concern, time and love that you ever knew you had. But this effort will be more than worth it. By ‘walking with’ your friend in grief, you are giving one of life’s most precious gifts-yourself.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing A Friend’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping Children Understand Cremation

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

The Adult as Role Model and Helper

A child you care about is grieving the loss of someone loved. If you, too, loved the person who died, you are now faced with the difficult but critical task of helping both yourself and the child heal. Throughout the coming months you will be both a role model and a helper to the bereaved child in your care.

One of the first opportunities for you and the child to express your grief is the funeral. But sometimes the funeral can seem strange or confusing to children if they are not gently guided through the experience. Many aspects of the funeral must be explained at this unique child’s developmentally-appropriate level.

If the body is to be cremated (which is happening more and more today), you may want to explain what cremation is to the child in your care. This article will help you be both compassionate and direct as you talk about cremation.

Children Are Naturally Curious

Children are naturally curious about everything, including death. But death is a taboo subject in many families. A parent or family member who would gladly help a child with his science homework may be uncomfortable answering the same child’s questions about death, funerals and cremation.

You can help by being someone the child can turn to with his questions. Encourage him to ask you anything he wants to about the death and the funeral. Give him honest answers in words he will understand.

Follow the Lead of Each Unique Child

If there is one rule of thumb to keep in mind as you guide this child through the funeral experience, it is this: Follow the child’s lead. If you listen to her and pay attention to her behaviors, the child will teach you what she is curious about, what doesn’t interest her, what makes her scared.

Follow her lead as you answer her questions about cremation. Give her only as much information as she wants to know. If she has more questions, she’ll probably ask-especially if you’ve shown her that you are someone who will answer her questions honestly and openly.

Understand Cremation Yourself

Most adults have never been taught exactly what happens during cremation. Let’s review that information first.

Cremation takes place at a building called a crematory or crematorium . Sometimes crematories are adjacent to funeral homes, but often they are stand-alone operations not affiliated with a specific funeral home. There are more than 1,000 crematories in the United States and Canada today.

Within the crematory is a special stainless steel vault called a cremation chamber , or retort (pronounced REtort). The body is placed in a sturdy cardboard container and the container is slid into the cremation chamber. The body may also be cremated in a casket. After the container or casket is placed in the cremation chamber, the chamber door is tightly sealed and the operator turns on the heat.

A gas jet creates a white hot heat in the back of the cremation chamber. Because of the intensity of the heat, the body ignites and burns until only bone fragments remain. This process takes approximately 2-3 hours.

After the cremation, the remains are collected in a metal tray. At this point the remains are small pieces of bone. To further reduce them, the remains are placed in a processor and refined down to the consistency of coarse sand.

The white or grayish remains, often called ashes or cremated remains at this stage, are then sealed in a transparent plastic bag along with an identification tag. The bag weighs about 5 lbs. and is similar in size to a 5-lb. bag of sugar. Often the family requests that the cremated remains be placed in an urn, which can then be buried, placed in a columbarium (which is a special above-ground structure at a cemetery), taken home or transported for scattering.

Keep Your Explanations Simple

Now that you better understand the process of cremation, perhaps you can decide how much information you would like to share with the child in your care.

Whatever information you choose to share, take care to use words that he will understand. This depends not only on the child’s age, but also his developmental level, his personality and his vocabulary. If your words and your tone convey that you are comfortable with the process of cremation, the child will likely feel the same way.

Think twice before withholding all information about cremation from children. Some would say that cremation is too violent a process to explain to children, yet children can cope with what they know. They cannot cope with what they don’t know or have never been told. Often their imaginations can conjure up explanations much scarier than reality.

Also be careful about using euphemisms or even fibbing to children in an attempt to protect them from the truth. For example, if a child is told that God took the person to heaven yet the adults around her are all talking about something called cremation or ashes, she may well become more confused and upset than she would have been if a compassionate adult gently told her the truth.

Some Child-Friendly Cremation Information

There is no smell and no smoke when a body is cremated. It just gets very hot-about three times as hot as your oven at home can get. The heat burns away all the parts of the body except for some pieces of bone.
After cremation, what’s left of the body looks like fishbowl rocks or kitty litter, except it’s white because it’s bone. It’s put in a clear plastic bag so you can see it if you want to.
When a dead body is buried in the ground, it breaks down after months and years and just a skeleton is left. Cremation makes this happen much, much faster.
Cremation has been used for thousands of years. The ancient Greeks and Romans built funeral pyres (rhymes with hires), which were stacks of wood the body was put on top of. The wood was set afire and the body burned, too. Funeral pyres are still used in India today.
Cremation doesn’t hurt. The person is dead, which means the body doesn’t work anymore. It’s heart doesn’t beat, it’s brain has stopped working, it doesn’t breathe and it doesn’t feel anything anymore.
The people doing the cremation take it very seriously and handle the body with a lot of respect. Just like you do, they understand that ______________ (the person who died) was a unique, special person who deserves to leave this world with dignity.

Include the Child and You’ll Be Helping Her Heal

Children who are included in funeral planning, are encouraged to view the body (if culturally appropriate) and attend the funeral, and are compassionately guided through all these steps are best prepared to begin their journeys toward healing. Including the child also means helping her understand cremation if she lets you know she is curious.

Remember that any child old enough to love is old enough to mourn. And children who mourn need our honesty, our love and our acceptance of their many thoughts and feelings-and questions and concerns-if they are to heal.

Be Available in the Coming Weeks and Months

Death may be the most difficult thing in life to understand, even for adults. The child in your care may have lingering questions for months, even years, after the event of the death itself.

Remain available to the child as time passes. Support him in his unique grief journey. The child who was not curious about cremation at the time of the funeral may well have questions about it later on.

The Language of Funerals

Remember to use simple, concrete language when talking to children about death. Here are some suggestions for explaining funeral terms:

Ashes What is left of a dead body after cremation. Looks (also called cremated like chunky sand or fishbowl rocks except it’s white or remains) gray. People commonly refer to these as “ashes” because of the Biblical passage that says “from ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” However, the remains don’t really look like ashes, so it’s probably more appropriate to refer to them as “cremated remains.”

Burial Placing the body (which is inside a casket or urn, if the body was cremated) into the ground.

Casket A special box for burying a dead body.

Cemetery A place where many dead bodies and ashes are buried.

Columbarium A little building at a cemetery where ashes are stored. Kind of like a grave that’s above the ground.

Cremation The dead body is put in a special metal container that gets very hot inside. The heat burns away all of the body parts except some small pieces of bone.

Dead When a person’s body stops working. It doesn’t see, hear, feel, eat, breathe, etc. anymore.

Funeral A time when friends and families get together to say goodbye and remember the person who died.

Funeral home A place where bodies are kept until they are buried or cremated.

Grave The hole in the ground where the body or ashes are buried at the cemetery.

Obituary A short article in the paper that tells about the person who died.

Scattering When the dead person’s cremated remains are respectfully scattered onto the ground or water (or sometimes in the air) at a place that was special to him or her.

Urn A special container that holds the cremated person’s ashes.

Viewing The time when people can see the body of the person who died and say goodbye.

About the Author

Healing Your Grieving Body: Physical Practices for Mourners

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

“And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief.” – C.S. Lewis

This articleis in your hands because you are in mourning. You have been “torn apart” and have some very special needs right now. Among these special needs is to nurture yourself in five important ways: physically; emotionally; cognitively; socially;and spiritually. While all of these areas are vitally important, this book focuses on practical ways to nurture yourself in the physical realm.

When you are in mourning, you usually feel under-rested and overwhelmed. Your body is probably letting you know it feels distress. You may feel you have no strength left for your own basic needs, let alone the needs of others. Actually, one literal definition of the word “grievous” is “causing physical suffering.” Yes, right now your body is telling you it has, just like your heart, been “torn apart” and has some special needs!

Your body is so very wise. It will try to slow you down and invite you to authentically mourn the losses that touch your life. The emotions of grief are often experienced as bodily-felt energies. We mourn life losses from the inside out. In our experience as a physician and grief counselor, it is only when we care for ourselves physically that we can integrate our losses emotionally and spiritually. Allow us to introduce you to how your body attempts to slow you down and prepare you to mourn your life losses.

Among the most common physical responses to loss are trouble sleeping and low energy. It is so common we even have a fancy term for it-the “lethargy of grief.” You are probably finding that your normal sleep patterns have been thrown off. Perhaps you are having difficulty getting to sleep, but even more commonly, you may wake up early in the morning and have trouble getting back to sleep. During your grief journey your body needs more rest than usual. You may also find yourself getting tired more quickly-sometimes even at the start of the day.

Sleeping normally after a loss would be unusual. If you think about it, sleep is the primary way in which we release control. When you experience a life loss, you feel a great loss of control. At a subconscious level, you may notwant to lose any more control by sleeping. So sleep problems are very natural in the face of life losses.

Muscle aches and pains, shortness of breath, feelings of emptiness in your stomach, tightness in your throat or chest, digestive problems, sensitivity to noise, heart palpitations, queasiness, nausea, headaches, increased allergy symptoms, changes in appetite, weight loss or gain, agitation, and generalized tension-these are all ways your body may react to losses that you encounter in life.

The stress of grief can suppress your immune system and make you more vulnerable to physical problems. If you have a chronic existing health challenge, it may become worse. Right now you may not feel in control of how your body is responding. Your body is communicating with you about the special needsit has right now. Befriending and mindfully giving attention to your physical symptoms will allow you to discover your body’s native intelligence.

Yet, it can be difficult to slow down and care for your body when you are surrounded by common societal messages that tell us to be strong in the face of grief. Have you had anyone tell you things like, “Keep busy,” “Carry on,” or “You need to put the past in the past”? These and other similar messages often discourage you from practicing physical self-care, which, by contrast, is needed because it invites you to suspend. In actuality, when you are in mourning, you need to slow down, to turn inward, to embrace feelings of loss, and to seek and accept support. No, it is not always easy to care for your physical being in a mourning-avoidant culture. Without doubt, physical self-care takes time, mindfulness, and discernment.

You must realize that physical self-care is vitally important to you right now or you probably would not have picked up this book. As you know, your body is the house you live in. Just as your house requires care and maintenance to protect you from outside elements, your body requires that you honor it and be kind and gentle to it. The quality of your life ahead depends on how you care for your body today. The lethargy of grief you are probably experiencing is a natural mechanism intended to slow you down and encourage you to care for your body.

To practice physical self-care doesn’t mean you are feeling sorry for yourself; rather it means you are allowing yourself to have courage to pay attention to your special needs. For it is in physically nurturing yourselfthat you can eventually allow yourself the time and loving attention you need to journey through your grief to discover a fullness of living and loving again. That is why we encourage anyone who is in the midst of grief to put “nurture my physical self” right at the top of the daily to-do list.

Taking care of your physical self during this naturally vulnerable time in your life is essentially about personal guardianship. It means accepting personal responsibility for your own special health needs as part of your need to self-nurture. We are honored to provide you some information that we believe can and will help you in this endeavor, but just as your body is yours, so is the responsibility you have to care for it.

Right now your “divine spark”-that which gives your life meaning and purpose-may feel like it has been muted or even turned completely off. In large part, our hope is that this book helps your “physical switch” stay on, even if part of you wants to keep it in the off position. You see, we believe if we can help you take care of your physical body, over time and with no rewards for speed, your spirit, your “life force” or divine spark, can be re-ignited, and you can find renewed meaning and even joy in your life.

So, self-care is about being reminded to care for your body with the right actions, right living, and right thinking. You will practice self-care when you believe that you deserve it and when you love yourself enough to carry it out. The presence of daily, thoughtful care of your grieving body is a clear reflection of your holiness, and a lack of self-care represents an internal disregard for your being. So, as difficult as it may be for you right now, caring for your body is vital to your temporary surviving and your longer-term thriving.

Helping Children with Funerals

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

The Adult as Role Model and Helper

A child you care about is grieving. If you, too, loved the person who died, you are now faced with the difficult but critical task of helping both yourself and the child heal. Throughout the coming months you will be both a role model and a helper to the bereaved child in your care.

One of the first opportunities for you and the child to express your grief is the funeral. This article will help you understand the importance of the funeral not only for you and other adult mourners, but for the children. It will also offer suggestions for guiding children through this important ritual in a healthy, life-affirming way.

The Funeral: For Adults And Children

Most of the rituals in our society focus on children. What would birthdays or Christmas be without kids? Unfortunately, the funeral ritual, whose purpose is to help bereaved people begin to heal, is not seen as a ritual for kids. Too often, children are not included in the funeral because adults want to protect them. The funeral is painful, they reason, so I will shelter the children from this pain.

Yes, funerals can be very painful, but children have the same right and privilege to participate in them as adults do. Funerals are important to survivors of any age because they:

help them acknowledge that someone has died.
provide a structure to support and assist them through their initial period of mourning.
provide a time to honor, remember and affirm the life of the person who died.
allow for a “search for meaning” within the context of each person’s religious or philosophical values.

Explaining the What…

Unless they have attended one before, children don’t know what to expect from a funeral. You can help by explaining what will happen before, during and after the ceremony. Let the child’s questions and natural curiosity guide the discussion.

Give as many specifics as the child seems interested in hearing. You might tell her how the room will look, who will be coming and how long everyone will be there, for example. When possible, arrange for the child to visit the funeral home before the funeral. This allows her more freedom to react and talk openly about feelings and concerns.

If the body will be viewed either at a visitation or at the funeral itself, let the child know this in advance. Explain what the casket and the body will look like. If the body is to be cremated, explain what cremation means and what will happen to the ashes. Be sure the child understands that because the person is dead, he doesn’t feel pain or anything at all during cremation.

Also help children anticipate that they will see people expressing a wide variety of emotions at the funeral. They will see tears, straight faces and laughter. If adults are able to openly show feelings, including crying, children will feel much more free to express a sense of loss at their own level.

And the Whys…

Help the child understand why we have funerals. Children need to know that the funeral is a time of sadness because someone has died, a time to honor the person who died, a time to help comfort and support each other and a time to affirm that life goes on.

One why children seem easily to embrace is that funerals are a time to say goodbye. And saying goodbye helps us all acknowledge that the person we loved is gone and cannot come back. If the body is to be viewed, tell the child that seeing the body helps people say goodbye and that he may touch the person he loved once last time.

Now is also a good time to explain to the child what spiritual significance the funeral has for you and your family. This can be difficult, for even adults have a hard time articulating their beliefs about life and death. One guideline: children have difficulty understanding abstractions, so it is best to use concrete terms when talking about religious concepts.

Include Children in the Ritual

When appropriate, you might invite children not only to attend the funeral but to take part in it. Bereaved children feel like their feelings “matter” when they can share a favorite memory or read a special poem as part of the funeral. Shyer children can participate by lighting a candle or placing something special (a momento or a photo, for example) in the casket. And many children feel more included when they are invited to help plan the funeral service.

Encourage, But Don’t Force

Children should be encouraged to attend and participate in funerals, but never forced. When they are lovingly guided through the process, however, most children want to attend. Offer the reticent child options: “You can come to the visitation today with everyone else or if you want, I can take just you this morning so you can say goodbye in private.”

Understand and Accept the Child’s Way of Mourning

Do not prescribe to children what they should feel or for how long-particularly during the funeral. Remember that children often need to accept their grief in doses, and that outward signs of grief may come and go. It is not unusual, for example, for children to want to roughhouse with their cousins during the visitation or play video games right after the funeral. Instead of punishing this behavior, you should respect the child’s need to be a child during this extraordinarily difficult time. If the child’s behavior is disturbing others, explain that there are acceptable and unacceptable ways to act at funerals and that you expect the child to consider the feelings of other mourners-including yours.

Be There

Being there for the bereaved child-before, during and after the funeral-is the most important thing you can do to help. When we grieve, we all need support from others. But grieving children, especially, need to know they are not alone.

Physical closeness and comfort are reassuring to children during times of distress. What you say may not be as important as a touch on the shoulder, a hand on the back or a shoulder to cry on.

Remember to be a good observer of children’s behavior. Be patient and available as you allow children to teach you what the funeral is like for them.

Funerals: A Final Word

An anonymous author once wrote, “When words are inadequate, have a ritual.” For children and adults alike, death often leaves us speechless. The funeral, a ritual that has been with us since the beginning of time, is here to help us embrace the life that was lived and support each other as we go forward. As caring adults, we will serve our children well to introduce them to the value of coming together when someone we love dies.

The Language of Funerals

Remember to use simple, concrete language when talking to children about death. Here are some suggestions for explaining funeral terms:

Ashes

(also “cremains”)

What is left of a dead body after cremation. Looks like ashes from a fire.

Burial

Placing the body (which is inside a casket) into the ground.

Casket

A special box for burying a dead body.

Cemetery

A place where many dead bodies are buried.

Cremation

Putting the dead body into a room with lots of heat until it turns into ashes.

Dead

When a person’s body stops working. It doesn’t see, hear, feel, eat, breathe, etc. anymore.

Funeral

A time when friends and families get together to say goodbye and remember the person who died.

Funeral home

A place where bodies are kept until they are buried.

Grave

The hole in the ground where the body is buried at the cemetery.

Hearse

The special car that takes the dead body in the casket to the grave at the cemetery.

Obituary

A short article in the paper that tells about the person who died.

Pallbearer

The people who help carry the casket at the funeral.

Viewing

The time when people can see the body of the person who died.

Related Resources

Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies: A Guide for Families (book)

Helping Dispel 5 Common Myths About Grief

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Our society continues to perpetuate a number of myths about grief and mourning. These myths may seem harmless, but I have found that they can quickly become hurdles to healing.

This article describes five of the most common myths about grief. I hope that this information will help you overcome these myths and better understand how to help yourself or others heal.

Myth #1: Grief and mourning are the same experience.

Most people tend to use the words grief and mourning interchangeably. However, there is an important distinction between them. We have learned that people move toward healing not by just grieving, but through mourning.

Simply stated, grief is the internal thoughts and feelings we experience when someone we love dies. Mourning , on the other hand, is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside ourselves.

In reality, many people in our culture grieve, but they do not mourn. Instead of being encouraged to express their grief outwardly, they are often greeted with messages such as “carry on,” “keep your chin up,” and “keep busy.” So, they end up grieving within themselves in isolation, instead of mourning outside of themselves in the presence of loving companions.

Myth #2: There is a predictable and orderly progression to the experience of grief.

Stage-like thinking about both dying and grief has been appealing to many people. Somehow the “stages of grief” have helped people make sense out of an experience that isn’t as orderly and predictable as we would like it to be. If only it were so simple!

The concept of “stages” was popularized in 1969 with the publication of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ landmark text On Death and Dying . Kubler-Ross never intended for people to literally interpret her five “stages of dying.” However, many people have done just that, not only with the process of dying, but with the processes of bereavement, grief, and mourning as well.

One such consequence is when people around the grieving person believe that he or she should be in “stage 2” or “stage 4” by now. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Each person’s grief is uniquely his or her own. It is neither predictable nor orderly. Nor can its different dimensions be so easily categorized. We only get ourselves in trouble when we try to prescribe what the grief and mourning experiences of others should be-or when we try to fit our own grief into neat little boxes.

Myth #3: It is best to move away from grief and mourning instead of toward it.

Many grievers do not give themselves permission or receive permission from others to mourn. We live in a society that often encourages people to prematurely move away from their grief instead of toward it. Many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced. The result is that many of us either grieve in isolation or attempt to run away from our grief.

People who continue to express their grief outwardly-to mourn-are often viewed as “weak,” “crazy” or “self-pitying.” The common message is “shape up and get on with your life.” Refusing to allow tears, suffering in silence, and “being strong,” are thought to be admirable behaviors. Many people in grief have internalized society’s message that mourning should be done quietly, quickly, and efficiently.

Such messages encourage the repression of the griever’s thoughts and feelings. The problem is that attempting to mask or move away from grief results in internal anxiety and confusion. With little, if any, social recognition of the normal pain of grief, people begin to think their thoughts and feelings are abnormal. “I think I’m going crazy,” they often tell me.

They’re not crazy, just grieving. And in order to heal they must move toward their grief through continued mourning, not away from it through repression and denial.

Myth #4: Tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness.

Unfortunately, many people associate tears of grief with personal inadequacy and weakness. Crying on the part of the mourner often generates feelings of helplessness in friends, family, and caregivers.

Out of a wish to protect mourners from pain, friends and family may try to stop the tears. Comments such as, “Tears won’t bring him back” and “He wouldn’t want you to cry” discourage the expression of tears.

Yet crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in the body and allows the mourner to communicate a need to be comforted. Crying makes people feel better, emotionally and physically.

Tears are not a sign of weakness. In fact, crying is an indication of the griever’s willingness to do the “work of mourning.”

Myth #5: The goal is to “get over” your grief.

We have all heard people ask, “Are you over it yet?” To think that we as human beings “get over” grief is ridiculous! We never “get over” our grief but instead become reconciled to it.

We do not resolve or recover from our grief. These terms suggest a total return to “normalcy” and yet in my personal, as well as professional, experience, we are all forever changed by the experience of grief. For the mourner to assume that life will be exactly as it was prior to the death is unrealistic and potentially damaging. Those people who think the goal is to “resolve” grief become destructive to the healing process.

Mourners do, however, learn to reconcile their grief. We learn to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who has died. With reconciliation a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death, and the capacity to become re-involved with the activities of living. We also come to acknowledge that pain and grief are difficult-yet necessary-parts of life and living.

As the experience of reconciliation unfolds, we recognize that life will be different without the presence of the person who died. At first we realize this with our head, and later come to realize it with our heart. We also realize that reconciliation is a process, not an event. The sense of loss does not completely disappear yet softens and the intense pangs of grief become less frequent. Hope for a continued life emerges as we are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that one’s own life can and will move forward.

About the Author

Helping Your Family Cope When a Pet Dies

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A pet is often a member of the family. In fact, surveys show some interesting facts about pet owners: 84% consider their animals family members; 99% talk to their pets and 54% celebrate their pet’s birthday.

The term “man’s best friend” brings to mind the unconditional love, constant companionship and acceptance we feel for our pets. And why not? Your pet can take you for a walk, listen when you need someone to talk to or even guard your house. A pet can also lower your blood pressure, change your heart rate or alleviate feelings of chronic loneliness.

With your capacity to love your pet comes the necessity to grieve when that “best friend” dies. The death of a pet is, without a doubt, a traumatic experience. This article is intended to help you and your family acknowledge the need to grieve at this time and to do so in a healthy way.

A Pet’s Death is Significant

No, it’s not “just a dog” or “just a cat.” The animal is a family member. With the death of that pet, the family experiences a significant loss. A difficult problem, however, is that society often denies you the need to grieve for your pet. You may even be chastised for openly and honestly expressing your feelings. As a result, your grief may be hidden, buried or ignored. Although denied understanding and support, your family needs to grieve the death of your pet. Grieving means to express your feelings, no matter how painful, outside of yourselves.

Clichés Don’t Help You Heal

Your family will probably be greeted with many clichés when your pet dies. Clichés are trite comments intended to diminish the loss by providing simple solutions to difficult realities. Comments like, “It was just a dog,” or “You can always get another one,” or “Be glad you don’t have to take care of him anymore” are not constructive. Instead they hurt and make your family’s journey through grief more difficult.

Memories are the Best Legacies

Memories are one of the best legacies after the death of a pet. Talk about and embrace these memories. Your pet entertained, comforted, frustrated but always loved you. Remember those times. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If they bring sadness, cry. Remember, though, memories made in love can never be taken away.

Your Emotions Will Vary

When your pet dies, you will probably experience a variety of emotions: confusion, disorganization, sadness, explosive emotions or guilt. Don’t repress these feelings and ignore anyone who tells you that you should. Don’t over-analyze your response. Just allow your feelings to find expression. As strange as some of these feelings may seem, they are normal and healthy.

Each family member probably had a unique relationship with the pet. Allow for different emotional responses within the family, and be careful to respect each person’s need to grieve in his or her own way.

Should You Choose Euthanasia?

When you love your pet, no question is more difficult than whether or not to euthanize. Yet this difficult choice is often the right one, particularly if your pet is in agonizing pain or the quality of life has deteriorated. Sometimes the cost of the treatment for a particular disease has also become prohibitive.

Talk to your veterinarian about euthanasia. Fortunately, humane procedures can end needless suffering for both you and your pet. The intravenous drug used for euthanasia does not cause pain. After visiting with your vet, make your decision based on your own good judgment. If you have always treated your pet with gentleness and love, you will probably make a wise choice based upon the reality of the situation. Some owners want to be present when their pets are euthanized. Some do not. Whichever choice you make, you may still want to spend some special time saying “goodbye” to your pet.

