Life Changes in an Instant: When We Are Faced With the Possibility of Losing a Loved One During the Holidays
The first day of Autumn has come and gone. Years of experience tells me that it is a downhill slide into the holiday season. The time of hustle and bustle has arrived.
The streets, malls and restaurants will all be filled to capacity. It is the season of memories and family traditions and for some, a season of loss.
This is the time of year when I long for my childhood. The holidays were easy and carefree back then. My biggest concern was whether or not Santa Claus would remember exactly which doll or bicycle I wanted. I knew I would be with my family for every single holiday.
Adulthood can take away much of the innocence and joy of the season. Family dynamics enter the picture and all of a sudden time with family has to be scheduled carefully as not to hurt feelings. There are also work schedules to be considered that remove the freedom of travel or long visits out of state. What used to be an exciting time of year becomes the season of scheduling nightmares.
For many years my tradition has been to spend Thanksgiving with my “Granny” and Christmas with my mom, Step-dad, aunt, cousins and step-family in Nevada.
This worked well up until a few years ago when my work schedule and the cost of boarding two dogs interfered with Christmas travel plans. We again have had to make scheduling adjustments. Christmas is now celebrated earlier in December and typically with just my mom and Step-dad. Fortunately, I have wonderful friends who include me in their holiday traditions so I am not alone at Christmas.
This year it is my Thanksgiving plans that will look much different. My grandmother has lived at The Wellington, an assisted living community, for the last thirteen years. She has lived independently in her own apartment, taken care of herself and walked with only the aide of a cane. We have enjoyed many delicious Thanksgiving meals at The Wellington sitting with the same group of ladies and their families each year. It has become our tradition.
On September 19, 2012, I received the type of call I have always been dreading. My grandmother had fallen in her bathroom and was being taken by ambulance to Mission Hospital. The four hours in the emergency room were an emotional roller coaster. I have never seen my grandmother sick and now I was hearing her yell out in pain. First I was told she would need surgery for a hip fracture. You can imagine how frightening the thought of a ninety-eight year old, ninety-four pound woman undergoing surgery was to me.
Once given the “good” news that she had pelvic fractures that would not require surgery, I thought this would not be too bad. The next day they got her up and sitting in a chair and she was nicknamed “Wonder Woman” by the physical therapy team. It runs in my grandmother’s family to bounce back from illness or injury so my mindset was extremely positive. I thought after a few weeks in The Covington’s Rehabilitation Facility she would be ready to return to her apartment with a caregiver.
I’ve spent countless hours with my “Granny” over the last two weeks since her fall. It is horrifying to see how much a traumatic fall can change an elderly individual. I have seen her in a heightened state of confusion. I have seen her angry. I have seen a more loving side towards me than I have in years. I have seen her grow very tired. I never know what I am going to walk in and find.
And so I enter this holiday season with much bigger concerns than scheduling. I am prepared for whatever God has planned for my grandmother.
I trust Him with her healing and will make the necessary arrangements for the full-time caregivers she will now be unable to live without.
Though it brings tears just writing it, I trust Him if his decision is to take her home to heaven. It is selfish of me to want to hold on to her longer if she can live out eternity with her mind and body restored.
Many of my dearest friends have lost loved ones around the holidays and I know that these feelings of pain and sentimentality are by no means unique to my situation.
Perhaps you’ve walked in these shoes, if you have you can probably relate to the list below.
These are just a few of the emotions that have hit me at any given moment over the last couple of weeks.
FEAR– This fear is mostly of the unknown. Will Granny get to go back to her apartment? What will her quality of life be?
ANGER– I have had days where anger comes out towards my father for choosing to take his life when I was a child. These decisions pertaining to my grandmother should be ours to share.
LOSS OF IDENTITY– I have cared for my grandmother since I was old enough to drive. She has been such a major part of my life during good times and bad. I thought I would be relieved when this day came, but it is quite the opposite.
GUILT– Why didn’t I spend this much time with her before she was hurt? All she wanted was time and I was busy with work and living my life.
SADNESS– That she is only able to tell me how much she loves me through the staff. I hear how much she brags about me when I am not there. She tells the nurses how much I love her but these are not conversations that she will have with me directly.
