The Legacy Keeper

The Legacy Keeper

The Legacy Keeper: A Celebrant’s Gift to Me

My brother Jim had died on February 19th just over a month ago. The Sunday after my family gathered on that warm afternoon to share all of the stories we had accumulated throughout his lifetime. We (2 of my brother’s children, all 4 of mine + grandkids galore) had come to meet Keith Page, our Funeral Celebrant. I had briefly met Keith last year when he and Ty Rose, another Celebrant, came to our Mortuary to provide us with a glimpse of what a Celebrant service looks like. Little did I know that one year later he would be sitting in front of us, promising to tell our story.

Keith arrived on time. His dark hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail and his smile shown through a dark beard speckled with white . . . a profound sense of comfort settled throughout the crowded room . . .

 

After circling the room meeting our clan, he explained that he was here to capture the essence of the father, brother and uncle who had died. He wanted to hear not only the stories filled with life, love and fun, but also the heartbreaking truths about who this man was and the effect that he had on our lives. He was here to tell our story but, more importantly, to tell my brother’s story. A story of love and loss, heartache and pain. Of wanting to do good, but never figuring out how. A story of someone lost and then found. A story, when told would heal our pain. I didn’t know just how that would happen but I trusted the man who cared enough to let us speak the truth.

I shared my memories of my brother, of his life as a child, how proud he was to be a Corporal in the Marine Corps and serve his country in Vietnam. I recalled his struggles with PTSD, his addictions to opiates, and the lifelong demons that held onto him. I watched as Keith wrote on that big yellow legal pad with a bold, black marker. It seemed strange at first, but then I realized that he was writing with permanence and sweeping strokes the words that made up the legacy of my brother’s life.

Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/sharrocks

 

As each of my kids brought their uncle into view, I was taken back by what they remembered. His favorite clichés, the cars he drove, his obsession with Peterbilt Trucks and the little girl slumber parties he crashed, performing his famous Elvis impression with a hairbrush for a microphone and dancing with each little girl. With a tube of lipstick he conned out of me, he would sign their little arms with “Elvis”. He was a wonderful playmate and they adored him. As I listened to them remember, tears sprang and earlier, happier memories flooded my soul. This was the man I wanted to remember. These were the days filled with life and laughter.

 

Then Keith looked over to my niece, Jim’s daughter Jayme, and said, “I haven’t heard from you yet.” She paused, and then said words that broke my heart, “I’ve been listening to all of the stories my cousins have been telling . . . and I don’t have any good memories to tell.” Too many broken promises had led his children into estrangement from their dad. I moved him from Oregon to California with a small hope of reconciliation but nothing changed until the night of his death when Jayme came. Keith asked if she would like to write a letter to her dad, she said she would but didn’t want to read it at the service herself. Keith lovingly said, “I will read your words.” Three and a half hours later, with legal pad in hand, Keith left us.

I was exhausted, emotionally and physically spent, and as I looked around the room, so was my family. There were tears and hugs, sighs and laughter, as we continued to recount the memories that filled the room that day.

Photo Courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/brandonsyn

 

Out of the stories emerged the man I wanted to remember, the man that I wanted to honor. I saw that he was worthy and that I was now the keeper of his legacy.

I miss him. When thoughts of him come rushing at me  there will be tears and moments of great sadness. But I do know that for our family, using Celebrant helped us to honor and pay tribute to my brother. After that family meeting my heart felt renewed and at peace. We had created his legacy.

|| what do you think?

– How does this idea of the “Family Meeting” strike you?

Is it intimidating or inviting?

– Would you like to meet Keith? Click here & come to our Art Show!

Molly Keating
Molly Keating
Hello! I'm Molly and I run & manage the Blog here at O'Connor. I grew up in a mortuary with a mortician for a father who's deep respect for the profession inspired me to give working at a mortuary a try. Work at O'Connor has brought together two of my deep passions, writing & grief awareness. In 2016 I earned Certification in the field of Thanatology, the study of Death, Dying and Bereavement. I am honored to be able to speak on these taboo topics with knowledge, compassion, and a unique perspective. I want to sincerely thank you for following & reading the blog, I hope that this is a healing place for you.