Rituals Can be Helpful

Allowing and encouraging your family to have a funeral for the pet that has died can be helpful. It provides a time to acknowledge the loss, share memories of the pet and create a focus for the family to openly express emotions. While some friends or even family members may think having a funeral for your pet is foolish, don’t let them take this special time away. Design a ritual that best meets your needs as you gather to pay tribute to a pet who was and always will be loved.

Children Need to be Involved

The death of a pet is often the first opportunity parents have to help children during times of grief. Unfortunately, parents often don’t want to talk about the death assuming that by doing so the children will be spared some of the pain and sadness.

Children, however, are entitled to grieve for their pets. Any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve. And many children love their pets with all their hearts. As an adult, if you are open, honest and loving, experiencing the death of a pet can be a chance for children to learn about both the joy- and the pain- that comes from caring deeply for pets or for people.

You may not experience the same depth of loss as your children when a family pet dies. You must still respect their grief and allow them to express it without feeling abandoned. Your response during this time can make the difference whether children’s first exposure to death will be a positive or a negative part of their personal growth and development.

Older Adults have Special Needs

For older adults, the relationship with a pet is often the most meaningful relationship they have in their lives. The death of the pet can have a significant impact, particularly if the older adult is isolated from human contact. Under these circumstances, the pet becomes a “very best friend.”

When the pet dies, the experience may trigger old griefs from losses encountered throughout life. It is imperative that family and friends are sensitive to the older adult’s needs during this time. Respond with warmth and understanding and let them “teach you” about the special relationship with their beloved pet.

Premature Replacement Can Cause Problems

The temptation after the death of a pet may be to run out and get another one right away. In fact, you are often encouraged to do so by family and friends. Although it may sound like a good idea, you should be careful about premature replacement. You need time to grieve and to heal when your pet dies. A new pet demands your energy and attention which at some point you may be ready and willing to give. Right now, however, you should first attend to your grief.

Be especially careful about premature replacement of pets with children. It sends a message to a child that says when something is lost all that you have to do is buy another one. In reality, that is often not the case. It also devalues the significance of the pet that just died. While there is no specific timetable for when to get a new pet, when in doubt-wait. Allow for additional healing to occur. When the family is ready for a new pet, involve the children in the discussion and selection so they can feel a part of the decision.

Some Closing Thoughts About the Death of a Pet

Hopefully, this brochure has helped you understand why your family grieves so deeply when a beloved pet dies. Pets don’t criticize or judge you. They just love and accept you unconditionally. When a pet dies, you and your family must accept the need to grieve. Even though others around you may attempt to minimize your grief, the hurt must be embraced to be lessened. Be patient and tolerant as you slowly move toward healing.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Dispelling the Misconceptions About Suicide and Grief and Mourning

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Misconception: A misconception is a mistaken notion you might have about somethingÑin other words, something you believe to be true but that is not true. Misconceptions about grief are common in our society because we tend not to openly mourn or talk about grief and mourning. You can see how we’d have misconceptions about something as “in the closet” as suicide grief.

As you journey through the wilderness of your suicide grief, if you mourn openly and authentically, you will come to find a path that feels right for you. That is your path to healing. But bewareÑothers may try to pull you off this path. They may try to make you believe that the path you have chosen is wrongÑeven crazyÑand that their way is better.

The reason that people try to pull you from the path is that they have internalized some common misconceptions about suicide grief and mourning. And the misconceptions, in essence, deny you your right to hurt and authentically express your grief. They often cause unrealistic expectations about the grief experience. To integrate this loss into your soul, you must first be willing to unlearn the following misconceptions about suicide and grief and mourning.

As you read about this important concept, you may discover that you yourself have believed in some of the misconceptions and that some may be embraced by people around you. Don’t condemn yourself or others for believing in them. They can seem like common sense, and it is also easy to believe something about which you have no actual experience. Simply make use of any new insights you might gain to help you open your heart to your work of mourning in ways that restore your soul.

Misconception 1: Grief and mourning are the same thing.

Perhaps you have noticed that people tend to use the words “grieving” and “mourning” interchangeably. There is an important distinction, however. We as humans move toward integrating loss into our lives not just by grieving, but by mourning. You will move toward reconciliation not just by grieving, but through active and intentional mourning.

Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. Think of grief as the container. It holds all of your thoughts, feelings, and images of your experience when you are bereaved. In other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss.

Mourning is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside of yourself. Another way of defining mourning is “grief gone public” or “the outward expression of grief.” Talking about the person who died, crying, expressing your thoughts and feelings through art or music, and celebrating special anniversary dates that held meaning for the person who died are just a few examples of mourning.

WARNING: After someone you love has competed suicide, your friends may encourage you to keep your grief to yourself. If you were to take this message to heart, the disastrous result would be that all of your thoughts and feelings would stay neatly bottled up inside you. A catalyst for healing, however, can only be created when you develop the courage to mourn publicly, in the presence of understanding, compassionate people who will not judge you. At times, of course, you will grieve alone, but expressing your grief outside of yourself is necessary if you are to slowly and gently move forward in your grief journey.

I think it’s so interesting that many native cultures actually create vessels, usually baskets, pots, or bowls, that symbolically contained their grief. They would put these vessels away for periods of time, only to bring them out on a regular basis to help themselves mourn.

Another way to think about what these cultures were instinctively doing was dosing themselves with their grief. As I’ve said, grief must be embraced little by little, in small bits, with breaks in between. This dosing helps you survive what would, if absorbed in its totality all at once, probably kill you.

When you don’t honor a death loss by acknowledging it, first to yourself and then to those around you, the grief will accumulate. Then the denied losses come flowing out in all sorts of potential ways (e.g., deep depression, physical complaints, difficulty in relationships, addictive behaviors), compounding the pain of your loss.

Misconception 2: Grief following a suicide death always results in “complicated” or “pathological” mourning.

Actually, there is research that indicates that survivors of suicide integrate grief at about the same pace as those who experience any kind of unanticipated death. This misconception could have you believing that you should suffer longer.

This does not mean that a suicide death won’t be viewed differently. Obviously, there can be some natural challenges, such as the combination of sudden shock, the natural question of “why?”, the trauma of witnessing or discovering the suicide, the lack of support from family and friends, and the potential of “secondary victimization” that results from cruel, judgmental, or insensitive comments. Yes, you will have griefbursts (and naturally do some “catch-up” mourning as you continue with your life, but do not let this misconception become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do your work of mourning, and you will come out of the dark and into the light.

Misconception 3: Grief and mourning progress in predictable, orderly stages.

Probably you have already heard about the stages of grief. This type of thinking about dying, grief, and mourning is appealing but inaccurate. The notion of stages helps people make sense of death, an experience that is usually not orderly or predictable. If we believe that everyone grieves by going through the same stages, then death and grief become much less mysterious and fearsome. If only it were so simple!

The concept of “stage” was popularized in 1969 with the publication of Elisabeth KŸbler-Ross’s landmark text On Death and Dying . In this important book, Dr. Kübler-Ross lists the five stages of grief that she saw terminally ill patients experience in the face of their own impending deaths: denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and acceptance. However, Dr. Kübler-Ross never intended for her stages to be interpreted as a rigid, linear sequence to be followed by all mourners. Readers, however, have done just that, and the consequences have often been disastrous.

As a grieving person, you will probably encounter others who have adopted a rigid system of beliefs about what you should experience in your grief journey. And if you have internalized this misconception, you may also find yourself trying to prescribe your grief experience as well. Instead of allowing yourself to be where you are, you may try to force yourself to be in another “stage.”

For example, the common responses of disorganization, fear, guilt, and explosive emotions may or may not occur during your unique grief journey. Or relief may occur anywhere along the way and invariably overlap another part of your response. Sometimes your emotions may follow each other within a short period of time; or, at other times, two or more emotions may be present simultaneously. RememberÑdo not try to determine where you “should” be. Just allow yourself to be naturally where you are in the process.

Everyone mourns in different ways. Personal experience is your best teacher about where you are in your grief journey. Don’t think your goal is to move through prescribed stages of grief. Your grief is unique. That word means “only one.” No one ever existed exactly like you before, and no one will ever be exactly like you again. As part of the healing process, the thoughts and feelings you will experience will be totally unique to you.

Misconception 4: We can always determine the “whys?” of a suicide death.

You may naturally have some of what I like to refer to as psycho-spiritual “why?” questions. You may search for answers, look for clues, and try to make sense of the “why?” of this person’s death. Do not punish yourself for this instinctive response to trauma loss. Why did the person do this can be a painful yet natural question to explore. As a matter of fact, watch out for well-intentioned people who sa,y “Don’t ask why; it doesn’t do you any good.” Those people often do not understand the normalcy of how “why?” questions precede “how?” questions. “Why did this happen?” is part of the pathway to get yourself to “How will I survive that he or she did this?” Again, do not shame yourself if you find this is part of your journey.

Having acknowledged the normalcy of “why?” questions, detailed investigation of the factors that can lead to a suicide death demonstrate that there are usually many reasons people take their own lives. These signs may be unknown or masked to family members and friends. In fact, they are often not even able to be seen by the person who completes suicide.

So, the misconception is that we always know why, when the reality is we often don’t know the specifics of why. My experience with many survivors suggests that you may very slowly, with no rewards for speed, discover that is possible to live with the uncertainty of never fully knowing the answer to “why?”

Misconception 5: All suicide survivors feel guilty.

The sad reality is that some people will actually say directly to you, “I bet you feel guilty” or pose the question, “Do you feel guilty?” This is one of the most prescribed responses for survivors of suicide. Many books about suicide survivorship give the most coverage to the topic of guilt.

In reality, as a survivor you may or may not feel guilty. Besides, assuming you feel guilt is the opposite of my belief that you are the expert of your own experience and therefore you must teach me what you feel; I must not prescribe what you should feel.

People do not know how you feel unless they give you the opportunity to teach them. People do not automatically assume survivors feel guilty after a death from a heart attack or cancer. Therefore, we should not assume guilt after a suicide death. Many survivors have worked long and hard to help someone prior to a suicide death.

As one astute person noted, “This assumption, from the Dark Ages, that we should have some brand to show people of guilt and shame from having a suicide in the family lives on.” So, if you are experiencing guilt, find a safe place with caring people where you can explore it But, I plead with you, do not assume you have to feel guilty.

Misconception 6: Only certain kinds of people complete suicide.

This is a simple misconception to dispel. The reality is that suicide is a stranger to no race, creed, religion, age group, income bracket, or socioeconomic level. All kinds of people have completed suicide since the beginning of recorded history.

Misconception 7: Only a crazy person completes suicide.

While the person you loved who completed suicide may have been depressed, anxious, or hopeless, to be sure, most of us survivors don’t find comfort when people try to tell us the person was crazy. Not all suicides meet some formal criteria for mental illness, and even when they do, we don’t need to hear that they were crazy.

Related to this, according to the American Association of Suicidology (AAS), approximately two-thirds of people who complete suicide are depressed, and the risk of suicide in people with major depression is about twenty times that of the general population. Depression, often undiagnosed and untreated, is the major cause of suicide.

Again, some people will think they are helping you when they claim your loved one must have been crazy. However, this does not lighten your burden and uplift your spirit. And, it is not a good use of language to assist in your understanding. Even when the person you cared about so deeply had a diagnosable mental illness, we don’t need to use the word crazy.

Misconception 8: It is a sin to complete suicide, and the person who does goes directly to hell.

It was not all that long ago that suicide was considered a sin by many of the major bodies of faith. Historically, it was considered by many not just be a sin, but an unpardonable sin.

Thank God we now have religious leaders and well-respected theologians who are compassionately and non-judgmentally educating people that suicide is not a sin. As one Catholic priest observed about suicide, “When its victims wake on the other side, they are met by a gentle Christ who stands right inside of their huddled fear and says, ‘Peace be with you!’ As we see in the gospels, God can g through locked doors, breathe out peace in places where we cannot get in, and write straight with even the most crooked of lines.” But watch out for some people who do continue to preach this. Find people who recognize that faith is about being open to the mystery. I always like to remind myself that “mystery”Ñthe ancient name for GodÑis something to be pondered, not explained. If someone starts preaching to you that suicide is a sin and that your loved one has gone to hell, get the hell away from them as fast as you can.

Personally, I believe there are no limits to God’s compassion. God mourns with us. He doesn’t send our loved ones to “burn in hell” as someone might try to tell you. If you believe as I do that God’s nature is one of steadfast mercy and love, than we realize this is a misconception we need to keep educating the world about.

Misconception 9: Suicide is inherited and runs in the family.

Be alert for uninformed people who may project to you that because someone in your family completed suicide, you may have the same fate. This projection is not supported by the facts. Scientific research has not at this time confirmed a genetic basis for suicide risk. Please do not listen to people who try to tell you are doomed to one day complete suicide.

Having acknowledged the obvious, we do know through research that substance abuse disorders, depression disorders, and schizophrenia tend to run in families. However, even if you have family members who have died by suicide after having suffered from these types of disorders, you are not predestined to complete suicide. So, again, do not let anyone tell you that you are.

Instead, if you are just being wise and self-compassionate, you will use this research information to do what you can to reduce your risk. This can include educating yourself about the warning signs related to risk for suicide, not abusing alcohol or drugs, and not hesitating to seek help whenever you may need it.

Misconception 10: You should move away from suicide grief, not toward it.

Our society often encourages prematurely moving away from grief instead of toward it. The result is that too many mourners either grieve in isolation or attempt to run away from their grief through various means.

During ancient times, stoic philosophers encouraged their followers not to mourn, believing that self-control was the appropriate response to sorrow. Today, well-intentioned but uninformed relatives and friends still carry this long-held tradition. While the outward expression of grief is a requirement for healing, overcoming society’s powerful message to repress can be difficult.

As a counselor, I am often asked, “How long should grief last?” This question directly relates to our culture’s impatience with grief and the desire to move people away from the experience of mourning. Shortly after the death, for example, mourners are expected to be “back to normal.”

Mourners who continue to express grief outwardly are often viewed as “weak,” “crazy,” or “self-pitying.” The subtle message is, “Shape up and get on with your life.” The reality is disturbing: Far too many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced.

The messages, unfortunately, encourage you to repress your thoughts and feelings about the death. By doing so, you may refuse to cry. And refusing to allow tears, suffering in silence, and “being strong” are often considered admirable behaviors. Many people have internalized society’s message that mourning should be done quietly, quickly, and efficientlyÑparticularly when the death results from suicide. Don’t let this happen to you.

After the death of someone loved, you also may respond to the question, “How are you?” with the benign response, “I’m fine.” When you respond in this way, in essence you are saying to the world, “I’m not mourning.” Friends, family, and coworkers may encourage this stance. Why? Because they don’t want to talk about death. So if you demonstrate an absence of mourning behavior, it tends to be more socially acceptable.

This collaborative pretense about mourning, however, does not meet your needs in grief. When your grief is ignored or minimized, you will feel further isolated in your journey. Ultimately, you will experience the onset of the “going crazy” syndrome. (Masking or moving away from your grief creates anxiety, confusion, and depression. If you receive little or no social recognition related to your pain, you will probably begin to fear that your thoughts and feelings are abnormal.

RememberÑsociety will often encourage you to prematurely move away from your suicide grief. You must continually remind yourself that leaning toward, not away from, the pain will facilitate the eventual healing.

Misconception 11: Tears of grief are only a sign of weakness.

Tears of grief are often associated with personal inadequacy and weakness. The worst thing you can do, however, is to allow this judgment to prevent you from crying. While your tears may result in feelings of helplessness for your friends, family, and caregivers, you must not let others stifle your need to mourn openly.

Sometimes, the people who care about you may, directly or indirectly, try to prevent your tears out of a desire to protect you (and them) from pain. You may hear comments like, “Tears won’t bring him back” or “He wouldn’t want you to cry.” Yet crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in your body, and it allows you to communicate a need to be comforted.

While data is still limited, research suggests that suppressing tears may actually increase your susceptibility to stress-related disorders. It makes sense. Crying is one of the excretory processes. Perhaps like sweating and exhaling, crying helps remove waste products from the body.

The capacity to express tears appears to allow for genuine healing. In my experience counseling suicide survivors, I have even observed changes in physical expression after crying. Not only do people feel better after they cry, they also seem to look better. Tension and agitation seem to flow out of their bodies.

You must be vigilant about guarding yourself against this misconception. Tears are not a sign of weakness or inadequacy. In fact, your capacity to share tears is an indication of your willingness to do the work of mourning.

Misconception 12: Being upset and openly mourning means you are being weak in your faith.

Watch out for those who think that having faith and openly mourning are mutually exclusive. Sometimes people fail to remember those important words of wisdom: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

Above all, mourning is a spiritual journey of the heart and soul. If faith or spirituality is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. If you are mad at God, be mad at God. Actually, being angry at God speaks of having a relationship with God in the first place. I’ve always said to myself and others, “God has been doing very well for some time now, so I think God can handle my anger.” Grief expressed is often grief diminished.

Similarly, if you need a time-out from regular worship, don’t shame yourself. Going to exile for a period of time often assists in your healing. If people try to drag you to a place of worship, dig your heels in and tell them you may go, but only when and if you are ready.

When and if you are ready, attending a church, synagogue, or other place of worship, reading scripture, and praying are only a few ways you might want to express your faith. Or, you may be open to less conventional ways, such as meditating or spending time alone in nature. To explore ways of expressing your spirituality, see the book Healing Your Grieving Soul: 100 Spiritual Practices.

Don’t let people take our grief away from you in the name of faith.

Misconception 13: When someone you love completes suicide, you only grieve and mourn for the physical loss of the person.

When someone you love completes suicide, you don’t just lose the presence of that person. As a result of the death, you may lose many other connections to yourself and the world around you. Sometimes I outline these potential losses, or what we call “secondary losses,” as follows:

Loss of self

Loss of meaning

You may also experience secondary victimization. This is when, in this time of great loss and vulnerability in your life, someone knowingly or unknowingly victimizes you further by shaming you, accusing you, or otherwise making you feel even worse about the death. For example, someone whose son had taken his own life was told by a friend whose child has also died, “Your child chose to die. Mine didn’t.” Comments like those are not only hurtful, they may compound your already complicated feelings of grief.

Allowing yourself tocknowledge the many levels of loss the suicide death has brought to your life will help you continue to stay open to your unique grief journey.

Misconception 14: You should try not to think about the person who completed suicide on holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays.

As with all things in grief, trying not to think about something that your heart and soul are nudging you to think about is a bad idea. On special occasions such as holidays, anniversaries such as wedding dates and the day the person died, and your birthday or the birthday of the person who died, it’s natural for your grief to well up inside of you and spill overÑeven long after the death itself.

It may seem logical that if you can only avoid thinking about the person who died on these special daysÑmaybe you can cram your day so tight that you don’t have a second to spareÑthen you can avoid some heartache. What I would ask you is this: Where does that heartache go if you don’t let it out when it naturally arises? It doesn’t disappear. It simply bides its time, patiently at first, then urgently, like a caged animal pacing behind bars.

No doubt you have some family and friends who may attempt to perpetuate this misconception. Actually, they are really trying to protect themselves in the name of protecting you.

While you may feel particularly sad and vulnerable during these times, remember Ð these feelings are honest expressions of the real you. Whatever you do, don’t overextend yourself during these times. Don’t feel you have to shop, bake, entertain, send cards, etc. if you’re not feeling up to it.

Instead of avoiding these days, you may want to commemorate the life of the person who died by doing something he or she would have appreciated. On his birthday, what could you do to honor his special passions? On the anniversary of her death, what could you do to remember her life? You might want to spend these times in the company of people who help you feel safe and cared for.

Misconception 15: After someone you love completes suicide, the goal should be to “get over” your grief as soon as possible.

You may already have heard the question, “Are you over it yet?” Or, even worse, be told, “Well, you should be over it by now!” To think that as a human being you “get over” your grief is ludicrous! You don’t get over it, you learn to live with it. You learn to integrate it into your life and into the fabric of your being. Suffice it to say that you never “get over” your grief. As you become willing to do the work of your mourning, however, you can and will become reconciled to it. Unfortunately, when the people around you think you have to get over your grief, they set you up to fail. Actually the more you try to get over your suicide grief, the more you sabotage your healing.

Misconception16: Nobody can help you with your grief.

We have all heard people say, “Nobody can help you but yourself.” Or you may have been told since childhood, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” Yet, in reality, perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out for help from others.

Think of it this way: Grieving and mourning may be the hardest work you have ever done. And hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand. Life’s greatest challenges Ð getting through school, raising children, and pursuing a career Ð are in many ways team efforts. So it should be with mourning.

Sharing your pain with others won’t make it disappear, but it will, over time, make it more bearable. By definition, mourning (i.e., the outward expression of grief) requires that you get support from sources outside of yourself. Reaching out for help also connects you to other people and strengthens the bonds of love that make life seem worth living again.

Misconception 17: When grief and mourning are finally reconciled, they never come up again.

Oh, if only this were so. As your experience has probably already taught you, grief comes in and out like waves from the ocean. Sometimes when you least expect it, a huge wave comes along and pulls your feet right out from under you.

Sometimes heightened periods of sadness overwhelm us when we’re in griefÑeven years after the death. These times can seem to come out of nowhere and can be frightening and painful. Something as simple as a sound, a smell, or phrase can bring on what I call “griefbursts.” My friend Ken loved the Wisconsin Badgers football team. Every time I see something on TV about that team I have a griefburst.

Allow yourself to experience griefbursts without shame or self-judgment, no matter where or when they occur. Sooner or later, one will probably happen when you’re surrounded by other people, maybe even strangers. If you would feel more comfortable, retreat to somewhere more private, or go see someone you know who will understand, when these strong feelings surface.

You will always, for the rest of your life, feel some grief over this death. It will no longer dominate your life, but it will always be there, in the background, reminding you about the love you had for the person who died.

Keep in mind that the misconceptions about grief and mourning explored in this chapter are certainly not all the misconceptions about suicide grief and mourning.

When surrounded by people who believe these misconceptions, you will probably feel a heightened sense of isolation. If the people who are closest to you are unable to emotionally and spiritually support you without judging you, seek out others who can. Usually, the ability to be supportive without judging is most developed in people who have been on a grief journey themselves and are willing to be with you during this difficult time. When you are surrounded by people who can distinguish the misconceptions of grief from the realities, you can and will experience the healing you deserve.

Now that we’ve reviewed the common misconceptions of grief, let’s wrap up this article by listing some of the “conceptions.” These are some realities you can hold onto as you journey toward healing.

Realistic Expectations for Grieving and Mourning

You will naturally grieve, but you will probably have to make a conscious effort to mourn.
Your grief and mourning will involve a wide variety of different thoughts and feelings.
Your grief and mourning will impact you in all five realms of experience: physical; emotional; cognitive; social; and spiritual.
You need to feel it to heal it.

Healing Your Traumatized Heart: Seeking Safety, Understanding, and Peace

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Part Two

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

In Part One, I introduced the concept of traumatic grief and its natural overlap with the condition known as PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. While you may not be suffering from full-blown PTSD, the nature of your loss is still traumatic and you are deserving of special care and attention, from yourself as well as others.

I also said that if you are able to muster the courage to actively mourn, you will eventually integrate this profound loss into your life, all the time realizing you have been forever transformed and changed by it. And, honoring your need to mourn will eventually allow you to love and live again.

This article presents several self-care suggestions for the early weeks and months of your grief. In later articles I will share additional mourning tips and self-care principles.

Seek safety and comfort

After a traumatic experience, it’s natural to feel vulnerable, unsafe and anxious. Your nervous system is telling your brain that the world isn’t a safe place right now. Something violent has happened and, you naturally think, it could happen again.

To overcome your trauma, you must locate yourself among people and in places that make you feel safe. If this means moving in with a friend or relative temporarily, that’s OK. If this means avoiding certain places or people, that’s OK, too.

What calms and comforts you? Taking a walk? Cuddling with someone you love? Hugging your pet? Relaxing in the tub? Yoga or meditation or prayer? Identify activities that soothe you and turn to them when your anxiety is high.

You will not be able to mourn if you feel unsafe or overly anxious. Seek safety and comfort first, then you can begin to slowly embrace your grief.

Allow for numbness.

Feelings of shock, numbness and disbelief are nature’s way of temporarily protecting us from the full reality of a sudden, violent death. They help us survive our early grief. We often think, “I will wake up and this will not have happened.” Mourning can feel like being in a dream. Your emotions simply need time to catch up with what your mind has been told.

