The Grief of Watching Your Home Burn

The Grief of Watching Your Home Burn …

In the wake of the ongoing and devastating fires here in Southern California, it felt appropriate to write about the grief we have been plunged into.

We have a tendency to minimize loss in order to make it less scary and more distant. This is compounded when the loss consists of seemingly “replaceable” things. Non-death losses like the loss of a car, home, or personal item can be significant sources of staggering loss.

Most people do not experience loss on this scale. The loss of a home is devastating, the loss of every possession inside is heart-breaking, the loss of the entire neighborhood or city is unimaginable.

If you or someone you know is experiencing loss on this scale, you’re right in thinking your life will never be the same. And that is something to grieve. The road ahead is not going to be uniform, comfortable, or swift. This is grief territory.

At this point in our lives, most of us have experienced and grieved natural disasters and devastating world events. You may have some idea of how you move through your grief and what is helpful to you.

For me, last night I was driving my daughter to rehearsal and for the first time I caught a glimpse of the smoke. The sunset wasn’t visible, it was just a horizon of a thick smokey brown. As we kept driving the views kept showing more and more of the proof that LA was burning. From the seat in my car in my undisrupted life, I felt profound sadness in witnessing (from a great distance), evidence of this still blazing tragedy.

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If you are a victim of this fire, it’s too early to talk to you about your grief – it is still taking shape. You are in the most chaotic and disorienting hours of your life. We are so sorry. Your community is trying to wrap themselves around you as best they can – let them. Take help. Hold hands. You aren’t alone.

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If you are not a fire victim but finding yourself in need of an outlet for your sorrow or your energy and need to do something, below are a few ideas of what you can do:

• Take in the information, pictures, and stories that you want but be mindful of when you need to take a break. Breaks are not only allowed they are necessary. We can’t all go through grief endlessly pouring over what was, we need to also connect to reality and what’s next.
• Find a way to donate something. Clothing, money, time. All will be needed.
  • If you want to contribute money toward a highly reputable charity with boots on the ground, Convoy of Hope is a safe place to consider.
  • For a comprehensive list of donation ideas and locations, take a look at this LA Times link. There are places for clothing donation, centers taking critical items for babies and families, and opportunities to foster a pet now without a yard and home.
• If you’re like me, you’ve never lived close enough to a disaster like this to do anything more than donate financially. There is a unique opportunity to do more if we are able. In the coming days and weeks opportunities will start to show themselves and we can be real sources of help in our community.

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My hope in writing this is to validate the deep and aching pain we are collectively feeling with each firey photo and glimpse of the smokey horizon. Channeling that sorrow into supportive action is one of our most profound tools in working through grief. While we can’t restore these homes, neighborhoods, or possessions, we can care for the people.

In the wake of tragedy, we soften toward each other as our own fragility is shown to us. If there is any good thing that can come from these fires, let it be how we treat each other in the aftermath.