So, I Went to a Death Conference …
2 weeks ago I found myself on an early flight out of John Wayne with a final destination of Baltimore, MD.
“Why are you flying to Baltimore?” the nice lady next to me in 26E asked.
“I’m going to a conference.”
“Oh, what kind of conference?”
(sigh) “Well, it’s a Death Conference, I mean a conference on death, it’s death education to be specific.”
“Oh,” she replied, “that’s interesting.” She pointed out Annapolis to me and a few bridges she didn’t know the names of and said no more. Death always kills a conversation.
Thankfully, death doesn’t kill conversations when you’re with a bunch of people who are specializing, studying, measuring and passionate about death. And so I arrived at the Association of Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) conference and found friends, people who didn’t cringe when I said I was from a funeral home, people united with me in our mutual interest and unique purpose.
It would be impossible to convey the amount of information and education that permeated our 3 days so I’ve compiled some of my favorite quotes and take-aways from the conference sessions, I hope you find something inspiring & new (and will feel like it’s ok to carry on conversations with people who go to death conferences):
“We are wired for attachment in a world of impermanence.”
– Robert Neimeyer, PhD from his speech accepting the “Life Time Achievement Award”
*To hear some of the brilliance of Dr. Neimeyer (one of the few people I’ve found who wastes absolutely no words) click here – it’s amazing!
“It is easier to care for your feet if you put slippers on rather than striving to carpet the earth.”
– Robert Wicks, PsyD from his keynote speech: Riding the Dragon: Strengthening the Inner Life of the Caregiver
“Society treats grief like the flu but losses are actually transformational – they change us. It’s not that loss is a burden we can set down, it is a strengthening of our back.”
– John Jordan, PhD from the session: Our Work, Ourselves, Reflecting On Our Own Losses as Thanatologists
“When we are talking to others we are always making decisions about what parts of ourselves we can reveal to them … You may want to share with some and not share with others. you will want to share [your grief story] the most with those whose stories intersect.”
– Phyllis Kosminsky, PhD, FT from the session: Our Work, Ourselves, Reflecting On Our Own Losses as Thanatologists
“No one needs to be the prisoner of his own biography.”
– Robert Neimeyer, PhD from the session: Our Work, Ourselves, Reflecting On Our Own Losses as Thanatologists
“Death is not always the most profound of losses for some people … lack of grief in non-death losses has resulted in this group of people having a lower rate of seeking help vs. death loss grievers.”
“When defining loss we should be listening to what people are telling us they are grieving, not just what we have traditionally associated with grief.”
– Mary Alice Varga from the session: Research that Matters 2014: Non-Death Losses
and probably my favorite quote or simile from the conference,
“Death is like taking off a tight shoe.”
– Rebecca Brown, MDiv, CT from the session: Don’t Mean To Dwell On This Dying Thing
*And yes, for you Dave Matthews fans out there the title of her talk comes from his song “Pig”. Rebecca was absolutely phenomenal, she works with teenagers who are sick and dying and does wonderful work with Streetlight to hear this amazing 20 minute talk on TED Talks, click here.
I hope you found these extraordinary quotes/thoughts interesting and I also hope that perhaps they tapped something inside of you, a thought or feeling you’ve had for a long time but couldn’t put into words.
Please, share your thoughts in the comments below – I’d love to know what these bring out in you.
|| what do you think?
Does one of these quotes in particular strike you?
Has your impression of a “Death Conference” changed after reading this?
Will you be joining us next year in San Antonio, TX for ADEC 2015?? ; )
52 Comments
Molly, Thank you for giving us a glimpse into the ADEC conference. Professionals get better at their profession because of events like this where the best and brightest in their field of expertise come together to share what they know. I am energized by the ideas that you shared and want to know and do more with them. I love this about our team and the funerals service professionals who are our co-laborers across this country and the world who want the very best healing and meaningful events for the families we encounter who are deep in the journey of their own grief.
That’s right, in order to be the best we must pursue and surround ourselves with excellence. I can’t even begin to tell you about this amazing week and how much I am already looking forward to next year. I feel so blessed to work for a business that prizes my learning experiences as highly as I do – perfect job!
Molly
Molly,
Thanks for sharing your experience with us, it sounds like you had an enlightening time. It is always interesting and sometimes even comical when we communicate to people what we do. In my two plus decades of working at O’Connors and being in the death care industry I seem to get one of two responses almost every time. People either run away from you as fast as they can or they gravitate towards you and never leave your side asking question after question.
I love the quotes you shared, they can be a quick and helpful means to conveying a thought or topic. I hope you continue your journey of education and enlightenment.
Love,
Chuck
Chuck,
Thank you so much – I know how much you like inspirational quotes, I always love the ones you share with us and I was hopeful you would enjoy this alternative kind of post.
It’s fascinating what you can learn about people just by observing their reaction to the word “death” – you typically don’t have to say much more to figure out if they’re comfortable, eager to share, or terrified.
Thanks for sharing Chuck!
Im so jealous of you Molly! You get to go to all of these cool events, and meet cool people, and most of all, talk to these people about our work! Sign me up for that!
Great blog. These quotes are prodding to my understanding of this profession, and has opened my mind to different viewpoints of the “process” and our profession. Thank you!
Michael
Michael – you are so right, I do get to do so many cool things – but I’ll have you know that I wouldn’t be able to do any of this with the pride and confidence I have if people like you weren’t making my stories possible. We are all a part of this machine but it would be fun to switch places sometimes and see what the other side is like.
I love that these quotes are having the same effect on you that they had on me – there are so many other ways to experience, look at and understand grief – it’s just an incredible piece of every life that shapes and burdens all of us into hopefully stronger and better, more compassionate people.
I hope to see you at ADEC one day!
Molly
Molly, I am so glad I was able to share my first experience attending the ADEC conference with YOU! It is so true that to convey everything that soaked into my brain over the three days is impossible.
You captured some amazing quotes. I think my favorite is Dr. Neimeyer’s quote, “We are wired for attachment in a world of impermanence.” Another quote that resonated with me was from Dr. Wicks, who stated, “Even in your suffering, you can think of others. Even in your pain, you can remember you are a part of community.”
Both of these quotes focus on the importance and the value of community in the grieving process. We are not meant to go this journey alone.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful insights!!
Becky
Oh Becky, I love that one from Dr. Wicks – I should’ve compared notes with you before putting this up!
It was such a pleasure going on this trip with you and having such an overwhelmingly positive, open and enlightening experience.
Thank you for being such a wonderful travel partner 7 for helping me soak all of this in ; )
Molly
Molly,
I am so glad you were able to attend such an awesome conference and able to sit at the feet of some of the best and learn.
I believe my back is getting stronger also. Having completed my first year alone without Lou seemed impossible from the perspective of looking ahead. Looking back, it wasn’t, just not my vote.
Everything we learn builds upon the foundation of what came before. The building blocks that come out of experiences like this will shape you long after the specific details fade.
Thank you for sharing
Anne
Anne,
I’m so glad that John Jordan’s quote resonate with you & that you can identify the anatomy of it in the past year that you’ve had. There is strength in carrying the burdens that have been giving them to us and there is relief when we are able to show them to others and share it for however long.
You’ve made it through a year and now another one looms ahead, I’m glad you know it’s not impossible and that you’ve seen a strength in yourself you weren’t sure was there.
Molly