Trauma loss often goes beyond what we consider “normal” shock. In fact, you may experience what is called “psychic numbing”Ñthe deadening or shutting off of emotions. Your sense that “this isn’t happening to me” may persist for months, sometimes even years. Don’t set rigid expectations for yourself and your ability to function “normally” in the world around you.

Think of shock and numbness as a bandage that your psyche has placed over your wound. The bandage protects the wound until it has become less open and raw. Only after healing has begun and a scab forms is the bandage removed and the wound openly exposed to the world.

Consider yourself in “emotional intensive care.”

Something catastrophic has happened in your life. Something assaulting to the very core of your being. Something excruciatingly painful. Your spirit has been deeply injured. Just as your body cannot be expected to recover immediately from a brutal attack, neither can your psyche.

Imagine that you’ve suffered a severe physical injury and are in your hospital’s intensive care unit. Your friends and family surround you with their presence and love. The medical staff attends to you constantly. Your body rests and recovers.

This is the kind of care you need and deserve right now. The blow you have suffered is no less devastating than this imagined physical injury. Allow others to take care of you. Ask for their help. Give yourself as much resting time as possible. Take time off work. Let household chores slide. In the early weeks and months after the death, don’t expect – indeed, don’t try – to carry on with your normal routine.

Be aware that your grief affects your body, heart, mind, social self, and spirit.

Grief is physically demanding. This is especially true with traumatic grief. Your body responds to the stress of the encounter and the immune system can weaken. You may be more susceptible to illness and physical discomforts. You may also feel lethargic, weak or highly fatigued. You may not be sleeping well and you may have no appetite. Your stomach may hurt. Your chest may ache.

The emotional toll of grief is complex and painful. You may feel many different feelings, and those feelings can shift and blur over time.

Your abilities to think, reason, and remember will likely be affected by your traumatic grief, as well, especially in the early weeks and months.

Bereavement also naturally results in social discomfort. Friends and family may withdraw from you, leaving you isolated and unsupported.

You may ask yourself, “Why go on living?” “Will my life have meaning now?” “Where is God in this?” Spiritual questions such as these are natural and necessary but also draining.

Basically, your grief may affect every aspect of your life. Nothing may feel “normal” right now. If this is true for you, don’t be alarmed. Just trust that in time, you will find peace and comfort again.

Until next time, remember above all to practice self-compassion. Care for yourself “with passion” and seek out others who will help care for you and listen to you without judgment.

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., C.T. is an internationally noted author, educator, and grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine.

Recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s Death Educator Award, Alan is committed to helping people mourn well so they can live well and love well. Among his many books on healing in grief are Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart and Healing Your Traumatized Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Someone You Love Dies a Sudden, Violent Death. For more information on Dr. Wolfelt and his books and seminars, visit www.centerforloss.com .

Healing Your Traumatized Heart: Seeking Safety, Understanding, and Peace

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Part One

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Someone you love has died a sudden, traumatic death.

If you are in the early days of your grief journey, you are likely still feeling numbed by shock and disbelief. This is a normal and necessary step, for it is natureÕs way of protecting you from the full force of the loss all at once. You will embrace the reality, in doses and over time, as you are ready. If you have journeyed longer and further into the wilderness of your grief, you may be struggling with profound anger, despair, and other emotions. These feelings, too, are normal and necessary. In fact, whatever you are feeling, and no matter where you are in your grief journey, your feelings are not right or wrongÑthey simply are. Embracing them and expressing them are your tasks on the path that leads to healing.

You may have found that you are struggling with both the traumatic nature of the death and your grief over this overwhelming loss. For purposes of this article, trauma can be defined as an event of such intensity, brutality, or magnitude of horror that it would overwhelm any human being’s capacity to cope. You have been traumatized, which is essentially a normal response to an extreme event.

SIDEBAR:
Trauma: An injury; something hurtful. The wounding of your emotions, your spirit, your beliefs about yourself and the world, your will to live, your dignity, your sense of security.

Naturally, traumatized mourners often find themselves replaying and reconsidering over and over the circumstances of the death. This is both normal and necessary. Such replay helps you begin to acknowledge the reality of the death and integrate it into your life. It is as if your mind needs to devote time and energy to comprehending the circumstances of the death before it can move on to confronting the fact that someone you love has died and will never be present to you again.

Post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is a term used to describe the psychological condition that survivors of sudden, violent death sometimes experience. People with PTSD often have nightmares or scary thoughts about the terrible experience they or their loved one went through. They try to stay away from anything that reminds them of the frightening experience. They often feel angry and are unable to care about or trust other people. They are often on the lookout for danger and get very upset when something happens without warning. Their anxiety level is continually high. The more you learn about trauma and PTSD, the more you will have some sense of control at a time when you naturally feel out of control. Knowledge is one of the best antidotes to anxiety, fear and depression.

If you think you may be experiencing PTSD, talk to your family doctor or a compassionate grief counselor. You may need counseling and/or medication for a time to help you feel safer and cope with your day-to-day life. You will need to get help for your PTSD before you can deal with grief and mourning.

It may be helpful for you to know that your response to trauma and the potential onset of PTSD symptoms has more to do with the intensity and duration of the stressful event in your life than with your personality. Don’t think you are “weak” because this traumatic event and its repercussions have overwhelmed your coping resources. Don’t feel ashamed if you need professional help. Often it is in acknowledging our helplessness that we ultimately become helpful to ourselves.

But many of you are traumatized without having full-blown PTSD. You may have anxiety and anger. You may think about the circumstances of the death a lot. You may be in great pain. But if you are still able to function in your daily life and interact lovingly with others, you may not have the actual disorder called PTSD. Still, you are traumatized and in need of special care and consideration, both from yourself and from others.

SIDEBAR:
Psychic numbing or acute aftershock:
Diminished or absent capacity to feel; a form of heightened shock that should be perceived as a healthy response to overwhelming stress. Provides insulation from self and the outside world. This is a normal response to an abnormal event.

The traumatic nature of the death and your thoughts and feelings about it will color every aspect of your grief. It is part of your grief. But it is not the totality of your grief. Other factors that contribute to your grief include the nature of the relationship you had with the person who died, your unique personality, your religious and cultural backgrounds, your gender, your age, your previous experiences with loss, as well as others. Your grief is a complicated blend of thoughts and emotions, most of which stem from your love for the person who died. Over time you will come to find that your grief is as much or more about the life than it is about the death.

Know this: If you are able to muster the courage to actively mourn, you will heal. And you will eventually love and live again. Remember, you are not alone, and there are no rewards for speed. Millions of others have not only survived the traumatic death of a loved one, they’ve chosen to truly live. Find ways to reach out to these people. Find ways to share your experience. Find ways to make connections.

In Part Two of this article, I will present several ideas to help you mourn and journey toward healing. In the meantime, God bless you. I hope we meet one day.

Helping SIDS Survivors Heal

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

How Can You Help?

A friend or family member has experienced Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). You want to help, but are not sure how to go about it. This article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into actions.

Educate Yourself About SIDS

A vital part of helping SIDS survivors is to educate yourself about the syndrome. The term itself can be difficult to comprehend. Why? Because it is really a non-definition. This clinical-sounding term doesn’t describe what doctors know, but, instead, what they don’t know. For example, a formal definition of SIDS is: the sudden death of any infant which is unexpected by history, and in which a detailed exam after death fails to find an adequate cause for the death. Essentially, no one knows what causes these deaths.

What we do know is that each year in the United States over 7,000 families experience the death of their babies to SIDS. These sudden deaths occur in apparently healthy infants, almost always while the child is asleep. This experience creates an overwhelming crisis for parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, other family members and friends.

Learning a Few More Facts

* SIDS is not hereditary. There is no greater chance for it to occur in one family than in another.

* SIDS is not caused by aspiration, regurgitation, or suffocation.

* SIDS and apnea (cessation of breathing) are two different things. Do not assume that if the baby had been on a breathing monitor, she would not have died. Remember-SIDS cannot be predicted or prevented.

* SIDS is slightly more common in the winter months, but occurs at any time of the year.

* Birth control pills do not cause SIDS.

Learning these and other facts about SIDS can help prevent harmful accusations.

Accept the Intensity of the Grief

Grief following a SIDS death is always complex. The infant has died at a time when the family is very focused on caring for him or her. The lack of knowledge about SIDS often adds to the trauma. All too often a SIDS death is not socially supported in the way other deaths are.

Some people fail to realize that despite the shortness of the infant’s life, the family’s feelings of love for him have existed since conception. Survivors are confronted with mourning not only the immediate death, but also the loss of hopes and dreams for the child’s future.

Don’t be surprised by the intensity of their feelings. Sometimes when family members least suspect it, they may be overwhelmed by grief. Accept that survivors may be struggling with feelsings of guilt, anger and fear well beyond those experienced after other types of deaths. Be patient, compassionate and understanding.

Absence of Cause Complicates the Grief

With SIDS, the lack of a definitive cause of death makes it especially difficult for families to understand what has happened. Not knowing what caused the death, both adults and children naturally assume responsibility and guilt, even though nothing they did or didn’t do caused the death. Try to listen patiently as families explore their “If only’s” and “Why didn’t we’s.”

Legal System Complicates the Grief

Because SIDS is sudden and has no known cause, families may be confronted with an onslaught of questions from emergency medical personnel, hospital workers, medical examiners and sometimes the police. Of course, these questions are asked in an effort to protect the interests of the child, yet they can leave parents wondering if they were at fault. This necessary, but painful experience, if handled inappropriately, may place additional guilt and trauma on the family.

Listen With Your Heart

Helping begins with your ability to be an active listener. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judgment are critical helping tools. Willingness to listen is the best way to offer help to someone who needs to talk.

The SIDS survivors’s thoughts and feelings may be frightening and difficult for you to acknowledge. Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on the words being shared with you. Do use the baby’s name when you talk about the death, however. For survivors, hearing the name can be comforting, and it helps confirm that the baby was not just a baby, but an important person in their lives.

Your friend or family member may tell the same story about the death over and over again. Listen attentively each time. Realize that repetition is part of the healing process. Simply listen and understand. And, remember, you don’t have to have the answer.

Avoid Simplistic Explanations and Clichés

Clichés, though they are often intended to diminish the pain of loss, can be extremely painful for survivors of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Comments like, “You can have another baby,” “They died young and avoided life’s hurts” and “Think of what you still have to be thankful for” are not constructive. Instead, they hurt and make a friend’s journey through grief more difficult.

Instead of simplistic explanations, familiarize yourself with the wide spectrum of emotions your friend or family member may experience. Allow the person to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain that he or she is feeling at the time. And recognize that tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with the death of the infant.

Remember That Siblings Mourn, Too

Often ignored is the grief of siblings. Why? Because adults have an instinct to protect children from painful realities. Yet any child old enough to love is old enough to mourn.

When a child’s brother or sister dies, another young person has died. So, for a child, confronting this reality can mean confronting the possibility of one’s own death. Be prepared to honestly but reassuringly answer questions such as, “Will I die, too?”

Also, don’t expect young people to acknowledge the reality of death in the same way adults do. Many children naturally embrace the reality slowly and may at times seem indifferent. Typically, the full sense of loss does not come about until several months after the death.

Offer Practical Help

Preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house or answering the telephone are just a few practical ways to show you care. And, just as your presence is needed, this support is helpful at the time of the death and in the weeks and months ahead.

Your presence at the funeral is important. As a ritual, the funeral provides an opportunity for you to express your love and concern. At the funeral, a touch of your hand, a look in your eye or even a hug often communicates more than any words could ever say.

Don’t just attend the funeral, then disappear. Be sure to remain available afterwards as well. Remember, your grieving friend or family member may need you more in the days or weeks after the funeral than at the time of the death. A brief visit or a telephone call in the days that follow are usually appreciated.

Be Aware of Support Groups

Support groups are one of the best ways to help families who have experienced SIDS. In a group, survivors can connect with other people who share their experience. They are allowed and encouraged to tell their stories as much, and as often, as they like. Sharing the pain won’t make it disappear, but it can ease any concerns that what one is experiencing is crazy, or somehow bad. You may be able to help survivors locate such a group. This practical effort on your part will be appreciated.

Understanding the Importance of the Loss

Remember that the death of a child to SIDS is a shattering experience. As a result of this death, your friend’s life is under reconstruction. Be gentle and compassionate in all of your helping efforts.

“While the above guidelines in this brochure will be helpful, it is important to recognize that helping others after a SIDS death will not be an easy task. You may have to give more of your concern, time and love than you ever knew you had. But this effort will be more than worth it. As a “helping friend,” you need to join with other caring persons to provide support and acceptance for people who need to grieve in healthy ways.”

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Center for Loss and Life Transition

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping Your Family When a Member is Seriously Ill

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

You have learned that someone in your family is seriously ill. You want to help the ill preson as well as your family. This article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into positive actions.

The Shock of the News

Learning that someone in your family is seriously ill is a blow to everyone the news touches. We sometimes think this only happens in other families, but now it is happening to yours. If the onset of the illness was sudden or unexpected, you and the rest of your family will likely feel shock and numbness at first. This is a natural and necessary response to painful news.

You can only cope with this new reality in doses. You will first come to understand it in your head, and only over the weeks and even months to come will you come to understand it with your heart.

Be Aware of Your Family’s Coping Style

How you and your family respond to this illness will have a lot to do with how you as a family have related in the past. If your family is used to openly talking about their feelings with each other, they will probably be able to communicate well about the illness and the changes it brings. Families in which people don’t talk about feelings and tend to deal with problems individually will probably have difficulty acknowledging the illness and its impact.

If you are reading this brochure, you are already taking steps to acknowledge the illness in your family. You may have found some family members want to discuss the illness, while others seem to want to to deny the reality and refuse to discuss it. Right now your family may feel like a pressure cooker: you all have a high need to feel understood, but little capacity to be understanding.

Adjust to Changing Roles

Families sometimes have a hard time adjusting to the changing roles the illness makes necessary. If the head of the household is sick, the other spouse may now have to find a job in addition to caring for the home and children, for example. If grandma acted as the family’s binding force before she was ill, her family may now feel confused and disjointed where they once felt strong and cohesive.

Such changes can alter the ways in which family members interact with each other. They may be short-tempered, overly dependent, stoic or any number of other things.

Consider Getting Outside Help

Perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for your family during this stressful time is to reach out for help on their behalf. If someone in your family is caring for the sick person at home, consider hiring a homecare nurse instead. Have groceries delivered. Hire a housekeeper to come in twice a month. Your church or other community organization might be able to provide volunteers to help you with any number of tasks. And family counseling can be a healing, enriching experience that helps family members understand one another now and long after the illness.

Encourage Open Communication, But Do Not Force It

As caring family members, we should encourage honest communication among the sick person, caregivers, family and friends. However, we should never force it. Children will naturally “dose” themselves as they encounter the reality of the illness in their life. They aren’t able to take in all the information at once, nor will they want to.

What the Seriously Ill Person May be Feeling

Experiencing illness affects a person’s head, heart and spirit. While you wouldn’t want to prescribe what they might feel, do be aware that sick people may experience a variety of emotions. Fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, sadness and loneliness are just a few of the emotions they may feel-one at a time or simultaneously.

These feelings are a natural response to serious illness. Your role as caring family member should be to listen to the sick person’s thoughts and feelings without trying to change them. If she is sad, she is sad. Don’t try to take that necessary emotion away from her. If she is angry or guilty, that’s OK too. You may be tempted to soothe or deny her painful feelings, but a more helpful response is to simply acknowledge them. Listen and understand.

Learn About the Illness

You will be better equipped to help your family member if you take it upon yourself to learn about her illness. Visit your local library and consult the medical reference books. Request information from educational associations, such as the National Cancer Institute or the American Heart Association. With the patient’s permission, you might also talk to his physician.

If you educate yourself about the illness and its treatments, you will be a more understanding listener when the sick person wants to talk. You will also be able to help the family as a whole better understand what is happening.

Help Family Members Tend to their Own Needs

When a family member is seriously ill, he or she becomes the focal point for the family. Suddenly everyone is concerned about that one person and her survival. This is normal, yet it places a great physical and emotional burden on everyone involved.

Family members should not lose sight of their own needs during this difficult time. Encourage everyone to nurture themselves as well as the sick person. Get enough rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten schedules as much as possible.

Though the family is experiencing a serious time, they should still give themselves permission to be happy. Plan fun events. Take vacations, together or separately. Allow time to laugh, love and enjoy life.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your family’s life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Singly or together, you may find comfort and hope in reading spiritual texts, attending religious services or praying. Allow yourselves to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If some among you are angry at God because of the illness, realize that this is a normal and natural response. Try not to be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings each of you needs to explore.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

The Spiritual Path to Healing: An Introduction

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

After the death of someone loved, you are “torn apart” and have some very unique needs. Among these needs is to nurture yourself in five important areas: physically, emotionally, cognitively, socially, and spiritually. In the coming months, this column will focus on nurturing yourself in the spiritual realm.

When someone we love dies, it is like a deep hole implodes inside of us. It’s as if the hole penetrates us and leaves us gasping for air. I have always said we mourn life losses from the inside out. In my experience, it is only when we are spiritually nurtured (inside and outside) that we discover the courage to mourn openly and honestly.

To integrate spiritual practices into your life demands a reminder that:

Spirituality invites you to slow down and turn inward.
Spirituality invites you to feel deeply and to believe passionately.
Spirituality invites you to get to know your authentic self.
Spirituality invites you to celebrate diversity.
Spirituality invites you to be open to the mystery.

To practice spiritual self-care doesn’t mean you are feeling sorry for yourself. Rather, it means you are allowing yourself to have the courage to pay attention to your special needs. For it is in spiritually nurturing ourselves, in allowing ourselves the time and loving attention we need to journey through our grief, that we find meaning in our continued living. That is why, if I could, I would encourage all of us when we are in the midst of grief to put down “Nurture my spirit” first on our daily to-do lists.

The Mosaic World We Live In

Perhaps you have noticed that our world has gotten much smaller religiously in the last fifty years. Eastern religions and spiritual practices arrived in the United States and Canada a little more than 150 years ago. Then, in the 1960s, we saw books, lectures, and workshops from folks like Thich Nhat Hanh and Ram Dass, who invited us Westerners to explore Eastern spiritual practices. This influx of Eastern traditions and practices created new life to spirituality in North America.

While our differences still define us, our potential to borrow meaningful spiritual practices from each other unites us. The great equalizerÑdeathÑinvites us to be enriched by learning from each other.

As you read this article, while I encourage you to nurture yourself spiritually, I recognize that spirituality and religiosity are not synonymous. In some people’s lives they overlap completely; their religious life is their spiritual life. Other people have a rich spiritual life with few or no ties to an organized religion. Obviously, each of us needs to define our own spirituality in the depths of our own hearts and minds. The paths we choose will be our own, discovered through self-examination, reflection, and spiritual transformation.

My Personal Journey and the “Switch”

When grief and loss have touched my life, I have discovered that my own personal source of spirituality anchors me, allowing me to put my life into perspective. For me, spirituality involves a sense of connection to all things in nature, God, and the world at large.

Someone with some wisdom once observed, “Spirituality is like a switch. Everybody has one; it’s just that not everyone has it turned on.” Sometimes, experiences of grief and loss can turn off our switch. We are human and sometimes our switches feel stuck, or worse yet, nonexistent. Our “divine spark”Ñthat which gives life meaning and purposeÑfeels like it has been muted.

My switch is turned on when I live from a desire to see a loving God in the everyday. In the midst of grief, I can still befriend hope, and the most ordinary moment can feed my soul. Spirituality is anchored in faith, which is expecting goodness even in the worst of times. It is not about fear, which is expecting the worst even in the best of times.

Spirituality reminds you to understand that you can and will integrate losses into your life, see the goodness in others, and know that there are many pathways to Heaven.

The Openness of a Child

If you have doubt about your capacity to connect with God and the world around you, try to approach the world with the openness of a child. Embrace the pleasure that comes from the simple sights, smells, and sounds that greet your senses.

I truly believe that acknowledging your heart is broken is the beginning of your healing. As you experience the pain of your lossÑgently opening, acknowledging and allowingÑthe suffering it has wrought diminishes but never completely vanishes. In fact, the resistance to the pain can potentially be more painful than the pain itself. As difficult as it is, we must relinquish ourselves to the pain of grief. As Helen Keller said, “The only way to the other side is through.”

Yet, going through the pain of loss is not in and of itself the goal in our grief journey. Instead, it is rediscovering life in ways that give us reason to get our feet out of bed and to make life matter. I’m certain you realize that the death of someone precious to you is not something you will ever “overcome” or “let go of.” The death of someone we have given love to and received love from doesn’t call out to be “resolved” or “explained,” but to be experienced.

In the months to come, I will share with you a number of spiritual practices that may help you heal your grieving heart. I grew up in a traditional faith community; I watched and learned from a variety of people whose “switches” appeared to be in the on position. I have come to appreciate what some might term more “traditional” practices, as well as some “non-traditional” practices. I have observed the simple yet lovely ways different people connect with the Divine. I have tried to integrate into my daily life those practices that seem to really connect for me.

As you explore the practices in search of those that might be helpful to you in your grief journey, ask yourself: what broadens my perspective and deepens my faith? What brings me some peace and calms my fears? What deepens my connection with other people, to God, to the world, and to my essential self?

The Spiritual Path to Healing: Mourning Ideas, Part 4

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Create.

Get in touch with the Creator by creating. Make something that expresses your feelings or honors the loss you are mourning.
Is there a creative activity that you find you lose yourself inâ€”that you get so involved in that you lose all track of time and place and you become immersed in your creative process? If so, that’s the kind of activity you want to do now.
Write. Paint. Sew. Scrapbook. Knit. Garden. Cook. Play an instrument. Decorate. Organize. All of these activities are forms of creation. Pick one that moves you.

Carpe Diem
Make something today.

Pray With Prayer Beads.

Prayer beads are used in a number of faith traditions, including Islam, Catholicism, Budhhism, Hinduism and Baha’i.
The person who is praying fingers the beads as he prays, and uses the pattern and number of the beads to keep track of which prayers and how many he has offered up.
The repetitive motion of fingering the beads calms the mind and soothes the soul as the words of the prayer or the chant send your spiritual intentions into the beyond.
If you do not strictly follow a specific religious doctrine, you may be interested in trying prayer beads as part of your spiriutal practice. In his book Simply Pray, universalist minister Erik Walker Wikstrom suggests a modern prayer that uses a set of 28 beads. The practice includes centering and entering-in prayers, breath prayers, and prayers of Naming, Knowing, Listening and Loving. “Prayer beads are mobile alters,” says Wikstrom.

Carpe Diem
If you don’t already have prayer beads, stop by a bead shop today and learn about buying or making a prayer strand.

Forgive.

You may be harboring some spiteful feelings about the death of someone loved. Perhaps you are angry at a medical caregiver. Maybe you’re upset at friends and family who haven’t been there for you in your time of need. Maybe you are mad at the person who died.
Forgiveness is an act of surrender. If you surrender your resentment, you are freeing yourself of a very heavy load. You are surrendering your human feelings of judgment to the only One who is truly in a position to judge. Don’t go to your own grave angry.
Forgive. Write letters of forgiveness if this will help you unburden yourself, even if you never send the letters.
And while you’re at it, don’t forget to forgive yourself. Self-recrimination is negative energy. If you did something wrong, acknowledge, apologize, and forgive.
This Idea calls to mind this poem by William Arthur Ward, an American pastor and teacher:

Before you speak, listen.
Before you write, think.
Before you spend, earn.
Before you invest, investigate.
Before you criticize, wait.
Before you pray, forgive.
Before you quit, try.
Before you retire, save.
Before you die, give.

Carpe Diem
Today, call or stop by to visit someone you’ve been holding a grudge against. Tell this person you’ve missed her company and would like to catch up.

Use a Singing Bowl..

Singing bowls are used as part of Eastern spiritual traditions as part of the meditation and prayer rituals. While they are made and used throughout Asia, the best-known types are from the Himalayas and are often called Tibetan singing bowls.
Made of bronze and other metals, the bowls range in size from very small to very large. They “sing” when the user rubs a wooden mallet around the rim. Good quality bowls produce a harmonic tone.
Place the bowl on a surface in front of you and strike the rim lightly with the mallet. Listen to the bell tone. Now try rubbing the mallet in a circular motion around the bowl’s rim. Can you make it sing?
Some singing bowl practitioners recommend that you lie down and place the bowl on your chest. This brings the sound close to your ears but also allows you to feel the vibrations throughout your body.
The singing bowl’s tone may help you relax and focus during meditation. It is also thought that the physical vibrations of the sound waves massage your body’s cells and organs and release energy blockages.