As I mentioned in my post on Depression, I am not seeking sympathy by sharing my life experiences. I know many people have gone through or are currently going through what I am. My goal is to create a forum where we can share our stories and support others.
Have you lost an important family member during the holiday season?
How did that loss change your holiday traditions?
How do you continue to honor that person each year?
30 Comments
Hi Lori –
Thank you for sharing your life with us. I know it is not easy to share the difficult times with others, especially on a blog.
Holidays are challenging enough when all of our family is still alive. Once we have a death in our family the holidays make life so much more challenging. I have not walked the path you have, yet in time we all will know what life is like when you are missing a family member during the holidays. Holidays and deaths make us stop and think about where are we in our in the bigger picture called life. They both can have great impact on us if we stop and take stock of our true selves. Change can be profound if we allow it to be!
Hi Neil,
Holidays, death and milestones definitely make us take inventory of our lives. I recently had a milestone birthday. This paired with this journey I am on with my grandma has definitely made me look at how I am living my life. Sometimes we forget what is truly important.
I agree, I need to be willing to embrace change more willingly.
Fortunately, when the time comes for you to go through this walk your amazing family will be alongside you.
I appreciate your encouragement and support Neil.
You and the rest of the team have been amazing in allowing me time off to be with my grandmother when she was in the hospital and first got to rehab. I will always be grateful for that.
Lori,
This kind of loss is something I know all too well. Since I can remember Thanksgiving has been associated with the death of my mom’s dad who passed away from a heart-attack Thanksgiving evening after all the family had gone home. From stories & pictures I know he was a sweet & gentle man but I was so young & don’t have any memories of my own. I can remember, however, my dear mom listening to Manheim Steamroller’s “Silent Night” & crying every time she hears it – it was her dad’s favorite song. Her grief ushered in my own & I ached for her.
In 2006 my dad’s dad died just 2 days before Christmas of a horrible cancer that robbed him of his faculties, his vibrance & his life. His death was traumatic, a huge loss for me personally, and something I’m still not “over”.
In many ways I don’t like that my holidays are marked by my grandfather’s deaths. I hate seeing my parent’s in pain, I hate re-living those devastating emotions, and what I hate the most is the feeling that I need to be “happy” or pulled back into “holiday cheer” when I don’t feel it & resent it a bit. Those feelings have lessened over the years but I still struggle to grieve & remember in the way I want each year as it’s become easier over time to ignore the pain instead of looking at it & acknowledging the losses.
I know you’re in a difficult place right now & here I am pouring out my own heart. But I want you to know that the way you are walking into this holiday season is scary, I’ve felt some of that & I sincerely wish this could be different for you. This is going to be hard, probably one of the more difficult things you experience and while none of us can truly be in your shoes, we know the awkward & unfairness of enduring a death during a time when we are supposed to be happy.
You are in my prayers & thoughts and I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to recount my history & the refocus that telling those stories gave me. I’m going to set aside time this year to remember, be thankful, & to cry.
I love you Lori & I wish “granny” all the best.
Molly,
The whole idea for this post was to create a forum where we can help and support each other.
Please do not apologize for reliving what is still painful for you.
I love when I put myself out there and in return you all share with me. It is a way for us to connect on a level that we may never have the chance to do otherwise.
Thank you for your love, support and encouragement.
Writing helps me through difficult times. I am thankful for this way to get it out and for you encouraging me when I am not sure I should share certain posts.
Love you,
Lori
Lori, thank you for this post. Interesting that we have connections through Saddleback (Dr. Tim Harlow is the senior pastor of my church, Parkview Christian Church in Orland Park, Ill., and travels to Saddleback frequently to meet with Rick Warren during visits with his daughter who attends Biola University) and Neil O’Connor. Selected Independent Funeral Homes is my client and I met Neil, a Selected member, when asked to speak on social media at Selected’s annual conference. I used the O’Connor blog in my case study and Neil shared his social media experience during my session.
Though I’ve been following this blog for awhile now, I felt compelled to comment on your post because we lost my father-in-law on December 9, 2007. He was in the hospital in Virginia at the time (admitted while on a long visit with my brother-in-law and his family in Alexandria). We already had our tickets to fly out for Christmas but God called him home before then. After his passing, my mother-in-law decided to remain in Alexandria where she had a full-time caregiver and was able to live at home with very early Alzheimer’s symptoms.
