Diversity in Death: Lessons Learned from A Giant, 2 Families, and a Hare Krishna
Diversity is a constant in life. It teaches us how to be flexible under stress, to appreciate ourselves and each other. Diversity tells us that it’s OK to be curious and ask questions, to live and let live. Diversity isn’t always drastic. Subtle diversity can yield the greatest experiences. But is there diversity in death? Absolutely!
I have served almost every kind of family you can think of in my 9 short years as a mortician. Families of strong faith and atheists, wealthy families and poor ones, families that can populate a small city and individuals who are the last ones left, families who are cultured and those who prefer simplicity. But what have I learned in the time I have spent with them? That judging people based on differences and unfamiliarity can rob you of the opportunity to learn about and bring amazing people into your life.
Here are a few lessons I’ll never forget:
• The 16-Year-Old Giant – From the minute we met, his father was on the defense. His 16-year-old-son had died of complications due to hereditary Gigantism and he was distraught. I tried my hardest to soften him up but couldn’t do it nor, could I do anything right. Finally, he blew up and told me there was no way I could understand what losing a child was like. I said gently, “You’re right. Your grief is your own. But I do know what I felt like when I lost mine.” His face dropped- his expression was a mix of embarrassment, pain and confusion. He burst into tears. He hugged me with every bit of his heart. He apologized over & over, asking for forgiveness. I looked up and smiled, telling him no apology was needed. His son’s services were perfect and I made a new friend. He taught me to help others by being vulnerable.
• 2 In 2 Days – 2 young men, 2 different families, both in their early 20s, died tragically. The first family planned for a big personalized service. The next day, the second family wanted a simple cremation only. Two families in similar situations and yet so far apart in their style of grieving. How was I going to balance this? I threw myself into each family, learning everything I could about them and their sons. I nurtured each one in their own ways and gave them what they needed. From them I learned not to assume that everyone wants the same thing.
Photo Source: womennewsnetwork.net
• The Hare Krishna – I know very little about Hare Krishnas. But this family truly impacted me. Their grandmother was chanted into a trance in which she died in perfect peace. Smiling. It was beautiful to hear her story. They ceremoniously dressed her in the most gorgeous sari, jewelry & face paint. They sprinkled her with precious oils, herbs & flowers. They chanted, sang and prayed all the way thru her dressing and cremation, always making sure to involve me. The peace, love & pure joy was so far from the usual death experience, it was like nothing I’ve seen before. They taught me to allow mystery to draw me in & not be afraid.
I have learned to be seen as the diversity. I’m a mortician, initially seen as mysterious, weird or scary. But after a few moments of visiting, most people walk away with a whole new understanding of who I am, what I do & how much of a difference I can make for the families who need me.
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Have you ever had a “diversity in death” experience?
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What was it like & what did you take away from it?
14 Comments
Wow, what a neat article Carrie, another reason I look up to you, I too have tried to take away something from every case that reaches me on a personal level, especially when I get the opportunity to meet the family which isn’t always the case. I think you are a great resource and mentor and look forward to learning more from you!
Hi Carrie,
With Diversity, one needs both strength of character, control over one’s emotions and, especially, tolerance, tact, common sense and most of all, sensitivity and adaptability. You manage to possess strength in all of these areas, and you do it with consistent grace. Just observing you has both challenged me and provided a role model for me and others to follow and I, for one, thank you for this.
I am totally with you in the Diversity department. I grew up in an environment where strength was found in sameness, consistency, rigidity and throughly pre-planned expectations of a daily, weekly life.
How lucky we are then, to have the courage to break out of this mold and embrace the simple joy of “new”.
Just yesterday, a Hindu service had just concluded, the family was talking animatedly and warmly, the atmosphere was correct for me to enter the room and see for myself the results of their service.
I can’t tell you how happy I am that I did so! “Happy—Plus!” Relatives came up to me and introduced themselves, not stiffly, but warmly…genuinely. I met the gentleman’s wife of 67 years and she was a lovely lady who took and then held my hand. I was shown the symbols and told of the rubrics used in their service…a total delight to behold and enjoy and empathize one’s feelings with. I left educated, refreshed and, yes, a little sad that I had not had the opportunity to join with this family in embracing their love of ceremony and of tradition and of each other.
The more people that one meets the more opportunity there is to realize that in diversity there is so much sameness. In a myriad of expression one can always search for love. In so many places…in so many faces…indeed…sometimes…we can find it…and find it we do, such a joy it is when found in the eyes of one who could have been a stranger from another land…or, simply, from another emotion.
Thank you, Greg
“Subtle diversity can yield the greatest experiences.” So true. And to recognize differences with an open heart enriches everyone’s life. Living fully means there are new experiences and lessons to be learned everyday. Thanks for sharing Carrie!
Carrie:
Thank you for sharing your experiences with our very diverse cultural communities. This really helps to better understand that cultural diversity, though strange to “our” way of celebrating death, really can and should, bring us together as a nation and as a community. Understanding the complexities and rituals of the death process is extremely interesting.
I have experienced so much over the years being with O’Connor’s, and have appreciated becoming a “life long learner” of other ethnic and religious groups. The diversity that seems to tear people apart, can really be the catalyst to better understanding those who are our neighbors and friends, bringing us closer together.
We all, at some point, experience death and its’ mystery. But faith and being open minded, can bring us all a sense of peace. You have done that for me, Carrie. Thank you for being a perfect roll model.
Yes you are, but your families are also so lucky to have you! Hope those dumplings were delicious!