Carpe Diem
Place a photo of a person you mourn in the singing bowl. As the bowl sings, imagine that the sound is carrying your loving thoughts to the person who died. See if you can hear back what the person might say to you.

Allow Yourself to Receive.

Many of us are better at giving than receiving. Yet, there is a reciprocal relationship between the two. In order to receive, we must give. And in order to give, we must receive.
Select a supportive friend to assist you with the following. Sit across from your friend. Be silent for two to three minutes, then have your friend tell you something they admire or appreciate about you. Be receptive.
Take in what your friend shares with an open heart. Notice where you are uncomfortable or find yourself wanting to discount what your friend says.
Breathe deeply for a minute as you continue to open yourself to this gift of receiving. Sit with it until you can fully accept this verbal gift. Show your gratitude by nonverbally saying thank you.

Carpe Diem
Carry out the same process outlined above for your friend. Then repeat the process, going to a deeper level of truth. Observe how your connection and bond with your friend increases. As you learn to receive and give, the separation between giver and receiver disappears.

Helping Teenagers Cope With Grief

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Teenagers Mourn Too

Each year thousands of teenagers experience the death of someone they love. When a parent, sibling, friend or relative dies, teens feel the overwhelming loss of a someone who helped shape their fragile self-identities. And these feelings about the death become a part of their lives forever.

Caring adults, whether parents, teachers, counselors or friends, can help teens during this time. If adults are open, honest and loving, experiencing the loss of someone loved can be a chance for young people to learn about both the joy and pain that comes from caring deeply for others.

Many Teens are Told to “Be Strong”

Sad to say, many adults who lack understanding of their experience discourage teens from sharing their grief. Bereaved teens give out all kinds of signs that they are struggling with complex feelings, yet are often pressured to act as if they are doing better than they really are.

When a parent dies, many teens are told to “be strong” and “carry on” for the surviving parent. They may not know if they will survive themselves, let alone be able to support someone else. Obviously, these kinds of conflicts hinder the “work of mourning.”

Teen Years Can be Naturally Difficult

Teens are no longer children, yet neither are they adults. With the exception of infancy, no developmental period is so filled with change as adolescence. Leaving the security of childhood, the adolescent begins the process of separation from parents. The death of a parent or sibling, then, can be a particularly devastating experience during this already difficult period.

At the same time the bereaved teen is confronted by the death of someone loved, he or she also faces psychological, physiological and academic pressures. While teens may begin to look like “men” or “women,” they will still need consistent and compassionate support as they do the “work of mourning,” because physical development does not always equal emotional maturity.

Teens Often Experience Sudden Deaths

The grief that teens experience often comes suddenly and unexpectedly. A parent may die of a sudden heart attack, a brother or sister may be killed in an auto accident, or a friend may commit suicide. The very nature of these deaths often results in a prolonged and heightened sense of unreality.

Feeling dazed or numb when someone loved dies is often part of the grieving teen’s early experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives their emotions time to catch up with what their mind has been told. This feeling helps insulate them from the reality of the death until they are more able to tolerate what they don’t want to believe.

Support May Be Lacking

Many people assume that adolescents have supportive friends and family who will be continually available to them. In reality, this may not be true at all. The lack of available support often relates to the social expectations placed on the teen.

They are usually expected to be “grown up” and support other members of the family, particularly a surviving parent and/or younger brothers and sisters. Many teens have been told, “Now, you will have to take care of your family.” When an adolescent feels a responsibility to “care for the family,” he or she does not have the opportunity-or the permission-to mourn.

Sometimes we assume that teenagers will find comfort from their peers. But when it comes to death, this may not be true. Many bereaved teens are greeted with indifference by their peers. It seems that unless friends have experienced grief themselves, they project their own feelings of helplessness by ignoring the subject of loss entirely.

As we strive to assist bereaved teens, we should keep in mind that many of them are in environments that do not provide emotional support. They may turn to friends and family only to be told to “get on with life.”

Relationship Conflicts May Exist

As teens strive for their independence, relationship conflicts with family members often occur. A normal, though trying way in which teens separate from their parents is by going through a period of devaluation.

If a parent dies while the adolescent is emotionally and physically pushing the parent away, there is often a sense of guilt and “unfinished business.” While the need to create distance is normal, we can easily see how this complicates the experience of mourning.

We know that most adolescents experience difficult times with their parents and siblings. The conflicts result from the normal process of forming an identity apart from their family. Death, combined with the turbulence of teen-parent and sibling relationships, can make for a real need to “talk-out” what their relationship was like with the person who died.

Signs a Teen May Need Extra Help

As we have discussed, there are many reasons why healthy grieving can be especially difficult for teenagers. Some grieving teens may even behave in ways that seem inappropriate or frightening. Be on the watch for:

symptoms of chronic depression, sleeping difficulties, restlessness and low self esteem.
academic failure or indifference to school-related activities
deterioration of relationships with family and friends
risk-taking behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse, fighting, and sexual experimentation
denying pain while at the same time acting overly strong or mature

To help a teen who is having a particularly hard time with his or loss, explore the full spectrum of helping services in your community. School counselors, church groups and private therapists are appropriate resources for some young people, while others may just need a little more time and attention from caring adults like you. The important thing is that you help the grieving teen find safe and nurturing emotional outlets at this difficult time.

A Caring Adult’s Role

How adults respond when someone loved dies has a major effect on the way teens react to the death. Sometimes adults don’t want to talk about the death, assuming that by doing so, young people will be spared some of the pain and sadness. However, the reality is very simple: teens grieve anyway.

Teens often need caring adults to confirm that it’s all right to be sad and to feel a multitude of emotions when someone they love dies. They also usually need help understanding that the hurt they feel now won’t last forever. When ignored, teens may suffer more from feeling isolated than from the actual death itself. Worse yet, they feel all alone in their grief.

Be Aware of Support Groups

Peer support groups are one of the best ways to help bereaved teens heal. In a group, teens can connect with other teens who have experienced a loss. They are allowed and encouraged to tell their stories as much, and as often, as they like. In this setting most will be willing to acknowledge that death has resulted in their life being forever changed. You may be able to help teens find such a group. This practical effort on your part will be appreciated.

Understanding the Importance of the Loss

Remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience for an adolescent. As a result of this death, the teen’s life is under reconstruction. Consider the significance of the loss and be gentle and compassionate in all of your helping efforts.

Grief is complex. It will vary from teen to teen. Caring adults need to communicate to children that this feeling is not one to be ashamed of or hide. Instead, grief is a natural expression of love for the person who died.

For caring adults, the challenge is clear: teenagers do not choose between grieving and not grieving; adults, on the other hand, do have a choice — to help or not to help teens cope with grief.

With love and understanding, adults can support teens through this vulnerable time and help make the experience a valuable part of a teen’s personal growth and development.

While the guidelines in this article may help, it is important to recognize that helping a grieving teen will not be an easy task. You may have to give more concern, time and love than you ever knew you had. But this effort will be more than worth it.

By “walking with” a teen in grief, you are giving one of life’s most precious gifts — yourself.

Helping a Suicide Survivor Heal

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Historian Arnold Toynbee once wrote, “There are always two parties to a death; the person who dies and the survivors who are bereaved.” Unfortunately, many survivors of suicide suffer alone and in silence. The silence that surrounds them often complicates the healing that comes from being encouraged to mourn.

Because of the social stigma surrounding suicide, survivors feel the pain of the loss, yet may not know how, or where, or if, they should express it. Yet, the only way to heal is to mourn. Just like other bereaved persons grieving the loss of someone loved, suicide survivors need to talk, to cry, sometimes to scream, in order to heal.

As a result of fear and misunderstanding, survivors of suicide deaths are often left with a feeling of abandonment at a time when they desperately need unconditional support and understanding. Without a doubt, suicide survivors suffer in a variety of ways; one, because they need to mourn the loss of someone who has died; two, because they have experienced a sudden, typically unexpected traumatic death; and three, because they are often shunned by a society unwilling to enter into the pain of their grief.

How Can You Help?

If you want to help a friend or family member who has experienced the death of someone loved from suicide, this article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into positive action.

Accept the Intensity of the Grief

Grief following a suicide is always complex. Survivors don’t “get over it.” Instead, with support and understanding, they can come to reconcile themselves to its reality. Don’t be surprised by the intensity of their feelings. Sometimes, when they least suspect it, they may be overwhelmed by feelings of grief. Accept that survivors may be struggling with explosive emotions, guilt, fear and shame-all well beyond the limits experienced in other types of death. Be patient, compassionate and understanding.

Listen with Your Heart

Assisting suicide survivors means you must break down the terribly costly silence. Helping begins with your ability to be an active listener. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judgment are critical helping tools. Willingness to listen is the best way to offer help to someone who needs to talk.

Thoughts and feelings inside the survivor may be frightening and difficult to acknowledge. Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on the words that are being shared with you.

Your friend may relate the same story about the death over and over again. Listen attentively each time. Realize this repetition is part of your friend’s healing process. Simply listen and understand. And, remember, you don’t have to have the answers to his or her questions. Simply listening is enough.

Avoid Simplistic Explanations and Clichés

Words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful for a suicide survivor. Clichés are trite comments often intended to diminish the loss by providing simple solutions to difficult realities. Comments like, “You are holding up so well,” “Time will heal all wounds,” “Think of what you still have to be thankful for” or “You have to be strong for others” are not constructive. Instead, they hurt and make a friend’s journey through grief more difficult.

Be certain to avoid passing judgment or providing simplistic explanations of the suicide. Don’t make the mistake of saying the person who suicided was “out of his or her mind.” Informing a survivor that someone they loved was “crazy or insane” typically only complicates the situation. Suicide survivors need help in coming to their own search for understanding of what has happened. In the end, their personal search for meaning and understanding of the death is what is really important.

Be Compassionate

Give your friend permission to express his or her feelings without fear of criticism. Learn from your friend. Don’t instruct or set explanations about how he or she should respond. Never say, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Think about your helping role as someone who “walks with,” not “behind” or “in front of” the one who is bereaved.

Familiarize yourself with the wide spectrum of emotions that many survivors of suicide experience. Allow your friend to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain that he or she is feeling at the time. And recognize tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with the loss.

Respect the Need to Grieve

Often ignored in their grief are the parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, spouses and children of persons who have suicided. Why? Because of the nature of the death, it is sometimes kept a secret. If the death cannot be talked about openly, the wounds of grief will go unhealed.

As a caring friend, you may be the only one willing to be with the survivors. Your physical presence and permissive listening create a foundation for the healing process. Allow the survivors to talk, but don’t push them. Sometimes, you may get a cue to back off and wait. If you get a signal that this is what is needed, let them know you are ready to listen if, and when, they want to share their thoughts and feelings.

Understand the Uniqueness of Suicide Grief

Keep in mind that the grief of suicide survivors is unique. No one will respond to the death of someone loved in exactly the same way. While it may be possible to talk about similar phases shared by survivors, everyone is different and shaped by experiences in his or her life.

Because the grief experience is unique, be patient. The process of grief takes a long time, so allow your friend to proceed at his or her own pace. Don’t criticize what is inappropriate behavior. Remember that the death of someone to suicide is a shattering experience. As a result of this death, your friend’s life is under reconstruction.

Be Aware of Holidays and Anniversaries

Survivors of suicide may have a difficult time during special occasions like holidays and anniversaries. These events emphasize the absence of the person who has died. Respect this pain as a natural expression of the grief process. Learn from it. And, most importantly, never try to take the hurt away.

Use the name of the person who has died when talking to survivors. Hearing the name can be comforting and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important person who was so much a part of their lives.

Be Aware of Support Groups

Support groups are one of the best ways to help survivors of suicide. In a group, survivors can connect with other people who share the commonality of the experience. They are allowed and encouraged to tell their stories as much, and as often, as they like. You may be able to help survivors locate such a group. This practical effort on your part will be appreciated.

Respect Faith and Spirituality

If you allow them, a survivor of suicide will “teach you” about their feelings regarding faith and spirituality. If faith is a part of their lives, let them express it in ways that seem appropriate. If they are mad at God, encourage them to talk about it.

Remember, having anger at God speaks of having a relationship with God. Don’t be a judge, be a loving friend.

Survivors may also need to explore how religion may have complicated their grief. They may have been taught that persons who take their own lives are doomed to hell. Your task is not to explain theology, but to listen and learn. Whatever the situation, your presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools.

Work Together as Helpers

Friends and family who experience the death of someone to suicide must no longer suffer alone and in silence. As helpers, you need to join with other caring persons to provide support and acceptance for survivors who need to grieve in healthy ways.

To experience grief is the result of having loved. Suicide survivors must be guaranteed this necessity. While the above guidelines will be helpful, it is important to recognize that helping a suicide survivor heal will not be an easy task. You may have to give more concern, time and love than you ever knew you had. But this effort will be more than worth it.

Helping Your Family Personalize the Funeral

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

If you are in the midst of planning a funeral, you may be feeling overwhelmed right now. Many details must be attended to. Many people must be contacted. Many decisions must be made. Your natural and necessary feelings of grief make these tasks even more difficult.

Still, I encourage you to slow down, take a deep breath and focus on what is really important-what is essential-about the funeral you are planning. What is essential is the life that was lived and the impact that life had on family and friends. To honor that unique life, the funeral must also be unique. Over and over families tell me that the best funerals are those that are personalized.

Consider the unique life of the person who died

As you begin to think about personalizing the funeral, turn your thoughts to your memories of the person who died. Think about his or her qualities and what he or she meant to others. Consider his or her passions, hobbies, pastimes, likes, dislikes.

You might try making a list of the following:

attributes or passions of the person who died
special memories to share
achievements of the person who died
important people to include somehow

Personalize the elements of ceremony

Once you’ve given thought to the unique life and personality of the person who died, it’s time to incorporate those memories into the funeral plan. Be creative as you, together with your family, friends, funeral director and the person who will lead the service, brainstorm how to remember and honor this special person.

A good way to personalize the funeral is to personalize the common elements of funeral ceremonies:

the visitation
the eulogy
the music
the readings
the procession
the committal service
the gathering or reception

Each of these elements can be personalized in many ways. If you’re having a visitation, for example, you could set up a display of photos, memorabilia, collections or artwork. You could do the same at the gathering following the ceremony. Choose music that was meaningful to the person who died or to your family. Select poetry and other readings that speak to the life of this unique person. Ask the people who were closest to the person who died to participate by playing music, giving readings, being pallbearers, making food for the gathering-whatever suits their own unique talents.

The eulogy is especially important

When personalized, the eulogy (pronounced EWE-luh-jee) is perhaps the most memorable and healing element of the funeral ceremony. Also called the remembrance, the eulogy is the speech during the funeral ceremony that talks about the life and character of the person who died. The eulogy acknowledges the unique life of the person who died and affirms the significance of that life for all who shared in it.

More ideas for personalizing a funeral service

The funeral service you have should be as special as the life you will be remembering. Here are a few more ideas:

Write a personalized obituary. Some newspapers allow you to express a little more than the usual who/what/why/where/when. Appoint a creative “word” person in the family to handle this task.
Create a column in the guest book for people to jot down a memory after they sign their name.
Display personal items or hobby paraphernalia on a table at the visitation, the ceremony and/or the gathering afterwards.
Have more than one person deliver the eulogy. Ask several people to share memories and talk about different aspects of the person who died.
Choose clothing for the person who died that reflects his or her life, interests, passions, etc. The clothing needn’t be formal or somber!
Create a personalized program for the ceremony. You can include photos, poems, anecdotes-whatever you’d like! Your funeral director can help you with this.
Show a videotape or slide show of the person’s life during the funeral. Pictures tell a thousand words!
Ask children if they would like to write a letter or draw a picture for the person who died. Their “goodbyes” can then be placed in the casket alongside the body.
Select flowers that were meaningful to the person who died. A simple arrangement of freshly-cut lilacs, for example, might be perfect.
At the funeral, invite people to write down a memory of the person who died. Appoint someone to gather and read the memories aloud.
Create a funeral that captures the personality of the person who died. If he was zany, don’t be afraid to use humor. If she was affectionate, have everyone stand up and hug the person next to them during the ceremony.
Display photos of the person who died at the visitation, the ceremony and/or the gathering. In fact, putting together a photo collage can be a very healing experience for the family in the days before the funeral.
Use lots of music, especially if music was meaningful to the person who died or is to your family. Music can be played at the visitation, the committal service and the gathering as well as the funeral service itself!
Create a personalized grave marker. Include a poem, a drawing or a short phrase that defines the person who died.

A final word

I hope you have been encouraged in your efforts to create a personalized funeral ceremony. While it may seem overwhelming right now, I promise you this: a well-planned, inclusive, personalized funeral will touch your family, the friends of the person who died and you yourself deeply. The funeral will help you begin to heal and will provide you with great comfort and satisfaction in the months and years to come.

Related Resources

Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies: A Guide for Families (book)

The Spiritual Path to Healing: Mourning Ideas, Part 1

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Express Your Spirituality

Above all, mourning is a spiritual journey of the heart and soul. Grief and loss invite you to consider why people live, why people die, and what gives life meaning and purpose. These are the most spiritual questions we have language to form.
You can discover spiritual understanding in many ways and through many practicesâ€”prayer, worship, and meditation among them. You can nurture your spirituality in many placesâ€”nature, church, temple, mosque, monastery, retreat center, kitchen table among them. No one can “give” you spirituality from the outside in. Even when you gain spiritual understanding from a specific faith tradition, the understanding is yours alone, discovered through self-examination, reflection and spiritual transformation.
Mourning invites you down a spiritual path at once similar to that of others yet simultaneously your own. The reality that you have picked up this book shows that you are seeking to deepen your life with the Divine Mystery. Sometimes this happens within a faith tradition through its scriptures, community of believers and teachers. Other times a book is just what you need to support and gently guide you in ways that bring comfort and hope.

Carpe Diem:

If you attend a place of worship, visit it today, either for services or an informal time of prayer and solitude. If you don’t have a place of worship, perhaps you have a friend who seems spiritually grounded. Ask her how she learned to nurture her spirituality. Sometimes, someone else’s ideas and practices provide just what you need to stimulate your own spiritual self-care.

Name Your Gratitude & Count Your Blessings

When you are faced with loss, it can be difficult to feel a sense of gratitude in your life, yet gratitude prepares you for the blessings that are yet to come.
Many blessings may have already companioned you since your grief journey began. Somehow, and with grace, you have survived. Looking back, you may recognize the many supportive gestures, big and small, you were offered along the way.
When you fill your life with gratitude, you invoke a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you expect to happen can happen. For example, if you don’t expect anyone to support you in your grief, they often don’t. By contrast, if you anticipate support and nurturance, you will indeed find it.
Think of all you have to be thankful for. This is not to deny you your overwhelming loss and the need to mourn. However, you are being self-compassionate when you consider the things that make your life worth living, too. Reflect on your possibilities for joy and love each day. Honor those possibilities and have gratitude for them. Be grateful for your physical health and your beautiful spirit. Be grateful for your family and friends and the concern of strangers. Above all, be grateful for this very moment. When you are grateful, you prepare the way for inner peace.

Carpe Diem

Start keeping a gratitude journal. Each night before you go to bed, recount your blessings from the day. At first you may find this challenging, but as you continue this daily practice, it will get easier and more joyful.

Visit The Great Outdoors

During times of grief and loss, many people find it restorative and energizing to spend time in nature. Returning to the natural world encourages you to discover what is essential both within you and the world around you.
As a human being, you are a part of the natural world, and you are interdependent with it. As many naturalists would remind you, a close relationship with nature grounds your psyche and soul in the spiritual certainty of your roots. If you lose touch with nature’s rhythms, you lose touch with your deepest self, with what some would call “the ground of your being.”
If you allow yourself to befriend nature, you will discover that its timeless beauty is renewing and healing. Observe how children respect and honor the spirit of nature and its beauty because they understand it instinctively. Flowers, birds, bugs and butterflies often bring enthusiastic cries of recognition in children. You too can approach nature with the openness of a child. Take pleasure in the sounds, sights, and smells that fill your senses.
Look up at the sky filled with beautiful clouds or twinkling stars. Stand barefoot in cool grass. Play in the snow. Taste sweet strawberries from the field. Feel the wind and sun on your skin. It doesn’t matter if you are in a garden or a park, in the mountains or beside the ocean. Mother Nature will sooth your soul and refresh your spirit.

Carpe Diem

Today, reflect on your relationship with the natural world. Go for a walk or hike and invite the Divine to come along. Allow nature to sustain you and bring you peace.

Go To Exile

Choosing to spend time alone is an essential self-nurturing spiritual practice. It affords you the opportunity to be unaffected by other’s wants and needs.
It is impossible to really know yourself if you never take time to withdraw from the demands of daily living. Alone time does not mean you are being selfish. Instead, you will experience rest and renewal in ways you otherwise would not. A lack of alone time produces heightened confusion and a muting of your life force.
Getting away from it all can become your refuge. So much of modern life invites you to keep busyâ€”e-mail, cell phones, satellite TV, all competing for your attention. Yet, when you have special mourning needs, the last thing you need is distraction. Remember, this time of exile is not only for you. As you rest and renew, you can also better meet the needs of those who depend on you. Your human spirit is naturally compassionate, and once you feel restored, your instinct to be kind and generous to those around you will be revitalized.
Even Jesus went to exile. He modeled the simple spiritual practice of rest and alone time as a natural, nourishing, and valuable companion to times of busyness. Jesus would sometimes send people away, disappear without warning or explanation, and retreat to a place of rest. If Jesus went to exile, so can you!
Within your exiled time and space will evolve the insights and blessings that come to the surface only in stillness and with time. Schedule alone time on a regular basis. Don’t shut out your family and friends altogether, but do answer the call for contemplative solitude.

Carpe Diem:

Schedule one hour of solitude into your day today.

The Bereavement Caregiver’s Self-Care Guidelines

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

The following self-care guidelines are not intended to be cure-alls, nor will they be appropriate for everyone. Pick and choose those tips that you believe will be of help to you in your efforts to stay physically and emotionally healthy.

Remember, our attitudes about stress and fatigue in general sometimes make it difficult to make changes. However, one important point to remember is that with support and encouragement from others, most of us can learn to make positive changes in our attitudes and behaviors.

You might find it helpful to have a discussion among coworkers about caregiver fatigue syndrome. Identify your own signs and symptoms of burnout. Discuss individual and group approaches to self-care that will help you enjoy both work and play.

The Joy of Mini-Vacations

What creative ideas can you come up with to renew yourself? Caregivers are notorious for helping others create self-care time while neglecting their own needs. Here are a few ideas to get you started. However, I encourage you to create your own list and pursue them.

Schedule a massage with a professional massage therapist
Have a spiritual growth weekend. Retreat into nature. Plan some alone time.
Go for a drive with no particular destination in mind. Explore the countryside, slow down and observe what you see.
Treat yourself to a night in a hotel or bed and breakfast.
Visit a museum or a zoo.
Go for a hot air balloon ride.
Take an afternoon off and go to the movies-maybe even a kid’s movie!
Go to a yard sale or auction.
Go rollerskating or rollerblading with a friend!
Enjoy a photographic retreat. Take your camera into nature and shoot away.
Watch cartoons with a child.
Visit a farmer’s market and shop for fresh produce.
Drop by a health food store and walk the aisles.
Go dancing.
Take a horseback ride.
Plan a river-rafting trip.

Remember Your Child-Like Self

Have you ever met the overly-serious caregiver who projects gloom and doom? Odds are they have forgotten the vitality and enthusiasm of their childhood years. Let’s pause and recall some of the characteristics of childhood.

Children:

are physically connected to the world around them.
take risks.
are open, enthusiastic learners
imagine and dream
are naturally curious
spontaneously laugh and smile a lot
are passionate and expressive
try new things when they get bored
rest when they need rest
try to have fun whenever they can

So, have you “grown up” and forgotten about the joy of being a child? If so, you may have left behind some of the best self-care strategies ever. Think about the way healthy kids go about their day, then think about how you spend your day. Have you forgotten how vital fun is to life and living?

There is a well-established link between play and energy. Playing often can be a vital part of your self-care plan. Being grown-up doesn’t mean always being serious. Most really successful people not only work hard, they also play hard. Childlike behavior generates joy, fun and enthusiasm. Ask yourself: What can I do to stay in touch with my inner child?

Work Smart, Not Hard

Many caregivers never had the opportunity to learn essential time-management skills that result in working smart, not hard. You may find the following helpful:

Create specific goals for personal and professional development . Parse your annual goals into monthly goals. Break up your weekly goals into daily goals. Ask yourself, “What do I want to accomplish this year, this month, this week, this day?” Planning each day can give you a road map to getting to your destination!