We struggled through that Christmas and the following, and my mother-in-law had a tough time coping with the loss. In 2010 we flew out to Alexandria to spend Christmas all together as a family (for the first time in years). We arrived on Wed. the 22nd and, with no illness leading up to it, my mother-in-law unexpectedly passed away on Christmas Day. She was 89 years old. While opening presents that afternoon she said she just felt “off” and a little warm. My brother-in-law insisted she go to the ER in case she had the flu and could be treated early. That evening, just hours later, we all went to say goodnight to her and she went into full cardiac arrest just before were reached her bedside. The doctors were unable to revive her.
I can’t express what that evening and the following days were like or having her funeral on New Year’s Eve, with the entire family gathered in our home back in the Chicago area, where she was laid to rest. Needless to say, the holiday is forever changed. But we now that Ernie and Ellie are now reunited and that both were called home to be with their Lord. We also know that those few days before Christmas and being able to go to Christmas Eve service with her were priceless experiences for which we are forever grateful.
Lori, as you go through this season with your grandmother just cherish the gift you’ve been given to be with her and have those precious moments and hours, regardless of her spirits at the time. Know that she loves you and express the same to her. You will be comforted to have had that opportunity no matter how much longer your time is with her. You are absolutely correct in your acknowledgement of giving it up to God; pray for peace with His decision.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Lisa
Lisa,
Thank you so very much for sharing your story with me. Anyone with connections to Rick Warren is a friend of mine.
I can’t even imagine the pain your family has gone through during the holiday season, twice.
I am so glad that you have your faith to remind you that they are together, healthy and happy.
It does not help those of us who are left behind. We never know when the sadness and tremendous sense of loss will hit. Like you said at least we have our sweet memories to comfort us.
Again, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I know others will benefit as much as I did from reading it.
Lori
Lori
Thank you for sharing from your heart. I know that putting thoughts and feelings on paper, letting go of the emotions that we experience and writing them down is so very helpful. When my Dad was dying of lung cancer I was heartbroken. He lived in Sun City Arizona, not that far away, but far enough that I couldn’t visit him everyday. I made two trips to visit him weeks before he died. They were the so memorable. I had asked the step-mom to please let me know when the time was close, because I wanted to be there with him. She never called. I received the news with a phone call. She promised him that he could die at home. Unbeknown to me, she sent him to a hospice home and he died alone with no family there with him. I was hurt, angry, ready to take someones head off. It was the most devastating experience I had ever endured. Please note the word “endured”. Even now as I share this with you my heart aches so deeply it’s hard for me to breathe. I miss my dad – but I miss him with love. You too will endure, Lori.
You will pass through all those emotions you have talked about, and you may experience them over and over. As you know, that’s part of the “saying goodbye”. Know that you have me and a myriad of others that will be there to support you, love you, and acknowledge your pain, now and as you begin this journey.
Thank you for this. It makes me realize once again, that when we lose someone so dear, the pain of the loss never leaves us. But love does endure, and sweet memories will bring a smile to your face when you remember Granny.
I love you,
MP
MP,
I saw you this morning right after you wrote this and know how raw these emotions still are.
You called it about putting it to paper. I HAD to write this while I am in the midst of it. I needed an outlet to express these emotions. Neil is going to start charging me a therapy fee.
I am so sorry about your Dad. I know you had to have been quite the Daddy’s girl. I am certain he adored you as we all do.
Thank you for the support you have given me already and I know you will continue to give.
Love you!
Lori
Lori, you are an amazing granddaughter. I know I say it over & over but it’s true. Your fears are just what I felt when I was caring for my grandmother. Facing a possible death during the holidays is so difficult & it changes the meaning of the holiday forever. My grandpa died just after Valentine’s Day & my grandma died the day after her birthday- not huge holidays but significant days. I always think of them but more so on these days than any other. You are so special, thank you for sharing your journey! XOXOX Carrie
Carrie,
I am so thankful for you. You shared your story of how you cared for your grandmother right after this happened to mine. You helped me to know I will get through it just as you have.
It does not need to be the official “holiday season” in order for the pain to be on a grand scale.
Pain is pain no matter the time of year.
You are pretty special yourself!
Love you,
Lori