62 Comments

  1. Anne says:

    Pat,
    It is interesting how our paths have intertwined over and over. Long before we began running the front office together 18 years ago, we discovered that we both worked at World Savings in Lynwood, one year apart. We also discovered that our daughters both attended Bethany Schools, one year apart. Now I find it significant that we are both experiencing personal grief, one year apart.
    Your service for Jim was so touching and meaningful. I am so glad you did it just how you did it.
    Love
    Anne

    • Patricia Kolstad says:

      Annie . . It’s always a blessing talking with you. We do have so many life similarities. Thank you for being there for me and my family. It was such a life honoring service. One that none of us will ever forget. I watch the video and even through the sadness, a smile come over my face and I feel at peace.
      Lovingly,
      Pat

  2. Auntie Pat,
    This is probably one of my favorite blogs so far this year. I think you hit on something so important, that it’s up to the family to come together and piece the story of their loved one together through memory, pain, laughter and truth. Your family wove a beautifully honest story of Jim’s life that didn’t cheapen any of the pain he went through. What a tribute, to not diminish the hardships of life, but to recall them with love, understanding, and forgiveness at the end. It was perfect.

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful story with us.

    Molly

    • Patricia Kolstad says:

      Molly . .
      Thank you for your sweet words and your support. As you know, my brother was a challenge, and yet I felt at peace knowing that, even on the worst of days, I needed to show love and compassion. I’m so very thankful for all of our O’Connor Family that supported and loved us through that time. And for my Grandson, Michael, for stepping up and saying that we needed Keith to be our Celebrant. If only I could get the message out to the masses that in death, story telling becomes the Legacy of the loved one. It becomes what you pass down through the generation. The video of my brothers service, his life and his struggles, I know, will be something that I hope my great grandchildren will be able to see. I feel so comforted knowing that we “did the right thing” to honor my brother. I also know that his daughter, Jayme, feels the very same way. What a miracle took place in her life. But that’s a story for another day!
      Lovingly,
      Auntie Pat

  3. Neil O’Connor says:

    Hi Pat –
    I am glad you choose to have a funeral service for your brother Jim. No person is perfect, no person will ever be. We all have a story that needs to be told. I hope your family’s journey is reflective of life and healing.

    • Patricia Kolstad says:

      Thank you, Neil . .
      Your friendship and constant support has been a lifeline for me these past 20 plus years. I know that bringing Keith to meet with my family that day was the beginning of healing. The stories told and the comments made were not always easy to listen to or accept, but we did. Truth can bring healing, and I have already seen it in his daughter, Jayme. From now until my own funeral service, I will be an advocate of Funeral Celebrants when a family needs someone to speak on their behalf. As you mentioned, we all have a story that needs to be told. Are we brave enough to let the truth heal our broken hearts? I know it can!
      Love,
      Pat

  4. Shayna Mallik says:

    Pat,
    Wow what a touching and heart felt story about your experience in this difficult time. I love how you describe the family meeting and how you felt from beginning, middle, and end. I am very happy that Keith brought you all together and heard all stories from everybody. I know how difficult this time is even though its been over a month it doesn’t change how our emotions feel. You are such a brave and powerful women and I admire the courage you have and how you have been there for your brother and now for your kids, niece and grandkids. You are truly amazing.

    Love you
    Shayna <3

    • Patricia Kolstad says:

      Shayna . . thank you for your response to the blog.
      Caregiving on any level is exhausting. And I have great admiration for those who care for their spouses or siblings over many years. When my brother died, I felt like my purpose had died with him. Even though it was only for a little more than 8 months, I missed those days when I would be with him, or when I brought him to my home for the week-end. Honoring his life in the way that we did was what he deserved. He would have never believed that folks would be there to honor him the way we did. Keith was a huge part in telling his story and bringing to life the man that we knew as “Unkie”. I will forever be grateful for that special Sunday afternoon when our family gathered to tell his story!
      Love you too!
      MP

  5. Michael Thomas says:

    Grammy Pat

    I’m so happy I got the opportunity to be involved in that meeting. You hear so much about those meetings during services for others, but actually experiencing it is totally different. I’m so glad we had Keith come, as I through work have already generated a huge amount of trust in him, and this solidified it.

    Love you
    Mike

    • Patricia Kolstad says:

      Michael,
      I was so very proud when you mentioned in the arrangement that you wanted to have Keith Page be our celebrant. Even though I had only met him once in a morning training, I knew he would be perfect for our family. You are right by saying that when you hear about the meeting, you can’t fully understand the very huge importance that it gives the Celebrant as he prepares the Life Story. He really becomes part of us. He knows us deeply, warts and all! I will be a lifelong advocate of Celebrants from Unkie’s service on. We need to shout it from the rooftops!

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