Do one thing at a time . Caregivers are notorious for trying to do and be all things to all people and all projects all the time. Quality always suffer when you try to do too many things at once.

End the day by planning for tomorrow’s projects whenever possible . That way, you’ll not only waste less time getting started the following morning, you’ll arrive at work feeling more in control of the day ahead.

Protect yourself form constant interruptions . When you’re working on a task, nothing will sabotage you more than interruptions. Block out the necessary time to complete tasks.

Work when you work best . We all have certain natural peak hours of performance. Pay attention to your inner clock. Are you a morning person or a night person? Does a brief nap recharge you?

Focus and reject . This is a reminder to stay focused on the task at hand. Learn to “switch off” those things that prevent you from accomplishing desired tasks. Sometimes this means delaying or returning calls and correspondence. If you always “stay available” you won’t have time to accomplish what you may really want and need to.

When all else fails, retreat to a hideout . When working on project development, you may need to find a “Skinner Box”: a place where you can hole up with no interruptions. Tell only those who truly need to know where you are. You’ll be amazed at what you get done.

When you know your energy level is dropping, take a break . After a 10-minute walk or a short nap, you may be able to accomplish much more than you could have otherwise.

Delegate tasks whenever possible . Watch out for “busy work” that might be done more efficiently by someone else.

Throughout the day ask yourself, “What’s the best use of my time right now?” Focus on those tasks that need to be done first. This requires discipline, but will pay many dividends.

Build Support Systems

Our work requires a natural outward focus: on the needs of those we attempt to help. Such demands can leave us feeling emotionally and spiritually drained. An important aspect of self-care is to allow us to have sounding boards for this work impacts our lives.

What do support systems provide for us? Ideally, supportive colleagues and friends provide some of the following:

Unconditional acceptance and support . In other words, friendships and the need to be nurtured and understood ourselves.

Help with complicated situations . Assistance in ideas that serve to help us in our efforts to help the dying and the bereaved and their families.

Mentoring . Encouragement to continue to develop new tools to assist us in our work. Models that inspire us and remind us of the importance and value of our work.

Challenge . Encouragement to stretch ourselves beyond our current limits.

Referral . To have connection with additional resources for the people in your care. Good caregivers will recognize occasions when it is appropriate to refer those we work with to other, rich sources of support and counsel.

Ask yourself, can I seek support systems when I need to? Who are the people in my life that make up my support system? List five people you could turn to right now for support and nurturing.

Remember the Importance of “Spiritual Time”

I have found that nurturing my spirit is critical to my work as a bereavement caregiver. “Spiritual time” helps me combat fatigue, frustration and life’s disappointments. To be present to those I work with and to learn from those I companion, I must appreciate the beauty of life and living.

Spiritual, quiet moments or “downtime” (for me, often spent in nature) recharges my spiritual energy. While you may embrace your spirit differently than I do, I encourage you to ask yourself: How do I renew my spirit?

Some people do this through prayer and meditation. Others might do this by hiking, biking, running or other forms of physical alone time. Obviously, there is no one right way to renew your spirit. But one reality is that to be present to others in healing ways, we must each find a way to massage our spirits.

So, I ask you to ask yourself: How do I keep my spirit alive? How do I listen to my heart? How do I appreciate the good, the beautiful and the truthful in life?

Listen to Your Inner Voice

As a caregiver to the dying and the bereaved, you will at times become grief overloaded (too much death, grief and loss in your day-to-day life.) The natural demands of this kind of work can cause you to have tunnel vision about death and grief. For example, if your own child has a headache, you may immediately think brain tumor. If your partner complains of heartburn, you think heart attack.

I’ll never forget the time I returned home from a three-day lecture series on childhood grief to find my office manager had scheduled the following day full of counseling a variety of bereaved persons and two dying children and their families. Sitting there looking at the schedule, my inner voice called out, “I cannot do any more sadness right now. I need and deserve a spirit break.” So, I rescheduled all appointments for the day and instead went for a drive through nearby Rocky Mountain National Park. I returned home in the late afternoon and spent the remainder of the day playing with my children and being present to my wife.

Caregiving presents you with the gift of an enhanced awareness of the many tragedies that touch people’s lives. Just as those you companion are changed by death, you are changed by their experiences as well. To embrace our deep appreciation for life and love we must stay grounded-and to do so means caring for ourselves as well as care for others.

A Self-Care Manifesto for Caregivers to the Dying and the Bereaved

We who care for the bereaved and the dying have a wondrous opportunity: to help others embrace and grow through grief-and to lead fuller, more deeply-lived lives ourselves because of this important work.

But our work is draining-physically, emotionally and spiritually. We must first care for ourselves if we want to care well for others. This manifesto is intended to empower you to practice good self-care.

1. I deserve to lead a joyful, whole life.

No matter how much I love and value my work, my life is multi-faceted. My family, my friends, my other interests and my spirituality also deserve my time and attention. I deserve my time and attention.

2. My work does not define me. I am a unique, worthy person outside my work life. While relationships can help me feel good about myself, they are not what is inside me. Sometimes I need to stop “doing” and instead focus on simply “being.”

3. I am not the only one who can help dying and bereaved people. When I feel indispensable, I tend to ignore my own needs. There are many talented caregivers in my community who can also help the dying and the bereaved.

4. I must develop healthy eating, sleeping and exercise patterns. I am aware of the importance of these things for those I help, but I may neglect them myself. A well-balanced diet, adequate sleep and regular exercise allow me to be the best I can be.

5. If I’ve been overinvolved in my caregiving for too long, I may have forgotten how to take care of myself. I may need to rediscover ways of caring for and nurturing myself. I may need to relearn how to explore my own feelings instead of focusing on everybody else’s.

6. I must maintain boundaries in my helping relationships. As a death caregiver, I cannot avoid getting emotionally involved with dying and bereaved people. Nor would I want to. Active empathy allows me to be a good companion to them. However, I must remember I am responsible to others, not for others.

7. I am not perfect and I must not expect myself to be. I often wish my helping efforts were always successful. But even when I offer compassionate, “on-target” help, the recipient of that help isn’t always prepared to use it. And when I do make mistakes, I should see them as an integral part of learning and growth, not as measurements of my self-worth.

8. I must practice effective time-management skills. I must set practical goals for how I spend my time. I must also remember Pareto’s principle: twenty percent of what I do nets eighty percent of my results.

9. I must also practice setting limits and alleviating stresses I can do something about. I must work to achieve a clear sense of expectations and set realistic deadlines. I should enjoy what I do accomplish in helping others but shouldn’t berate myself for what is beyond me.

10. I must listen to my inner voice. As a caregiver to the dying and the bereaved, I will at times become grief overloaded. When my inner voice begins to whisper its fatigue, I must listen carefully and allow myself some grief down-time.

11. I should express the personal me in both my work and play. I shouldn’t be afraid to demonstrate my unique talents and abilities. I must also make time each day to remind myself of what is important to me. If I only had three months to live, what would I do?

12. I am a spiritual being. I must spend alone time focusing on self-understanding and self-love. To be present to those I work with and to learn from those I companion, I must appreciate the beauty of life and living. I must renew my spirit.

An 18″ x 24″ color poster of the Caregiver’s Self-Care Manifesto is available from Companion Press for $10.00. Self-care wallet cards are also available. Call (970) 226-6050 for ordering information or visit www.centerforloss.com .

Related Resources

How to Care for Yourself While You Care for the Dying and the Bereaved (book)

Responding To Problems In The Support Group Setting

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Editor’s note: The following article is excerpted from Dr. Wolfelt’s book How to Start and Lead a Bereavement Support Group, available from Companion Press.

Murphy’s Law ensures that no bereavement support group will run smoothly 100 percent of the time. Problems will arise, typically due to one of three reasons:

1) Lack of leader preparation . “Where are we supposed to meet?” “How long was this meeting supposed to last?” “I thought you were going to bring the name tags!” If admini strative details aren’t properly taken care of, group members will feel left in the lurch. On the other hand, problems can also arise when a leader is too controlling. In general, a lack of effective leadership skills can result in a number of negative consequences. Proper bereavement support group facilitator training will help you circumvent these problems.

2) Discrepancy between group members’ expectations and leader’s expectations . Each individual group member will have his or her own expectations for the group. The place to vocalize these various expectations is in your pre-screening process and during the drafting of the group ground rules. Without clarifying mutual expectations, the group is set up for failure.

3) Individual participant problems. Each person brings a unique personality and history to the group. No matter how well you pre-screen members, you will encounter challenging participants who will test your skills as a group leader. Effective intervention in these cases requires that you first establish a caring, trusting relationship between you and each group member. Â Sometimes group members will themselves intervene by confronting each other about problems arising in the group.

Let’s meet a few of these challenging folks:

Amy the Absent
Amy is the group member who is there, but is not there. Sometimes this person is still in the initial shock wave from the death and is simply unable to speak. Amy may have tried to attend the support group too early in her grief journey, or she may just need the group to be patient and understanding. However, there are also Amys who consciously choose not to participate and interact with the group in passive-aggressive ways: “I’m here, but I don’t plan to be a part of this group.”

Appropriate ways to intervene: From the very first session on, make an effort to help everyone feel involved and a part of the group. Create safe ways to invite the Amys in, such as asking, “Amy, I’m wondering what your week has been like since we met last?” Making eye contact even when this person is quiet is also a way of engaging her and inviting her participation. If your Amy is an outright passive-aggressive, you may need to talk to her individually and explore whether the group can appropriately meet her needs at this time. You may discover that some people are just very shy, quiet or overwhelmed – yet they perceive they are getting a lot out of the group experience. If you can sometimes help them let the group know this, the group can often embrace and accept them for the quiet people they are.

Ann the Advice-Giver
Even though you have created a ground rule that says, “Do not give advice unless it is asked for,” you will, no doubt, have an Ann in one of your groups sometime. Ann is quick to inform others what they should do to solve problems. She may try to “take over” under the guise of being helpful.

Appropriate ways to intervene are to gently remind Ann of the ground rule about advice-giving or to ask “Did you feel that John needed you to tell him what to do about his concerns?” Obviously, the goal is to prevent advice-giving in your group unless it is asked for. We know that many bereaved people resent unsolicited advice.

Albert the Academic
Albert is the intellectual in the group and often likes to show off his huge knowledge base. He might quote a recent article he read or expose a little-known theory to explain his, or more likely someone else’s, behavior. Analysis and interpretation are Albert’s joys in life! There may be a condescending quality to his tone; generally he thinks he knows more than most anyone else in the group.

Appropriate ways to intervene: Initially, I often allow Albert’s natural defense mechanism to help him ease into the group. However, when it becomes a consistent pattern, it can be destructive to the group. Therefore, I sometimes try saying things like, “Albert, you have really helped us understand what the articles say, but sometimes I wonder how you feel.” Of course, he may lack insight, but it is worth a try. Sometimes when I know my relationship with Albert is strong I’ll say, “Albert, I know that I sometimes have a tendency to intellectualize things that are painful for me. I wonder if you see that same tendency in yourself?”

Bob the Blamer
Bob is the participant who projects that other group members (or, other people in general) are the ones who cause his problems. This self-defeating thought pattern has often been a part of his coping mechanisms for some time. Bobs often projects an accompanying sense that no one has ever understood him and no one ever will. This self-crippling stance wears thin very quickly with members who are trying to honestly look at themselves and sort out new directions in their lives.

Appropriate ways to intervene: Compassionately attempt to help Bob become more self-responsible and eliminate the tendency to blame. Well-timed, tentative comments like, “Bob, sometimes I’m struck by how often you find fault with others. I’m wondering what would happen for you if you looked inside yourself at times instead of outside?” A supportive confrontation like this has the potential of getting Bob more connected to himself and starts to help him make positive changes.

Charlene the Challenging
Charlene is the participant who likes to challenge the leader. She might accuse you of not knowing what you are doing, which in turn may cause you to question yourself. Charlene likes to put you on the spot and tries to make you look incompetent in the eyes of group. Her challenges are more often made in front of the group instead of privately.

Appropriate ways to intervene: Be certain you don’t get defensive when the challenges come forth. This would be just what Charlene wants and would probably lead to more challenges. It is often appropriate to acknowledge her comment, but then offer to meet her after the group to better understand each other. While you may be tempted to initiate a dialogue that will prove your competence, resist the urge. The group will most often respect your decision to deflect the criticism and discuss the situation individually with Charlene.

Fred the Forced
Fred is the group member who is there because someone else wants him there. He has no intention of participating and feels he is being forced by a spouse or friend. He hopes everyone will forget he is present and will leave him alone. Fred rarely makes eye contact with anyone, particularly the group leader. If questioned or invited to participate, he often passes and looks put upon. If Fred is attending with his spouse or friend, he often defers the question to them.

Appropriate ways to intervene: Try to screen this person out in your pre-screening process because this person will be counterproductive if not outright damaging to the group. Once Fred is in the group, you can attempt to make him feel welcome and warmly invite his participation. However, if that doesn’t work, the group will be well-served if you meet with Fred individually and explore the possibility of him leaving the group. You may also consider referring Fred to individual counseling, but he will usually resist this suggestion.

Holly the Holy Roller
Holly spends so much time talking about heaven that people wonder if her feet are on the ground! While faith values are very important and should be explored, the Hollys of the group often alienate other members by quoting scripture. Holly usually projects a lack of any personal problems and may perceive other members’ pain as a “lack of faith.”

Appropriate ways to intervene: Support that what works for one person may not work for another. You can accept how important Holly’s faith is to her while also (with appropriate timing and pacing) helping her and the group acknowledge that having faith and mourning are not mutually exclusive. If Holly is advice-giving about the need for everyone to have faith like hers, you must gently remind her of the ground rules and redirect the group in ways supportive to everyone present.

Ivan the Interrupter
Ivan is the group member who, consciously or unconsciously, is always interrupting other people. He can’t seem to keep his mouth shut. Other participants will begin to see it coming and will start hesitating to share for fear they will be interrupted. Ivan must be helped to control his interrupting tendencies or he will destroy the very heart of the group.

Appropriate ways to intervene: Gently remind Ivan of the “equal time” ground rule. When this fails, go to the next step: “Ivan, I notice that sometimes you have a tendency to interrupt the person who is talking. Are you aware of this?” You can then offer to help him when he does interrupt; it can often be done in good humor with excellent results.

Paul the Preacher
Paul has a lot in common with Holly, but he often preaches about anything and everything. The group experience provides Paul with an audience. He may attempt to dominate the group as he tells the group what they should and should not do. He is usually very well-intentioned, but tends to wear thin with the group. He may seem overly rehearsed, as if he has preached his message many times.

Appropriate ways to intervene: Gently remind Paul of the “equal time” ground rule, as well as the “advice-giving” ground rule. You might express how his tendency to preach impacts you. Say, for example, “Sometimes when I listen to you, Paul, I wonder if you really want to hear what others think and feel.” Again, this confrontation must be well-timed and intended to help him reflect on how he is impacting the group.

Ralph the Rambler
Ralph is a close cousin of Paul the Preacher – he just changes subjects more often. Ralph tends to bore the group as he rambles on, yet seems to say little of substance related to the needs of the group. He rarely completes his sentences in ways that allow others to talk; he just keeps running on and on and on. The group kind of lets out a silent groan as soon as Ralph utters his first words. Without a doubt, one rambling Ralph can ruin your group if you don’t effectively intervene.

Appropriate ways to intervene: Once again, return to the ground rules related to “equal time.” If this fails, step up your efforts to help Ralph by being supportively direct about his tendency to talk a lot. The group will often be able to help if you ask them if anyone was able to follow what Ralph just said. There is some risk in this approach in that a fellow group member may attack Ralph for rambling on all the time and saying little. Again, if all else fails, ask to speak with Ralph after the meeting and attempt to compassionately help him look at his rambling and become a more controlled contributor to the group.

Sarah the Socializer
Sarah’s goal is to keep the group from getting too serious about anything. The problem here, of course, is that grief will bring about serious, thoughtful, painful discussions. Sarah may see the group as an opportunity to be with other people and socialize in a fun way. Obviously, her expectations are different than the group’s. Sarah may laugh when everyone else is sad or make inappropriate comments to distract the group from the work at hand.

Appropriate ways to intervene? First, understand that many people protect themselves from getting hurt by trying to stay in a social mode or be humorous. Try well-timed, sensitive comments like, “I notice that sometimes you laugh when others are sad. How do you understand that about yourself?” Or, “When I see you laugh like that, I wonder what you are feeling?” Some Sarahs will lack insight into their use of socializing while others will appropriate your efforts to help them.

Wally the We-Sayer
Wally attempts to talk for everyone in the group or to be the group spokesperson. “We think we should . . .” is a common lead for this person. Wally assumes (and this is what creates problems) that everyone thinks and feels the same as he does. Allowing the “we” messages to continue often causes quieter members to give in to the “we talk” Wally espouses. Resentment can grow and some members will probably drop out and not even tell you why.

Appropriate ways to intervene include asking Wally if he is speaking for every person in the group or asking the group if there is anyone who doesn’t agree with Wally’s statement. If it is healthy, your group will provide a safe atmosphere for people to express their unique personalities. Gently confronting Wally often helps achieve that goal.

Red Flags Suggesting Referral for Individual Counseling

There are some bereaved persons whose needs will be met more effectively in individual counseling or therapy. The following “red flags” should alert you to the need for making an appropriate referral.

Expression of suicidal intent
A pattern of alcohol abuse/dependence
Inability to care for self (not getting sleep, not eating)
Uncontrollable rage directed at others
Physical harm to self or others
Uncontrollable phobias, such as an inability to be by themselves at any time
Characteristics of mourning do not appear to change at all over a period of months

Of course, the above list is not all-inclusive. You should use your good judgment as to whether or not a group member would benefit more from individual counseling than from a support group.

Related Resources

The Understanding Your Grief Support Group Guide-Starting and Leading a Bereavement Support Group (book)

Companioning vs. Treating:

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Beyond The Medical Model of Bereavement Caregiving

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Editor’s note: Alan Wolfelt’s keynote at the Association of Death Education and Counseling conference in Chicago aroused a great deal of interest. For those of you who did not have the opportunity to hear him speak, we are printing here the transcript of his presentation.

Sam Leveson once noted that when his father came over here from the old country, he discovered three things:

1. The streets weren’t paved with gold,

2. Most of the streets weren’t paved, and

3. He had the opportunity to help pave them.

I think it’s fair to say that when it comes to our assumptive models of supporting people surrounding grief and loss,

1. The streets aren’t paved with gold,

2. Many of the streets aren’t paved, and

3. We, as ADEC members, have the opportunity to help pave them.

Many people asked me about the title of my talk for this conference. Everyone was curious how I was going to distinguish “companioning” from “treating.” The word “treat” comes from the Latin root work “tractare” which means “to drag.” If we combine that with “patient” we can really get in trouble. “Patient” means “passive long-term sufferer”, so, if we treat patients, we drag passive long-terms sufferers. (Doesn’t sound very empowering to me.)

On the other hand, the word “companion,” when broken down into its original Latin roots means “messmate”: com for “with” and pan for “bread.” Someone you would share a meal with, a friend, an equal. I have taken liberties with the noun “companion” and made it into the verb “companioning” because it so well captures the type of counseling relationship I support and advocate.

More specifically, for me . . .

Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect.
Companioning is about curiosity; it is not about expertise.
Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them.
Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading.
Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.
Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling every painful moment with words.
Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.
Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about directing those struggles.
Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain.
Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.
Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.

I suggest that we must be willing to work together to be what I like to call RESPONSIBLE REBELS. For you see, as we approach the millenium, it is time to look in the mirror and question our assumptive models surrounding grief and loss.

I believe we are confronted with three forces that demand our immediate attention. Those three forces might be framed as risks :

Risk #1. That the predominant bereavement care model is a medical model where we assess, diagnose, and treat grief as an illness that demands a cure.

Risk #2. That we, as bereavement caregivers, join our efficiency-based culture by joining in and supporting, without questioning the “managed care” approach to what is really a soul-based journey.

Risk #3. That we anoint ourselves as a privileged class of “master” grief educators, counselors, and therapists.

While all three of these “forces” or “risks” call out for their own dialogues, please come along as I take us on a journey that touches on each of these important areas of discussion. What better place to start than with a need to question our predominant medical model of grief care.

Risk #1: That the predominant bereavement care model is a medical model where we assess, diagnose, and treat grief as an illness that demands a cure.

For many, grief in contemporary society has been medicalized and perceived as if it were an illness that with proper assessment, diagnosis and treatment can be cured. While it is beyond the scope of this presentation to trace the evolution of the medical model of bereavement care, let’s review some tenets we may want to question.

I believe the limitations of our clinical, medical models are profound and far-reaching. Our modern understanding of grief all too often projects that for “successful” mourning to take place, the person must disengage from the deceased and, by all means “let go.” We even have all sorts of books full of techniques on how to help others “let go” or reach “closure.”

Our modern understanding of grief often urges bereaved people ( which means “to be torn apart,” “to have special needs”) to deny any form of continued relationship with the person who died. For many, the hallmark of so-called “pathology” has been rooted in terms of sustaining a relationship to the dead.

Our modern understanding of grief all too often conveys that the end result of bereavement is a series of completed tasks, extinguished pain, and the establishment of new relationships. In attempting to make a science of grief, we have compartmentalized complex emotions with neat clinical labels.

Our modern understanding of grief all too often uses a “recovery” or “resolution” definition to suggest a return to “normalcy.” Recovery, as understood by some, mourners and caregivers alike, is erroneously seen as an absolute, a perfect state of reestablishment.

Our modern understanding of grief for some is based on the model of crisis theory that purports that a person’s life is in a state of homeostatic balance, then something comes along (like death) and knocks the person out of balance. Caregivers are taught intervention goals to reestablish the prior state of homeostasis. There is only one major problem with this theory-it doesn’t work. Why? Because a person’s life is changed forever after the death of someone loved.

Our modern understanding of grief all too often pathologizes other’s experiences with disregard for cultural and personality differences. (For example, keening is legitimized in some cultures and is seen as abnormal in others. Gotta watch where you keen; you may be hospitalized.)

Our modern understanding of grief all too often lacks any appreciation for and attention to the spiritual nature of the grief journey. As authors such as Frankl, Fromm, and Jung noted years ago, and Hillman, more recently, academic psychology has been too interfaced with the natural sciences and laboratory methods of weighing, counting and objective reporting. Some of us, often through no fault of our own, but perhaps by the contamination of our formal training, have overlooked the journey into grief as a soul-based journey.

Critical self-observation would suggest that perhaps we rely too much on psychosocial, biological, and psychodynamic constructs such as depression, anxiety, and loss of control. In our attempts to gain scientific credibility, we may have become our own worst enemies!

Yet, the grief journey requires contemplation and turning inward. In other words, it requires depression, anxiety, and loss of control. It requires going to the wilderness. Quietness and emptiness invite the heart to observe signs of sacredness, to regain purpose, to rediscover love, to renew life! Searching for meaning, reasons to get one’s feet out of bed, and understanding the pain of loss are not the domain of the medical model of bereavement care. Experience has taught me that it is the mysterious, spiritual dimension of grief that harbors the capacity to go on living until we, too, die.

Yes, our current models desperately need a “supplement of the soul.” We need as caregivers, and as fellow travelers in the journey into grief more life-giving, hope-filled models that incorporate not only the mind and body, but the soul and spirit.

Risk #2: That we, as bereavement caregivers, join our efficiency-based culture by joining in and supporting, without questioning the “managed care” approach to what is really a soul-based journey.

I recently wrote a thought-piece on this topic for The Forum, titled “Blessed Are Those Who Mourn Quickly and Efficiently For They Meet Our Criteria For Managed Care.” (I’ve never received so many e-mails, faxes and phone calls in my life!)

Among other things, managed care has us wrestling with issues such as confidentiality, paperwork volume and control over type and number of counseling sessions. However, it is the deeper implications of managed care that keep coming up in my conversations with the many grief counselors and therapists I meet at my workshops or from whom I receive phone calls or correspondence.

Obviously, we as caregivers cannot see people three or four times and “resolve” their grief. While our so-called “advanced culture” would like to think humans can quickly and efficiently overcome grief, reality suggests otherwise. We cannot use short-term models that impose rational and cognitive understanding of what is truly a soul-based journey.

Through no fault of their own, the general public has also been contaminated by this model. Some will approach the counseling relationship and essentially say, “I want you to fix me. The faster, the better. Tell me what I can do to resolve my grief and I’ll do it.” Yet, to heal in grief one must turn inward, slow down, embrace pain, and seek and accept support.

This current approach to mental health care is actually contributing to an epidemic of “complicated mourning” in North America. Rather than allowing for the creation of safe places where hurting people can mourn in doses when their heads and hearts are ready, this current model encourages people to deny their feelings.

Pain and feelings of loss are all too often, seen as unnecessary and inappropriate. Yet, only in having the safety of people and places where we can move toward our wounds do we ultimately “reconcile,” not resolve, death losses. The current philosophy actually reinforces destructive societal messages such as, “carry on,” “keep your chin up,” and “keep busy.” It’s as if our current model of care shields its very self from acknowledging the human pain of loss, while not providing places for people to mourn.

Managed care has placed the focus on short-term, overt, measurable “progress” in grief. It’s as if getting the person back to work is more important than restoring the soul. In my experience, many utilization reviewers from managed care companies advocate cognitive-behavioral therapy. A major problem with this is that we cannot help people heal in grief by thinking through the experience. As we have come to realize, in matters of life and death we must feel it to heal it. Managed care reinforces trying to “resolve” loss in one’s head.

Yet, as Helen Keller, said years ago, “The only way to get to the other side, is to go through the door.”

Helping people integrate life’s losses means being present to them and observing them-“companioning.” Observance comes to us from ritual. It means not only “to watch out for” but “to keep and honor,” “to bear witness.”

If I quickly moved to do what many in North American culture think I should do, I’d be taking normal grief and mourning symptoms away from people all day long. Instead, I try to “watch out for,” “keep and honor,” and nurture souls as they encounter the hard work of mourning.

Those of us concerned about this must become what I call “responsible rebels.” I believe truly helpful counselors to bereaved people in pain are responsible rebels: they facilitate creative healing as they become fellow travelers in the journey. They do not function as agents of conformity to “get the person over” grief, but instead foster an awareness of how one is changed by the death. They stay in touch with their hearts without becoming contaminated by the formality of professional training. They do not think of themselves as experts, but as companions.

Risk #3: That we anoint ourselves as a privileged class of “master” grief educators, counselors, and therapists.

You see, I believe becoming an expert is dangerous. Implicit in any model of who we think we are is a message to others about who they are. The more we think of ourselves as “experts” the more pressure there is on someone to be a “patient.” The largest impediment to providing support to people in grief is the distinction between “us” and “them.”

A central arrogance in perceiving oneself as an expert is the perception that one has a superior knowledge of someone else’s destination in the grief journey. We can be present, watch, and learn, but we cannot direct, or even guide. Today, more and more people want to be “certified” as grief educators, counselors, and therapists. Our own Association has developed standards and certification is available at different levels of “expertise.”

I have supported and will continue to support this certification process. As in any professional discipline, we need some standards to aspire to. Now my warning: Please do not think certification means one is an expert who doesn’t need to continue to learn and be open to new teachings. To be perceived, or worse yet, to perceive oneself as an expert grief counselor may be the first step toward unbecoming a creative, growth-oriented grief counselor.

There is a Buddhist teaching that says, “In the beginners mind there are many possibilities; in the experts mind there are few.” Let’s explore the consequences when others think you are an “expert.”

In his lovely book Improvisational Therapy (1990), Bradford P. Kenney writes brilliantly about the hazards of being considered an “expert” or “master” counselor:

As you contemplate the risk of being an expert, listen to your own inner voice. What has your personal grief taught you about what helps people heal? What have grieving people taught you? What are your own personal strengths and limitations as a caregiver? Are you an open-learner who is willing to be taught, or are you an expert who treats people like patients?

Many of you out there are not certified grief educators, counselors or therapists. That doesn’t mean, however, you aren’t resourceful, talented, compassionate people who can help people heal in grief. I encourage you to join us certified grief counselors and therapists, and to pursue your professional development-while at the same time not striving to be an “expert.” Certification is not an end-stage of counselor development.

Continual professional development and openness to learning new tools and “ways of being” are essential for each of us.

There is an old saying that still holds true, “The best teachers are those who are always willing to be taught.”

So, where do we go from here?

As caregivers to people in grief, I believe we would be well-served to discover our own “self-as-instrument.” It was Combs, who years ago introduced the concept of “self-as-instrument” to the counseling literature.

He warned against the strict adherence to a particular model or school of counseling and essentially urged caregivers to discover their unique gifts and make use of them. He warned that we shouldn’t become counselors cloned in the image of others, but instead strive to awaken, cultivate, and nurture imagination and creativity in ourselves, in our colleagues, and in our clients.

I believe that counseling people in grief is more of an art than a science. An artist fully embraces his or her personal strengths and limitations to evolve a unique style that becomes a portrait of oneself as a counselor and as a human being.

So, what do I mean by growth undergirding grief? Well, first for me:

Growth means change

My experience has taught me that we as human beings are forever changed by the death of someone in our lives. To talk about “resolving” our own or other’s grief, doesn’t allow for the growth or transformation I have both experienced in myself and observed in others. Mourning is not an end, but a beginning.

A return to a prior state of homeostasis or old inner balance, doesn’t reflect how myself and others have been changed by the experience of loss. In using the word growth, I acknowledge the changes that mourning brings about.

Growth means encountering pain

The death of someone loved naturally brings about emotional, physical and spiritual pain for us as human beings. But encountering the pain of loss all at once would overwhelm us; we must have a “safe place” where we can embrace our pain in “doses.” Sometimes we need to distract ourselves from the pain of loss, while at other times we need a “safe harbor” to pull into and embrace the depth of our loss.

Growth means a new inner balance with no end points

While the bereaved person may do the work of mourning to recapture in part some sense of inner balance, it is a new inner balance. My hope is that the term growth reflects the fact that you do not reach some end point in your grief journey. You don’t reach “closure.”

No one ever totally completes the mourning process. People who think you get over grief are often continually striving to “pull it all together,” while at the same time they feel that something is missing.

Growth means exploring our assumptions about life

As many of us know from our personal journeys, growth in grief is a lifelong process of exploring how death challenges us to look at our assumptions about life. The very reason many of us are here at this conference and doing the work we do is grounded in that reality. Yes, our greatest gifts often come from our wounds.

Ultimately, exploring our assumptions about life after the death of someone loved can make those assumptions richer and more life-affirming. Many make new life priorities and find a personal, inner peace they lacked before.

Growth means actualizing our losses

The encounter of grief rewakens us to the importance of utilizing our potentials-our capacities to mourn our losses openly and without shame, to be interpersonally effective in our relationships with others, and to continue to discover fulfillment in life, living and loving. Rather than “dragging us down,” loss often helps us grow. Loss seems to free the potential within. Then it becomes up to us as human beings to embrace and creatively express this potential. Growth is a possibility when we discover the resources we have and use them.

Obviously, not every bereaved person experiences the kind of actualizing growth I have just described. As a wise person once said, “Death may not be the greatest loss in life, the greatest loss in life is what dies inside us while we live.” Our challenge as death educators and counselors, then, is to fight this cultural tendency and instead extend bereaved people this invitation: teach me about your grief and let me help you discover how this experience can enrich your life. Yes, a large part of the “art” of caregiving to the bereaved is to free them to grow and live until they die. “After all, death may not be the greatest loss in life, the greatest loss in life may be what dies inside us while we live.” What an honor to be part of this journey!

It occurred to me recently that bereaved people have consistently taught me from their experiences that they have discovered the kind of growth described above. However, this growth is only encountered if we have safe places to do the work of mourning places of unhurried, self-reflection.

A not-so-secret hope of mine is that this growth-oriented companioning model will eventually replace the medical model, which all too often teaches that grief’s goal is a movement from illness to normalcy. The growth model helps people understand the human need to mourn and discover how grief has forever changed them. It understands the normalcy of drowning in your grief before you tread water, and that how only after treading water, do you go on to swim.

There appears to be three general phases that new schools of thought go through as they grow and develop:

The first phase is one of innovation, passion, and enthusiasm. The second, one of hard work and conceptual refinement. The third, one of general acceptance and integration into the mainstream.

While some might see the growth-oriented counseling model in the first phase, I prefer to see it in the second and third phases. I believe a major breakthrough to acceptance and everyday practice is not only possible, it is beginning to take place in many counselors’ offices. If those of us committed to this heart-based model meet the challenges ahead with intellectual and spiritual integrity, I believe growth-oriented companioning will take its rightful place as the most basic, sanest, and most comprehensive model of grief support and counseling yet to appear.

So, what is companioning about?

Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect.
Companioning is about curiosity; it is not about expertise.
Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them.
Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading.
Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.
Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling every painful moment with words.
Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.
Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about directing those struggles.
Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain.
Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.
Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.

The opportunity to be present to people in grief is a privilege that has allowed me to be drawn into the richness and beauty of life. As companions to them in this process, I have been changed in powerful ways impossible to capture in words.

In sharing myself with you I hope I have engaged your minds and your hearts. For it is in transforming our thinking as we learn that we transform our lives and the lives of those we help.

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., is a noted grief educator and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. Among his many books are Healing The Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers, Â The Journey Through Grief: Reflections on Healing and Healing the Bereaved Child. He is currently at work on a book on the concept and practice of companioning the adult mourner. For more information on this text when it becomes available, please write or call the Center for Loss at 3735 Broken Bow Road, Fort Collins, CO 80526, (970) 226-6050 or e-mail Dr. Wolfelt at wolfelt@centerforloss.com .

The Child’s Bereavement Caregiver as Gardener:

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

A Parable

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

One spring morning a gardener noticed an unfamiliar seedling poking through the ground near the rocky, untended edge of his garden. He knelt to examine its first fragile leaves. Though he had cared for many others during his long life, the gardener was unsure what this new seedling was to become. Still, it looked forlorn and in need of his encouragement, so the gardener removed the largest stones near the seedling’s tender stalk and bathed it in rainwater from his worn tin watering can.

In the coming days the gardener watched the seedling struggle to live and grow in its new, sometimes hostile home. When weeds threatened to choke the seedling, he dug them out, careful not to disturb the seedling’s delicate roots. He spooned dark, rich compost around its base. One cold April night he even fashioned a special cover for the seedling from an old canning jar so that it would not freeze.

But the gardener also believed in the seedling’s natural capacity to adapt and survive. He did not water it too frequently. He did not stimulate its growth with chemicals. Nor did he succumb to the urge to lift the seedling from its unfriendly setting and transplant it in the rich, sheltered center of the garden. Instead the gardener watched and waited.

Day by day the seedling grew taller, stronger. Its slender yet sturdy stalk reached for the heavens and its blue-green leaves stretched to either side as if to welcome the gardener as he arrived each morning.

Soon a flower bud appeared atop the young plant’s stem. Then one warm June afternoon the tightly wrapped, purple-blue petals unfurled, revealing a paler blue ring of petals inside and a tiny bouquet of yellow stamens at its center.

A columbine-the gentle wildflower whose name means “dovelike.” A single, perfect columbine.

The gardener smiled. He knew then that the columbine would continue to grow and flourish, still needing his presence but no longer requiring the daily companionship it had during its tenuous early days.

The gardener crouched next to the lovely blossom and cupped its head in his rough palm. “Congratulations,” he whispered to the columbine. “You have not only survived, you have grown beautiful and strong.”

The gardener stood and turned to walk back to his gardening shed. Suddenly a gust of wind lifted his straw hat and as he bent to retrieve it, a small voice whispered back, “Without your help I could not have. Thank you.”

The gardener looked up but no one was there. Just the blue columbine nodding happily in the breeze. . .

The more bereaved children I have the privilege to work with, the more I see myself not as a counselor but as a gardener.

Too often, counselors are taught (and subsequently internalize) the medical model of bereavement care, which suggests that bereaved children are “sick” and need to be “cured.” This same mindset implies that the goal in bereavement caregiving is to help the child “resolve” or “recover from” the illness that is grief.

The medical model of understanding human behavior actually damages bereaved families because it takes responsibility for healing away from the bereaved person (child, adolescent or adult) and puts it in the hands of the doctor or caregiver who “treats” the “patient.” Look up the word “treat” in the dictionary and you’ll find it derives from the Latin tractare, which means, interestingly enough, to drag. The word patient, defined as a noun, refers to a sick person who is being cured by a professional. As compassionate caregivers, we cannot (and should not try to) “drag” our “patients” into being “cured.”

Grief gardeners, on the other hand, believe that grief is organic. That grief is as natural as the setting of the sun and as elemental as gravity. To us, grief is a complex but perfectly natural-and necessary-mixture of human emotions. Grief gardeners do not cure the grieving child; instead we create conditions that allow the bereaved child to mourn. Our work is more art than science, more heart than head. The bereaved child is not our patient but instead our companion.

The seedling in this parable represents, of course, the bereaved child. The seedling is struggling to live in its new, hostile environment much as a bereaved child struggles to cope with her new, scary world. A world without someone she loved very much. A world that does not understand the need to mourn. A world that does not compassionately support its bereaved.

This child needs the love and attention of caring adults if she is to heal and grow. It is the bereavement caregiver’s role to create conditions that allow for such healing and growth. In the parable, the gardener removes stones near the seedling’s tender stalk and offers it life-sustaining water. In the real world, the grief gardener might simply listen as the child talks or acts out her feelings of pain or sadness, in effect removing a heavy weight from her small shoulders. Instead of water, the grief gardener offers his empathy, helping quench the child’s thirst for companionship.

The gardener in the parable also dug out weeds that threatened to choke the young seedling; the grief gardener might attempt to squelch those who threaten the child’s healing, such as a dysfunctional or grief-avoiding family member. The grief gardener’s compost is the nourishment of play-that necessary work that feeds the souls of all children.

But notice, too, that the gardener in the parable does not take complete control of the seedling’s existence, but rather trusts in the seedling’s inner capacity to heal and grow. The gardener does not water the seedling too frequently; the grief gardener does not offer companionship to the point of codependency. The gardener does not use chemical fertilizers; the grief gardener does not advocate the use of pharmaceuticals (unless made necessary by a medical condition, of course) or other inorganic therapies for bereaved children. The gardener does not transplant the seedling but instead allows it to struggle where it has landed; the grief gardener does not seek to rescue the bereaved child from her pain.

Largely as a result of its own arduous work, the seedling in the parable grows into a beautiful columbine. Bereaved children, with time and the loving care of adults, also have inside themselves the potential for this same kind of transformation. The greatest joy of grief gardening, in fact, is witnessing this growth and new beauty in bereaved children who have learned to reconcile their grief.

What an honor to garden in such rich soil.

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping Your Family Decide if Organ and Tissue Donation is Right for You

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

If you are in the position of deciding whether or not to donate the organs and tissues of someone you love, you may have many questions. This article answers some of the most common questions and will help you think through your decision.

The Need is Great

The demand for organs far outweighs the number available for transplantation and thousands die each year while waiting for a second chance at life. As the national waiting list continues to grow, the number of organ donors has remained relatively unchanged over the past several years.

According to the United Network for Organ Sharing, there are nearly 70,000 people waiting for transplants in the United States alone. Given the current donation rates, less than half of those waiting will ever be transplanted.

In the United States, a new name is added to the tranplant waiting list every 16 minutes.

While a national list does not exist for those waiting for tissue grafts and corneal transplants, there is a great need for donations of both tissues and eyes. Each year donors provide tissue for approximately 450,000 tissue grafting procedures, including hip replacements, heart valve transplants and ligament repairs. Last year more than 46,000 cornea transplants were also performed in the United States.

Understanding Brain Death

If a person has been declared brain dead, the following information maybe helpful to you.

Brain death means there is no blood flow or oxygen to the brain and that the brain is no longer functioning in any capacity and never will again. The person cannot breathe without assistance, has no pupil response to light and no response to pain. Failure of many organs begins to occur soon after brain death.

Because the heart has its own “pacemaker,” however, it will continue to beat as long as it has oxygen. Respiratory support equipment supplies oxygen and keeps the heart beating.

Once a patient is brain dead, he or she is dead. The brain will never recover. But during a short time after brain death, while a respirator keeps the heart beating, some of the patient’s organs and tissues may be recovered for transplant.

People who have died what is termed a “cardiac” death cannot donate organs but may still be tissue and eye donors.

Both Organs and Tissues May Be Donated

The heart, liver, lungs, pancreas, kidneys, heart valves, corneas, bones, skin, tendons and ligaments can be donated. The lives of several people can be saved or enhanced through the donations of just one patient.

If You Decide to Donate

If your family decides to give permission for organ and tissue donation, you will first be given an opportunity to say goodbye to your loved one. Use these minutes to hold and touch the body of the person you have loved one final time.

The organ procurement team will then evaluate the patient as a donor and blood samples will be taken for the matching process. When recipients are located, organs and tissues will be removed by a team of surgeons and a specialist trained in organ recovery. Â The entire process may take between 10-30 hours.

The recovery of organs and tissue is a surgical procedure and takes place in a hospital operating room. The person donating is cared for respectfully throughout the entire procedure.

How Donation Affects the Funeral

Because the recovery of organs and tissue is a surgical procedure, an incision or incisions will be made. However, the incisions are typically small and will be covered with clothing for the funeral. You may still have an open casket visitation or funeral if you wish. If you should decide donation is right for you, you will want to consider what clothing would be best for an open casket viewing.

You may want to let others know that your loved one was a donor by including this information in the obituary, the funeral program or the eulogy. Ask your funeral director for ideas.

How Donation May Affect Your Grief Journey

Families of potential organ and tissue donors typically experience the sudden, often traumatic, death of someone loved. For all families the death is senseless. Some families must also cope with the knowledge that death resulted from the violent act of another or a self-inflicted wound.

The unique circumstances surrounding the catastrophic injury that led to brain death creates special needs for these families. Given no time to prepare and often little experience coping with such devastating news, donor families are in need of immediate and ongoing support.

Acknowledging the reality of the death is often complicated by the very nature of the death- brain death. A previously healthy person now lies motionless in a hospital bed with vital signs, yet a family is asked to comprehend and accept the irreversible nature of the injury and finality of the situation. A family may desire time with the body and reassurance that all medical treatment options have been exhausted.

For many grieving families, the decision to donate organs is a helpful way to give meaning to a senseless loss. Family members have told me on many occasions that the most positive aspect of their painful grief experience has been knowing that some other family has been brought comfort because of their loved one’s gift. While recognizing this comfort, remember that it is always bittersweet comfort, and does not take away the pain of the grief that results from the death.

If You’re Faced with the Decision Right Now

No one should rush or pressure you into the decision to donate. However, you should be aware of time constraints that might prevent you from donating certain organs or tissues if too much time elapses.

Take the time to talk among yourselves, openly and honestly, about your feelings about donation. Consider what the dying person would have wanted. Listen to what your heart and mind are telling you to do.

The United Network for Organ Sharing (UNOS) website (www.unos.org) provides good information on national statistics, legislation, and policy on donation. For information specifically pertaining to tissue and eye donation, the American Association of Tissue Banks and the Eye Bank Association of America would be useful resources. Additionally, the National Kidney Foundation Donor Family Council has a variety of resources specifically for donor families at (800) 622-9010 or www.kidney.org.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping Your Family When a Member is Dying

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

You have learned that someone in your family is dying. You want to help the ill person as well as your family. This article will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into positive actions.

The Shock of the News

Learning that someone in your family is dying is a blow to everyone the news touches. We sometimes think this only happens in other families, but now it is happening to yours. If the onset of the illness was sudden or unexpected, you and the rest of your family will likely feel shock and numbness at first. This is a natural and necessary response to painful news.

You can only cope with this new reality in doses. You will first come to understand it in your head, and only over the weeks and even months to come will you come to understand it with your heart.

Be Aware of Your Family’s Coping Style

If you are reading this brochure, you are already taking steps to acknowledge that someone in your family is dying. You may have found some family members want to discuss the illness, while others seem to want to deny the reality and refuse to discuss it. Right now your family may feel like a pressure cooker: you all have a high need to feel understood, but little capacity to be understanding.

Adjust to Changing Roles

Families sometimes have a hard time adjusting to the changing roles the illness makes necessary. If the head of the household is dying, the other spouse may now have to find a job in addition to caring for the home and children, for example. If grandma acted as the family’s binding force before she was ill, her family may now feel confused and disjointed where they once felt strong and cohesive.

Such changes can alter the ways in which family members interact with each other. They may act short-tempered, overly dependent, stoic or any number of other difficult ways.

Consider Getting Outside Help

Perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for your family during this stressful time is to reach out for help on their behalf. If someone in your family is caring for the dying person at home, consider hiring a homecare nurse instead. Have groceries delivered. Hire a housekeeper to come in twice a month. Your church or other community organization might be able to provide volunteers to help you with any number of tasks. And family counseling can be a healing, enriching experience that helps family members understand one another now and long after the illness.

Hospices are well-staffed and trained to help both the dying person and the dying person’s family. Their mission is to help the dying die with comfort, dignity and love, and to help survivors cope both before and after the death. Contact your local hospice early in the dying process. Because they don’t want to acknowledge the reality of the impending death, too often families wait until the last few days of the sick person’s life. But when they are contacted sooner, hospices can provide a great deal of compassionate support and care up to six months before the death.

Encourage Open Communication, But Do Not Force It

As caring family members, we should encourage honest communication among the dying person, caregivers, family and friends. However, we should never force it. Dying people naturally “dose” themselves as they encounter the reality of the illness in their lives. They may not be able to talk about it right away, or they may only feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings with certain family members.

What the Dying Person May be Feeling

Experiencing illness affects a person’s head, heart and spirit. While you wouldn’t want to prescribe what they might feel, do be aware that terminally ill people may experience a variety of emotions. Fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, sadness and loneliness are just a few of the emotions they may feel-one at a time or simultaneously.

These feelings are a natural response to terminal illness. Your role as caring family member should be to listen to the sick person’s thoughts and feelings without trying to change them. If she is sad, she is sad. Don’t try to take that necessary emotion away from her. If she is angry or guilty, that’s OK too. You may be tempted to soothe or deny her painful feelings, but a more helpful response is to simply acknowledge them. Listen and understand.

Help Family Members Tend to their Own Needs

When a family member is dying, he or she becomes the focal point for the family. Suddenly everyone is concerned about that one person and her coming death. This is normal, yet it places a great physical and emotional burden on everyone involved.

Though the family is experiencing a serious time, they should still give themselves permission to be happy. Plan fun events. Allow time to laugh, love and enjoy life.

Embrace Your Spirituality

Seek Hope and Healing

After the ill person dies, you and your other family members must mourn if you are to love and live wholly again. You cannot heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief, before and after the death, will only make it more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Encourage your family to be patient and tolerant with themselves. Never forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping a Friend Who Is Dying

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Your friend is dying. This is an extremely difficult time not only for you, but for your friend and all who care about him. This article will guide you in ways to help your friend-and yourself-during the last days of his life.

When a Friend is Dying

Someone you care deeply about is dying. Confronting this difficult reality for yourself is the first step you can take to help your dying friend.

You will probably come to accept the fact of your friend’s impending death over time, and it may not be until she actually dies that you fully and finally acknowledge the reality. This is normal.

For now, though, try to accept the reality of your friend’s medical condition, if only with your head. You will later come to accept it with your heart.

Give the Gift of Presence

Perhaps the greatest gift you can give your dying friend is the gift of your presence. Particularly if you live nearby, you have the opportunity to demonstrate your support by being there, literally, when your friend needs you most. Visit your friend at the hospital or at home-not just once, but throughout the remainder of her days. Rent a movie and bring popcorn. Play cards or Monopoly. Sit with her and watch the snow fall. Your simple presence will say to your friend, “I am willing to walk this difficult road with you and face with you whatever comes.”

Do respect your friend’s need for alone time, though, and realize that her deteriorating physical condition may leave her with little energy. She may not be up for company all the time.

Be a Good Listener

Your friend may want to openly discuss her illness and impending death, or he may avoid discussing it. The key is to follow your friend’s lead. Keep in mind that your friend will experience this illness in his own unique way.

Allow your friend to talk about his illness at his own pace. And while you can be a “safe harbor” for your friend to explain his thoughts and feelings, don’t force the situation if he resists.

Learn About Your Friend’s Illness

“People can cope with what they know, but they cannot cope with what they don’t know,” I often say. You will be better equipped to help your friend if you take it upon yourself to learn about his illness. Consult medical reference books at your local library. Request information from educational associations, such as the National Cancer Institute or the American Heart Association. With your friend’s consent, you might also talk to his physician.

If you educate yourself about the illness and its probably course, you will be a more understanding listener when he wants to talk. You will also be more prepared for the reality of the illness’s last stages.

Be Compassionate

Never say, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Comments like, “This is God’s will” or “Just be happy you have had a good life” are not constructive. Instead, they hurt and make your friend’s experience with terminal illness more difficult. If you feel the need to console your friend, simply tell him he is loved.

Offer Practical Help

Your dying friend will probably need help with the activities of daily living. Preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house or driving your friend to and from the hospital for treatment are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care.

Stay in Touch

If you’re not comfortable writing, consider sending video- or audio-taped “notes” to your friend. Or simpler yet, pick up the phone.

Get Support for Yourself

Someone you care deeply about is dying and will soon be gone. Odds are you will need support, too, as you explore your own feelings about this illness and the changes you see in your friend. Find someone who will listen to you without judgment as you talk out your own feelings. And don’t forget to take good care of yourself. Eat nutritious meals. Get ample rest. Continue to exercise. Spend time doing things that make you happy.

Many hospices offer support groups for friends and family of the dying-both before and after the death itself. Take advantage of these compassionate resources.

Realize Your Own Limitations

Not everyone can offer ongoing, supportive friendship to someone who is dying. If you feel you simply can’t cope with the situation, try to understand your reticence and learn from it. Ask yourself, “Why am I so uncomfortable with this?” and “What can I do to become a more open, compassionate friend in times of need?”

Do not, however, avoid your friend altogether. People with terminal illnesses are often abandoned by friends and family, leaving them lonely and depressed. Phone rather than visit. Write if you can’t bring yourself to phone. Let your friend know that this situation is difficult for you while at the same time acknowledging that your friend’s fears and needs come first.

On the other end of the helping spectrum, don’t become obsessed with your friend’s illness or feel that you must be her only means of support. Do not emotionally overburden yourself.

Embrace Your Own Spirituality

Seek Hope and Healing

After your friend dies, you must mourn if you are to love and live wholly again. You cannot heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief, before and after the death, will only make it more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping a Grandparent Who Is Grieving

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A child or young adult has died. Everyone who loved the child is now faced with mourning this tragic, untimely death. The child’s parents are heartbroken. But what about the grandparents? How might they be feeling? How can you help them with their unique grief?

This article will guide you in ways to turn your concern for the grandparents into positive action.

Realize that a grandparent’s grief is unique.

When a grandchild dies, the grandparent often mourns the death on many levels. The grandparent probably loved the child dearly and may have been very close to him or her. The death has created a hole in the grandparent’s life that cannot be filled by anyone else. Grandparents who were not close to the child who died, perhaps because they lived far away, may instead mourn the loss of a relationship they never had.

Grieving grandparents are also faced with witnessing their child-the parent of the child who died-mourn the death. A parent’s love for a child is perhaps the strongest of all human bonds. For the parents of the child who died, the pain of grief may seem intolerable. For the grandparents, watching their own child suffer so and feeling powerless to take away the hurt can feel almost as intolerable.

Acknowledge the grandparent’s search for meaning.

When someone loved dies, we all ponder the meaning of life and death. When a child or young adult dies, this search for meaning can be especially painful. Young people aren’t supposed to die. The death violates the natural order of life and seems terribly unfair.

For grandparents, who may have lived long, rich lives already, the struggle to understand the death may bring about feelings of guilt. “Why didn’t God take me, instead?” the grandparent may ask himself. “Why couldn’t it have been me?”

Such feelings are both normal and necessary. You can help by encouraging the grandparent to talk about them.

Respect faith and spirituality.

Many people develop strong commitments to faith and spirituality as they get older. If you allow them, grieving grandparents will “teach you” about the role of faith and spirituality in their lives. Encourage them to express their faith if doing so helps them heal in grief.

Sometimes, however, faith can naturally complicate healing. The grandparent may feel angry at God for “taking” the grandchild. He then may feel guilty about his anger, because, he may reason, God is not to be questioned. Or the grandparent may struggle with feelings of doubt about God’s plan or the afterlife.

Talking with a pastor may help the grandparent, as long as the pastor allows the grandparent to honestly express her feelings of anger, guilt and sadness. No one should tell a grandparent that she shouldn’t grieve because the child has gone to heaven; mourning and having faith are not mutually exclusive.

Listen with your heart.

You can begin to help by simply listening. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools. Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on the words that are being shared with you.

The grieving grandparent may want to share the same story about the death over and over again. It’s as if talking about the death makes it a little more bearable each time. Listen attentively. Realize that this repetition is part of the grandparent’s healing process. Simply listen and try to understand.

Sometimes grandparents, especially grandfathers, don’t want to talk about the death. They may have been raised to believe that talking about feelings is frivolous or selfish or unmanly. It’s OK; they don’t have to talk. Simply spending time with them demonstrates your love and concern.

Be compassionate.

Give the grandparent permission to express her feelings without fear of criticism. Learn from the granparent; don’t instruct or set expectations about she should respond. Never say, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Think about your helper role as someone who “walks with” not “behind” or “in front of” the grieving grandparent.

Allow the grandparent to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain that he is feeling at the time. Enter into his feelings, but never try to take them away. And recognize that tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with the death.

Avoid clichés.

Words, particularly clichÃ©s, can be extremely painful for a grieving grandparent. Clichés are trite comments often intended to provide simple solutions to difficult realities. Grandparents are often told, “God needed another angel in heaven” or “Don’t worry, John and Susie (can) have another child” or “You have to be strong for your child.” Comments like these are not constructive. Instead, they hurt because they diminish the very real and very painful loss of a unique child.

Offer practical help.

Preparing food, washing clothes, and cleaning the house are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care. And, just as with your presence, this support is needed at the time of the death as well as in the weeks and months ahead.

Write a personal note.

Sympathy cards express your concern, but there is no substitute for your personal written words. What do you say? Share a favorite memory of the child who died. Relate the special qualities that you valued in him or her. These words will be a loving gift to the grandparent, words that will be reread and remembered always.

Use the name of the child who died in your personal note and in talking to the grandparent. Hearing that name can be comforting, and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important child whom the grandparent loved and misses so much.

Be aware of holidays and other significant days.

The grandparent may have a difficult time during special occasions like holidays and other significant days, such as the child’s birthday and the anniversary of the child’s death. These events emphasize the child’s absence. Respect this pain as a natural extension of the grief process.

These are appropriate times to visit the grandparents or write a note or simply give them a quick phone call. Your ongoing support will be appreciated and healing.

“When a grandchild dies, grandparents grieve twice. They mourn the loss of the child and they feel the pain of their own child’s suffering. Sometimes we forget about the grandparents when a child dies. You can help by not forgetting, by offering the grandparents your love, support and presence in the weeks and months to come.”

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Helping Children Cope With Grief

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

When Someone Loved Dies

Adults grieve. So do children. As an adult or child, experiencing grief means to “feel,” not just to “understand.” Anyone old enough to love is old enough to grieve. Even before children are able to talk, they grieve when someone loved dies. And these feelings about the death become a part of their lives forever.

Caring adults, whether parents, relatives or friends, can help children during this time. If adults are open, honest and loving, experiencing the loss of someone loved can be a chance for children to learn about both the joy and the pain that comes from caring deeply for other people.

Talking About Death to Children

Adult sometimes have trouble facing death themselves. So open, honest discussions about death with children can be difficult. Yet adults who are able to confront, explore and learn from their own personal fears about death can help children when someone loved dies. As a result, children can form ” a healthy attitude toward both life and death.

When a death occurs, children need to be surrounded by feelings of warmth, acceptance and understanding. Caring adults can provide this support.

A Caring Adult’s Role

How adults respond when someone loved dies has a major effect on the way children react to the death. Sometimes, adults don’t want to talk about the death, assuming that by doing so children will be spared some of the pain and sadness.

However, the reality is very simple: children will grieve, anyway.

Adults who are willing to talk openly about the death help children understand that grief is a natural feeling when someone loved had died. Children need adults to confirm that it’s all right to be sad and to cry, and that the hurt they feel now won’t last forever.

When ignored, children may suffer more from feeling isolated than from the actual death itself. Worse yet, they feel all alone in their grief.

Encourage Questions About Death

When someone loved had died, adults need to be open, honest and loving. Patiently, they need to answer questions about the death in language children can understand.

Adults shouldn’t worry about having all the answers. The answers aren’t as important as the fact that they’re responding to the questions in a way that shows they care.

Children may repeat the same questions about the death again and again. It’s natural. Repeating questions and getting answers helps them understand and adjust to the loss of someone loved.

Establish a Helping Relationship

Respond to children with sensitivity and warmth. Be aware of voice tone; maintain eye contact when talking about the death. What is communicated without words can be just as meaningful to children as what is actually said.

Let children know that their feelings will be accepted. Although some of their behavior may seem inappropriate, adults need to understand children during this stressful time, not judge their behavior or criticize.

Children need to know that adults want to understand their point of view. This commitment tells a child, “You’re worthwhile; your feelings will be respected.”

Sharing Religious Beliefs with a Child

Adults often wonder if they should share with children their religious beliefs regarding death. This is a complex issue; no simple guidelines are available.

Keep in mind that adults can only share with children those concepts they truly believe. Any religious explanations about death must also be described in concrete terms; children have difficulty understanding abstractions. The theological correctness of the information is less important at this time than the fact that the adult is communicating in a loving way.

Allow Children to Participate

Create an atmosphere that tells children that their thoughts, fears and wishes will be recognized when someone loved dies. This recognition includes the right to be part of planning the arrangements for the funeral.

Although children may not completely understand the ceremony surrounding the death, being involved in the planning of the funeral helps establish a sense of comfort and the understanding that life goes on even though someone loved has died.

Since the funeral of someone loved is a significant event, children should have the same opportunity to attend as any other member of the family. That’s “allowed” to attend, but not “forced.” Explain the purpose of the funeral: as a time to honor the person who has died; as a time to help, comfort and support each other and as a time to affirm that life goes on.

Viewing the body of someone loved who has died can also be a positive experience. It provides an opportunity to say “goodbye” and helps children accept the reality of the death. As with attending the funeral, however, seeing the body should not be forced.

Growing Through Grief

Grief is complex. It will vary from child to child. Caring adults need to communicate to children that this feeling is not one to be ashamed of or something to hide. Instead, grief is a natural expression of love for the person who died.

As a caring adult, the challenge is clear: children do not choose between grieving and not grieving; adults, on the other hand, do have a choice- to help or not to help children cope with grief.

With love and understanding, adults can guide children through this vulnerable time and help make the experience a valuable part of a child’s personal growth and development.

Suggested Guidelines Concerning Children and Grief

Be a good observer. See how each child is behaving. Don’t rush in with explanations. Usually, it’s more helpful to ask exploring questions than to give quick answers.

When someone loved dies, don’t expect children’s reactions to be obvious and immediate. Be patient and b e available.

Children are part of the family, too. And reassurance comes from the presence of loving people. Children feel secure in the care of gentle arms and tenderness.

When describing the death of someone loved to a child, use simple and direct language.

Be honest. Express your own feelings regarding the death. By doing so, children have a model for expressing their own feelings. It’s all right to cry, too.

Allow children to express a full range of feelings. Anger, guilt, despair and protest are natural reactions to the death of someone loved.

Listen to children, don’t just talk to them.

No one procedure or formula will fit all children, either at the time of death or during the months that follow. Be patient, flexible and adjust to individual needs.

Adults must recognize their own personal feelings about death. Until they consciously explore their own concerns, doubts, and fears about death, it will be difficult to support children when someone loved dies.

Related Resources

Exploring the Uniqueness of Your Suicide Grief

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our suffering.”
ÑBen Okri

The wilderness of your grief is your wilderness. The death of someone from suicide feels unlike any other loss you may have experienced. The traumatic nature of the death may leave you feeling turned inside out and upside down. Your wilderness may be rockier or more level than others. Your path may be revealed in a straight line, or, more likely, it may be full of twists and turns. In the wilderness of your journey, you will experience the topography in your own unique way.

When suicide impacts our lives, we all need to grieve and to mourn . But our grief journeys are never exactly the same. Despite what you may hear, you will do the work of mourning in your own unique way. Do not adopt assumptions about how long your grief should last. Just consider taking a “one-day-at-a-time” approach. Doing so allows you to mourn at your own pace. One of my personal affirmations is “No reward for speed!”

This article invites you to explore some of the unique reasons your grief is what it isÑthe “whys” of your journey through the wilderness. The whys that follow are not all of the whys in the world, of course, just some of the more common.

Why #1: The circumstances of the suicide

Obviously, the circumstances of suicide impact the terrain of your journey. I have outlined below many specific features surrounding potential aspects of your experience. As you explore these, I encourage you to reflect on those that apply to you.

Nature of the Death is Traumatic
A suicide death is often very traumatic. You have come to grief before you are prepared to mourn. By its very nature, your grief is naturally complicated in that the death is premature, usually unexpected, and calamitous. The combination of sudden shock and the stigma and taboo associated with suicide result in a kind of psychic numbing to your spirit.

Potential “Why?” Questions
The nature of the death can lead to natural “why?” questions. You may instinctively feel the death was preventable and should not have happened.

Potential Self-Blame
As you mourn the death of someone to suicide, you may judge your own actions, attitudes, and any sense of responsibility related to the death.

Potential Investigation by Law Enforcement
Often, suicide deaths initially have to be investigated as if a crime may have taken place. At a time when your heart is broken, you may have felt you were under suspicion and experienced being interrogated surrounding the circumstances of the death.

Potential Focus on the Act Itself
Some people around you may put more focus on the act of suicide itself than on the importance of supporting you. Sometimes the first question people ask is, “How did he do it?”

Multiple Losses
You may not only be mourning the death, but loss of support from some insensitive friends and family.

Support May Be Lacking:
Some people do not know what to say or do, therefore they say or do nothing. The result for you is an experience of abandonment at the very time you need unconditional love.

Potential Relationship Cut-offs
You may find some people who literally go away and let it be known they have no desire to talk to you or support you in any way. Again, this creates more hurt on top of your overwhelming grief.

Potential Discovery of or Witnessing the Suicide
You may have discovered the body of the person you loved or even witnessed the act of suicide. This may result in you having additional special needs and may require an experienced trauma or grief counselor. This is not in any way to imply that something is wrong with you, but rather that your experience was so horrific that you may need special help to support you in your grief.

Potential Autopsy
Often, a coroner will request an autopsy as standard procedure. Some people have strong emotional and spiritual reservations surrounding an autopsy being carried out. If this decision is out of your hands, it can become very painful.

Potential Life Insurance Problems
Many life insurance policies contain a suicide clause that prohibits any claims for a suicide for a set period of time (often two years) from the life of the policy. Some families have difficulty collecting on these policies, resulting in additional grief on top of grief. Consult a qualified attorney if this is your circumstance.

Potential Media Coverage
Some print and television media seem to take some perverse joy in covering suicide deaths. This can be an additional source an anguish for suicide survivors. The public realm may have laid claim to this death, but it is still first and foremost your personal loss.

As you can see, the list of potential circumstances surrounding suicide grief are multiple and complex. I imagine there are some additional influences you can think of. Whatever the circumstances, you the will be well served to explore them and see how they shape the terrain of your journey.

A SURVIVOR SPEAKS: “I have experienced other deaths in my life, but never one like this. So many things came together in ways that make this so hard. There seems to be so many things around the circumstance of suicide that make this so overwhelming. It’s too much for any one person to cope with.”

Why #2: Your relationship with the person who completed suicide

Obviously, the relationship you had with the person who completed suicide will have a major influence on your grief experience. At one end of the spectrum, maybe you were very close and considered yourselves soul mates. Or, maybe you were “best friends” as well as husband or wife. Or, if your child completed suicide, you may be struggling with the loss of all the various aspects of the parent child relationship. Perhaps your parent completed suicide and you were always “daddy’s little girl.”

At the other end of the spectrum, perhaps you had a very difficult relationship with this person. Maybe the person had an alcohol or drug problem or was in and out of trouble with the law. Perhaps you were abused or neglected by this person. Maybe there were some mental health problems that naturally made your relationship complicated. Or, you might have had a very ambivalent relationship that was full of ongoing conflict. In some situations, it is very normal to feel a sense of relief or release after the death. Sometimes you mourn for what you wish you could have had in your relationship with the person.

Whatever the circumstances, you are the best person to describe and work toward understanding your relationship with the person who died.

A SURVIVOR SPEAKS: “I had been trying to help my son for years. I always loved him, but he wasn’t easy to like. I know I will always have some sadness around what I wish we could have had in our relationship.”

Why #3: The people in your life

Mourning the death of someone to suicide requires the outside support of other human beings. Because suicide is a topic where many people don’t know how to support you, some people in your world will probably pull away. This potential lack of support can be painful and agonizing.

To integrate suicide grief into your life demands an environment of empathy, caring, non-judgment, and gentle encouragement. The good news is that even one compassionate, supportive person can be a real difference-maker for you. Find a trusted family member, friend, fellow survivor, or sensitive counselor to companion you through the terrain of your grief. This person can and will help you survive at a time you are not sure you can.

Yes, I recognize that asking for support can be more challenging than it may sound. Early in grief it is a major accomplishment to get your feet out of bed and take a shower, let alone have the capacity to reach out for help. Yet, you need and deserve unconditional love and support.

Sometimes other people will assume you have a support system when you don’t. For example, you may have family members and friends who live near you, but you discover they have little, if any, compassion or patience for you and your grief. Sadly, some people (in an effort to protect their own emotions) like to assume you should be “over it” and “put the past in the past.” In addition, some people, fearing they will be insensitive, tend to create an environment of mutual pretense. This is where they know it was a suicide death, you know it was a suicide death, yet the unstated rule is: Don’t talk about it! When this happens, a vital ingredient to your eventual healing is missing.

At the other end of the spectrum, do look for people who are more willing to patiently help you by listening without criticism or judgment. Those people know you are the expert of your own experience and gently allow you to teach them where you are in the terrain. They know to use your loved one’s name and realize you may need to re-tell your story over and over. They often offer, when you are ready, to locate a support group or a sensitive counselor to help you on your path. In my experience, these people have often been impacted by suicide at some point in their own lives.

Even when you’re fortunate enough to have a solid support system in place, do you find that you are willing and able to accept support? If you project a need to “be strong”, “carry on” and “keep your chin up,” you may end up isolating yourself from the very people who would most like to walk with you in your journey through the wilderness of your grief.

A SURVIVOR SPEAKS: “Many of my friends think they are helping me by not talking to me about my husband. But I have come to realize I need to talk about him and what happened. People don’t think they should use the word suicide, but I need to hear it.”

Why #4: Your unique personality

What words would you use to describe yourself? What words would people use to describe you? Are you a serious person? Light-hearted? Quiet and deeply reflective? Are you a nurturer? A fixer? Are you openly expressive or do you tend to naturally inhibit your emotions? In other words, what is your personality like?

The point is that whatever your unique personality, rest assured it will be reflected in your grief. For example, if you are quiet by nature, you may express your grief quietly. If you tend to be expressive, you may openly express how you feel about your grief.

How you have responded to other changes, losses, or crises in your life may be consistent with how you respond to this death. If you tend to run away from stressful aspects of life, you may have an instinct to do the same thing now. If, however, you have always confronted crisis head on and openly, you may walk right into the center of the wilderness. Keep in mind there is no one right and only way to mourn. Part of your experience will be to accept that you are mourning in ways that reflect your unique personality.

A SURVIVOR SPEAKS: “I have always been a person who thinks better than I feel. Yet, now I realize I have no choice but to stop thinking in my head, and really feel with my heart. It is so scary, but I’m doing the best I can.”

Why #5: The unique personality of the person who completed suicide

Just as your own personality is reflected in your grief journey, so, too, is the unique personality of the person who completed suicide. What was this person like? What did he or she bring to the dance of your life? You, in part, have known who you were based on having this person in your life. Now you have and essentially lost a “mirror” that helped you know who you were. The world feels different without him or her in it.

In part, personality is the sum total of all the characteristics that made this person who he or she was. The way she talked, the way he smiled, the way she ate her food, the way he worked, the way she related to the world around herÑall these and so many more little things go into creating personality. It’s no wonder there’s so much to miss and that grief is so naturally complex when all these little things are gone all at once. Also, depending on the relationship you had, there may be things about the person that you don’t miss.

So ask yourself: What do I miss about this person? What, if anything, do I not miss? Is there anything I wish I could have changed (but realize I couldn’t) about his or her personality?

Whatever your feelings are about the personality of the person who completed suicide, find someone who will encourage you to talk about him or her openly and honestly. The key is finding someone you can trust who will listen to you without sitting in judgment of you. Yes, authentic mourning requires you be open about what you miss and what you don’t miss about this person’s personality. If you don’t have someone who can listen to you, at the very least write about it in the accompanying journal.

A SURVIVOR SPEAKS: “He struggled with depression for years, but when he told a joke, he got this huge smile on his face. Yep, that is what I miss so very much, that big smile that could make me so happy to be around him.”

Why #6: Your gender

Your gender may not only influence your grief, but also the way others relate to you. While this is not always true, men are often encouraged and expected to “be strong” and restrained. Men tend to grieve more privately, making them at risk for putting their mourning on hold. And when men do mourn, they often do so with fewer people than women do.

I have also observed that women are more likely to seek the support of a counselor or attend a support group. Men often return to work more quickly than women do, seeming to find some support in the structure and demands that are inherent to the tasks at hand.

At bottom, here is an obvious truth. Men and women are different! Based on that reality, we are gong to be influenced by our gender when it comes to mourning. This also relates to the “pressure-cooker phenomenon”. After a suicide death, everyone in a family has a high need to feel understood and little capacity to be understanding. Combine this with gender differences and you are set up to feel distant from each other. This can be particularly true for any of you as parents who are mourning the suicide death of your precious child.

I cannot emphasize enough that to take pressure off the pressure-cooker, you must, one, be respectful of how you will mourn differently than each other (that doesn’t mean you don’t love each other) and two, you must seek support outside of each other to release some of the pressure you feel in your relationship. Actually, by seeking outside support, you will ultimately have more to give each other.

Obviously, we must be careful when it comes to generalizations about gender differences. Sometimes too much is made of the difference between gender and not enough is made of the organic capacity to grieve and mourn. Once you welcome mourning into your heart, willingness and capacity to mourn often transcend gender.

A SURVIVOR SPEAKS: “I was always told that to be a man, you shouldn’t cry. But now I have no choice but to cry. If I don’t, I will come apart at the seams.”

Why #7: Your cultural/ethnic/religious/spiritual background

Your cultural and ethnic background as well as your personal belief system can have a tremendous impact on your journey into grief. When I say culture, I mean the values, rules (spoken and unspoken), and traditions that guide you and your family. Often these values, rules, and traditions have been handed down generation after generation and are shaped by the countries or areas of the world your family originally came from.

For example, some cultures are more expressive of feelings (Italian, Irish), whereas others may be more stoic (English, German). Again, while we want to avoid the trap of over-generalizing, ask yourself how the culture that has been passed down to you influences your grief.

Your religious or spiritual life might be deepened, challenged, renewed, or changed as part of your grief experience. Suicide grief can naturally disrupt the spiritual terrain of your life, and you may well find yourself questioning your beliefs as part of your work of mourning.

As you are probably aware, suicide has a long and complex history with religion. It wasn’t all that long ago that suicide was thought to be a sin by almost all major faiths. Thank God that in contemporary times and surrounded by much information and education, suicide is no longer considered a sin by the majority of world religions. Many, but not all, communities of faith offer compassion and support to survivors. If you are part of a faith community, I certainly hope and pray that is your experience. If not, be assured that there are many faith communities that can and will support you in your grief.

Let me be very direct with youÑif you turn to a clergyperson for support and he or she tells you that suicide is an unpardonable sin, go someplace else to get the support and non-judgment you both need and deserve. And remember what someone wise once said:, “The God I have come to believe in is not in the judging business.” Find someone to support you who is a good fit for your spiritual needs right now. Also, if you are not a person of religion, don’t allow people to force you to “find God” or seek out religious answers that do not speak to you. Your journey through the terrain of your healing is yours alone, and the paths you take to do that are up to you.

Yes, when someone you are connected to completes suicide, you may feel very close to God or a Higher Power, or you may feel distant, perhaps even hostile. You may find yourself asking questions such as, “Why has this happened to me?” or “Where is God in this?” When you are faced with a suicide, you are faced with mystery. No, you may not discover answers to your questions about faith or spirituality, but that doesn’t mean you should not ask them. After all, the greatest religious figures in history have done this very same thing. As I mentioned earlier in this book, mystery is actually the ancient name for God, and God can handle your questions.

Faith means to believe in something for which there is no proof. For some people, faith means believing in and following a set of religious rules. For others, faith is a belief in God, a spiritual presence, or a force that is greater than we are. Whatever your beliefs, in befriending the mystery surrounding the suicide of someone you love, there is an acknowledgment that certain things cannot be changed. Yet, even as the reality of the death cannot be altered, you and I can have hope for our healing.

I would be remiss if I didn’t warn you to be alert to folks who project to you that if you “have faith,” you can bypass the need to mourn. If you internalize this misconception, you will set yourself up to grieve internally but not mourn externally. Having faith does not mean you do not need to mourn. Having faith does mean having the courage to allow yourself to mourn!

With the death of someone to suicide comes a natural “search for meaning.” You have probably found yourself re-evaluating your life based on this loss. You will need someone who is willing and able to honor your need to explore your religious or spiritual values, question your attitude toward life, and support you unconditionally as you renew your resources for living. This part of the terrain of your grief takes time, and it may well lead to some changes in your values, beliefs, and lifestyle.

A SURVIVOR SPEAKS: “I have to change some of what I call my Ôfaith friends.’ Some people have had the nerve to tell me my wife is now in hell. That is not my God. So I have had to be careful whom I spend time with. My best friends are now what I call my Ônonjudgmental friends.'”

Why #8: Other changes, crisis, or stresses in your life right now

There is often a ripple effect of additional losses that impacts you following a suicide death. Although we think it shouldn’t, the world does keep turning after the tragic death of people in our lives. The normal demands of going to work can be overwhelming.

Maybe you or someone in your family has an illness that demands your attention. You may have people who are dependent on you to care for them. You may have a number of commitments yet little time and energy for all the demands you are experiencing.

Whatever your specific situation, I imagine your grief is not the only stress in your life right now. And the more intense and numerous the stresses in your life, the more drained and empty you may feel at times.

You may well feel like your life is in total chaos right now. That is why you will want to pay special attention to the importance of nurturing yourself and reaching out for and accepting help. Yes you are overwhelmed right now, and it may be difficult to believe you will survive this death. Allow me to gently remind you to be patient and self-nurturing during this time of overwhelming grief in your life.

Why #9: Your experience with loss and death in the past

One way to think about yourself is that you are the sum total of all that you have experienced in your life so far. One “why?” of your response to this death is your past loss history. Perhaps this is your very first experience with death, particularly a sudden, traumatic death. In contrast, some people experience a series of deaths and are overwhelmed by these multiple losses. What about you? Also, what other non-death-related losses have you experienced in the past?

Regardless of your prior loss experiences, there is little that can prepare you for the wilderness you are now in. However, I have found that it is helpful to invite you to reflect on your history of losses and consider how they influence, if at all, your current journey into grief.

A SURVIVOR SPEAKS: “I have had three deaths in the last sixteen months, this last one being a suicide. I have had to get help because I’m not just mourning one death. I have discovered each death is so unique.”

Why #10: Your physical health

How you feel physically has a significant effect on your grief. We know that your immune system is compromised when you experience death loss, particularly a sudden, traumatic death.

Perhaps you have an existing illness that was already impacting your life. If you are physically ill, your body symptoms may actually inhibit some of your capacity to mourn at emotional and spiritual levels. We will discuss this important issue further in the self-care chapter. You might also consider browsing my book entitled Healing Your Grieving Body: 100 Physical Practices for Mourners . For now, please consider that taking care of yourself physically is one of the best things you can do to lay the foundation for your need to mourn well, so you can eventually go on to live well. Yes, despite what you believe right now, you can and will go on to experience the miracle of healing and discover renewed purpose in your life.

The Journey Through Grief: The Mourner’s Six “Reconciliation Needs”

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the movement from the “before” to the “after” is almost always a long, painful journey. From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of grieving people I have worked with over the years, I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.

I have also learned that the journey requires mourning. There is an important difference, you see. Grief is what you think and feel on the inside after someone you love dies. Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys. We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.

There are six “yield signs” you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief – what I call the “reconciliation needs of mourning.” For while your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to heal.

Need 1. Acknowledging the reality of the death.

This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again.

Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. It’s as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real.

Remember – this first need of mourning, like the other five that follow, may intermittently require your attention for months. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them.

Need 2. Embracing the pain of the loss.

This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss – something we naturally don’t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it.

You will probably discover that you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.

Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to “carry on” or “keep your chin up.” If, on the other hand, you remain “strong” and “in control,” you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.

Need 3. Remembering the person who died.

Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die? Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship.

But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house. But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past.

Need 4. Developing a new self-identity.

Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes.

You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent.” The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed.

A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage, someone still has to buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained.

You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear.

Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example. You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss.

Need 5. Searching for meaning.

When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask “How?” and “Why” questions.

“How could God let this happen?” “Why did this happen now, in this way?” The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless.

The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty.

This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.

Need 6. Receiving ongoing support from others.

The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot – nor should you try to – do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life.

Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to “carry on,” “keep your chin up” and “keep busy,” many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. “It’s over and done with” and “It’s time to get on with your life” are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate. Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it.

To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed – even encouraged – to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.

Reconciling your grief

You may have heard – indeed you may believe – that your grief journey’s end will come when you resolve, or recover from, your grief. But your journey will never end. People do not “get over” grief.

Reconciliation is a term I find more appropriate for what occurs as the mourner works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who died. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death and a capacity to become reinvolved in the activities of living.

In reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief gives rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feeling of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that your life can and will move forward.

Related Resources

The Journey Through Grief: Reflections on Healing (book)

Helping a Man Who is Grieving

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A man you care about is grieving. Someone he loved has died and you would like to help him during this difficult time. This brochure will help you know what to do and say as you offer your love and companionship to your friend.

Men feel the need to be strong.

Even in the face of tragic loss, many men in our society still feel the need to be self-contained, stoic and to express little or no outward emotion. It is very much in vogue today to encourage men to openly express their feelings, but in practice few men do so. The outward expression of grief is called mourning. All men grieve when someone they love dies, but if they are to heal, they must also mourn.

You can help by offering a “safe place” for your friend to mourn. Tell him you’d like to help. Offer to listen whenever he wants to talk. Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on the words that are being shared with you. Let him know that in your presence at least, it’s OK for him to express whatever feelings he might have-sadness, anger, guilt, fear. Around you, he doesn’t have to be strong because you will offer support without judgment.

Men feel the need to be active.

The grief experience naturally creates a turning inward and slowing down on the part of the mourner, a temporary self-focus that is vital to the ultimate healing process. Yet for many men this is threatening. Masculinity is equated with striving, moving and activity. Many grieving men throw themselves into their work in an attempt to distract themselves from their painful feelings.

Maybe you can offer your friend both activity and time for reflection. Ask him to shoot hoops or play golf. Go for a hike or fishing with your friend. Let him know that you really want to hear how he’s doing, how he’s feeling. In the context of these activities he just might share some of his innermost thoughts.

Active problem-solving is another common male response to grief. If a father’s child dies of SIDS, for example, the father may become actively involved in fundraising for SIDS research. A husband whose wife is killed may focus on the legal circumstances surrounding the death. Such activities can be healing for grieving men and should be encouraged.

Men feel the need to be protectors.

Men are generally thought of as the “protectors” of the family. They typically work to provide their spouses and children with a warm, safe home, safe transportation and good medical care. So when a member of his family dies, the “man of the house” may feel guilty. No matter how out of his control the death was, the man may feel deep down that he has failed at protecting the people in his care.

If your friend expresses such thoughts, you will probably feel the need to reassure him that the death was not his fault. Actually, you may help your friend more by just listening and trying to understand. By allowing him to talk about his feelings of failure, you are helping him to work through these feelings in his own way and his own time.

It’s OK for men to grieve differently.

We’ve said that men feel the need to be strong and active in the face of grief. Such responses are OK as long as your friend isn’t avoiding his feelings altogether. It’s also OK for men to feel and express rage, to be more cognitive or analytical about the death, to not cry. All of these typically masculine responses to grief may help your friend heal; there is no one “right” way to mourn a death.

Avoid clichés.

Sometimes words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful for mourners. Clichés are trite comments often intended to provide simple solutions to difficult realities. Men are often told “You’ll get over this” or “Don’t worry, you and Susie (can) have another child” or “Think about the good times.” Comments like these are not constructive. Instead, they hurt because they diminish a very real and very painful loss.

Make contact.

Your presence at the funeral is important. As a ritual, the funeral provides an opportunity for you to express your love and concern at this time of need. As you pay tribute to a life that is now passed, you have a chance to support your grieving friend. At the funeral, a touch of your hand, a look in your eye or even a hug communicates more than words could ever say.

But don’t just attend the funeral then disappear. Remain available afterwards as well. Grief is a process, and it may take your friend years to reconcile himself to his new life. Remember that your grieving friend may need you more in the weeks and months after the funeral than at the time of the death.

Be aware of holidays and other significant days.

Your friend may have a difficult time during special occasions like holidays and other significant days, such as the birthday of the person who died and the anniversary of the death. These events emphasize the person’s absence. Respect this pain as a natural extension of the grief process.

These are appropriate times to visit your friend or write a note or simply give him a quick phone call. Your ongoing support will be appreciated and healing.

Watch for warning signs.

Men who deny and repress their real feelings of grief may suffer serious long-term problems. Among these are:

chronic depression, withdrawal and low self-esteem
deterioration in relationships with friends and family
physical complaints such as headaches, fatigue and backaches
chronic anxiety, agitation and restlessness
chemical abuse or dependence
indifference toward others, insensitivity and workaholism

If you see any of these symptoms in your friend, talk to him about your concern. Find helping resources for him in his community, such as support groups and grief counselors. You can’t force your friend to seek help but you can make it easier for him to seek help.

Understand the importance of the loss.

Always remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience. As a result of this death, your friend’s life is under reconstruction. Consider the significance of the loss and be compassionate and available in the weeks and months to come.

“Helping a friend in grief is a difficult task. Helping a man in grief can be especially difficult, so few friends follow through in their desire to help. I encourage you to stand by your friend during this painful time. Your ongoing presence, patience and support will help him more than you will ever know.”

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Center for Loss and Life Transition

About the Author

Helping Yourself Live When You Are Seriously Ill

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

You have learned that you have a life-threatening illness. Even if you have the loving support of family and friends, you may feel alone as you question your future health. This article is intended to help you live with your life-threatening illness.

Acknowledging Your Illness

Learning that you are seriously ill is a blow. If the onset of the illness was sudden or unexpected, you will likely feel shock and numbness at first. This is a natural and necessary response to painful news.

You can only cope with this new reality in doses. You will first come to understand it in your head, and only over the weeks and even months to come will you come to understand it with your heart.

To acknowledge that you have a life-threatening illness-be it cancer, heart disease or something else-is to acknowledge a major life transition. This transition is one that at some level we think only happens to other people, not us. Yet, inexplicably, it is happening to you. You are faced with a multitude of questions. What treatment should I pursue? Will my treatments reverse, delay or cure my illness? Who can I talk to about my thoughts and feelings? Am I going to die?

Facing the Unknown About the Illness

Discovering that you have a life-threatening illness naturally makes you take inventory of your life. You have a right to have questions, fears and hopes. Illness establishes new directions and often causes some questioning of old directions. New thoughts, feelings and action patterns will emerge. The unknown invites you to question and search for the meaning of your life, in the past, present and future.

Accept Your Respnse to the Illness

Each person responds to news of illness in his or her own unique way. You, too, will have your response, be it fear, excitement, anger, loss, grief, denial, hope or any combination of emotions. Becoming aware of how you respond right now is to discover how you will live with your illness. Don’t let others prescribe how you feel; find people who encourage you to teach them how you feel. After all, there is no right or wrong way for you to think and feel.

Respect Your Own Need for Talk, for Silence

But if you don’t want to talk about your illness, don’t force yourself. Perhaps you will be able to open up more later on, after you have lived with the reality of your illness for a time.

Telling Your Family and Friends About Your Illness

Your family and closest friends deserve to know what is happening to you. Tell them when you feel able to.

Be aware that everyone will react differently to your news, just as each seriously ill person reacts differently to his or her own illness. Many will be shocked. Many will cry. Some will refuse to believe it. Some will spring into helpful action by running errands for you, offering to clean your house, etc.Â Â

Even children deserve to be told about your illness. As with all people, children can cope with what they know. They cannot cope with what they don’t know. Be honest with them as you explain the situation in language they will understand. Don’t overexplain, but do answer any questions they may have.

Be an Active Participant in your Treatment

Many people are taught as “patients” to be passive recipients of the care provided by medical experts. But don’t forget-this is your body, your life. Don’t fail to ask questions that are important to your emotional and physical well-being out of fear that you will be “taking up someone’s time.”

If you educate yourself about the illness and its treatments, you will better understand what is happening to you. You will be better equipped to advocate for personalized, compassionate care. You may not be in control of your illness, but you can and should be in control of your care.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your illness and its treatment will almost surely leave you feeling fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get enough rest. Eat balanced meals.Â Lighten your schedule as much as possible.

Find Hope

When people are seriously ill, we tend to get caught up in statistics and averages about physical deterioration, treatments and survival. These can be helpful to know, but they don’t always provide spiritual and emotional comfort.

Even if your future is guarded, you can find hope in your next treatment, your next visit from someone loved, your spirituality. At bottom, hope means finding meaning in life-whether that life will last five more months, five more years or five more decades.

Embrace Your Spirituality

Reach Out for Support

Many of us grew up believing, “Do it on your own so you don’t have to depend on anyone else.” But confronting a life-threatening illness cannot and should not be done alone. As difficult as it may be for you, you must reach out to your fellow human beings. Most of us know who we feel comfortable turning to when we are under stress. Who do you turn to? Give yourself permission to reach out for prayers, support and practical assistance.

If you do not have a large circle of family and friends, find out about local support groups for people with life-threatening illness. You might also consider seeing a counselor one-on-one. Whatever you do, don’t isolate yourself and withdraw from people who love you.

About the Author

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

The Mourner’s Bill of Rights

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Tenet 1: Companioning Principle

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain.

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

To be bereaved literally means to be “torn apart.” When someone is torn apart, there is a natural need to embrace the heartfelt pain of the loss. There is no pill we can take to relieve the pain and suffering, and no surgery that can reassemble the pieces of a broken heart. The way in which we care for fellow humans who are suffering the pain of loss has much to do with the ways in which we will be able to supportively companion others.

Sadly, current North American culture often makes the person in grief feel intense shame and embarrassment about feelings of pain and suffering. People who are perceived as “doing well” with their grief are considered “strong” and “under control.” Society erroneously implies that if grieving people openly express feelings of pain and suffering, they are immature or overly emotional.

In contemporary North American culture, pain and feelings of loss are experiences most people try to avoid. Why? Because the role of suffering is misunderstood. Normal thoughts and feelings that result from loss are typically seen as unnecessary and inappropriate. Yet, only in gathering courage to move toward this hurt is anyone able to ultimately heal.

Grief Is Not Shameful

As the bereaved experience grief, they are often greeted with what I call “buck-up therapy”-message like “carry on,” “keep your chin up,” or “just keep busy.” And combined with these messages is often another unstated but strong belief: “You have a right not to hurt-so do whatever is necessary to avoid it.” In sum, the person in grief is often encouraged to deny, avoid, or numb themselves to the pain of the experience.

When personal feelings of grief are met with shame-based messages or silent indifference, discovering how to integrate the loss becomes all but impossible. If the bereaved person internalizes stated and unstated messages that encourage the repression, avoidance, or numbing of grief, they often become powerless to help themselves. I often say that finding the way into and through grief is often more difficult than finding a way beyond it. In fact, internalizing the belief that mourning is wrong or bad tempts many people to act as if they feel better than they really do. Ultimately, denying the grief denies one the essence of life and puts one at risk for living in the “shadow of the ghosts of grief.”

When we as caregivers experience the pain and suffering of a fellow human being, we instinctively want to take the pain away. Yet, to truly companion another human being requires that we sit with the pain as we overcome the instinct to want to “fix.” We may discover that we want to fix another’s pain because it is hurting us too much.

Suffering doesn’t mean something is wrong. It isn’t happening because we made the wrong move or said the wrong thing. As Thomas Moore wisely noted, “The basic intention of any caring-physical or psychological-is to alleviate suffering. But in relation to the symptom itself, observance means first of all listening and looking carefully at what is being revealed in the suffering. An intent to heal can get in the way of seeing. By doing less, more is accomplished.”

Ultimately, if we rush in to take away a person’s grief pain, we also take away the opportunity for her to integrate the loss into her life. To be truly a healing presence, we must be able to share another person’s pain while realizing there is nothing we can do to instantly relieve it and knowing that we are not responsible for it-all the while seeking to empathetically understand what the pain feels like. The paradox of entering into the pain lies in the truth that as you affirm someone’s feelings of suffering, you are also affirming his eventual capacity to move beyond those feelings. As Helen Keller taught us years ago, “The only way to the other side is through.”

The Wisdom of the Soul

Yes, sometimes it may seem as if you are “doing” very little as you open your heart to a fellow struggler. And yet this is an example of how companioning inspires an attribute of the soul: wisdom. Wisdom is the sense of recognizing that in your helplessness you ultimately become helpful. A wise caregiver will have the wisdom to know what she can do, accept what she can’t do, and have the spirit of the heart engaged in ways that can and do make a difference.

In providing a soulful response to another person’s pain, we must discover and nurture two qualities that are within us: humility and “unknowing.” We must first be present with an open mind and an open heart. To be open in this way of being is not an absence of thought, however. In fact, it is a clear, focused attentiveness to the moment. It is about immediacy-being present in the here and now.

When we as caregivers focus the power of our attention on the suffering of another human being, the full measure of our soul becomes available to her. Releasing any preconceptions of the need to take away pain allows our hearts to open wide and be infinitely more present, loving and compassionate. Presence in the fullness of the moment is where the soul resides.

And being present to people in the pain of their grief is about being present to them in their “soul work.” There is a lovely Jungian distinction between “soul work” and “spirit work.”

Soul work: a downward movement in the psyche; a willingness to connect with what is dark, deep, and not necessarily pleasant.

Spirit work: a quality of moving toward the light; upward, ascending.

In part, being present to another person’s pain of grief is about being willing to descend with them into their soul work-which precedes their spirit work. A large part of being present to someone in soul work is to bear witness to the pain and suffering and not to think of it as a door to someplace else. This can help keep you in the moment. Dark, deep and unpleasant emotions need to be held in the same way happiness and joy need to be held-with respect and humility.

Acknowledging Our Own Suffering

As our hearts begin to open to the presence of suffering, challenging thoughts may creep in. Can I really help this person? Is the pain of his loss touching my own losses? If I reach out to support, what will happen to me? In the push-pull this experience triggers, there is little wonder that being present to the suffering of others seems so difficult.

The capacity to acknowledge our own discomfort when confronted with suffering is usually less overwhelming when it is no longer minimized or denied. To give attention to our helplessness can free us to open more fully to another as well as to our own pain and suffering. We no longer find ourselves wanting to run away. We can slow down, be still and open to the presence of the pain. We can witness what is without feeling the need to fix it!

When we become conscious that any part of us wants to run away from the pain, we can gently embrace it; an entire new level of receptiveness becomes possible. As we become the companion, we begin to see what is being asked of us that is not so much about “doing” but instead about “being.” We discover what anxieties and fears might be inhibiting our helping hearts, and come to trust the healing power of presence.

Finally, we can begin to listen-truly listen and give honor to the pain. Instead of pushing away suffering or merely releasing the need to “fix” it, we are able to enter into it. We are not indifferent or passive; we are fully available and open. We are truly being hospitable to the pain of another person.

In opening to our own suffering from life losses, we enhance our desire to be of service to those around us. We become truly available at deeper levels of our souls. We do not deny pain but open to it and learn what it is trying to teach us. In becoming more sensitive and responsive to one’s own pain as well as the pain of others, we continue to see ourselves as students always learning to become more heartfelt companions to our fellow strugglers. What an honor!

Related Resources

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

Blog

How Much Does Cremation Cost in Laguna Hills, CA?

How Much Does a Funeral Cost in Laguna Hills, CA?

50 Years Ago Our Doors Opened on Alicia Parkway …

Kids and Their First Funeral: How We Prepared Them & How it Went | Part 2

Kids and Their First Viewing: How We Prepared Them & How it Went | Part 1

This is Part 1 of a Series on Kids & Funerals

In preparing them for what the viewing would be like, we said things like this:

I didn’t know how they would act, here’s what happened:

The Grief of Watching Your Home Burn

Most people do not experience loss on this scale. The loss of a home is devastating, the loss of every possession inside is heart-breaking, the loss of the entire neighborhood or city is unimaginable.

If you are not a fire victim but finding yourself in need of an outlet for your sorrow or your energy and need to do something, below are a few ideas of what you can do:

The Difference a Remembrance Service Makes

For the last 15 years I have attended the annual Candlelight Service of Remembrance for the families we have served. Each year is a mix of returning families from years past and families for whom this is their first tearful Christmas without their loved one.

Making a plan for this can be so helpful.

Set a start and stop time or have a list of things you want to do to remember and honor. Having some parameters will help you find an ending that allows you to leave that grief space and take a break or be done for the night.

Grieving Who You Were and Who You Will Never Be

In grief we are constantly assessing the steadiness of our new foundation; “What does this mean? Who was I and who am I now? Will I ever be ok again?”

The above and below are all different versions of “will I be ok?” and they are worth asking:

While the questions above have a lot to offer but I think a question stands out that grievers deserve to ask themselves:

The BIG Grief Days (and making it through)

Seasons – is there a Springtime in Grief?

I see Fall as the season of dying. Leaves fall away and we watch the glow of summer (the season of life) come to an end. Winter is the season of grief. The cold and dark of winter reenforce the lonely and difficult journey of grief.

Let’s look at what a springtime in grief could look like.

All the Ways You’re Still With Me

I have this to offer: we find what we look for.

So, if you want to feel that connection to your loved one, here are a few things to look for:

We find what we look for.

May you find you are surrounded by love this holiday season.

The Opposite of “Happy Holidays”

How to Thoughtfully Cope with Grief and Gatherings

Here are a few ideas on how to cope and prepare for the holidays when someone you love will not be there:

You will not do this perfectly. It will be hard. You will miss them so much.

Don’t Pause Your Life to Heal

It seems that what needs redefinition in this instance of what it means to heal.

And I guess that’s the other part of healing that varies so strongly from how we see it or how we want it to be.

Grief is Connective Tissue

Grief is Separation

Grief Connects Us

Grief Offers a Path to Life

125 Years – Our Legacy

A breakdown of this mission statement looks a little like this:

Those are the beautiful intangibles that describe some of what goes on here at O’Connor.

What are some of the practical ways we ensure that O’Connor stands apart? It’s not something that comes up often, but since we are celebrating 125 years, we are taking the moment to shine the light on these unique efforts.

A testimony to the incredible work of our team can easily be found in our stunning online reviews. Below are some of the reviews that have absolutely blown us away just this year:

Why Do We Tell Stories?

Memory stories are connective tissue.

Suffering stories are also connective tissue.

Stories offer hope.

What is the Goal of Grief?

The Hard Call of End-of-Life Work (& How We Find Our Purpose)

The Next Time Someone Says “Just throw me in a ditch …” Say This …

“You know, you mean too much to me to do nothing. I love you and I’m going to make sure we have a special send-off for you. I want that and so will the rest of our family and friends. You matter.”

The Rabbit Listened: A Children’s Book on The Healing Power of Listening

“Listen. People start to heal the moment they feel heard.”

– Cheryl Robinson

If you are wondering how to “be there” for a friend after a terrible tragedy, buy this book for the two of you and talk about it, practice it, do it.

Grief: What is the Rush to be “Ok”?

The clincher to this pressure is that it holds appeal.

I can assure you that someone in grief does not want to stay there all the time or for their whole life.

Grief becomes something we learn to live with and enfold into our life story. It doesn’t stay constantly achy, sharp and stingy – it resolves itself into our new normal.

Pick a Number: Making it Through a New Year and the Hard Days Ahead

Remember that number I asked you to pick? Go through this list and count to your number and whatever word you land on, that can be your word.

The Need to Remember

“I am thankful for your life.”

Even in grief, I can find gratitude and peace.

Making Your Own Ofrenda: Remembering Loved Ones at Home

So, we built our own ofrenda.

What do you need to build your own ofrenda?

As you walk by your ofrenda or feel drawn to it, allow yourself a few experiences:

Pausing to Remember 9/11 || 20 Years Later

I hope that tomorrow, if you feel the desire to pause, you honor it.

“Should we still have a funeral?”

I want to invite you to think about the funeral you didn’t get to have:

The best advice I can give is this:

July | Bereaved Parents Awareness Month

For the friends of bereaved parents:

So often, bereaved people’s loss is further traumatized, complicated and aggravated by the loss of significant friendships.

For the bereaved parents:

Below are some guides and permissions for behavior that I hope are helpful as you navigate this stormy grief: